Punch

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LONDON :
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,

AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLEKS.

1866.

LONDON :
BRADBURY, KVANK, AND C'\ PRINTERS, WHITFFRTARS.

June 30, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ill

« rpwENTY-FIVE YEAES," Baid the faithful Punch to his loving Britannia.

" Is it so long ? " replied the blue-eyed Britannia, smiling. " You have made me so happy that I have
scarcely felt the flight of time. But it is twenty-five years since you became my Guide, Philosopher, and Friend."
High banquet was held, and the Eepresentative Men and "Women of the nation came to honour the Festival
of the Fifty Volumes.

" "When I think," said the Heir Apparent, " how nobly you have supported the Throne."

" How," said the Primate, " you have helped Beligion by correcting the follies of Priests."

" How," said the Chancellor, " you have demolished Legal abuses until our system of Law is not now
so very far from rationality.''

" How," said Lord Derby, " you have taught an aristocracy that its truest strength is in cohesion with
the people."

" How," said Lord Eussell, " you have thawed Whiggery until it has condescended to flow with the
stream of time."

" And how," said Mr. Bright, " you have instructed Eeformers that victory is theirs if they will argue,
not bellow."

"How," said the Duke oe Cambridge, "while denouncing the wickedness of offensive war, you have done
all honour to the champions of right."

"How," said the Duke oe Somerset, "you have shown a true Briton's love for our gallant Navy."

" And," added Captain Coles, " have enabled me to carry my Turrets against officialism."

" How you made the Volunteer Force," said Lord Eanelagh.

" How genially, and as it were in a Loving Cup, you have pledged us citizens to Corporation Eeform,"
said the Lord Mayor.

" How you emancipated the Hebrews," said Baron Eothschild.

" And completed Catholic Emancipation," said Mr. Justice Shee.

" How your Highness hath split the Wind-bags but guarded the Wine-skins," said Mr. Thomas Carlyle.

IV

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[June 30, 1866.

" How you have honoured Art, while yourself exhibiting her in her sternest and her most graceful forms,"
said Sib Eeancis Geant, P.E.A.

" How you have upheld the glorious Art of the Healer, and crushed and trampled on Quackery," said the
President of the College of Physicians.

" How you have helped the Poor, preaching that poverty is neither a crime nor a merit, but a misfortune,"
said Me. Vilxiees.

" How you have upheld rational Education, against the fanatics," said Mb. Lowe.

" How awfully kind you have been to us Boys," said the Captain oe Eton.

" How you have been the chivalrous Champion of Woman," said Miss Maetineau.

" Especially Pretty "Woman," said a chorus of soft and saucy voices.

" Upheld the intellectual Drama," said Mes. Theodobe Maetin.

" And the romantic and picturesque," said Mb. Benjamin "Websteb.

" And the refined and graceful," said Miss Kate Tebey.

" And jolly good fun wherever it was to be found," said Mb. John Baldwin Buckstone.

Here the distinguished assemblage, impatient of details, and unable to restrain itself, broke into the Kentish
fire, led by Me. Sims Beeves (a Kentish man), who then struck up Musical Honours, in testimony of Mb. Punch's
services to the divine art of melody.

Me. Punch arose, visibly affected.

t( Bless you," he faltered. " It 's all true — all — every word of it : and more. Alone I did it. Happiest day
of my life. Never so prosperous. Never had so splendid Circ'lation. An Institush'n — Country. Heart too full for
— for — eloquensh. Bless you all. Invite you all to Golden "Wedding, this day twenty-five years at half-past six
for quarter to seven — write it down in Pocket-Book. Bless you!"

A storm of plaudit, and Bbitannia arose.

" I should have been ashamed of him," she said in a sweet voice of Power, " had he not shown emotion
on such a day. It is not his custom to be thus overcome, but it is a poor heart that never rejoices. I am
proud of him. Eor Eive and Twenty years He has devoted all his splendid intellect and energy to my service,
and to-day, in the full vigour of his glorious genius, he vows another quarter of a century's labour in the cause
of Truth, Kindness, and Pun. And in token of his pledge and in memory of this great day, he lays on the Silver
"Wedding Table his

Jtffetf fttat

[The shy was splitting with the cheers when our reporter left.')

January

PUNCH,

LONDON CHARIVARI

OUR OPENING ARTICLE.

{After the manner of our most respected Contemporaries^)

WHEN a New Year commences, a fresh period begins. At such a
' * time it is impossible for the most serious to avoid— even if they
desire so to do— a class of reflection that must occur to minds of the
least frivolous character. He who addresses himself to a survey of
mankind from China to Peru will not improbably be led to the convic-
tion that-, he has entered upon an area of observation whose limits are
of the widest description, and may not be reluctant to assent to the
proposition of one of the most remarkable of men, that there are more
things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in our philosophy. To
abstain from the discussion of a difficult subject is, we may almost
venture to say, to avoid the examination of an arduous topic, but on
the other hand, where there is advantage to be gained by even an
inadequate inquiry, we cannot consider that an incomplete investigation
should be regarded as entirely unprofitable. With these feelings, at
the outset of 1866, we apply ourselves to a task, which, if self-imposed,
cannot be termed an involuntary labour.

It is natural in the first instance to be attracted by those questions
which more immediately affect ourselves — nihil alienum putamus — and
the state and condition of our own island, at the opening of the year,
would instinctively be selected for treatment by the home journalist.
But it appears to us that to be guided by the conventionalisms of
geography is to submit ourselves to the dictates of merely scientific
arrangement. We therefore glance cursorily towards Andes, giant of the
Western Star, and we state with regret that though there is no percep-
tible alteration in the position of his meteor [standard, it waves over
regions in which many changes may take place, if a policy of conserva-
tion be not sternly adopted. Cape Horn, however, still affronts the
Antarctic or Southern Ocean, nor has the great mystic belt which unites
the Americas at Panama, like the Siamese twins, been done away by
the skill of engineering surgery. We rejoice to be able to state that
the long and terrible war which has been waged in North America has
written no wrinkles on the azure brows of the Atlantic or Pacific, and
that three degrees still stretch between the isles of Vancouver and
Newfoundland. We commend these facts to the geologists who are
perhaps unwisely seeking to disturb received beliefs, and we point out
to them how little the fluctuations of the moral world disarrange the
Cosmos of material nature.

Whatever the modern statesman may think of the Asiatic confede
ration, there can be little doubt, in candid minds, that Asia has been
the scene of many remarkable events, of the smaller details of which, at
least, it may not be too much to say. that the records are to a certain
extent defective. -- Yet from Lake Tinaour to Ceylon the populations
are still in possession of various degrees of civilisation, and if the Sea
of Okotsh remains to the present period in its pristine form, the western
frontier of the mightv continent is none the less rigidly guarded by the
Ural mountains. We do not desire to increase the difficulties of those
who are considering the propriety of removing Calcutta to the Hima-
layas, nor at the conclusion of the Bhootanese war is it a fit time to
look retrospectively upon that disaster, but we will not be deterred
from warning our readers that large portions of Mongolia are entirely
unfit for houses of Italian architecture, replete with the conveniences of
a metropolitan suburb, nor will we be foremost in advising those who
are in possession of all that luxury can afford in England to seek new
homesteads in " Samarcand by Oxus, Temur's throne."

Africa appears to us to afford little cause for immediate agitation, or
even apprehension on the part of the Englishman. But it is the duty
of the wise man to be prepared for all contingencies, and inasmuch as
the agents of civilisation are advancing upon that continent from all its
corners, it may not be amiss to remember that while the Emperor
assails her from the north and M. Lesseps on the east, Dr. Livingstone
and M. Du Chaillu have penetrated in other directions, and it is not
impossible that under the auspices of the intrepid Beke, the fanatic
chivalry of King Theodore may avail itself of all this enlightenment to
constitute a grand central power, which, perhaps under the name of
the Empire of Sahara, may send the legionaries of Lake Nyanza to the
Iron Gate and the Bosphorus. But we are disinclined to believe
that the festive season of Christendom need this year be disturbed by
such vaticinations, the less that the return of the gallant Mr. Baker
seems to assure us that in the contest proverbially waged between his
namesake and Our Mutual Enemy, the pull may at present be
assumed to be on the side of the type of humanity.

Last, and only least in respect to size, the continent of Europe offers
itself to the unprejudiced gaze. Reasons which the intelligent reader
will be the first, and the uncultivated reader the last to appreciate,
preclude our touching, at this moment, upon the moral, social, or
political condition of this interesting continent. England, Erance,
Spain, Germany, Russia, not to name Monaco and Greece, suggest many
reflections which will occur to those who have. regularly followed the

VOL. L.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 6, 1866.

course of events, while to others they would, if stated, have the questionable charm
of novelty. Princes and lords, the great poet has remarked, may flourish or may
fade, but against this irrefragable axiom we may set the equally irrefutable dictum
of the philosopher that all is not gold that glitters. Humanum est errare. While
we hail with pleasure the advance of civilisation, we are unable to close our eyes
to its retrogression, or to deny that while Paris perfumes its copper coinage,
Manchester puts its steel fork into its mouth. The temperance of Florence is
no valid excuse for the drunkenness of Glasgow, the courtesy of Madrid can scarcely
atone for the clownishness of Yorkshire, nor can we accept the theory of compen-
sation so far as to allow that because it is pleasant to praise the sweetmeats of
Constantinople we must be blind to the fact that the majority of London sugar-
plums are coarse and deleterious. Confined to these large and general views, our
analysis of European affairs may be unsatisfactory, but we hasten to assert our
belief that Europe will maintain her predominance over the other continents, so
long as she continues their superior in arts and arms, and in concluding our survey
of the world, we would add the cheering, if not exhilarating reflection, that come
what come may, time and the hour run through the roughest day.

MR. SMITH

Having been Allowed to Go and See the Sphinx wits Two old School-
fellows, HAS AN AWF0L SaOCK WHEN HE RETURNS AT 2 A.M.

OUR ONE REVIEW.

Kelly's Directory for 1866. Old Boswell Court, St. Clement's.

We have carefully perused every word of this remarkable work, and we exhort
all our own readers to do the same. It is as extraordinary for its wealth of diction
as for its accuracy of description. It contains thousands of words, none of which
we ever used in our lives, and yet there is no saying at what moment we may be
called upon to use any or all of them. It introduces us with much familiarity, but
with no vulgarity, to myriads of our fellow-creatures, and the terseness combined
with lucidity, with which their leading principle of life is indicated, is worthy of
all praise. There is no partiality, no coarse exclusiveness, in the author's views of
society— in one page we are introduced to the Most Noble the Marquis of
Ararat, K.G., and to all his stately mansions, and in another we are led to
the humble shop of James Grimes, greengrocer and parties carefully attended,
while the magnificent merchant, the lugubrious lawyer, the delightful doctor, the
adored author, the carnivorous critic, the affable actor, the stolid statesman,
the melancholy musician, the pallid parson, the daring dissenter, the antibilious

astronomer, the voluptuous vegetarian, the foolish fish-
monger, the prepossessing painter, the maudlin man-
milliner, and the chimerical chiropodist are all shown up
in their true characters, and we are literally brought to
their very doors. Alike for severe survey of mankind from
lofty Belgravia to low Bow, from haughty Highbury to
wulgar Walworth, from the mountainous region dominated,
by Ben Primrose to the valley washed by the silver Thames,
as for extract from the waistcoat pocket during an idle
hour by the sad sea waves, we recommend Kelly's Direc-
tory as the most wonderful work of the day, and the sine
qua non for those who believe with the great bard that the
proper study of mankind is man — for here he is by the
hundred thousand.

FITZ-DANDO'S LAMENT.

Ye good bivalves, ye savoury molluscs,

Ye living titbits, born of Ocean's mud,
Still toothsome when Time's hand hath drawn our tusks,

Regenerators bland of aged blood :
I gaze on ye in fish-shops with such eye

As might poor swain view lofty maiden's brow.
0 lovely, but alas for me too high !

Three halfpence each— so much are natives now !

Ye oysters, how is it you 've grown so dear,

In price ascending ever more and more,
Up up aloft as year rolls after year P

Scarce are ye now, so plentiful of yore P
An oyster famine ! What 's the cause of that ?

Of ocean foes some sages talk to me
That prey upon you and devour your spat,

Of stormy waves that wash it out to sea.

They tell me how you perish, left to freeze

In rigorous winter by an ebbing tide,
But you had always chances such as these,

When ye were cheap and common, to abide.
It is but in relation that you've grown

Less numerous, not absolutely few ;
There are more mouths that gape— alas ! my own

But waters— now than once there were for you.

Eor you, but not for you alone ; for meat,

And all besides that smokes upon the board ;
Pish, fowl, eggs, butter too : things good to eat

Exceed what moderate incomes can afford.
Increase of population must be fed ;

Our numbers with prosperity extend :
Where, if we keep on going thus ahead,

Will this prosperity, ye oysters, end P

Will ye become as costly as the pearls

Torn by the diver from your kind, a prey
To decorate the brows of splendid girls ?

And girls, oh how expensive, too, are they !
Ah, no more natives for the frugal swain,

No possibility of married life !
Oysters are for the rich — and he 's insane

Who, rolling not in riches, takes a wife.

STONES CRUSHED BY MACHINERY.

Local Self- Government enables us to practise an economy
which Centralisation denies. In London and England gene-
rally the ratepayers are exempt from the expense which
must be entailed on the citizens of Paris by such machines
as that of which the operation is thus described by
Galignani:—

" A powerful steam-roller for crushing the macadam on the roads is
at the present moment at work on the Pont-Neuf, and passes back-
wards and forwards up and down the steep inclines at each end of
that bridge, amongst vehicles of all kinds, without causing the least
inconvenience."

Under our British system of Local Self-Government, the
stones in the roads are broken by the gradual agency of
horses' hoofs and the wheels of carriages, grinding, and
ground. What would the vestrymen of England say to the
proposal of an additional highway-rate for a steam-mac-
adamiserP It might, however, answer the purpose of
horsekeepers and owners of vehicles to tax themselves
for the termination of a state of our roads, which, here
or there, is always brutal.

..,...' ■ -->--

January 6, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

MR. SNIGGINS HAS A DAY AMONGST THE BANKS,

AND SHREWDLY GUESSES WHY THEY ARE CALLED " ONS AND OFFS."

A ROW IN THE IRISH REPUBLIC.

By a meeting of the Fenian Senate, lately held at the Senate House,
734, Broadway, New York, the following resolutions were unanimously
adopted : —

Resolved —

" That the Irish Bepublic is now virtually established in the United
States of America, and also in Ireland, where it exists in a state of
suppressed hostility to the British Government.

"That the Irish Republic has arrived at such perfect maturity that,
as might be the case with any old State enjoying a settled form of
government, it is rent asunder by political dissension, and divided
against itself into two opposite parties, by an internal split.

"That John O'Mahony, President of the Irish Republic, is a traitor
to the Senate and Constitution of that same. That, by the unanimous
vote of ten to fifteen, the said Senate has adjudged the said John
O'Mahony guilty of perjury, peculation, embezzlement, defamation,
libel, slander, perfidy, treason, and malfeasance. That the said John
O'Mahony, President of the Irish Republic, is now deposed from that,
and discontinues to be such any longer.

"That, accordingly, Colonel W. R. Roberts, a flourishing dry
goods' merchant, has been declared by this Senate President of the
Irish Republic in the room of John O'Mahony, deposed.

" That, nevertheless, the aforesaid John O'Mahony continues to be
and remain President of the Irish Republic, and to exercise the func-
tions of his high office, particularly to borrow money in the name of
the Republic, and convert it to his own uses. That, in further con-
tempt and derision of the authority of this Senate, the said John
O'Mahony posted on the front door of the Capitol of the Irish Repub-
lic a notice insulting the Members of this Senate, and excluding them
from the premises. And that he, the said John O'Mahony, denies and
refuses to own and obey the said Colonel W. R. Roberts as lawful
President of the Irish Republic, calling him a tailor.

"That Chicago endorses Roberts, but New York has declared for
O'Mahony, and the consequence is there is one President of the Irish

Republic at the Capitol in Union Square, and another at the Senate
Chambers in Broadway, with their respective followers.

" That the Irish Republic, as at present constituted, thus heing a
severed union of two hostile camps, the only natural and pacific remedy
possible for this state of things is civil war.

" That it is necessary for the Irish Republic to emancipate itself from
the coercion of the Governments.of the United States and Great Britain,
that restrain it from fighting out its internal difficulties in its own
bosom.

"That therefore' it behoves the Irish Republic immediately to com-
mence hostilities with England and America, preliminary to the inter-
necine warfare which it proposes to engage in with itself afterwards.

" That the temporary co-operation of the two antagonist sections of
the Irish Republic be earnestly requested for this purpose ; that Gene-
ral Sweeney, the Secretary-at-War, be appointed Generalissimo to
carry it out ; and that, towards the needful expenses of the struggle,
there be raised a loan amounting to one thousand dollars."

The Ins and Outs of the Case at Washington.

Says Johnson, "To hold that the States of the South,

Were e'er out of the Union is sin."
Says Congress, " Wa'al, guess if they never were out,

There ain't no call for letting 'em in."

The County Crop for Chignons.

pHIGNONS ! CHIGNONS ! CHIGNONS ! For Sale, by Order of
^ Government, several cwt. of Hair cut from the Heads of Female Convicts in
conformity with the Regulations established in Her Majesty's Gaols throughout the
United Kingdom. In Lots, of every description of colour. The attention of
Perruquiers, Perfumers and others is invited to this opportunity of securing an
adequate Supply of Material for the manufacture of Chignons of every Shade and
Hue. A Liberal Allowance will be made to Purchasers on taking a. Quantity.—
N. B. The whole of the Hair representing the average County Crop of the United
Kingdom has been carefully subjected to a Disinfeoting Process and exposed to a
temperature of 2 12° Fahrenheit. H. WaddingtoN.

Whitehall, Jan. 1, 1866.

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 6, 1866.

you.

THEATRICAL CHRISTMAS.

ir,— Drury Lane first
and foremost. Master
Pebcy Roselle as
King Pippin; he is,
as poor Robson used
to say, "awo-o-o-on-
derful bo-o-o-o-y ! "
Mb. Barsby, as the
Count of Flanders,
executes some won-
derful steps that will
astonish some of our
burlesque friends,
and make the irre-
pressible niggers turn
up the whites of their
eyes. He dances very
nearly as well as Mb.
D. James, at the
pretty little Strand
Theatre, who plays
Nelusko in L'Jfri-
caine, and that's say-
ing a great deal, mind
If the august managers of Old Drury were approachable, I would suggest

that a few more efficient box-keepers might be obtained ; for, with an anxious party
of small folks I had to wait five (or more) minutes before I could get any one
to show me my box. It was the omnibus box when I did get into it, and our
situation reminded me of poor Leech's picture of the children creeping to the
edge of the circus, and seeing, with great delight, " the 'oofs of the 'orses ! "

The omnibus (to which as I have said we had great difficulty in finding a
conductor) is not the best box for those who wish to get a good view of the
pantomime. However, Old Drury was crammed, and there was no getting another.
It had its advantages in the children's eyes ; for from our situation they were let
into all sorts of stage secrets. They saw the little fairies before they appeared on the
stage ; they saw King Pippin's miniature courtiers crowding behind the wings ; they
saw Miss Rose Lecleecq, as a Queen, pinning_ the dress of Miss Augusta Thom-
son, who plays Fortunatus: they saw the grimy carpenters moving behind the
bright canvas clouds ; and, privileged mortals that we were, we saw, we saw (oh,
rapture ! joy ! ecstasy !) we saw the Clown before he came on.

I have only one fault to find with Drury Lane : its orchestra. The music was
not sufficiently lively for a pantomime, and the style of its execution could scarcely
have been pleasing (I am speaking of the first night, mind), to the ear of Mb.

Barnard, the conductor. I am afraid that my children
will henceforth become materialists, and date their realistic
notions from the evening when they were spectators of
Harlequin King Pippin from the omnibus box of Old Drury.

Covent Garden and the Paynes ! of course a pantomime
supported by the King and Princes of Christmas fun cannot
be anything but good; so being perfectly certain on this
score, I 'm going there next week, and will tell you all about
it. Society goes to see what Mb. T. Robebtson calls,
generically, society at the Pbince or Wales's, and society
is much pleased with what it does see. I must visit Little
Dm Juan. Then there's the Haymarket, with Mb.
Planche's adaptation of Orphee aux Enfers : neatly done,
sweetly done. But you do want some singers besides
Miss Louise Keeley ; and Miss Louise Keeley, good
as she is, is not the Eurydice that all Paris went to see ;
but then Mb. J. B. Buckstone will say, we 're not in
Paris : and it 's Orpheus in the Haymarket. The public is
satisfied with Rip at the Adelphi, and Benjamin, their
ruler, ought to be content with the great plum in his Christ-
mas pudding ; so here 's his health and his family's, including
Little Paul and Master Toole come home for the holi-
days, and Mbs. Mellon, and may they all live long and
prosper. The best pantomime for children is to be seen
at Astley's ; where the transformation scene will consider-
ably astonish even the oldest boys.

There 's a burlesque at the New Royalty. Heu ! prisca
fides ! which being translated by my own private schoolboy
means, " Alas, the old fiddle ! " How hath the glory de-
parted from Soho since the reign of Ixion, King of Thessaly.
The talented author of the new piece has, with remark-
able originality, entitled his play Prometheus, or the Man on
the Rock, which of course does not in the least remind one
of Ixion, or the Man at the Wheel. Imitation is the sin-
cerest flattery. It is no doubt commendable in a young
author to rely for the success of his bantling upon the
established reputation of his predecessor. It is, I believe,
Mb. Rice's first attempt, so as Mr. Weller said to Mr.
Blazes, at the Swarry, perhaps he'll "try a better by-and.
by." I'll go and see all the Christmas entertainments.
Send me Boxes. yours, Snooks.

Parochial Toast and Sentiment.
Stocks.

Church and

THE KILKENNY CATS.

As we prophesied, but sooner than we bargained for, the Irish
Republic has resolved itself into an Irish Row !j The Head Centre is at
loggerheads with the extremities. The mighty O'Mahony is at drawn
daggers with the Senate of the brotherhood. And all about the dirty
dollars ! It seems that the Head Centre has issued some £68,000
worth of Penian bonds, without the authority of the agent confirmed by
the Senate, and a Committee of the Senate, whom the Head Centre
christens "ten malcontents," having issued a notification to the brother-
hood and sympathisers with it, that all such bonds are invalid and
illegal, the Penian Senate has formally impeached and deposed its
President and his Secretary of the Treasury, for high crimes and mis-
demeanours, and elected another President in his place.

Now the "malcontents" certainly speak in the name of the Senate,
though they are declared by the Head Centre to be "no better than a
domestic faction instigated by corrupt motives or British Gold." When
the late ingenious Mr. Yates was Manager of the Adelphi, it occa-
sionally happened to him, as it will to all Managers, to bring out pieces
that drew down what the actors call " goose." Those were days when
the British public was still capable of damning a play which displeased
it. But more than once, when both pit and gallery were gradually
growing to full hiss, Mb. Yates has been known to avert conclusive
damnation by coming forward and indignantly claiming the protection
of the public from the unseemly interruption of " that ruffianly miscreant
in the gallery." He had found that the.chances were that this courageous
apostrophe converted hisses into cheers.

Head Centre O'Mahony seems determined to play the same game
when he appeals against a resolution of his Senate, in full session, as
the daring act of " ten malcontents." It is a very pretty quarrel as it
stands, and it is not to be regretted — though we don't wish to give rope
to the Fenians at home — that they should have enough of it to hang
themselves with, on the other side of the Atlantic.

title fob a tempeeance tract.
" Muzzle Loaders converted." By Gdnmakeb, Oxford Street.

ON THE DOWNFALL OP THE MARMORA AND SELLA

CABINET.
Dear Mr. Punch,

We have just been acting the Trimmmus, and sending round
the hat, as usual, at the conclusion of the performance. 1 should be
very glad if you consider the following worthy of the Trinummus, that
is, threepence, a line, instead of the traditional nummus, or penny.
That will make just a florin, which please remit by Post-Office order.
I give you the English.

Your constant reader, Young Westminster.

Marmora cum Sella projicit Ausonia.

Durior Ausonise pullus, qui sustinet idem
Marmora cum Sella : ne nimium sit onus !

Ah, levis Ausonise pullus, qui calce proterva
Mabmoba cum Sella, proruta, fracta, terit.

Or, Englished,
On the Upset of\ik Marmora and Sella in the Italian Parliament.
A rare nag this Italian colt, if he moves

Under burden of saddle * and marbles * to boot :
Grant, ye gods, he mayn't shy ! Ha ! a shyer he proves,
And saddle and marbles are trod under foot !

Idem aliter redditum.
Ausonii panenvposcunt : dat marmora praeses.

Quid mirum Ausonii marmora si renegant ?
Frsenum indignantes sellam tolerare molestam :

Quid mirum sellam marmora abacta sequiP

Or, Englished,
To give marbles to those who ask bread, is a blunder,

For the marbles are sure to be overboard slung :
Will a horse that scorns reins brook a saddle ? No wonder,

If after the marbles the saddle is flung.

* Mr. Punch's readers hardly need the information that marmora in Latin means
" marbles," and sella, " saddle."

January 6, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

PUNCH FOR PRESIDENT.

(To the Members of the Royal Academy of Arts : Private and
Confidential.)

85, Fleet Street, January, 1866.
entlemen, — Your Presidential Chair, which has
been filled by a succession of occupants, in a
glorious gradation of artistic eminence, from Sra
Joshua Reynolds to Benjamin West, Sir
Thomas Lawrence, Sir Martin Archer Shee,
and Sir Charles Eastlake, being once more
vacant, I am induced, by the demands of an
occasion so momentous to the Fine Arts in this
country to submit the following considerations
as to the appointment of your new President.

You have all, no doubt, felt with me, the diffi-
culty of finding even within the pale of a So-
ciety so illustrious and variously gifted as your
own, a man combining the rare requirements, artistic, literary, social
and ceremonial, which ought to meet in a President of the Royal
Academy. More or fewer of these requirements have, indeed, been blended,
in varying proportions, in the successive holders of this great office, but
you will probably agree with me, that not even the most distinguished
of them has united all in the highest conceivable degree. You have had
painter-Presidents, gentleman-Presidents, courtier-Presidents, diplo-
matist-Presidents, and Presidents who were something of all these, by
turns, but nothing long ; but near as Sir Joshua may have come to
such a phoenix, you have not yet had a President who was at once fine
painter, perfect gentleman, accomplished courtier, dexterous diplo-
matist, commanding orator, and consummate tactician. Such a man
you want now, more than ever. Such a man — 1 say it with the
utmost respect, and with a profound admiration for the various
eminence enlisted in your ranks — 1 think you will seek in vain within
your own pale. Such a man, 1 believe, 1 can find you.

But before offering his name to your consideration, I must ask leave
to point out why 1 think the exigencies of our time peculiarly call for
one thus variously accomplished. The Royal Academy, like everything
else that is venerable and high-placed among us, has fallen upon hard
times, unfriendly pens, and evil tongues. The Court has grown cold ;
the Government harsh and unsympathising ; the artistic body captious
and unreasonable ; the critics insolent ; the public audacious and med-
dlesome. All these, in their several spheres, are disposed to divert
ancient ways, break down old fences, and shift old land-marks ; to let
in the garish light of day on the holds and haunts of grey antiquity ; to
submit venerable institutions to rude and irreverebt handling ; and even
to disregard vested rights, in what are speciously called " the interests
of the public."

It would be too much to hope that the Royal Academy can long be
safe from the onsets of this meddling and mischievous spirit. Already
you may hear the murmur of hostility against your hard-earned privi-
leges, your titles, and the enhanced value of your pictures derived thence,
your places on the line, your right of unquestioned exhibition, your
claims to pensions and offices. A corps of observation has already been
pushed forward in the shape of a Royal Commission, whose insidious
attack, though for the moment baffled, may at any moment be renewed.
Under the shallow pretext of advancing the interests of Art, objections
are heard even to your unquestionable right of providing by modest
Professorial salaries for the worn-out veterans of your own body, to
your finding a calm retreat in your official situations for those whose
merits an ill-informed public refuses to recognise by purchase or
patronage ; to your distributing the duties of teaching and superinten-
dence in your schools according to the comfort and convenience of the
teachers, instead of what smatterers and sciolists call the " interests of
the pupils " !

Already you may hear even the outrageous demand — which like the
Trojan horse, carries armed destruction in its womb — for the enlarge-
ment of your time-consecrated pale, and for the admission, and in even
larger numbers, of the inferior class called " Associates," to the duties,
honours, and privileges ol your venerable body.

I need hardly point out the inevitable consequence of these changes,
particularly the latter. They will utterly undermine the foundations
laid for the Academy in 1768 by the august hand of that enlightened
and far-sighted monarch, George the Third ; they will swamp your
select and awful ranks by the influx of what insolently arrogates to
itself the name of " rising talent ;" they will reduce the value, whether
in distinction or in its more tangible form of emolument, of your
titles, and generally democratise and Americanise what is still one
of the few eminently aristocratic, conservative, and thoroughly old
English institutions which have escaped the levelling influences of our
epoch.

Your enemies have even dared to hint at a process of superannuation,
as if Royal Academicians could ever either be or become effete— as if
incapables were ever elected into your pale, or time could wither the
genius which originally won you your proud distinction !

It will be the chief duty of your new President to inspire and conduct
your resistance to the demand for these, and indeed all, innovations.
We cannot disguise from ourselves that these changes may be advo-
cated on plausible pretexts, and supported by specious arguments —
pretexts and arguments which are but too likely to find favour out
of doors in the present deplorable temper of the times.

To neutralise thi3 poison will require a President of very exceptional
gifts. He ought to be one who is on terms of easy familiarity alike
with high and low — one who can hold his own with the common herd
of artists and critics of the press, as well as with the courtiers of White-
hall and St. James's : one who can keep the pushing and ambitious
smatterers who call themselves the "rising talent of the day" at once
in good humour, and in their places, by persuading them that the
interests of the Royal Academy as it is, and those of the great body of
Artists outside of it, are one and the same ; that the narrower the body
of the privileged, the greater the honour of achieving admission to it ;
and that to extend the field of its advantages would be to rob them of
all value. He must be a man at once able and willing to satisfy even
the visitors at an Academy dinner as to the superhuman wisdom of the
lamented George the Third, and the sacredness of the mystic number
forty, to which that great Prince saw fit to limit the Academy, at a
time when the artists of England were, if few in number, eminent in
ability, and when our picture-buyers, if even fewer than the artists,
were exclusively of the aristocratic order. He must have dialectic skill
enough to persuade the public that the individuality of our English
school would be destroyed if the Academy undertook to teach its
students how to paint ; and that there is no such guarantee for our
youth's learning to swim, as rigidly debarring them from all access to
either corks, ropes, or swimming-master.

All this he must do while enlightening Parliament and the Public on
such larger and more cardinal truths as these, — that the admission of
light, open election, and public discussion, to the machinery of Aca-
demic Government, is to strike a death-blow at its efficiency, and that,
of all modes of administration, the wholesomest is that by a close
corporation, self-elected.

1 am well aware that if the mere holding these opinions were all that
is required, I need not go beyond the pale of your own body to find the
surest faith and a conviction that defies assault on most of the points I
have referred to. I have no doubt also that there are but few among
you who would not consistently act up to the principles thus devoutly
entertained. But the point is to find a man at once devoted enough to
act on these principles, and ingenious enough to maintain them with
effect by tongue and pen, as well as by practice, at the present day.

Eor this purpose is required at once the most fascinating address,
the most perfect mastery of all the arts of influence and persuasion ;
thorough command of rhetoric and dialectics, including the most prac-
tically useful branch of the latter, the doctrine of the sophism ; and
above and besides all, the tact that can conciliate a cultivated Court,
and manage a reforming Government.

I confess myself at a loss where to look for this union of qualities —
except in myself.

I therefore, at whatever cost to my native diffidence, beg to submit

MYSELF TO YOTT EOR PRESIDENT OE THE ROYAL ACADEMY.

I have said nothing of my artistic acquirements, as I gather from
some, of your elections that these are a secondary matter. Indeed,
considering the relations of the Academy to the great body of English
artists, I cannot see that my not being known as a painter, or at least
as a contributor to the Academy exhibitions, forms a serious objection
to your stepping beyond your own pale, for once, in the choice of a
President. I have no objection to be admitted as a Lay-member, per
saltum, on the credit of my illustrations, or even to accept the office,
without the form of previous election, to the Academy.

If you agree to admit so much of the justly obnoxious lay element as
may be embodied in my person, you may rely upon me to help you in
keeping the door closed against all laymen for the future, and generally
to aid you in your especial functions of resisting innovation and stem-
ming the tide of revolution under the much-abused name of Progress.
I have the honour to be, Gentlemen,

Your most obedient Servant,

$bn®&

Military and Naval Intelligence.

The Band of the 1st Philharmonic Volunteers is to be provided with
an organ, on which the Organist of the Regiment will perform Volun-
taries when it marches out.

The Cavalry are all to be armed with horse-pistols.% The new horse-
pistols will be Colt's revolvers.

It is also said that Colt's revolvers will be issued to the Horse
Marines. ■

CRUELTY TO BOYS.

Imagine these holidays the feelings of the school-boy whose uncle
told him he would tip him a wink !

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 6, 1866.

Tom Tit entertains Chang and Anak, and concludes, that

next to being a glant oneself, the best thino is to be the

Husband of a Giantess.

Chance favours him in his Travels. He meets a very fine Girl

and a very fierce bull. one saves him from the other — he loves,

Courts, and Marries his beautiful Preserver.

" Missus's Humbereller !

He brings his Splendid Bridb to his Ancestral Home.
{Touching Family Tableau in the Ball.)

We call on our Artist, and are Favoured

with an Introduction to his Wife. She nAS

the manners of the best Society.

Mr. and Mrs. Tomtit oo into the world. She is very careful not to hurt
anybody, and does not Waltz.

She has a Charming Taste for Music. Heb
instrument is the violoncello.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— January 6, 1866.

THE REAL IRISH COURT; OR, THE HEAD CENTRE AND

THE DIS-SENTERS.

January 6, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

fmwjr's ftalrU-ftalk.

259.

A Writer in the Bristol Times complains that though his boy came
home from school with a classical prize, he did not know what his father
meant by telling him to get pro rege varietas. The parent wanted
change for a sovereign.

260.

I hate to check the fresh bursts of natural poetry. - But "what could I
do, mindful of critics and a cold world, with a sweet poem on the Battle
of Waterloo — a composition sent me by an aspiring young bard, and
beginning —

" Up with the Standard that never went down ."

261.
Most people have looked at most shop windows. But I don't know
that I ever saw a man looking into a laceman's, or a woman into a
gunsmith's.

262.
The gentleman who advertised for his umbrella, and appealed to the
conscience of the cabman, informs me that advertisement and appeal
were in vain. The Cabman's Club should know this.

263.
I hear, by the way, that the said Club has discussions, after the
manner of my friends the Cogers, and that there was lately given out
for debate the question, " Is there a Cabman who would not ask a
lady too much f " It is to the credit of the association that, cheeky
though the race is, no one could be found to sustain the affirmative.

264.
I observe a magazine article with the inviting title, " Under the
Lash, by one who has been Flogged." Pleasant reading, if the an-
nouncement is to be read literally. I suppose it will be followed by
" Under the Gallows, by One who has been Hanged."

265.

Which reminds me that I have read the report of the Commission on
Capital Punishment. Everybody worth consulting seems to have been
consulted. The report is that murder should be divided into two
degrees, for one of which only, when the jury distinctly find malice, the
extreme penalty is to be awarded — penal servitude is to recompense
other criminals. That infanticide should be punished with penal servi-
tude, not death. And that executions should be private. So say the
Commissioners, who have certainly given thek best energies to their
work.

266.

I congratulate my friend, Sir Roderick vich Murchison, ho'!
ieroe, on being made a Bart. Long may he wave his Red Hand over
his sceptical subjects.

267.

I congratulate my friend William Fergusson on being made a Bart.
It might suggest unpleasant ideas to dwell on the absolute propriety of
giving the badge of Ulster to an operating surgeon, but I rejoice
unfeignedly when anything that is considered an honour is done to a
member of the noblest of all the professions. I am only sorry that he
was not made Lord Spittlehaugh— his place. The name— ask my
learned friend, Mr. Mark Antony Lower else— is clearly a variety of
"Haugh-spital," the scene of some of Sir William's triumphs.

268.

Nicolini is coming out again at the Opera. How jolly old he must
be ! I read about him in Addison's Spectator when I was a boy, and
how gracefully he put[a lion to death in some Opera, and how a gentleman
who was learning fashionable ways took that opportunity of crying
" Ancora."

269.

Mr. Phelps had a power over the rugged natives of Islington.
When he was at Sadler's Wells, the play, even on Boxing-Night, was
heard in silence and with plaudit. He is gone thence, and the audi-
ences have relapsed into primitive barbarism. Cannot the Baptist
Missionary Society take their i case into consideration, as some mis-
sionary hands will probably be disengaged elsewhere P

270.
Mrs. George Geith — I know as well as you do that such is not her
name, and what do you interrupt for r" — I thought you had a Riddell
to ask me. Well, then, the authoress of George Geith is a most delight-
ful writer, and I see her new book is to be called The Race for Wealth.
I suppose this means Ascot, for it is very expensive work going there,
and only rich swells can manage it properly.

271.

Somebody has invented something which, I hear, damps Queen's

heads, and sticks them on letters with no trouble to yourself. All very

well. But I take it that the thing must be fed at some time or other.

Now I am always out of stamps on Sunday, or at some other time when

none are to be had. I want an affair like the baccy box in the tap-rooms
I frequent— it will not open unless you drop a penny in — and then a
stamp should come out. However, the invention, ,if it exist, is in the
right direction, for the taste of the Post Office gum is not nice.

272.
My conversation can never fail to be agreeable and witty, but if, this
week, you detect a certain carnality about it, and deplore a slight
absence of the aesthetic feature, be good enough to remember that I
have been for fourteen days eating turkeys and oxen. With refined
cookery will return diviner inspiration.

273.
The Prench say that we do not hand over to them enough of their
escaped rascaldom, and so our neighbours mean to abolish the arrange-
ment under which, only, can we give up a single scoundrel. I do not
see the logic. I believe tbat we gladly surrender all whom we ought.
Let them simplify their process, and we will see about meeting them
halfway. But we are not going to hand over political refugees, clean
or dirty, nor to obey a warrant stating that a Frenchman is a rascal,
when perhaps he is only a republican.

274.
What does the querist in the Catechism mean by being respectful at the
outset, and then proceeding to tutoyer the respondent ? " What is your
name," if rather point blank, is not impolite, but why am I afterwards
to be called " thou." And then why does he hop back again to " you " ?
Lord Ebury might see to this, among his revisions.

275.

Prom which remarks you are inferring— I see you at it— that I have
been reading my Common Prayer-book when I ought to have been
listening to the Christmas sermon. I scorn your imputations, — send me
the Madeira.

276.

A letter from Miss Martineau to an American publisher intimates
that she resigns the pen. No lady of our age has so well earned the
right to rest [upon her laurels, and I hope that they may long keep
green by the waters of her Lake. Let us drink her health, with all the
honours.

277.

Some of you fellows may write biographies— a man who can write in
Fundi can do anything, from an epic to a Queen's speech. Nor is there
any chance of any of you sinning against good taste ; a man who has
written for Punch has proved that he is a gentleman. But some
biographers are not Punchmen, and it may interest you to hear the
eloquent and mordant protest which has been made against one of the
outsiders by a son whose father's diary has been mercilessly ransacked.
The biographer is the Rev. John Kennedy, the subject is the Rev.
Dr. Macdonald, of Perrintosh, the castigator is his son, and the letter
appears in the Inverness Courier. Perpend.

278.

" A great part of this abortive volume," says the son, "js made up of
extracts from diaries. What right had Mr. Kennedy to unscrupu-
lously divulge to the world, after the lapse of many years, the secret
thoughts of my father's soul ! There is nothing to justify the publica-
tion of portions of those journals. My father's visible | life — his cor-
diality and kindliness abroad, as in his own happy household — his
correspondence, and the many incidents regarding him, treasured up by
sincere friends, constitute the legitimate elements for a biographical
memorial, and not thoughts committed to paper as a sort of relief in
solitary moments, never meant to be unveiled when the dust had
returned to earth." A becoming and filial demonstration, and it would
hurt a pachyderm.

279.

I have heard from a Whig of the most trustworthy (hang "reliable ")
sort, that the new Reform Bill will only propose extensions of suffrage,
not go at disfranchisements and re-arrangements.

280.

My friend, Miss Bateman, has forsakenus, and is on the sea, en route
for her American home. She has obtained and deserved a remarkable
success among us, and I propose to you to devote this glass to
wishing her all kinds of domestic happinesses. Were it our heathenish
fashion to wreathe the flowing bowl, I would garland this crystal
with Wheat.

281.

My friend, Ben Webster, ought to be made the next President of the
United States for his persevering efforts in favour of American talent.
At present we are his debtors for our acquaintance with Rip Van Winkle,
from whom we do not mean to part in a hurry. But 1 owe the said
Benjamin a grudge for not acting, inasmuch as he is one of the few
artists who can draw Me— or Mee, as Milton spells it when he wants
to be emphatic. I wish I could see Messrs. Webster and Jeeferson
in the same piece, but I suppose that this would be flying in the face
of all stage Astrology.

10

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[January 6, 1866.

First Navvy. "T new Mission-ary gave me this 'ere Track jost now, Bill."
Second Navvy. " Ain't seen him. What loike is he ? "

First Navvy.
Guess ! "

" Little Chap— Preaches about eight Stun ten, I should

THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION.

Answered, with great wisdom, by a Black-haired Beauty.

My Mother bids me dye my hair

The fashionable hue,
Which women now so often wear,

And Nature never grew.
She bids me at their chignons peep,

And see how fair are they :
But will dyed hair its colour keep F

And won't it soon turn grey ?

I see girls in the gay saloon,

Or on the grand parade,
And wonder in my heart how soon

Their hair's light hue will fade.
Each night before they go to sleep
| They dye it, I dare say :
But will dyed hair its colour keep ?

And won't it soon turn grey ?

My hair is like the raven's wing,

So jet black are its curls :
What if away my fears I fling,

And dye, like other girls ?
In potash if my head I steep,

I may be fair as they :
But will dyed hair its colour keep ?

And won't it soon turn grey ?

And then, who knows P "Revenge ! " may be

Soon outraged Nature's call :
And, haply, on fair heads you '11 see

The blight of baldness fall !
While such dread thoughts upon me creep,

O ne'er say Dye ; Ma, pray !
'Twere best my own black hair to keep,

Till old age turns it grey.

The Growth of Great Britain.

Our population increases enormously, and the rate
of our consumption is equalled by that of our produc-
tion. What a jolly nation we should be if the conse-
quences were not the enclosure of our commons and the
pollution of our streams !

100 ELEGANTLY FURNISHED MANSIONS

TO BE GIVEN AW AT !

Mr. Punch, determined to eclipse all public benefactors, past,
present, and to come, will distribute among his ardent admirers

ONE HUNDRED ELEGANTLY FURNISHED MANSIONS !

equal in value to

TWO HUNDRED BRITISH CROWNS!!

Young persons about to marry are requested to send their names and
addresses in sealed envelopes.
The Prizes will be drawn by two little blind boys from a

WHEEL OE FORTUNE ! ! !

and will be sent home by Parcels Company, neatly done up in brown
paper.

To prove that he has not been guilty of exaggeration in appraising
these splendid Mansions, Mr. Punch begs to state that they were pur-
chased by himself for ten shillings each at the German Pair, and are
warranted to be of Swiss manufacture.

Like many of our modern Villas, they will be found exceedingly
pretty in appearance, and well adapted— not for habitation— but for
sale.

To the Charitable.
Dear Punch,— The other afternoon I took a Turkish Bath.

On

leaving the establishment I noticed a money-box placed against the
wall, on it was written " Gratuities for the Shampoers." I did not
subscribe, Sir, because at this time of year we ought to give our mites,
not to the sham-poer's box, but to the real poor's box.
I remain, yours salaamingly,

Hadji Wauji Bubu Ba.^

SEASONABLE STATISTICS.

It is computed that the Turkeys which have been consumed this
Christmas would, if piled up in a pyramid a mile square at its base, rise
to ninety-seven feet above the summit of Mont Blanc, with the Monu-
ment atop.

It has been calculated also that the sausages which have been
swallowed with these turkeys would, if strung together, in a double
chain, suffice to put a girdle three times round the earth.

The Christmas-boxes which have been distributed this season amount
to four million, six thousand and seven hundred pounds, fifteen shillings
and three farthings, in Great Britain alone.

According to the last returns, fifty tons of raisins have been used this
year for snap-dragons, and as many as a thousand mouths, and a million
and eleven thumbs and fingers have been burnt.

Out of a hundred diners-out who this year ate their Christmas
dinners, as usual, at a friend's, three only took no soup, eighty-five had
soup and fish as well, fifty-six ate beef and turkey, nineteen, had a
second slice of turkey and no beef, sixty-two ate pheasant, mince-pie,
jelly, and plum-pudding, four took twice of pudding, and one devoured
three mince-pies.

Eleven little children, whose united ages amount to only fifty-seven
years, have consumed, in the short period between Christmas-day and
New Year's, thirty-three plum-puddings, two hundred mince-pies, nine-
teen pounds of sugar-plums, and one thousand and eleven slices of
plum-cake.

The boughs of mistletoe which have been hung up in England alone
amount this season to exactly seven million and eighteen. The number
of kisses given underneath them have been computed on the average at
precisely nineteen hundred and twenty-two apiece.

Nine thousand eight hundred and thirty-seven persons have been
awaked this year in London by the Waits. Of these only eleven bore
the nuisance without grumbling, ten of whom, it should be noted, were
quite deaf in one ear, which they turned uppermost at once, and by
that means soon went off to sleep.

January 6, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

11

LINES BY A POLICEMAN,

ON CHANGING HIS BEAT AND LEAVING HIS COOK,
E(LIZA B(ASTINGS).

Air—" When forced from dear Hebe to go."

When forced from dear E. B. to go,
What hanguish I felt at my 'eart,

And I stopped at the end of the row
To gaze on her two-shilling carte ;

She had such a sorrerful look,
My beat I could scarcely discern,

Oh ! E. B., my own little cook,
You always did chops to a turn —
You always did chops to a turn.

To see when the baker goes by,

And rings at the area bell,
How he hands her the bread with a sigh,

And 'opes that she feels pretty well :
With him she now talks at the gate,

Now walks when it 's her Sunday out-
Yet wait, fickle E. B., O wait,

A sergeant I shall be, no doubt,

A sergeant I shall be, no doubt.

I smile at a nursemaid or so,

Who daily perambulate here;
But what can a nursemaid bestow,

Who keeps not the key of the beer ?
I'm sure of an increase of pay,

Before many more weeks are gone ;
Then E. B. we '11 settle the day,

And bid the poor baker move on !

And bid the poor baker move on !

SWEET THING IN CHRISTMAS VESTMENTS.

Ex Vi Termini.

The pride of Lambeth, penitent Roupell,
Behaves in prison wonderfully well :
And yet what wonder, that an Ex M.P.,
By force of terms should ex-em-plary be.

AN INFERIOR ARTICLE.

{To the Editor of The Grocer^
Sib,

A Recent number of your paper contains the following state-
ment : —

" Wholesale Adulteration of Butter.- Last week half a pound of fresh
butter was purchased at a respectable tradesman s shop at Blandford. After being
melted fully one and a half ounce of a whitey sediment was found at the bottom of
the dish. On examination this proved to be principally composed of flour ; so that
in the one pound of butter rather more than one-fifth part was composed of a sub-
stance used for adulteration. The butter in question was the produce of a dairy
about a mile from Blandford."

You neither mention the name of the place at which the dairy above
referred to is exactly situated, nor that of its proprietor. Why not, Sir ?
Why, because you have too much reason to fear that, if you did, the
rogue whose dairyfproduced the adulterated butter would bring an action
against you for libel. It is very likely that a jury of small tradesmen,
directed by a judge of average judgment, would give him a verdict which
at least would saddle you with serious damages and ruinous costs.

Adulterated butter is an inferior article, and its vendor is a fraudulent
scoundrel; but we must not call him so. It is at our peril that we dare
venture to accuse him of selling an inferior article ; much more that we
denounce him for so doing. But now, Sir my Brother, suppose that
you were capable of admitting an inferior article into your excellent
journal, and anybody were to send you one with his name appended to
it, and you gave it insertion, and some critic fell foul of it, and abused
it, him, and you. Suppose that you and your contributor sued the
critic for damages, what jury would give you so much as a farthing ?
Yet men may live by the sale of literary articles just as.well as by selling
articles of merchandise, and why should one critic be at liberty to decry
an inferior article in print and to vituperate its author, whilst another
critic is made to pay heavily for criticising an inferior article in provisions
or other wares, and calling its producer by his right name? It is as
much for the public good that "the criticism of butter and dairymen, as
that the criticism of writings and authors, should be free. Yet a dis-
paraging review of even a good literary composition, coupled with the
most unjust depreciation of its composer, is safe, whereas it is dangerous
to proclaim the truth about the purveyor of a villanous compound as an

article of food. What if a grocer waters his rum, sands his brown
sugar, wets his tobacco, and then bids the apprentice, whom he has
employed in those operations, come up to prayers ? The Grocer is for-
bidden to expose his practices, and to name him a knave and a hypocrite.
To beat into the heads of judges and juries that equal latitude should
be allowed to the reviews of all articles alike, there is very urgent
necessity, and hard work for the cudgel of

KNUCKLE DOWN ? WE HOPE NOT.

We are told— but of course it is only a canard, and will soon be
practically contradicted — that Lord Russell, having announced to
the Cabinet his wish to offer to Mr, STANSFELDthe Financial Lordship
of the Admiralty, into which the junior Civil Lordship has been or will
be converted, Lord Clarendon interposed an objection that the
appointment of Mr. Stansfeld would be disagreeable to the Emperor
of the French. Nay, some versions of the story go on to say that
Lord Clarendon declared, that if Mr. Stansfeld were appointed to
office, he must withdraw !

Supposing the story to be true, perhaps Lobd Russell's Adminis-
tration might survive even that loss. But of course the story isn't true.
Still the sooner it is contradicted on authority the better.

The best practical contradiction would be Mr. Stansfeld's imme-
diate nomination to the new office.

Whatever people may think of Lord Russell, they know he is
about the last man to authorise a new edition of the Ide'es Napoleon-
iennes from the Clarendon Press.

The Russian and Anglican Churches.

{Communicated by S l, B—p of O—f—d.)

" It 's all off" said Father Popoff to Prince Orloff.

" Yes : let's pop off," said Prince Orloff to Father Popoff.

[And they popped off.

Motto for Cover of Letts's Diaries.— Let 's see !

12

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 6, 1866.

THE T. P. COOKE PRIZE.

{Original Correspondence.)

To the Most Noble and Illustrious of his Race, Punch, Sir,

I see that a prize is to be given, called the T. P. Cooke prize, for the
best nautical Drama. I send you the best nautical Drama. Everybody
here has played it, by himself, in the College Dormitory, at our private
theatricals, which were invented by Charles the Bald, who walked
and talked half an hour afterwards at Charing Cross, and has always
esteemed it one of his chief privileges. I send you this historical note

as a guarantee of good faith : but I am not Hush ! shut it up, as

somebody's looking. Singing, oh the heart that knows no sorrow, and
a Dustman's draught should be ; here to-day and gone to-morrow
afternoon, with his, the comic singers' tiddy fol, lol, lol. But arrah !
whisht ! not a word ; or, if I catch you, I '11 give you a round dozen of
my best sherry ; I will, you dog, you. Pity and forgive, but do not
despair.

Your poor unhappy, Pancakes.

Given in our own shower-bath (because there's no ink),
Colwell Hatchney College.

P.S. I shall send this by telegraph. No pills to be given to the pew-
opener. No.

P.S. Oh, Mammon, how thy curse is on the whirlpool ! (This is out
of my next drama: if you like it, put it in this one.) I write under an
assumed name, with a false nose on.

N.B. My dear Sir, it is with great pleasure that I accept your kind
invitation to dine with me. But know all men by these presents that
a policeman is coming : so away ! away ! to the wild, wild seeds ! I
mean steeds, and the trackless forest ! I hate you !

Opinions of the Press.— " This is the best Drama I Ve ever seen. Send me two

dozen more immediately." "An excellent substitute for marmalade at

breakfast." " Why give more?"

It IS pnllpn

BANDYBLNGO THE BOLD;

OR, THE BUMPTIOUS BUCCANEER OF BUCKINGHAMSHIRE.

Scene— Pimlico in the olden time. A wharf, around which are seated
gentlemen of various persuasions. In different parts of the Staye are
seen several people coming of age quietly. The River winds its way
majestically in the distance. In the centre is a Jew-Pedlar playing
on a dulcimer.

For Dramatis Persona:, call at our office. Hours of attendance from 10 till 4.

Area Bull.

Enter Black Ben.
Black Ben. All hail, Macbeth ! Avast. Yeare beside yourselves,
metliinks, thus to jeer your lawful spouse. Part them !

\The Press gang tear themselves asunder. Tableaux in three acts each.
Music. The Curtain slowly descends half-way, and every one
walks off. On relightina the gas. an interval of twenty years will
have elapsed, during which the play has been changed for some-
thing else, and the Manager will make an apology on the gong.

Enter Clown.
Clown. See what I've fouud.

[Pirates fall out of crevices, where they have been hiding.

Susan. I am true ! I swear it ! The hand that clasped a sailor,
never, never, never will be slaves !
All. Away with him !
[Exeunt the rest stealthily. Susan approaches Black-eyed Joseph
gently : he hurls her over the rocky pass, and then prepares to
descend. Wild Peter dashes at him. Struggle. A balloon,
that has been hovering all through the scene, now swoops down.
Admiral of the Blue. Polled! Foiled! But yet she shall be mine!
{Pinches William, and then goes to his Club, to vote against him at the
next election.) No smoking allowed abaft the binnacle ! The Armada !
A Mannikin suddenly rises. The lady of the House gives the signal, and
all rise simultaneously. The Phantom-Ship is seen grazing peacefully
on the banks of the blue Moselle.

All {fondling one another). Vandekdecken ! Vanderdecken ! !
Vandekdecken ! ! !

Tableau. Set down two and carry one. Curtain.

End of Act the Sixth.

The first three Acts will be omitted, being all the same. After which, a
\ Dance by the Characters.
Blue Joe {speaking through trap c. of stage). And if our friends in
front are but pleased, then all I can say is that the flag of Old Ireland
nourishes no freer son than Challaballa the Miscreant.

Cheers. Curtain falls. After an interval it rises again. Everyone
having left the stage, it descends. Tableau.

OUR NEW YEAR'S GIFTS.

Mr. Punch, always anxious to reward the deserving and encourage
the aspiring, has determined to celebrate the birth of young Sixty-
six by offering to the eminent and conspicuous personages and bodies
mentioned at the foot of this announcement, the Presents recorded
against their respective names, confident that any deficiencies of which
they may be conscious, will be amply supplied by these, Mr. Punch's
Complements of the Season.

The distribution will commence at the official bureau on the day of
the publication of this the Novennial Number.
New Year's Day, 1866.

Earl Russell
Mr. Gladstone ,
Earl Granville
Earl of Derby .

Mr. Bright

Mr. Horsman .....

The Bishops ....

The Judge Ordinary

The Civil Secretary to the Admiralty

Archbishop Manning .

Lord Elcuo ....

The British Museum

The College of Surgeons

Mr. Timbs

fortnum and mason

The Meteorological Department .

Policeman Q. ....

Lords Romilly and Northbrooke

Mr. Chichester Fortescue

The Electors to the Reid Professorship

Duke or Sutherland

Mamma with unmarried Daughters .
Mamma who has just completed her dozen

in the Times

Everybody .......

The Sweets of Office.

His dessert3.

A great Deal Walmer housS.

Dissolving Views of the Treasury
and Downing Street.

A new " Platform," and a Mode-
rator.

The reins of Government.

Lawn games.

Wild-ducks.

Punch a la Romaine.

Pot-pourri.

Bull's-eyes.

A New Head.

The Skeleton in the cupboard.

Dates.

Maccaronic verses.

A New drum.

Collared head.

A Baron of beef each.

An Irish stew.

A Scotch mull.

Doublet and hose.

Excellent matches. 3

A Twelfth cake.

An abundant supply of Punch.

A MEDICAL WIFE.

Dear Doctor Punch, Diddlesex Hospital, Dec. 22nd, 1865.

It would be an impertinence to suppose that any man of
talent could have an idea uupreconceived by yourself. You have pre-
sented for your readers a most charming view of the " Lady Physician"
subject: another such picture would ruin the faculty. But to a rising
man free from medical Toryism and prejudice, what a charming pro-
spect ! — the delights of a consultation ! — the pleasing variety of fair
fellow-doctors after your obstinate old muffs !

Eatre nous, Doctor, the great bore of the profession is that the
enlightened public expects a young man to take unto himself a wife
before he can keep himself. But now, how things will be altered !
Young Dr. Punch drives out first thing in the morning with Mks.
Punch, to make the usual calls. Again, picture to yourself the soothing
inquiries of one's wife when one has a slight cold, "My dear, I am
afraid that now you have caught the epidemic catarrh, you will have
an attack of phleborrhagia — you are so hot-headed, you know ! " Set
against this the emphatic disgust of one, told by one's wife, in the early
spring season, at the dinner-table, that " duck and green peas invariably
bring on your attack of dyspepsia." But the third Scene, Act V.,
gives us a real climax. We '11 suppose that the first maudlin sentiments
of " Love's young dream " are lost in the consideration of maturer
years (as are yours, dear Dr. Punch). When the night-bell rings
(" night bell" facetiously so called) at two o'clock in the morning, what
happens ? You leap out of bed before irresolution conquers, as in " the
happy days of yoreP" Not at all. You simply send out your wife
instead, "And be sure, my dear, bring home with you the double fee ! "

I am, dear Dr. Punch, your admiring Imitator,

Infusum Columb^e.

Translation — " An advocate for an infusion of medical turtle-
doves" {Columbce).

To Dr. Punch, Physician to tJie Infirmary for Aching Sides, fyc.

Mental Torture.

Youngfellow, who is always excessively nervous when " the
Ladies " are proposed, says that until he has returned thanks, and sat
down again, his mind is on the toast-rack.

The Alderman's Paradise.— Turbotston.

January 13, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

13

RATHER A DAMPER!

Rapid Young Lady. " Come aloxg, Mb. Green ! I want a lead at the Bkook ! "

[Green thinks Women have no business out hunting.

COOKERY AND CRUELTY.

Dear Mr. Punch,

The animal return of what is called the festive, which means
the feastive season, sets one naturally thinking about roast-beef and
plum-pudding, and other less substantial dainties for the dinner table.
Not but wliat I t.hiuk about such matters pretty constantly at all
seasons ; for I hold tbat men with brains ought always to give thought
to what they put into their stomachs, upon the well being of which the
healthy action of the brain is materially dependent. So my eyes and
ears are always open for advice in the matter of my diet, and I welcome
with delight a hint of a new dish, or a suggestion to provoke the vigour
of my appetite, and increase thereby my relish for the pleasures of the
table.

As the people who read Punch give proof by their so doing that they
surely are possessed of considerable intelligence, there are doubtless
many among them who will be as glad as I am to hear of some new
triumph in the noble art of cookery. Doubtless therefore they will
thauk you for letting me make known to them, through your delightful
columns, this exquisite Chinese recipe for cooking turtle, which 1, copy
from a lately published book by Dr. Hennie, on the people of Peking : —

"The turtle is place in a vessel of water on the fire, -with a lid over it having an
aperture of sufficient size, and so arranged that the turtle can just get his head out,
and within the reach of highly spiced wine. As the temperature of the water
increases, so does his thirst ; and he gradually goes on drinking the seasoned fluid
until the heat kills him, by which time his whole system has become impregnated
with the vino-aromatic seasoning, and a flavour described as delicious is imparted
to the dish."

I dare say there may be persons who may possibly consider this a
somewhat cruel way of putting animals to death. But man, Sir, after
all is the superior animal ; and the pleasure he derives from eating
turtlefiesh "impregnated with vino-aromatic seasoning" should be
weighed against the pains which, in the process of such seasoning, the
turtle may endure. Besides, Sir, just consider : it really is not certain
that the turtle, when thus dying, suffers any pain at all. Sipping good
spiced wine, while taking a warm bath, can hardly be considered a cruel
form of torture ; and except that, when the water approaches boiling

point, the turtle douhtless feels uncomfortably hot, I can scarcely see
that he has any reason for complaining of the treatment he receives.
All turtles must die ; and being slowly boiled to death while drink-
ing aromatic wine may be a rather enviable way of ending one's
existence. Not being used to wine, the turtle doubtless quickly finds
it get into his head; and long before his dying he is probably dead
drunk.

A turtle, to be sure, is not a ruminating animal ; still if he have any
power of reflection, he must surely, when thus boiled, feel consolation
in the thought that he dies a glorious martyr to the noble cause of
cookery, and that, dying as he does in the most savoury of odours, the
greatest veneration will be paid to his remains.

,; Fondly hoping that in spite of our Society for Cruelty-Prevention, I
may live to taste a turtle, who, while half seas over, has died in a warm
bath, believe me, dear Mr. Punch,

Yours candidly,

An Alderman.

P.S. I wonder if the Chinese eat their turtle soup with chopsticks.
I fear, from want of practice, I am clumsy with those implements ;
and, if 1 be invited to eat aromatic turtle, I should like my host to say
to me, as the child did in the story-book, " Won't you take a spoon,

Pig ? " ,

A Great Irish Fact.

The Irish Republic is flourishing in America, but not only flourishing.
It has arrived at the maturity of a State that has rebellion within its
own bosom to put down. The Penian President at New York finds
himself under the necessity of disavowing the acts of a Penian Senate
self-constituted in opposition to his Government. The Republic of
Ireland thus appears to exist in quite as high perfection as it would if
its President occupied the Castle at Dublin, and College-green were
in a state of revolt. __

Partnership without Limited Liability.— Marriage.

VOL. L.

14

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 13, 1866.

THE CHACE.

Dear Punch, — You heard me
say a week ago that I was
going to have a day with
the hounds. I '11 tell you
how it came about. My
friend, Tom Rede, is as you
may recollect, a quiet elderly
creature, with spectacles,
who, I had always thought,
never went out of town, and
knew nothing whatever_ of
the country. Calculating
upon these supposed oppi-
dan habits, I expatiated to
him at some length upon
rustic joys, the delights of
winter in the country, and,
warming with my subject,
recounted how I used to
hunt the wily fox, ride three
times a week with the
Bracebridge pack, and get
such occasional croppers as
would have shaken any
other man's nerve right out
of him. I wound up by
strongly advising him to go
down into the country for
the winter, take to hunt-
ing and shooting, and really
enjoy life.

I expected him to say that at his age such a thing was out of the
question. I was, therefore, scarcely prepared for his answering me that
he always hunted regularly twice a week, in Cambridgeshire, in Suffolk
sometimes, and now and then in Sussex. I said I envied him, and only
wished that I had a horse in order to join him. Hearing this, he offered
me a mount. I thanked him ; there was nothing I should like so much
as a mount, if not too high. It wasn't too high, he said, only fifteen
one, and as quiet as a lamb. I said, in a tone of surprise, " Oh ! only
fifteen one P " But I don't precisely know what I meant by it. (Would
I come down the day after to-morrow, and have a look at the Sussex
country? Nothing would, I assured him, give me greater pleasure than
to " come down and look at the Sussex country." I should like to look
at it, immensely ; but the day after to-morrow was, I regretted to say,
impossible. " Very well," he returned kindly, " then say the day after
that, or two days after ; it 's all the same to me." This was really
very good of him, but 1 wouldn't inconvenience him ; nothing I should
like better, of course ; but I didn't quite see, owing to press of business,
how I could manage to get away for another fortnight at least. [You
will understand, dear P., that I was longing to go; but it always
happens, that there 's a difficulty when one particularly wishes to
accept some pleasant invitation. I hadn't ridden for some time;
and, therefore, nothing, as I have before observed, would have given
me greater pleasure than to be once more in the saddle crying " Tallyho ! "
and"Yoicks!"] ~C

Tom Rede was very hospitable and pressing ; " settle your own day,"
says he, "and come when you like. There's a mount always at your
service, and when the hounds don't meet, on the off-days there are the
harriers." Capital ! excellent !

I told Rede, I shall be delighted to accept his offer; but was
he quite sure he could give me a mount ? Quite : he informed
me that the horses had no one to ride them, they were doing
nothing, eating their heads off; and had been so long without
work, that if not ridden soon, they'd become too fresh, almost
unmanageable, that is, he added, for any one who likes quiet going.
I took this opportunity of informing him that I liked quiet going :
that, on the whole, I preferred quiet going. " But some spirit, eh ? "
asked Rede. Oh yes, I said, I liked some spirit ; a little, you know.
So it was settled : he would have the chestnut exercised for me every
day, and on Saturday I was to be with him at Bullfinch Hall (just
between Suffolk and Cambridgeshire), and on Monday we would go to
the Pinchley Meet ten miles off. I shook him warmly by the hand,
and hoped that nothing would happen to prevent my coming. [My dear
P., nothing did happen: so I went.]

I employed the intervening days in inquiring of my friends what was
the difference between foxhounds and harriers ; of course I knew, but
not having hunted for some time, I wanted to refresh my memory, as
my idea was that there was less hard riding, or less difficult country, with
harriers, than with foxhounds. My friends said yes, I was right, but
that harriers were capital fun ; and you could get just as much sport
out of 'em as out of fox-hounds. It struck me that, as far as I was
concerned, this was very probable. I mean, that I am such a lover of
sport in any shape, that, even where there is little or no danger, the

sport itself has equal attractions for me. I didn't know whether
breeches and tops were necessary for harriers ; the costume is imma-
terial, it appears ; but as it would seem pretentious to hunt in pink,
I ordered a quiet green coat turned up with scarlet (just to give an idea
of foxhounds) with brass buttons, a pair of cord trousers, which would
do afterwards for ordinary riding, and a pair of black leather gaiters,
which will do, when I'm not riding, for walking in the mud. [Utility,
my dear P., combined with pleasure.]

I do hope that nothing will happen to prevent my going out with
the hounds to-morrow. It would be such a disappointment. ,

I remain, yours for ever,

Martin P. Crupper.

THE UNITED KINGDOM ALLIANCE REFUGE.

What will the Council of the United Kingdom Alliance do with the
£50,000 for which the subscribers to that Association have put down
their names ? Not bolt with the money, for they will be unable to
do that until they get it, which if they ever do the subscribing par-
ties will be even greater fools than we take them for. In the impro-
bable event, however, of the sum, or some of it, being really paid up,
and the receivers of it being disposed to apply it in any way to the
promotion of temperance, the best thing they could do with it would be
to expend it in founding an institution such as the doubtlessly useful
charity thus described in the Times : —

" Inebriate Asylum. — The Binghamtown (United States) Republican announces
that the Inebriate Asylum has opened another ward, which will accommodate 22
additional patients. The inmates are said to comprise men of strong intellect,
victims of and chained by the fiend of intoxication. It is stated that encouraging
instances of cure have been given."

In devoting any money subscribed towards the purposes of the
United Kingdom Alliance to the purpose of instituting an " Inebriate
Asylum," the Executive of the Alliance will not appropriate its funds
exclusively _ to other uses than their own. People who are such
"dipsomaniacs" that they cannot trust themselves with strong drink,
consult their own well-being in the establishment of an asylum for the
victims of inebriety, and lunatics who want to deprive the majority of
beer in order to prevent the minority from getting drunk ought to be
shut up. It would not be altogether irrespectively | of their own
interests that the gentlemen who administer the pecuniary affairs of the
United Kingdom Alliance would apply any resources with which it
might possibly be supplied by the folly of its supporters, to the founda-
tion of an " Inebriate Asylum."

THE MIRACLES OF MACHINERY.
Mat it Please tourIHoliness,

The following paragraph appears in the Hampshire Independent: —

" A Statue Weeping by Steam. — The Florence Correspondent of the Indepen-
dance Beige says that a singular discovery has been made in a church in one of the
faubourgs of Milan. A statue of St. Magdalen, which has long been famous for
weeping in the presence of unbelievers, was recently moved in order to facilitate
repairs for the church. It was found that the statue contained an arrangement for
boiling water. The steam passed up into the head, and was there condensed. The
water thus made its way by a couple of pipes to tbe eyes, and trickled down upon
the cheeks of the image. So the wonderful miracle was performed."

Would it be too much to ask your Holiness if this story can possibly
have any truth in it ? The children of your Holiness will tell me that
it is absurd to ask such a question of their Holy Father. Yet what am
I to think when I consider that certain ecclesiastics, who dare teach
nothing but what the Pope sanctions, teach, unrebuked by the Pope,
that the " Holy House " at Loretto flew thither from Syria, and that
the blood of St. J anuarius melts periodically at Naples ? The organs of
your Holiness in the Press have asserted the reality of winking images
even < in your Holiness's own states, and I think your Holiness has
never [told them not to tell such lies. If the images really do wink, it
is possible that they wink by means analogous to those which are said
to have enabled the statue at Milan to cry. Might I humbly suggest
that if your Holiness would vouchsafe to order a satisfactory examina-
tion of all alleged crying and winking images, people would not have
the audacity to suspect your Holiness of conniving at humbug ? Ready
to salute the foot of your Holiness according to the nature of my species,
I await your Holiness's apostolical benediction, not anathema and kick
in the chaps, and am, respectfully, my master's dog, j

Toby.

Self-Help and Small Salaries.

It appears that the Clerks of Her Majesty's Customs are grossly
underpaid. Cannot Government help them ? There is no honest way
in which they can help themselves ; and they have large opportunities
of helping themselves to the public money. It is no small credit to
them that they have, as a body, faithfully abstained from resorting to
the only self-help in their power.

January 13, 1866.J

PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

15

POOR INNOCENT BLACKS!

Mr. ' Chamerovzow ! O ye
Ministers of the Methodist
and Baptist denominations
who at the Hall of Exeter
have uplifted your voices in
judgment against Governor
Eyre ! How warmly must
your affectionate sympathies
be enlisted in favour of those
interesting creatures whose
acts of playful abandonment
are thus described in a letter
which appeared the other
day in the Daily Telegraph
on " The Jamaica Insurrec-
tion":—

" By this time the rebels -were
close to the works, calling out,
' Colour, colour ! no white skin to
escape ! ' and came in, smashing
everything, and searching for us.
They broke into my store, where
they found two puncheons of
rum, which they drank. It put
them into good humour, and
probably saved our lives, as I
heard one say, ' De liquor good ;
don't bodder with dem — let 's go
to Holland. We '11 get de women
when we want dem. Qoeen say
country for us; we got it now.'
And off they went, singing, 'Cheer,
boys, cheer, Sebastopol is taken.'' "

How like children ! " Cheer,
boys, cheer, Sebastopol is
taken" was the white man's song of triumph. And yet the despised and oppressed
negroes sang it in the joyous outburst of their animal spirits. And their talk, too,
how closely similar to the prattle of babes. They lisp, they babble, they talk
broken English. Shall the little excesses of these innocents be called outrages, and
atrocities ? Oh no, no !

Beloved friends, if, at this season of the year, you could so far forget yourselves
as to go to such a place as one of the large theatres, you would there see, in
what is called the Pantomime, a sinful individual, in raiment of divers colours,
perform sundry acts of violence. You would behold him kick people, and knock
them down, assault and beat them, cut their heads off, perhaps stifle an infant, or
swing it round by the heels and dash its head against a wall, or the person of this
aged companion ; and certainly burn the latter, and other persons, with a red-hot
poker. And all the while his exclamations and gestures would be those of the
nursery. And therefore, instead of exciting indignation and horror in the bosoms
of the spectators, he would move their laughter, yea, peradventure even your
own, for ah his sinfulness. What is the difference, beloved brethren, between this
representative of a great unthinking riotous baby and an African insurgent ? Of
a truth chiefly that his face, instead of being black, is smeared with white and
daubed with vermilion ; for the rest, that his tricks merely appear to injure people
and give them pain, and that the poker wherewithal he seemeth to burn them is
not verily red hot.

And behold, in the foregoing tale, how the poor negroes were immediately put in
a good humour by the two puncheons of rum which they found and drank in the
store. Oh ! give them rum, then ; do not hang them nor shoot them. Rum and
hot water, with certain lumps of sugar in it, and a squeeze of lemon, how good
is it ! Yea, and moreover, with a dash of brandy superadded, it maketh punch.

ART NEWS.

A Venerable edifice in Westminster, a Chapter of Accidents House— as its vary-
ing fortunes entitle it to be called— changing from crozier to crown, from mitre to
mace, now the Parliament House, now the Record Office, but never (to remove
a popular misapprehension) the place of publication of the newspaper bearing
that name, is in an ugly degraded state, and requires prompt and perfect restoration.
A grant of national money is sought to bring back this national building to its
ancient beauty and splendour.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer has consented to receive a deputation
from those who are zealous for the rise of the Chapter House after its fali, when
he has seen all the pantomimes, and settled all the bills (with one considerable
exception). The members of this deputation are well chosen representatives of
antiquity, art, and religion, and deserve the success they are competent to win.
Eirst comes the President of the Society of Antiquaries— a Stanhope will not stop
the way— next the Dean of Westminster^ who needs not to be prompted with
the stimulating words, " On, Stanley, on :" and last, the President of the Insti-
tute of British Architects, to whom this desirable restoration will not be the least
of the " Pleasures of Hope." Let us wish that they may find Mr. Gladstone,
radiant with the benevolence inspired by a surplus, and ready to capitulate to their
capitular appeal, backed up, as it should be, by that distinguished architect from
an encounter with whom the Chancellor cannot expect to come off ScoTT-free.

Hereafter we hope to give an exact account of the inter-
view, chapter and verse ; meanwhile, success to the Dean
and Chapter House.

DIVES'S CHRISTMAS CAROL.

Christmas comes but once a year,

And therefore let 's be merry,
With turkey and chine, and the best of wine,

And the brightest of holly-berry.
Let 's face plum-puddings wherever we turn,

Rum-punch all dip the nose in ;
Our only blues the snap-dragons that burn,

Our Moet, the one thing frozen.

Yes, "Peace on Earth— Goodwill to Man,"

Is the motto of the season :
I apply the rule wherever I can, —

In course by the light of reason.
But how to get "peace " with all this fuss,

About these pauper varmint ?
How feel "goodwill" to a man who dares

Be poor, and feel no harm in 't ?

Mv banker's balance I 've got to check,

With that I've no cause to quarrel ;
And the year's returns of the Revenue

Are as good as a Christmas carol.
To feel one's own few thousands safe,

And the nation's millions growing,
One's belly full, and one's bills all met,

And not a farthing owing.

Ah, that 's the thing breeds peace on earth,

And good-will to man, 1 reckon,
That makes one happy to go to church,

And follow where Parsons beckon.
But instead of such blessed Christmas thoughts,

And such sweet Christmas reading,
Here 's a lot of fellows, who seem to think

What one wants at Christmas is bleeding.

1 don't mean bleeding in the arm,

But in the breeches' pocket :
'Ecod, if one only listened to them,

One soon might strike one's docket.
It 's giving for this, and giving for that,

And giving for the other —
And brotherly love — as if Lazarus

At the gate, there, were my Brother !

To say nothing of respect for ranks,

And difference of stations ;
Wemake it a rule in our family,

Not to know poor relations.
If Lazarus hasn't bread to eat,

Let him ask in the proper quarter ;
There 's the casual shed, six ounces of bread,

And a drink of excellent water !

I did even hear some talk of cheese,

No doubt, from that H. B. Earnall,
Who is always for cockering paupers up

With creature-comforts carnal.
A teaching them to look to the rates,

Instead of their religions ;
Till they grow as saucy as fighting cocks,

And as fat as pouter-pigeons.

Or else they take to dying off,

Of typhus, for aggravation ;
And then the newspapers, they flare up,

And bring it in starvation !
A nice time well-to-do people have,

That pay their rates and taxes ;
How are we to look to number one,

If we give to whoever axes 'i

I 'm as much for peace 'and good-will, I am,

As any man alive is„
1 pay my way, and I do my best,

Eor myself and each little Dives.
So don't disturb my Christmas meal,

And my Christmas-day digestion;
The Union 's open to Lazarus, —

If the Board his right don't question.

OUR PRIZE DISTRIBUTION.

It was soch a Lark this Year ! Taking place so near Christmas, our Committee went in for Seasonable Prizes. Little
Ledgerson got a Barbel of Oysters and a Warming-Pan (for Eighteen Marks !), and Straitedge of our Company (Heavy
Swell, though he 'll only Shoot for Prizes) was awarded Half a Ton of the best Wallsend ! {Ironical Cheers from No. 3
Company.)

CHAMEROBZOW.
( A Negro Melody. )

De niggers, when dey kick up row,
No hang, no shoot, say Chamerobzow.
Chamerobzow de friend ob nigger,
In all de world dar arn't a bigger.

Golly wolly, gorraworra, bow-wow-wow !

De nigger lub him Chamerobzow.

De buckra try, de buckra swing;
Yoh ! Chamerobzow, dat ar 's de ting.
De nigger am your man and brudder :
You tell de debble take de udder.

Golly wolly, gorrawarra, bow-wow-wow !

De nigger's friend Ole Chamerobzow.

THE MARYLEBONE LION AND THE SCOTTISH UNICORN.

'To Mr. William Burns, of Glasgow.

Dear Sir,

A Common affliction makes us brothers, at all events it will
excuse me for addressing a stranger.

I am happy (in my affliction) to perceive that you consider Scotland
aggrieved because the name " England " is ordinarily used for the
British Empire, and that statesmen and others call every man among
us an " Englishman."

You have published the Correspondence which you have had on this
important question. Lord Palmerston told you that " no disparage-
ment was meant, but that the ordinary parlance was convenient." Sir
John Pakisgton only acknowledged your letter, and I hope he is
reflecting on the matter. Mr. Bright wrote a very smart letter,

advising you to " secede," like the Confederates, and assuring you of
much sympathy among the aristocracy. Sir A. Alison pleaded guilty,
and promised amendment. Mr. Gladstone said that to use the word
" British" would be offensive to the Irish, (who are twice your number)
but that he could never mean a slight to the ^Scotch. The Duke of
Somerset, as might have been expected, never answered at all.

I, Mr. Burns, Sir, have a similar grievance. You' represent Scot-
land, that is, just three millions of people, who object to be classed with
the twenty-six millions of fellow subjects. I represent Marylebone,
that is, a district bearing just the same proportion to London as Scot-
land does to the rest of the United Kingdom. And as you very rightly
object, being Scotch, to be called English, we with equal right, being
Maryleboners, object to be called London.

We'are a different lot altogether. We are educated, and wide awake,
and fond of travelling, and we live in good stone houses, and we have
traditions of glorious things, specially Tyburn Gallows, which was un-
constitutionally removed to London, like your Coronation Chair, and
many deeds of highwaymen, who emulated the courage of your own
border sheep-stealers. We are not Londoners. We have no objection
to live in reasonable friendship with London, but we will not have our
nationality submerged by the haughty Cockney.

I thank you for setting the example, Mr. Burns, Sir, of raising the
independent standard. I hope, ere long, to raise our own, and perhaps
the Scottish Lion and the English Marrowbone, emblazoned on our
banners, and advancing side by side, may awe the tyrannical " English-
men " and " Londoners " into according us due recognition.

Marylebone Board.

Believe me, Mr. Burns, Sir,

Your obedient Servant,

A Bold Marrow Bone.

P.S. Campbell was certainly a Scotchman, and as certainly wrote
Ye Mariners of England, and mentioned "the meteor flag of England."
But perhaps he was deteriorated by English adulation.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— January 13, 1866.

a

LOOK ON THIS PICTURE, AND-

>j

Britannia. "THAT, SIRE, IS THE PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN WHOM I SHOULD HAVE HAD TO
GIVE UP TO THE ERENCH GOVERNMENT, HAD I ALWAYS TRANSLATED 'EXTRADITION' AS YOUR
MAJESTY'S LAWYERS NOW WISH."

January 13, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

19

f rnifjf'a fcaMe-ftalh.

282.
The Wallace Monument Fund was, deservedly, a failure. Let every-
body who was foolish enough to subscribe to it atone for that error by
subscribing to the Wallace Memorial Eund. This is a provision for
the family of the late Mr. Vincent Wallace, the composer. More-
over, every one who knows Maritana, or Lurline, will be glad to do
something in return for the pleasure those works have afforded him or
her. You are to send your money to the Secretary, at Cramer & Co.'s,
201, Regent Street. Copy the address.

283.

Westminster Abbey has been keeping its eight-hundredth birthday.
A special service, and a noble sermon from Dean Stanley — text, " And
it was at Jerusalem, the feast of the Dedication, and it was winter."
But the Chapter-House, the Chapter-House. Are we Goths, Vandals,
railway-plotters, churchwardens, or other barbarians ? Is that glorious
Chapter-House to be taken in hand, or not P Mr.' Cowper does not
like to ask for money for the purpose. Should he, or any other Minister,
ask money for any other architectural purpose — I believe that I am
understood — the Members for Westminster will have something to say
to him.

284.

There is but one rule for a critic of sculpture, and it is a good rule,
because it is based on the sentiment of gratitude. Abuse every work
not executed by the sculptor-friend who supplies you with your techni-
calities.

285.

Somebody sends me an advertisement of a Ladies' College near
Manchester. After an enumeration of the " onomies " and " ologies,"
the Principal says, in pleasant colloquial way, " Never had a case of
sickness which speaks volumes for the salubrity of the College." If
my daughters were not placed elsewhere — and so forth.

286.
A decolletie old girl neglected in a ball-room always reminds me of
something that daily appears in the weather-table about the thermo-
meter. Exposed — in shade."

287.
There is a good deal to be said on both sides of the beef, but I am
dogmatic — give me the sirloin stake.

288.
Buttoning on a collar is cruel work for the nails when the linen is
thick, and sternly starched, and the button is large and closely sewn.
But if you will give me some money, I will; tell you how to meet the
difficulty. Dip the button-hole for ten seconds into water.

289.
I am far from satisfied with the proofs by Dr. Whewell, or any-
body else, that the planets are not inhabited by human beings. Very
likely the fashionably scientific world in Saturn is saying the same
thing of a poor little planet next Venus, and lighted by one speck of a
moon. Dr. Akenside is a better philosopher.

290.
Join the ladies ? Certainly not. But the youngest and handsomest
of you may go up and respectfully ask the ladies to join us, if they have
quite finished the analysis of the characters of absent friends.

291.

When a person describes some small accident — an awkward cut with
a knife, or something of the kind — which he or she has received, it is
conventional to make a sympathetic grimace. I wonder why ? The
demonstration irritates me.

292.

A man gave me a story of a valet, in the country, who was told by his
master that as one of the keepers was ill, he, the non-hero-worshipper,
must go out with the sportsmen next day, and help to load. Valet
declined. Being told that he must, and again declining, his reasons
were demanded. " The last time I did that, Sir, I shot a gentlemanj
and if that occurred again it might be injurious to me." Me was sacked'

293.
I think sundry have been hard on the appointment of Lord Granville
to the Cinque Ports. I believe that no gentleman of quality presides
more gracefully over ports, clarets, and all the other fluids.

294.
Tell your hareems that under the new Eire Brigade law, the penalty of
letting a chimney take fire, under any circumstances, is one sovereign.
It will be cheaper to have in the sweeps regularly. If they do not
sweep properly, and fire occurs, you are empowered to sue them — if you
like. Suit— soot— come— for shame— drink.

295.
A late American mail says that Captain Raphael Semmes, of the

Alabama, has been caught by the United States Government. I imagine
that, if this is true, Raphael's last Cartoon will be remarkable for the
execution.

296.
On New Year's night I was done at whist, and that 's the truth.
Husband and wife against us. I detected three signals, and I dare say
there were more. " Don't look so sleepy, Charles," said Mrs.
Charles, "I declare"' you shan't dine at that Rag, as you call it, any
more." The villain played a Club.

297.

Later, Mrs. Charles launched a sarcasm at her lord. He smiled
with the utmost good temper, and said, " A wife loves to give her
husband a Dig in society." The woman came out with the very Spade
she ought to have played.

298.

Then the last distinct call I heard was this. " I suppose, Mr. Punch,"
says the female fiend, that Mrs. Punch has had a little present, a ring
or something, for her New Year's gift. I, of course, get nothing."
How those facts might be is not to the purpose, but Mr. Charles
played the card that gave them the odd trick, I needn't say a small
Diamond. Let the couple understand that I don't sit down with it
again.

299.

I wish Sir Samuel Morton Peto, of the Severn, would promise
me one of its salmons, and send me a hundredweight of tea instead.
It would not be much for him to do, and it would enable me to write
to him in the words of the ancient gladiator, Non, te, Peto, piscem peto.

300. f|
How elegantly the Athenaeum Club has washed itself. It looks quite
radiant and marble-like. It has, very properly, left untouched the
statue of its goddess. I wonder whether any of the members recollect
some impertinent lines written when the Club was built, and beginning,
most rudely, thus :—

" Raise to the skies your Attic shout,
But tell us, ere your sports begin,
Why Wisdom only stands without,
And all her Owls are gorged within."

301.

Thanks to Gladstone and the Cigar, the wine merchants do not, I
hear, make such colossal fortunes as heretofore. Eew of them retire
with more than half a million.

302.

Christmas-boxing is a brutal, insular pleasure, but, my boys, thank
your luck that your year does not begin with a Jour de I An. Read the
Paris letters. Brats send back new years' gifts, if they do not cost £6
or £7. The little monsters want King Solomon behind them.

303.
The gentle Lamartine is composing a sweet poem, called Ma Mere.
The original is in our spelling-books :—

" Who ran to help me when I fell.
And would some pretty story tell.
Or kiss the place and make it well ?

Ma Mere."
304.
Plutarch says that Horatius, of the Bridge, had his eyes so close
that people called him Cocles as short for Cyclops. What dread-
fully stupid asses the historians would have us consider' the ancients
to have been! I believe it as 'much as that he was called Cocles
because, like myself, he was addicted to Cockle's pills.

305.
The papers say that there is an old party, called Bain, somewhere in
Scotland, who is one hundred and seven, and shaves himself every day.
I am sorry that years have brought him no more wisdom. I am only
in the prime of life, and yet I have learned never to shave.

306.
My friend Mrs. Stowe has issued a goody little book on little
naughtinesses. She calls it Little Foxes. I await your epigram, gentle-
men, but don't all say at once that it will have a sequel — Great Geese.

307.

Quintilian says that when you can't express yourself, it only means
that you don't know what you want to say. That respectable Spaniard
was not everybody. It may mean, and often does, that you want to
say something which shall be very disagreeable, but, incapable of being
repeated to your prejudice.

308.

You fellows have not given me a Testimonial lately. What are you about ?
Do you wish me to imitate half the people who get these things, order
one in your names, and pay for it myself ? Because I shan't. Seriously,
I have observed some very pretty things in the windows.this Christmas.
If you prefer making Mrs. P. the recipient, I have not much objection,
and she has none. Don't let me have to speak aboutjihis again.

20

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Jaxuart 13, 1866.

THE FESTIVE SEASON.

Host (Mr. Jones). " Glad to See ter Feed so Beautiful, Mrs. B. ! "
Guest (Mrs. Brown). " Thank teb, Mr. J. ! I 'm doin' Lovely ! "

SONG OF THE EESTIVE SEASON.

(A Duet for the Piano at Evening Parties.)

HE.

" The dress you wore a year ago,

What signifies it now to you F
'Tis old, and this time twelvemonths so

Will that which now you wear be too."

SHE.

" That dress is gone. I do not care.

It gave me, when I wore it, joy.
Where are your smoked cigars, and where

The claret that you've drunk, my boy ? "

HE.

" Steam-engines coal and water stoke
To do much work of various kind.

Behold the fruits of wine and smoke
In bright productions of the mind ! "

SHE.

" Cast tubs and tubs upon the sea ;

One serves at last to catch a whale.
Dress after dress may ventured be :

No matter, if the last prevail."

HE.

"4When tubs to catch a whale are spent,
The prize obtained repays their use.

All that expense of ornament
Will only chance to catch a goose."

SHE.

" When engines draw a railway train, '

Or stuffs of silk and cotton spin,
Eor fuel in return there 's gain : i

Mere trash for all that you take in."

HE.

" Ah ! when, a blooming belle no more,

By dressing at enormous cost,
You've won a booby, you '11 deplore

The money and the time you 've lost."

SHE.

" Now don't you talk like that to me
Of things you know not aught about.

And only think what you will be,
Old fogy, when you've got the gout !"

3?

HOMOEOPATHY IN CATTLE AND CHRISTIANS.

Mr. Punch,

Zo they 've a ben tryun Hummyopathy for the Cattle Plag up
there in Norfolk I zee ; that are Society wi' the Duke o' Marlbro' at
the head on un, and Mr. Caird at the tail. And by Mr. Caird's
account on't in the Times it dwoan't sim to answer. Yaa; just as I
thought for. 1 know'd it never ood. But I be glad they've been and
tried it, howsomedever. There 's nothun like testun things like them
there on dumb annimles. A old ooman med be cured by magination
when she thinks she's beun cured by zummut else, but magination
wun't cure a old cow.

Well, now what do they find, them fellers wi' their speriments in
Hummyopathy ? Why, what few cattle they do cure they cures by
diet. Just as I said for too. You m' pern' pon't 'tis the same wi
Christians.

I never put no faith in the Hummyopathistes and their mitesimal doses.
Like, they say, cures like, and the way to cure like by like is to gie like
in them there doses they calls mitesimal. Well ; and they gives cattle
— dwoan't 'urn? — about a millionth of a grain of assnick at a time to
cure the cattle di3aise. Come then ; suppose a feller had pison'd his
self wi assnick, what ood they gie un to cure unV that on the rule that
like cures like ? A mitesimal dose o' blue vitterul ?

I doan't say but what a mitesimal dose o' vitterol, blue or green, ood
be as good a antidwooat to a mitesimal dose o' assnick as are another
thing. But dwoan't mitesimal causes produce mitesimal effects ? The
good as Hummyopathy have done in the Cattle Plag sims to ha' ben
mitesimal. As a roominatun sart o' chap myself, besides a farmer, I
takes a nateral interest in the cure o' cattle complaints, which wun't be
accomplished, I 'm afeard, by Hummyopathic cow-docturun.

I be, Mr. Punch,

Your obajent Sarvunt,

Jacob Homegreen.

P.S. How 'd it be if doctors as prescribes mitesimal doses was paid by
mitesimal vees ?

IMAGINARY INTELLIGENCE.

Under some other than the foregoing title, a column of announce-
ments such as the following would serve, perhaps, pending a dearth of
news, as preferable substitutes for statements about the enormous
gooseberry, or the gigantic turnip, or for paragraphs not more interest-
ing, if more authentic, relative to the mildness or severity of the season.

A severe shock of an earthquake was felt yesterday at Bury St.
Edmunds. It was so violent as to displace the signboard of the Rising
Sun, which fell down and killed a pigeon that happened to be feeding
under it at the time.

A Brute. — At Billericay in Essex, last Monday, an agricultural
labourer, for a wager, performed the disgusting feat of going the whole
hog by eating a sucking-pig entire.

An aerolite, weighing about a ton, fell on Tuesday afternoon in a
field at Sutton Scotney, in the occupation of Mr. Smith, on a cowshed
which it set on fire and destroyed. The property we understand is
insured, and the meteoric stone has been placed in the county museum.

On Wednesday last, in Sherwood Forest, a boa-constrictor was found
by a woodman coiled up in the interior of a hollow oak. The creature,
which, of course, was in a torpid state, is supposed to have escaped
from a travelling menagerie.

Unusual Occurrence. — A water-spout fell on Thursdayat 10 30 a.m.,
in an inclosure at the back of the Grammar School, Wimborne, Dorset-
shire. The water, which completely flooded the neighbourhood, was
found to be of a crimson colour, which has \ been determined by a
botanist to be owing to the presence of myriads of minute fungi.

A nugget of gold, weighing 3 cwt., was on Eriday last discovered by
a labourer who was at work in a chalk-pit at Twyford Down, near
Winchester. It is to be hoped that the fortunate finder of this large
amount of treasure-trove will be allowed a liberal per-centage on it by
the Crown.

A Visitant from the Andes.— A fine specimen of the Condor (Sar-
coramphus Gryphus) was shot on Saturday near the summit ofHeivellyn,
which for the last few days has been covered with snow.

January 13, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

21

EUCLID FOR THE GREEN ROOM.

A Point is that which has no parts ; but there are hardly any parts
without a point.

n.
A line is length without breadth ; as, for instance, a Walking Gentle-
man's line in a five act Comedy.

in.
A line, in mathematical science, is also breadth without length ; as,
for instance, a Low Comedian's line in a one act farce of practical fun.

IV.

When a fellow standing on another fellow makes the adjacent angles
equal to each other, each of these fellows is called an Acrobat.

v.
An obtuse manager is greater than an acute author.

VI.

Terms, are the pecuniary arrangements between actors, authors, and
managers.

VII.

A figure is a sum paid and received : e.g., £100 per night is a good
figure.

VIII.

A quadrilateral figure is contained by four straight lines, thus, £1111.

A dress-circle is a semi-circle.

IX.

The centre of a circle used to be Widdicomb or the Clown at
Astley's.

XI.

Multilateral figures are Professional Entertainers.

XII.

A rumpus is a one-sided affair, kicked up, e.g., by the Leading Lady.

XIII.

A rhomboid is an unfortunate dramatic genius, only to be inspired by
rum : hence the term rum-buoyed, j

xrv.
Parallel straight lines are such as are in the same plane (or playin'),
and which being produced ever so far both ways do not meet ; e. g.y
Mr. Charles Kean and Ma. Gtjstavus Brooke produced in every
way, but they will never meet.

Axiom.
A part is often greater than the whole.

GRAMMAR ON THE WATERS.

" The utmost of wisdom," says Plato, " should go to the making of
laws." We rejoice to know that in the case of the bye-laws of the
Iron Boat Company, whose vessels ornament the Thames, the utmost
of wisdom, practical and grammatical, has been exercised. In proof we
subjoin the following Law of the Company : —

w All passengers are to land before any embark."

This seems to demand an impossibility, but nothing is impossible to
genius. We intend, however, to go down to one of the piers and see
how it is managed. Perhaps it only means that everybody who happens
to be on board when the vessel reaches a pier must come off, if anybody
else wishes to go on board. This seems hard on a person who has
embarked for Westminster, but is compelled to get out at Blackfriars.
Still, individual inconveniences are inseparable from great public
systems, but we think we would have a fight with the captain, or at
least the stoker, before being turned out, in accordance with this law.

But here is another—

"No person allowed to travel by the Boats when in a state of intoxication."

We have heard of boats in a state of unrepair, and in a state of dis-
order, and in a state of shabbiness, but we never before heard of a
drunken boat. We fear that it must reel awfully, and therefore it is
wise and humane not to allow persons to come on board such a pro-
fligate vessel. Plato is well studied by the I.B.C.

Dr. Pusey's Evening Hymn.

" I Nightly pitch my moving tent
A day's march nearer Rome."

The Sinking Fund.— The Royal Humane Society's Income.

THE KIRK'S TABULATION.

" Dr. Nohman M'Leod had the honour of joining the Royal party at Osborne. "-

Court Circular for Jan. 4.

Here 's Norman M'Leod, that heretic proud,
Who approves of folks shaving on Sundays,

And maintains that a walk, and a rational talk,
Are no worse upon Sundays than Mondays, —

Far from being slighted, his Kirk-prospects blighted,

His person proscribed like his errors —
Asked to Osborne to dinner, the sorning arch-sinner,

For whom Sunday-breach has no terrors !

Unco-gude and o'er-righteous, in conclave we cite you as

Upholders of Kirk and of Covenant,
Heap the coals of zeal's fire for a sin-purging pyre,

And join hands for a summary shovin' in't

Of Norman M'Leod, and the small fry who crowd

In his wake, whether cleric or laic,
The Burns and M'Quistens, who claim to be Christians,

And yet call the Sabbath Judaic !

Oh genius of Calvin, that found fire a salve in

The great leading case of Servetus,
Inspire the Kirk's members, and stir up Bale's embers,

For such heretics' speedy quietus.

And thou, meek'of spirit, that seem'st"to inherit

From Scotland the root of the matter,
Blow, Record, thy bellows, for us thy yoke-fellows,

These heretic legions to scatter.

Allegiance to reason to Faith must be treason

In M'Leod, as it was in Colenso :
Those who heed a M'Quisten to Stanley would listen :

Make joint cause, in communi offenso.

With free speech and free thought, think what harm may be
wrought,

To the great cause, to which we both vowed are !
We alone have the right, all save we grope in night,

Our dark lanterns the sole ones allowed are !

THE HAIR AND MANY FRIENDS.

Whether girls pay much attention to the inside of their heads now
is more than we can say ; but they certainly bestow vast cultivation on
the outside. Scarcely even in the good old dirty days of hair powder,
were such time and trouble spent upon capillary attractions. In many
cases, too, the charms of nature are entirely disregarded by their
owners, and beautiful black hair is ruthlessly dyed yellow, because that
colour happens to be thought just now more fashionable than any
darker hue. The maxim Never to say Dye is put aside completely, and
ladies think no more of changing the colour of their heads than they do
of altering the ribbon of their bonnets.

We should not at all wonder if it soon became the fashion to dye the
hair to match the colour of the clothing, and to wear a different
chignon and a different complexion at different times of day. A lady
in the morning may appear with dark brown tresses to suit a dark
brown dress, and in the evening dye them yellow to match her yellow
silk. So, when deep mourning was required, the hair might be dyed
black, and a streak or two of grey might easily be added in cases where
half mourning was thought to be required. Nor would it much surprise
usjf, by way of a variety, hair sometimes were dyed pinK, or assume
some other colour which it never has in nature, but which fashion might
adopt. For instance at a fancy ball, a girl who _ wished to wear the
costume of a mermaid (whatever that may be) might dye her hair sea-
green and stick some sprigs of coral in it, or else a comb of whalebone,
if she deemed it comb il faut. So a flower-girl, perhaps, might colour
her hair blue, and be regarded as a blue belle ; or if she fancied that
pink ringlets better suited her complexion, she might get her coiffure
talked of as the pink of perfection.

Question by the Geographical Society.

Government have given the Master of the Rolls a peerage,
do they mean to do for Mr. Baker ?

What

The Bitter Cup.— How annoying it must be to a teetotaller to
have a bottle-nose !

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 13, 1866.

Printed by William Bradburv, of No. 13, |T'rpcr;Woburn Place, in the Parish nf St. Pancru. 'n the C .imty of Middlesex, and Frederick! Mullett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, irj t'Orecinct of
Whitefnara, City of London, Printers, at their Office in (,r mbard Street, in the Precinct o( Whitefriaj, City of London, and published by thein at No. bb, Fleet Street, in tbe Farish 01 Si. Bike, City
urdav, January 13, 1866.

January 20, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

23

Painter. " You don't mean to Sat you want Me to Sign it, when I tell
you I did not Paint it ? And a Beastly Copy it is, too ! "

Picture-Dealer. " Vy not, goot Sib ? vy not ? Tot ! tot I tut ! I only vish
you Aktis's vos Men of Bis'ness ! "

RUSSIA TO PRUSSIA.

No, Sir, my Brother, be content

To leave alone those Duchies ;
Think not, from Denmark though you rent,

To keep them in your clutches.
It suited me to let you split

Your neighbour's realm asunder,
And from his crown detach a bit :

But now — hands off the plunder !

You chose to do a wicked thing,

'Twas not my cue to stop it.
You slew the Danes and robbed their King ;

Must yield the prey : so drop it.
You stole, whilst I tbe theft surveyed,

What you shall hold no longer.
Denmark the weaker you have made ;

Must not make Prussia stronger.

Thanksgiving for the spoil and slain,

As bound in pious duty,
You rendered, half, at least, in vain .

You must restore the booty.
Meanwhile remains a little bill,

Whose dread you'll hardly smother.
Thank One for slaughter if you will,

You '11 have to pay another.

For bloodshed and expense you 've naught

To show your angry nation,
Whose discontent may give you thought,

But gives me no vexation.
Now see to Bismarck what you owe :

A bubble : and how hollow !
He to the deuce had better go,

And you as well might follow.

Native Wit.

Brown, being advised for the benefit of his palate to
taste an oyster roasted in a thin slice of bacon, passed a
sleepless night in trying to concoct a feeble joke about
the oddity of putting the spat upon the spit.

A Great Hit.— The man who first " struck ile" must
have been Rowland.

A MARKET POR HIGH ART.

Mr. Punch,

On the memory of a certain wooden painter, who should have
been West — a certain joker of jokes joked the following joke, to wit : —

" He died and made no sign."

Sign-painting, Sir, has hitherto been regarded as an inferior exercise of
the pencil, and nobody but a shallow jester would say that the elevation
at which signboards are generally suspended entitles them to be con-
sidered works of High Art. But circumstances have arisen under
which any British Artist who has only genius enough might be enabled
to paint signboards which would rival the finest pictures of Michael
Angelo.

Let me, Sir, direct your attention to those large public-houses, the
vast joint-stock hotels. They are inns whose landlords are lords and
dukes and other members of the landed aristocracy. They are kept by
the nobility and gentry. In the fine English of these days they are
called "palatial edifices." Let these palatial public-houses be embel-
lished with signs. As a palace is to an ordinary tavern, so might
the sign of the palatial public-house be to that of a common one ; larger
and more beautiful.

The sign of the huge hotel should of course be executed in fresco, to
stand the weather. The grandest hotels might be adorned with signs
of corresponding grandeur. What if the Langham Piece Hotel were
to be called the Queen's Head ? Why, then, any requisite alteration
having been made in the architecture of the building, its principal
entrance might be surmounted, by way of sign, with the best portrait
of Her Majesty that could be painted by a distinguished R.A. Or,
the sign of the Queen's Head might be a painting commemorative of
postage-reform. In like manner the Alexandra Hotel might have for
its sign a grand historical picture of Her Royal Highness the Princess
of Wales landing in England. Eor that of the Westminster Palace
Hotel no end of subjects might be taken from the History of England
for the last eight hundred years. Suppose the new Richmond Hotel
were named the Cat and Piddle, the Dog and Duck, the Goat and

Compasses, the White Hart, the Blue Boar, or the Bed Lion, its sign
might exhibit a masterpiece of animal painting, executed by a Landseer
or an Ansdell.

A great advantage of sign-painting, practised as a branch of genuine
art, would be the plentiful variety of subject which it would afford the
artist. Eruit and flower painters, even, would thus find scope tor their
specialty in the production of such signs as the Rose and Thistle, or
the Bunch of Grapes.

Altar-pieces are no longer painted, because there is nobody to pay
for them, all the money that is given for pious uses going in church
extension, clergy-multiplication, and other means of supplying spiritual
destitution with spiritual necessaries. Sign-boards for splendid hotels
would supply their places in the world of art, and, generally adopted,
would create an ample and remunerative market for British Artists.
If every great joint-stock hotel displayed a sign that was a first-rate
painting, it would do no more than its proprietary could very well
afford. Rising hotels would encourage rising talent, and redeem this
country from the reproach of being a nation of shareholders engrossed
in trying to get money, and with eating and drinking.

I offer you the foregoing suggestion, Mr. Punch, in the hope that you
will communicate it to the School of Design, and cause the Directors ot
that institution to begin reducing the notion of High Art signboards to
practice, by offering to the competition of British Artists a considerable
sum of money as a prize for the best sign of the Marquis ot Granby.
I love to take mine ease in mine inn, Mr. Punch, albeit I am,

Habitans. in Sicco.

N.B. A good dry Skittle Ground.

Legal Elevation— Singular Case.

Erom Rolls we learn this lesson brief—
A Romilly, with rare luck gifted,

Shows how a lawyer like a leaf
Is by a little rustle lifted.

vol. l.

24

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 20, 1866.

DEEP SEA FISHERIES. — {Reported by our own Commissioners)

The Deep Sea Fisheries' Commissioners present their
compliments to Master Izaak Walton Punch, and, after
the most profound observations, beg to state that they
have arrived at the following conclusions : —

1. That there are as fine fish in the sea as ever came out
of it.

2. That it 's not all fish that comes to the net : animals
having turned up occasionally.

3. That a Dublin Bay haddock is the nearest _ thing,
off-shore, to an English Bay horse, and first cousin to a
Dublin Ba-bee.

4. That there is no Rule for oysters, except one in
Maiden Lane.

5. That female oysters wear beards ; and, as a curious
fact, it is the sign of a bad oyster to be up pearly [in the
morning.

6. That it would not be injurious to the fisheries if any
number of people got their living by hook or by crook.

7. The^weight of fish (weighed in their own scales) that
come in to Billingsgate is thousands of tons : and that
the heaviest fish is one thunnyfish.

8. That the language used at Billingsgate may be fishy,
but is never foul.

9. That the only Scotch fish is a Mac-kerel.

10. That in the Northern seas the men become nuns,
and take the Whale.

11. That Whitebait come annually from the Black Sea.

12. That infant Lobsters amuse themselves by playing
with Dol-phins.

13. That the Commissioners will be happy to dine with
Mr. Punch on any day, or ontany number of days, next
season, at Greenwich, and talk the matter over.

They would also suggest that the employers of fisher-
men should esteem them in the rank of newspaper re-
porters, and pay them by the line. Persons uttering
predictions concerning the fishing prospects of the future
shall be called Net Prophets.

We would also suggest that the Thames, being
thoroughly purified, Masters Fitzroy Kelly, Parting-

ton, and Disraeli should inaugurate the piscatorial
season by a session on the new embankment. Lord
Derry might make admirable use of one of his strongest
lines in Homer; and the! Lord Chancellor could bring
out of his case one of the many rods that he has been
keeping in pickle for a few friends. Mr. Gladstone will
joyfully announce the presence of gold and silver fish in
the tThames, and turning to Mr. Goschen, might
observe to that gentleman —

" Such, fisli, Mr. Goschen,
Are not in the ocean ! "

Which couplet Earl Russell could, if he was catching
no fish, immediately write down, and send them, with his
compliments, to the Bishop oe London, with a joke about
the occasion reminding him of Bishop Fisher : only that
prelate, instead of belonging to London, was attached to the
See of Roachester.

The larger and coarser' Eels we notice, are pious fish, and
meet every Sunday in their own conger-regations. The
service is read by Sar- deans.

The mode now observed iof catching Soles might hence-
forth be distinguished as the Solar system.

Lobsters are fond of Nurserymaids, and are to be caught
in the Metropolitan Parks.

If you want to punish a Crab, give him a good dressing.

Fishermen's morals should receive the attention of
Government : the only oath allowed among them might be
"E'cod!"

In order to prevent sea-poaching, Policemen in diving
bells might be stationed at [different depths throughout
the German Ocean. These officers should be called the
German Band.

We would also suggest, that, in any part of the sea,
ladies might be allowed to fish for compliments.

We beg to sign ourselves,

Jack Sprat.
John Dory.

Sam Mon.

Mdlle. Oyster Patti.

CORRELATIVE THOUGHTS.

If you call your father the Governor, why should you
not speak of your mother as the Matron F If the former
locks you out at night, for a variation you might address
him as the Turnkey.

A book was once written entitled The Night-Side of
Nature. We wish some cheerful author would give us
The Bright-Side of Nature.

The Slough of Despond suggests the state of mind that
man must be in who has to wear the Windsor uniform.
Some Tailors announce that they are practical trousers-

makers. What can
theoretical trousers
be?
Is it not a mistake

to talk_ of people giving themselves airs and graces?
Should it not be airs and furies ?

We hear of demigods, but not demigoddesses ; there
is plenty of hero-worship, but no heroine worship. Yet
though women are called the weaker sex, no one speaks
of men as the stronger.

Do you want tenants for your castles in the air ? Take
the faces in the fire.

We often read of folks being worse for liquor, never
better. The Alliance speakers should work this. Again,
we do things in sober earnest, never in the other con-
dition.

Many fall in love — a few stumble.

" As like as two peas." Why not beans, for a change ?

<5i

"W.

2

M

January 20, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

25

THE.CHACE.

hat stupid tailor,
dear Punch, didn't
send my things home
on the Saturday, so,
when I got down to
Bullfinch Hall, there
I was without any
hunting toggery, and
quite unable to go
out with the hounds
on Monday. Abomi-
nably annoying !
Rede said he didn't
care about hunting
on that day, and if
his things would ,fit
me, I might wear
them. I thanked
him heartily, nothing,
I assured him, would
have given me greater
pleasure, but I
couldn't think of it,
I wouldn't hear of
it, for a moment.
No, I would (dis-
appointment though
it was !) ride quietly
with them to the
meet, and see the
"throw off"; go
with them perhaps a
little way, and then
return home, and
enjoy their account
of the fun in the
evening. Perhaps
my clothes might
come down early on Monday morning. I was, of course, very anxious
that they should ; talked about " what a horrid sell it was " all
breakfast time, and was (evidently) very much annoyed at the delay.

Our horses were at the door for our ride to cover : the chestnut, the
groom said, was a little fresh, and I wasn't to ride him on the curb.
After my stirrups had been adjusted to within a hole of my proper
length (I never can get comfortable all at once on a strange saddle), we
started : that is, my horse started at a stupid ass of a boy, who came
suddenly out of the laurel bushes to see us off : he nearly saw me off.
I mean, that, what with not having ridden for a year, and the saddle
being strange, the hor3e fresh, and added to that, the bad habit I 've
got of sitting in a careless daredevil sort of way on horseback, I wasn't
quite prepared. Besides, I was just going to blow my nose. I said,
poor fellow, and patted him; I know how to manage a restive
horse : always be kind to him. He plunged a little, but I sat firm as a
rock, that is,' after I once got my seat. I still thought my stirrups
were too long, but didn't like to bother about it, as, for the matter
of that, a fellow ought to be able to ride without stirrups at all. The
chestnut reared once ; only once. They asked me if I had pulled the
curb. I said no, indignantly. I put it to them, whether, with my
knowledge of horses, I should have been such a muff as to pull his
rein when he reared. Of course, anyone might do it without knowing
it ; as in fact the groom pointed out to me that I had let the snaffle go
loose and was actually holding the curb. Of course I didn't know it,
having got into, as I've said before, such a dare-devil careless sort
of way of riding. The groom took the curb rein off altogether. I like
one rein better than two, it gives you nothing to think about ; two
reins are an anxiety. The chestnut was the quietest animal possible,
and warming to his work along the country roads went admirably.
A jog-trot is a tiring pace if you haven't ridden fori some time,
my dear P., and we went at this rate for three miles, I should
say. I used to be able to do this sort of thing; but when you're out
of practice you feel as if you wanted a support in your back. We pulled
up at a gate, and Rede asked me if I was getting warm. Ah, wasn't I ? A
charming morning ! delightful exercise ! nothing like it, only we needn't
trot on again just yet, eh P I liked the nag ; went deliriously. Some-
body said he'd take anything I'd put him at. Would he really?
I said ; that was just what I liked in a horse. Give him his head at a
fence, the groom observed, and he vt as safe. I was glad to hear it ; for I
hate not being able to feel confidence in a horse. You don't like trying
anything with an animal that you don't know ; at least, I don't.

There was a large field out ; it was amazingly inspiring. I rode with
them for some little way, merely trotting from one field to another,
from cover to cover ; the gates were all open, and it was as simple as
possible, until they found. I cried Whoop ! Tallyho ! Away ! Yoicks !

all the time. Oh, how I could have flown after them ; I waved my
hat and shouted. It was mad excitement! What wouldn't I have
given to have had on my cords and hunting togs ! I had half a mind
to join in the run merely dressed as I was. But I thought I'd better
not, as 'cross country work knocks clothes to pieces.

The chestnut wanted to get away, and was very restive, but I pulled
him well together (you understand what I mean, my dear P., don't
you ?) and with the help of the groom, and a labourer, got him out of
the field. On my reaching the house I found that my " things " had
arrived.

After a quiet lunch, I took up a book and lay on a sofa in the library.
The morning air and the excitement sent me off fast asleep. The other
fellows came back about seven o'clock. They 'd had a first-rate run.
I envied them : I wished I 'd not been obliged to stop behind. How-
ever, as I told them, my togs had come, and to-morrow 1 hoped we
should have a good day with the hounds.

" No," Rede said, " it's the harriers to-morrow."

I said it didn't matter: it was quieter riding, no jumping perhaps,
but just as much fun, as far as sport went. Somebody replied that I
was right as to the sport ; but the Hemstead harriers went over rather
a nasty country. Another of the party, to whom he appealed, gave his
opinion that it wasn't a nice country, but it wasn't a difficult one : only a
bull-finch or two, and the usual mud ditches. I supposed then that there
would be'' plenty of riding, in fact, nearly as much as with the fox
hounds. Oh more, every one said, much more than with the fox
hounds. That 's capital ! Jolly ! first rate ! I am looking forward to
it, and will write you a full account of my day with the Hemstead
harriers next week. Ah ! what a thing it is to be able to enjoy field
sports hke I do ! Adieu ! j rem&ia> yours for eyer>

Maetin F. Crupper.

THE COUNSELS OE CLAEENDON.

{A Cabitiet Picture, after " Marmion.")

With fruitless labour Russell wound

His cautious way the bush around ;

Gladstone, with unavailing cares,

Exhausted all his winning airs ;

Ever, he said, that, year by year,

The dockyards grow and grow more dear,

And that the House is tired to hear

Reasons by Paget strung,
" Why all those sheer-hulks at Sheerness are lying ;
Why this long-drawn battle of guns with plates vying

So the note 's rung —
" Avoid thee, Rad, and all thy band ! "
Stern Seymour cried, more blunt than bland :
" Oh, think, my Russell, on the line
That Statesmen of thy blood and mine

Have ever ta'en, I wis.
Strange fish in Cabinets have been,
And queerish bed-fellows I've seen,

But never aught like this "

Then swelled the wrath of Gladstone's tail, —
To Whigs and prigs shall Progress quail ?

And " Stanseeld ! " was the cry-
But Clarendon upreared his head,

His cigarette flung by,
With shaking hand, above his head,
He waved the Moniteur outspread,

And shouted, " Mind your eye !
Keep Goschen out ! — no Stanseeld, none ! "
Were the last words of Clarendon.

AN OLIVER POR A ROWLAND.
A Letter in the Times, signed " Q," informs us that : —

" Me. Hancock, the Veterinary Inspector of the Uxbridge district, was acci-
dentally pricked in the back of the hand while examining, on the 3rd of December,
the body of a bullock that had died of the cattle plague. In a few days the slight
wound assumed characters which were recognised by Mr. Rayner, of Uxbridge, as
those of vaccine, and thepatient sufferedall the constitutional symptoms incidental
to vaccination. He was also seen by Professor Spooner, Dr. Quain, Dr. Mde-
chison, and Mr. Ceely, all of whom were impressed with the resemblance of the
results of this infection to those of vaccination.

Vaccination has been proposed as a preventive for the Cattle Disease,
supposed to be small-pox. But the Cattle Disease is obviously much
more likely to be cowpox in an aggravated form. If so, the proper
thing to prevent it will be inoculation. This will be repayment to the
bovine race of vaccination in kind, by the rule^that one good^turn
deserves another. But how about the beef?

26

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 20, 18C6.

This is not the TORTURE Chamber of the INQUISITION, neither is it a REPRESENTATION of the ALARMING Results
of NEGRO EMANCIPATION. It is merely the Turkish Bath in Latherington Street, W.

THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.

Mr. Punch— Sir,

I don't say " Dear Sir," you see ; not that I've any quarrel
with you ia particular, nor any wish to pick one, but you're not a par-
ticular friend of mine, and why should I "dear" you? Depend on it,
Sir, the abuse of that palavering, honeyed style of address now-a-days
is only a sign of the general rottenness of the times. But that 's by the
way. What I want to say to you, Sir, is this. Can't some means be
taken for putting down all this sickening Christmas humbug, which is
swamping us gradually, and which seems to get worse every year? I
don't mean Peace on earth and goodwill to men. That 's quite right
and proper, and orthodox — in the service for the day— of course. But
what I want to know is, how peace on earth is compatible with continual
row and disturbance day and night P Who 's to put up patiently with
those infernal Waits, who wake one up in the small hours, or the ras-
cals who keep a constant rat-tat at one's door asking for Christmas boxes,
or the besotted idiots, on their wav from Goose Clubs, I suppose, who reel
through the streets, bawling " We won't go home till morning," or the
noisy imbeciles of the Christmas dinner-party with their family toasts
and slavering sentiments and three times threeing, or the braying of the
pantomime orchestras, or the still more asinine braying of the idiots who
listen to them? And how is one to keep up one's goodwill to men
under the provocation of that surfeit of turkeys and chines and sirloins,
and that disgusting course of plum-puddings and mince-pies that one's
poor ill-used stomach has to run the gauntlet of at this time of year ?
Why am I to be driven to the alternative of starvation or dyspepsia, if
I go out to dinner at this " festive season " — and be hanged to it ? At
other times of the year one can get something fit to eat at most tables
one sits down to — though one is always liable to a run on saddles of
mutton and boiled fowls— but at Christmas what man, with a proper
respect for his stomach, can accept an invitation without making up
his mind to heartburn, nightmare, and all the other horrors of indiges-
tion ? And why, I should like to know, am I expected at Christmas
time to tip all the dirty-faced impudent chits of children belonging to
such of my acquaintance as have been fools enough to marry, and to go
about loaded with toys, like a Lowther Arcade porter, and to wish

everybody the compliments of the season, which, as far as I can make
out, are bills and chill-blains, and sore throats, and stomach-aches ?

And worse than all, Sir, how is flesh and blood to put up with those
imbecile Christmas numbers — (I am glad to see you don't countenance
such rubbish) — of this and that and the 'tother — all maudlin senti-
mentality and mawkish philanthropy and such like bosh and bunkum,
bound in all manner of flimsy wrappers of the gilt-gingerbread order of
taste ; or the pictures in the illustrated papers of Old Father Christmas,
as a red-faced, tipsy, hoary-headed ruffian, roaring over a punch-bowl,
with an ivy-wreath instead of a Welsh-wig on his idiotic old head, and
staring interiors of cottages, all impossible comfort and unreal family
union, and lying scenes of Christmas festivities, with people really
enjoying themselves, and all the other stereotyped tarradiddles of the
season ?

I wish you would join me and a few other right-minded fellows of my
own kidney — warm men, with good balances at their bankers, and no
wives and families, nor poor relations, nor any incumbrances and
nuisances of that sort — in putting down all this kind of Christmas
infliction, abomination, and hollow mockery, and in making the season
what it ought to be, one of comfort and satisfaction only to those who
can pay their bills, aud of discomfort, repentance, and sackcloth and
ashes generally to those who can't — by far the majority, as far as my
experience goes.

I remain, Mr. Punch, Yours,

Saunders M'Crustison.

Max Muller to Note.

Different nations have different modes of expression. Por in-
stance, in China a Mandarin would never think of saying he did not
care a button about it.

appropriate ornament.

The other day we observed a dress trimmed with artificial bunches
of hops in a draper's window. Of course, the hops were intended for
the ball.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— January 20, 1866.

U)WER AWAY THEREIN
LOWER AWAY

THE OFFICIOUS PASSENGER.

Loud John. "EXCUSE ME, FRIEND BRIGHT, BUT DO YOU COMMAND THIS SHIP, OR DO I?"

January 20, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

29

Imwjj's CaM^-Calk.

309.
It is a great comfort to know— lie has told us the fact— that Iago
suffered awfully from toothache.

310.
The physiology of The Advertising Creature is an inexhaustible study.
Somebody is always printing "Even the most common-place articles are
not beneath the patronage of Her Majesty's Household," and then comes
a puff of some black-lead alleged to be used in the Palaces. The scul-
lions must be proud at being elevated into historical personages.

311.
I have not seen the book, but if it be what I infer from the title,
the idea is new and good. It is an Index to the Characters of Fiction.
This was wanted. I suppose, my dear Brown, we shall find this sort
of thing. Matilda Everingham, a delightful widow in Mr. Brown's
charming tale, The Blue Sash — and you, my dear Jones, will read
that Bonassus Blunderbore is a biting satire in your comedy of The
Chiltern Hundreds— and Bobinson, your favourite creation, Mercy
Whippington, will be referred to as the inimitable stepmother in Rods
in Bickle. Very convenient references, but a large undertaking.

312.
When you go to the theatre in a hired brougham, (which you will
always do if you are wise,) be sure [that the coachman knows who
engaged him, or you may lose dignity in the eyes of the world. Ne-
glecting this precaution the other night, when I took my wife and my
sister-in-law to see my admired Miss Kate Terry, I had the pleasure
of hearing " Mr.Buggins's carriage" bellowed up to the elegant swells.
And my heart told'me that this was my vehicle. Buggins is the excel-
lent party from whom I have vehicles, and the driver knew no better
way of announcing his [arrival.! So half the Olympic theatre thought
that the graceful gentleman with the beautiful ladies, who appeared on
those stairs, was named Buggins. I must go and see Miss Terry
again, as I am always glad to do, and disabuse society.

I 313.

Having a good organ is one thing, and knowing how to sing is
another thing. If certain furious puffing goes on, it will be my duty,
as head musical critic of the world, to enforce this distinction, with an
illustration which at present I omit.

314.

I have been shooting a good deal lately, as_ you have all known to
your advantage. I have come to the conclusion that in a very short
time Gun Cotton will be the only {projecting article used by sensible
sportsmen.

315.

Hans of Iceland has been dramatised, but with a tender hand. Let
it be done in sensation style. There is a most delightful scene where
a hangman hangs his own brother, after a pathetic recognition and
prayers for mercy, and drops him through a trap-door into the sea ?
A double scene, and the splash of the executed brother, would draw the
intelligent British public for a year.

316.
The poems of James Hogg, Ettrick Shepherd, have been too much
neglected both here and in the north. Many are full of fancy, and ten-
derness, many of humour, and he had a fine ear. Of course, a true Scot
cannot tell you that the house is on fire, or that dinner is ready, without
quoting Burns — this is a law of nature — but there is much in James
that is quite equal to much in Robert. I am glad to see a new
edition of Hogg, but it is costly.

317.
Another song-maker wants to wear feathers instead of trousers.
He sighs, " O would I were a Bird ! " With all my heart, only let me
have a gun, and let him come within range.

318.
You chaps who always stick in town, except when you go to^parade
your clothes at Brighton, may not be aware that the Mummers still go
about in some parts. Oliver Cromwell, Old Father Beelzebub,
and Devil Doubt called on me in Oxfordshire just before Christmas,
and made themselves agreeable — more or less.

319.
Spenser's evil brotherhood, Sans-Loy, Sans-Foy, and Sans-Joy would
make excellent interlocutors in a satirical debate on the demerits of the
age.

320.
A doctor's wife showed me a heap of scarfs, obtained by her spouse
in doing his last for various patients. " Scalps," says I. But I would
not have said it, but that I knew she could not understand me.

321.
The most dashing Latin pun that I have heard was made by myself

at the house of another gentleman and scholar yesterday. While we
talked in the parlour, the Visitors' Bell rang loudly. My friend looked
out, so did I. We saw an apparent Swell. " No, by Jove," says my
friend, going out, it 's only a tax-collector. I '11 teach him manners."
He returned, stating that he had blown up the man for ringing the
aristocratic instead of the area bell. Says I, "Your motto is de bell
arey super bos."

322.
"Pay The Debt," saith a great financial authority. Some jeer, some
calculate, some groan. But as sure as you fellows are sitting here, the
nation will one day not only pay it, but proceed to enjoy the splendid
income which will then be left unfettered.

323.
The humbler classes are ahead of Us in regard to the principle and
practice of Association — it's a dry subject— but you'll have to hear
more of it.

324.
There would be another kind of sisht which (if we could see in the
dark) we might behold : from the " Fields near Dover," than that
described by Edgar in Lear.

" Halfway o'er
Stands one who drives the Samphire, dreadful trade !
Methinks he seems resolved to go a-head."

325.
We are solemnly informed that the feeling of the people of America
towards England is one of implacable hostility. Dignus vindice nodus.
I have nearly decided on going over, talking to the American people,
and making them our friends for ever. I would, too, if the Atlantic
would be pacific — but I have an interior.

326.
You have noticed Dr. Cumming's Greek derivation of the word
Church, and'how the] same has been challenged ? I suppose that the
excellent Doctor's own name is not derived from tcv/naiyo)^ turgeo, to foam
with turgidity.

327.
Do you know what speech of Othello's is most often in my mouth ?
It is " O, fool ! fool ! fool ! " Why ? Because I read all the letters of
my correspondents !

328.
The Earl of Roscommon very admirably says,—

" Immodest words admit of no defence,
For want of decency is want of sense."

But it is a curious illustration of the change of taste that I should not
dare to quote, before ladies, his very next two lines, though meant, of
course, to enforce his moral. Pass me those stewed pippins.

329.
I went to see La Famille Benoiton, with which M. Sardott has made
such a hit at the Vaudeville. It is a scorching satire upon the heart-
lessness and worldliness said to prevail in French society. The men
think of nothing but money, the women of nothing but spending it.
Even the children are speculators and roues, there, is a child of seven
who speculates in postage stamps and gets tipsy. There are two fast
young ladies, who dress a dozen times a day, and go to races, one
of them is run away with by her cousin, who wishes to compromise
her character, and so get a rich wife; the other talks slang, but re-
forms for the sake of a lover, who at last says, ungratefully, that he
must consider whether he will have her or not. The mother of the
family is never seen at all — she is always reported as gone out, and
at the end you and her husband and all hope to see her, but she
has only come in for her parasol and is off again. Then there is a
young wife, who has gambled, and whose reputation is saved by a
curious device, which I suppose is satisfactory to the party chiefly con-
cerned. The play is a merciless exposure of Parisian life, and I
presume it must be 'a faithful picture, for the theatre is crammed,
and French audiences know a good play from a bundle of rubbish.

330.
The Pere la Chaise of Dissent, Bunhill Fields, is being talked about.
Curiously, I visited it the other day, before the articles and corre-
spondence appeared, and because I wanted to see the Ultima Thule of
the underground railway. The only remark I have to make is that
some scoundrels have mutilated the recumbent statue of John Bunyan.
Does Lord Shaftesbury know this? It must have been black-
guardism that did it — there is a monument there on which a bit of
savage radical politics is inscribed, which might have tempted the blow
of some savage and very young Tory — but who would desire to injure
BuNYAN's,tomb P Perhaps it was Apollyon himself.

331.
Dr. Isaac Watts is buried in Bunhill Fields. I laid a respectful
hand upon his tomb. Now, is that fact safely lodged out of the
reach of foolish paragraph-makers ? One of the funeral sermons in his
honour was Caleb Ashworth's, who took for text, " Know ye not,
that there is a Prince and a Great Man fallen this day in Israel ? " What
more could be said even of his late Royal Highness the Prince Consort ?

30

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Januaet 20, 1866.

A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.

Br. Smihr. "By the byf, I must Congratulate you, Lady Jane. Of course
you have Heard that your Nephew, George, has just got his first "

Lady Jane. " His — First .' ! ! Gracious Heavens ! I didn't even know the
Boy was Married ! "

Br. Smil&r. " He ! he ! he ! Your Ladyship misunderstands me. I allude
to his recent Success at College."

NUNC EST BIBENDUM.

Hungarian wine, Hungarian wine,

('Twas thus mellifluous Gladstone sung)
Thy hue is bright, thy tone is fine,

And suited to an English tongue.
And if thy names are slightly hard,

They '11 soon be learned by pensive Bull ;
When on each vinous merchant's card,

He reads thy titles clear and full.

The Badasconyer 's good as needs,

'Tis free from acid, white, and dry ;
The Pesther Steinbruch, flowing, pleads

It 's just the thing to wet your eye.
The Szamorodny's dry Tokay,

The Buszfe is a rich white flood ;
And when the Hock pours bright and gay,

It cools the brain and warms the blood.

Bed Adelberger Ofner, thou,

The oftener drunk the more art loved ;
To thee, full Menes, let me bow,

For what I mean is, "much approved."
Erlaure, the man who likes not thee,

Gives me small promise of his wits ;
Now to my lips, my bright, my free,

My proud, my glowing Carlovitz !

More, many more T call to mind,

Which soon shall household words be made,
Now Austria hath her Treaty signed,

And vowed to something like Free Trade.
The House shall know its Leader's choice

When Gladstone's self with Gladstone dines ;
And I will bid you all rejoice,

0 Thirsty Souls ; in Hungary wines.

What Mr. Horsman says it will Come to.

(An old Nursery Rhyme, adapted to Bright's Electoral Riginie.)

Candidate. Who comes here P

Elector. A six-poundere.

Candidate. What 's your price P

Elector. A pot of beer.

Candidate. I object to stand a pot.

Elector. Get you gone, you scaly lot !

People talk about making a clean sweep,
make a sweep clean ?

Can they

A BISING SAINT AT PABIS.

Biographies of Bomish Saints usually contain instances of extra-
ordinary acts of humility performed by those wonderful personages.
But the feat of self-abasement, implied in the following extract from the
Star, beats anything of the kind recorded of any monk, bishop, con-
fessor, martyr, priest, or layman : —

*' The gossip of Paris salons is the new De Mouchy manage. The family colours o
the carriages, liveries, &c, have for centuries been red and gold; however, the
duke has obtained the EMPEKOh's permiMsion to adopt the Imperial green faced with
red ; the only difference insisted on is a black edge. This is considered a strange
act of subserviency on the part of the head of one of the ancieiine noblesse."

The Duke has obtained the Emperor's permission to adopt the
Imperial livery with a difference, discarding that of his ancestors. Of
course, under those circumstances, he could no longer feel comfortable
in a costume such as that usually worn by dukes and other aristocrats.
He must have been sensible of the necessity of attiring himself in a garb
suitable to that servility which he was not ashamed to practise, or
practised although he was ashamed of it all the while. No doubt, then,
he has humbly clothed himself in the Napoleonic green faced with red,
with the diversity of a black edge to distinguish his own cloth from his
master's. He has gone on his knees for the Imperial plush. Plush,
plush, ancienne noblesse ! The Duke de Mouchy has beplushed him-
self. He should now implore one more favour ; leave to change his
family name for that of De la Peluche. Then, to exhibit a perfect
prodigy of humility, he may be pleased to powder his hair, set buckles
in his shoes, and dance attendance during dinner behind the Imperial
chair at the Tuileries. It is certain that there is now an inchoate, if
not a considerably advanced Saint at Paris amongst the ancienne
noblesse of France. The Duke de Mouchy is evidently on the road
to canonisation, where he will probably arrive some 200 years hence,
■when all the Jesuits, and other ecclesiastics, who are now performing

miracles, will be promoted to Saintship by the Pope of the period, if
there is one. Such a Saint might be appropriately invoked under the
name of St. Jeames.

LINES BY A TBOOPEB ORDEBED ON FOREIGN SEBVICE,

Air—" The Stirrup-Cup."

The last Sally Lunn has been browned in the hall,

The last muffin buttered by cook who is sleeping,
My cap and my cane are removed from the wall,

let still a warm hand in my own I am keeping :
My Serseant suspects that I 'm sweet upon Jane,

The Underground 's handy, dear gurl ! we must sever ;
But pour out the ale, that thy trooper may drain

A last glass of beer to his true housemaid ever !

I cannot ride back — for no ticket appears,

No money to get one unless I can borrow,
I pledge thee my word, but do dry up those tears,

Oh, love ! that in stamps I will send it to-morrow ;
Here 's to thee, Jenny, and if it be willed

That back from the Indies thy trooper come never,
Till death he'll remember, that she who had filled

His last glass of beer was his own housemaid ever !

a stock riddle.

Why is the Cattle Plague a sort of colic ?
Because it is a bu-colic complaint.

The Hunterian Oration. — A Speech by a M. F. H.

January 20, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

31

GENUINE SUCCESSES.

In theatrical matters now-a-days there is no such thing as failure.
The public has lost its powers of discrimination and appreciation, and
newspaper criticism is reduced to a mere quarter of a column of printed
words, valuable only on account of the heading to the paragraph which
serves the theatre in lieu of an advertisement. " On such and such a
day," for instance, we read, under the title of the Royal Dash
Theatre, " was produced a new drama, entitled The Son of the Forest.
What could have induced the management to bring such a piece before
the public, we are quite at a loss to imagine. _ Its situations are hack-
neyed, and the interest, such as it is, is sustained only up to the third
act, to be dropped entirely in the fourth and fifth."

Another Newspaper. — ■ The name of the piece produced at this house
last night, is The Son of the Forest. It requires condensation. But
even then we fear that it will not prove an attraction. The dialogue is
dull, and the dramatis persona are on so dead a level as to awaken no
sort of interest in their actions, on the part of the audience. We are
bound to say that the piece was well received by a house densely
crowded in every part."

Another Newspaper.—" It is not often that we have to record a failure
at this admirably-managed theatre. The Son of the Forest, however, we
must candidly own, is not a success. It is certainly the least happy of
Mr. Reshoffay's productions. We must enter our emphatic protest
against the immoral character of the play. We are not squeamish, but
when an author so far goes out of his way as to notice with laudatory
remarks the elopement of his heroine's grandmother with the hero of
his story, we feel that silence is no longer consistent with our duty."

Another Newspaper. — " The Son of the Forest, Mr. Reshoffay's new
(?) drama, was produced here last night. To what a depth of degrada-
tion has our stage fallen ! The actors and actresses did their best with
the most thankless parts, and saved the piece from the condemnation
it richly merited."

After all this out come the advertisements :—

ROYAL DASH THEATRE.— Another Genuine Hit ! A Brilliant
Success ! ! The new Drama, The Son of the Forest, pronounced by the
unanimous voice of the Public Press to be the Greatest Dramatic Triumph ever
witnessed on these or any other boards. Three more Bows of Stalls added. Seats
■can be booked two months in advance.

THE SON OF THE FOREST. The Best Drama of the day. Vide
Public Press.

Now, says Mr. Punch, there 's Humbug somewhere, isn't there ?

" SOMETHING TOO MUCH OF THIS."

Our new and spirited contemporary, the Sunday Gazette, says that it
is very probable that a new decoration will be [instituted. At present
the marks of distinction given to those who exhibit gallantry in the
rescue of life from shipwreck are conferred by private associations only.
It is now likely that a national decoration will i take the place of these
less formal tokens of recognition. It will be given in Her Majesty's
name, and will be in the form of a medal, under the designation of
" The Albert Medal."

Mr. Punch's loyalty has been proved too often for question. Without
the slightest apology, therefore, he proceeds to say what he would have
preferred to leave unsaid, for it is not the part of a true friend to be
silent when he should speak. Mr. Punch has cordially approved every
reasonable effort to preserve the memory of the good Prince whose loss
we all deplored. Statues, in far greater number than ever was accorded
to an English Worthy, have been reared in honour of the lamented
Consort. Though it is now just sixty years since Nelson was laid in
St. Paul's, our great sea-captain's monument is unfinished — we hear
nothing at all of the national monument to our great land-captain,
though it is more than thirteen years since Wellington was laid by
theside of Nelson— but the most splendid and costly of memorials is
rapidly rising, in the Park, in testimony of our veneration for Prince
Albert. When this shall have been completed, will it not be almost
time to leave that good man's fame to take care of itself? Society is
j I at least half inclined to believe that enough has been done in this way,
and it will not be well that society'should begin to smile at persistent
efforts to add tribute to tribute. There is really no fitness in giving the
Prince's name to the medal that is to reward the noblest of sea-service.
The Prince had no kind of connection with or special regard for sea-
achievements, though the irreverent may remark that his own courage
was shown when he voyaged, inasmuch as he notoriously suffered on
such occasions more than any one else on board. Anything like ridicule
should not be permitted to connect itself with an honoured memory.
Surely many far more appropriate names might be suggested — for
instance, an Alfred medal would remind its wearers that a very gallant
young fellow, of royal blood, was [voluntarily and frequently exposing
himself to all the perils of sea-life— but even better titles might be
suggested. Have we no splendid examples of daring in the cause of

humanity— none in the Book of Golden Deeds ? Let us search, and in
the meantime let us avoid what history, in her mildest mood, will call a
mistake.

ANSWERS TO THE SECOND COLUMN".

" 'J ETA ia in great danger." We apprehend that Zeta must just get
t-t out of it the oest way he can. His relations are engaged. Eater is in much
greater danger because of the Rinderpest. Beater has his carpets to whack,
Capper is making caps for the boys returning to school, and Pie has not escaped
the devouring jaws of Christmas. Nobody cares an iota for Zeta, and he had better
keep his troubles to himself.

"A

WELL WISHER." I wish you were down the well.

" TVTR. SMITH. WRITE TO 'ALF. The sun shines." You mean,

J-»-L send the 'alf note. Shan't. The sun always shines, only you can't see it.
Read Pinnock's Astronomy.

« nSMOND 0 ! WIG." Osmond declines to wig. He is proud of his
yJ grey hair, which is elegant if not profuse. Besides, he is a Tory.

"S-

K-

a Creole, is to send her address." Direct West Indies,

care of the Jamaica Commission.

" TNFORMATION WANTED. Frank Walker, who left Raleigh 12
J- years ago, will please send his address. " Information is evidently very much
wanted, as Raleigh died October 29th, 161S, which is more than 12 years ago.

A PRACTICAL CRITIC.

Richard Brinslet Shebidan sometimes got drunk — never drunk
and incapable, for he was always capable of joking. And when he was
picked up helplessly drunk by a watchman, and asked what his name
was, did not the Author of the' Schoolfor Scandal say, " WilberforceP "

What Sheridan used to say was said the other day, virtually by
somebody else, who may not have known that he was committing a
plagiarism as well as taking a liberty. According to a police-report in
the Times at —

" Marylebone.— An eccentric man named Robert Browning was charged with
disorderly conduct."

But what could have induced any mad wag charged with disorderly
conduct to give his name as Robert Browning? That great poet
is neither a teetotaller nor, apparently, a methodist. To give the
name of Lawson or Newman Hall would be more natural for
a tipsy humourist collared by the Police. Some explanation of this
eccentric man's motive for representing himself as the author of
Sordello may be gleaned from the subj oined description of his behaviour : —

" The officer said he saw him on the previous night surrounded by a number of
people. He was on his knees howling like a dog, and scratching at the ground with
his hands. He asked him to get up and go away. He refused to do so, when
he was asked what he meant by such conduct, and his reply was that he was
making the underground railway to Hammersmith, and had got to get it finished by
morning. He was then locked up."

There are, or were, literary dustmen. Why should there not be
literary characters in other equally humble callings ? " The prisoner,"
the report further states, "is a stableman." He may be a literary
stableman, who, though principally concerned with "that 'ere oss,"
yet knows something of that other horse, Pegasus. He has perhaps
read Mr. Browning's poems, and, not having quite understood all of
them, may have taken the opportunity, when he was apprehended for
inexplicable conduct, to express his sense of their occasional obscurity
by calling himself Browning.

TRITE THOUGHTS.

Our American cousins have lately been ascending in a balloon to
solemnise their nuptials, and so got up a sensational scene replete with
airy gracefulness. We presume, after the ceremony, they came down to
earth again, as most lovers do, sooner or later, whatever may have been
their state of elevation. Let this fashion become universal, and with
what eclat a marriage in high life will go off! Beauty's conquestwill
afford delight to a million eyes, as her captive is borne away in a
triumphal basket car. Then a nubile young lady in nubibus will be
such a nice companion picture for a rain beau ; and however much
their views may differ, their friends below may rest assured that they
will be particularly careful not to fall out.

After all is said and sung, some taint of primitive barbarism still clings
to ourlsocial system. Look at Lucy fishing for flattery. What is Edwin
but a hunter with that lover's lasso, a nuptial noose, by which Emma —
the little dear— is caught after a short chase and confined, innocently
pleased, in a ring fence.

Newton theorising in his orchard was satisfied he had law on his
side as he bent over his prostrate pippin, but it would be wrong to con-
clude that no falling body — say that of a bumptious beadle on a slippery
pavement— could disturb his gravity.

32

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 20. 1866.

What happens at our Weekly Meeting, when T. T. exceeds a certain limit.

(He always does.)

Remonstrance is useless, Resistance out op
the question.

But Domestic Happiness on so laroe (and bo rapidly increasing) a scale as T. T.'s is too Sacred for the Gaze of the Multitude.

We Draw the Veil. Farewell for the pkesent to the House of Tit.

by William BrndnurT, of No. 13. Upper Wohurn Place, in ihe Parish of St. Paticma.in the County ofMiddle.ei, and Frederick Mnllett Evans, of No. II. Bouverie Street, in (he Precinct of
tefriars. city of London, Pr nters, at their Offic; in Lombard Street, iu ike l'rec net of Whitefriars, City of Lond.-n, and pjblushed by them at No. 80, Fleet, street, in the Parish of S>t. Bnda, city

Printed

Whitefri

of London.— Saturday, January 2u, 1866

January 27, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

33

HARLEQUIN ALUMINIUM; OR, JACK AND THE PHARAOH'S SERPENT.

HE scientific Clown explodes scientific Locomotive 'with scientific Poker— Scientific
Harlequin dances with scientific Columbine — Scientific ! Pantaloon prepares to be
knocked down by Electricity — Eairies are scientifically suspended by Galvanic
Batteries — Clown lifts scientific Baby out of Mortar, and prepares to let off
Blunderbuss with scientific Gun-cotton — Scientific iron-plated Demons in attendance
— Steam Herald proclaims scientific Steam Tournament— Scientific Pantomime Masks
arise out of Pharaoh's Serpents — Scientific Puns are conveyed by Electric Telegraph
to a scientific Audience — Policeman blown out of a^ scientific "Armstrong" —
Astronomer scientifically shoots the Moon.

COMPANIONS OF.THE BATH.

At the late inquiry held by Mb,. Earnall about the circumstances
attendant on the death of a pauper, supposed to have been hastened by
maladministration, in Bethnal Green Workhouse, the porter, James
Cardwell, was examined on divers matters, and, amongst them,
touching the discipline of the bath as enforced at that place of punish-
ment for poverty. This officer's examination included the question and
answer following : —

" The Commissioner. — This bath has taps for hot and cold water, I know; now
how many people do you usually bathe in the same water 1 About three."

Of course Mr. Earnall was highly disgusted. The honourable gen-
tleman is himself a Companion of the Bath, but if he has ever had
companions in bathing it must have been at the sea-side in the open
waves. The idea of bathing in the limited body of water that afforded
a bath to two other persons was no doubt first presented to his mind
by the statement of Mr. Cardwell, of Bethnal Green "Workhouse.
Unless, indeed, the account of the bath endured by the writer of " A
Night in a Workhouse," and described by him as a quantity of fluid
resembling mutton broth, had previously impressed the Inspector's
mind with the knowledge of a Companionship of the Bath even much
more numerous than that constituted of three persons. The misery of
paupers acquaints them not only with strange bedfellows, but also with
strange Companions of the Bath. There are, it seems, Companions of
the Bath who form a very low order of knighthood. The Order of the
Bath and Washhouse includes no Companions like that of the Work-
house, but neither has it any Commanders. The Commanders of the
Workhouse Bath appear to be the Board of Guardians, and if they
command the Bath that is prepared for three companions, or indeed for
more than one person, they are simply beasts.

The Order of Merit.

The plucky fellow who spent the night in the " casual " shed deserves
what he immediately got — the Bath. When he passed out of the gates
in the morning, his thoughts must have involuntarily turned to Milton's
Paradise Regained.

Sir,

A ROMANCE OF COLNEY HATCH.
{To Mr. Punch.)

In an interesting memoir on "The Insane,"

given by the

Times, you are informed that —

" Some years ago there were in Colney Hatch a young man and a young woman
who 'made each other's acquaintance at one of the monthly balls given for the
amusement of the inmates. Mad though they were, they earriedon an innocent
courtship, and, despite the vigilance of the officials, managed a written correspon-
dence. Both recovered, and, after their discharge, having renewed their courtship,
married happily."

The conduct of [these persons whilst they were mad does not appear
to have differed from that which they pursued when they were supposed
to have regained their senses. How common it is for young people,
imagined to be sane, to fall in love with one another simply in conse-
quence of making each other's acquaintance at a ball! And then a
written correspondence generally ensues, despite the vigilance of parents
and guardians. Perhaps it is discovered and put a stop to for a time,
after which they renew their courtship, and at last are married— how
often happily? Not always, Sir, if ever- rand there, in comparison
with the world in general, I suspect the advantage is at present on the
side of Colney Hatch. Ah, Mr. Punch ! In one respect most men
seem to be mad whether in or out of a lunatic asylum, and most women
appear equally mad to your ancient

Abdera Corner. __^ Democritus.

Great Virtue in an " If."

General O'Mahony, the ex-Head Centre, declares that "If the
Senate Eaction had not tied his hands, he would, before now, have had
an Irish Army on Irish soil, fighting for their independence, and an Irish
fleet sweeping English commerce from the ocean." Suppose we put
another "if?" If General Mahony had attempted anything of the
kind, he and his deluded dupes would before now have been picking
oakum in Kilmainham gaol, or supping skilley in Dartmoor prison.

The worst Possible Name por an Author.— Dr. Dozy.

vol. L.

34

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[January 27, 1866,

THE CHACE.

^^ y PLENDID

sport !

weather ! Glorious
Dear Punch. No-
thing happened to prevent
my going out with the
hounds, and so I went.
Tom Rede mounted me on
his bay, and when I had
got my stirrups to their
proper length,il was ready
to cry "Tally-ho!" You
know I am never so much
at home as when iu the
saddle. Well, Sir, " we met,
'twas iu a crowd," at Hox-
ley Gorse, and the hounds
(they weren't harriers, after
all) went to work, in no
time, with a low whimper,
that gladdened the heart
of every true sportsman.
With nervous anxiety (I
am always dreadfully ex-
cited in the hunting-field),
I waited for the finding of
sly Reynolds. Often as I
have been out with the
hounds, I have never yet
seen a fox ; it has always
happened that they haven't found, or if they found I was in another
field, or they didn't kill, or if they did kill it was done before
I came up; but this time, however, I was in luck. Old Slyboots
(that's what we sportsmen call the fox) broke cover just by me.
I didn't exactly know what to do. I hardly liked to cry out, " Hi !
here 's the fox ! " in case anybody might have been angry, and sworn
at me ; and because such conduct might have appeared presump-
tuous in a visitor. Again, if it hadn't been the fox, I should have
looked like a fool. I wouldn't cut at him with my whip, as I don't
think that 's fair, or sportsmanlike ; so I said nothing about it. Pre-
sently the hounds got wind of him, and away we all went, gallantly,
into the next field. I was just stoppingto ask a gentleman if we were
in full cry, when everybody set off galloping. I sat myself firmly down
iu the pig-skin, fixed my hat securely on my head, and followed the
lead. At the end of the first field there was a high thick hedge, which
we all rode at bravely. Three men in pink went through it, and I was
about to follow their example, when the thought struck me, " Will
Rede's horse do this ? " That 's the worst of riding a friend's horse :
you 're not certain of him ; so I turned him a little to the right, and
crying, " Yoicks ! tally-ho ! " away we dashed through the open.
" Wow," said I to myself, "I'll ride straight, and take my own fine."
The whole field was streaming away towards a ditch with mud banks
on either side. I streamed away with them. This sort of thing wanted
a peculiar horse, and I did not feel myself justified in taking my
friend's bay at such a place ; so, saving my horse as much as possible,
with one cut on his flanks, and crying " Over ! " I took him over a
small sheep bridge.

The hounds were only a field or two ahead, and there was a burning
scent, as strong as a pastille. " Now for a burst ! " I cried ; and lifting
my horse over the heavy ground, I urged him forward. There was a
magnificent flight of hurdles on the left ; I own they were very alluring,
but I was determined that nothing should take me out of my straight
line, so I kept on. My plucky animal answered> the spur, which I had
not used till now, and took the next gate in her stride. I was
immensely pleased with her : we should have had a rare leap if it had
been shut. Here we came up with the hounds, who were " at fault."
We fouad again, and had another burst. Rede told me the mare would
take anything. I was delighted to hear this, only I wish I 'd known it
before, as I'd missed several good things on her account. Now,
however, I'decided.that nothing should stop me : and nothing did.

In this meadow was a post and rails ; I selected my spot, and firmly
griping my saddle with both knees, I made for it. A stupid idiot of
a countryman officiously removed the rails, which were only bars of
wood loosely fixed on at each end, and I was obliged to walk
through ; however, I wouldn't give him sixpence. The pace was
telling on the mare, and when we came to the brook, she was con-
siderably pumped. I rode her at it very cautiously, but she refused,
I then walked her up to it, but she refused again ; thinking that, on the
whole, Rede would be better pleased if I didn't push her too hard, I
rode for the gate at the side of the field ; she would have leapt over
this like a kitten, but there was the hard stony road on the other side,
which would have shaken her severely. I managed to open it with my
hunting crop, but the delay had thrown me out ; and though I galloped
for two hours more along the roads, in and out of fields, stopping to
listen for the horn, or to get information from any countryman, I was

unable to come up with the pack again. Riding homewards, I tried the
mare at several little places by way of " larking," as we say ; but a mare
won't do anything in cold blood. On my return, I told Rede that I
didn't think it a very difficult country (they all said it was), and that
his mare had carried me admirably. My advice to all young sportsmen
is, stick to your own line, save your horse, and ride straight.
I remain, my dear Mr. Punch,

Yours for ever, Tallyho !

Martin P. Crupper.

THE PLEASANTEST OP THE WORKHOUSES.
An Old Woman's Experience.

[" He had gone among the men, and they said that they were perfectly comfort-
able, as did also the women, in fact one woman, who had been the round of all the
workhouses, said she liked to visit Lambeth because it was the most pleasant of
them all."— Mr. Rhodes in Lambeth Vestry on " A Night in a Workhouse."]

Prom Union to Union oft over all London,

I 've wandered, and workus with workus compared,
And which I have always found things well at one done,

At others nor that owsomedever I fared.
Prom Poplar to Fulham I've all the way trudged it,

Por wot I sez is by experence you learns.
Each one in its turn avin' tried it and judged it,

I arter all fondly to Lambeth returns.

'Tis there they allows yer the stiffest of skilley.

The warmest and thinnest appearance of broth
The water is there for your bath willy-nilly.

Your rug is the thickest and laist fousty cloth.
Your toke there's a little more 'azy to s waller

Than anywheres else are a hunk o' dry bread ;
And they gi's yer most ay for to lie in and waller

At Lambeth, when you got to sleep in the shed.

The winter winds elsewhere owls summut more wilder,

And causes wuss draughts to come iu through the chinks.
The coughs and colds likewise at Lambeth is milder,

And so is the cussin and swearin, I thinks.
So wen the last drop is sucked out o' the bottle,

And I harn't a copper to buy no more gin,
And got nuffin left for to misen my throttle,

I goes back to Lambeth and there gets took in.

EXPENSIVE BRUTALITY OP A RAILWAY COMPANY.

It is evident that the Directors of the Great Western Railway are
men of principle. In a letter written to the Times by " Oxoniensis,"
it is stated that " Cripley-meadow (18 acres) is at this moment covered
with two feet of water." Yet those gentlemen persist in their intention
to establish their factory there. " Oxoniensis " further says of Cripley-
meadow, that " to make it available, by raising it three feet, for building
their carriage-works, will cost them at least £10,000." The considera-
tions, therefore, which have determined them to build those works in
that place, are not pecuniary. Their object is to assert the superiority
of material interests to those of spirituality and intelligence. They are
resolved upon demonstrating that point by the deliberate and contume-
lious desecration of Oxford. The repose and beauty of that venerable
seat of learning they have made up their minds to destroy, though it
cost them £10,000 at least. They mean to perpetrate this outrage on
refined sentiment in defiance of the educated mind of England. But in
thus acting they are prompted by sentiment themselves, only by senti-
ment of an opposite nature. Do the shareholders share this sentiment ?
They will share in the expense of its gratification. Are they also willing
to lose cash simply for the sake of indulging a snobbish antipathy ! As
far as they are concerned, might not the parties who propose to lay out
£10,000 to make a swamp fit for building purposes when they might
save that sum by buying fit land elsewhere, as well take the opportu-
nity afforded them by Cripley-meadow, now that it is under water, to
play at ducks and drakes with the money ?

Sensible Magistrate.

Mr. Dayman advised the S. W. Railway Company to provide
Smoking Carriages for their passengers. Let all Railway Companies
take the hint ; and also provide Lights for all the carriages.

BY THE P. AND O. MAIL.

Monday, the 25 th of December, 1865, is, we regret to say, no more.
Christmas Day fell upon it, and after twenty-four hours, poor Monday
expired at midnight.

January 27, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

35

fjrmx&'a CaMe-Calk.

332.
People bother me to know why Punch, dated Saturday, is published
on Wednesday. What the deuce is it to anybody ? There are good
and sufficient business 'reasons. Suppose I say that I come out on
Wednesday because Punch chooses to be beforehand with Jtudi.

333.

Me. Sala, in a very delightful letter to the Daily Telegraph about
Amsterdam, describes the apparition of Saint Nikolaas, at Christmas,
with presents for the good children, and birch rods for the naughty
ones. He says that in New York similar presents are brought, but no
rods, for " in the United States children are never supposed to be
naughty." The Americans were Bbitannia's naughty children, and as
they found that her rod did not make them obedient, they learned to
laugh at Solomon.

334.

Rule Britannia, written, as you all know, by Jemmy Thomson, in
the Mask of Alfred, is seldom sung, I think, though one hears the tune
sometimes. But there is a mercantile sort of verse which is forgotten,
but which in these days of free trade, treaties, and the like, should be
revived —

" To thee belongs the rural reign,

Thy Cities shall with Commerce shine ;
All thine shall be the Subject Main,
And Every Shore it circles thine."

335.
I civilly said, "as you all know," though I am blessed if I believe
that any of you know anything about it, but I have read my Pope : —

" Men should be taught as though you taught them not,
And things unknown proposed as things forgot."

336.
Many of the shop-signs in Vienna are capitally imagined and brilliantly
painted pictures. We have not much of that sort of thing in London,
but I saw, the other day, on the side of a miller's covered cart, a large
and showy painting of Pharaoh on his throne, and Joseph, with two
handfuls of wheat, interpreting the King's dream.

337.
Something in Quevedo amused me, and may amuse the negrophiles.
In his sixth vision, the Don, being Below, sees a merchant whom he
had known on earth, and who [is roaring. Quevedo amiably taunts
him, and asks him whether he had not better have been contented with
a little, honestly got, than have ruined his soul for a large estate.
Illustrating his idea of honesty, the Don adds, " Had you not better
have traded in Blacks than in Christians ? "

338.
In another vision he 'sees the Daemon of Tobacco. " I have," said
that devil, " by bringing this Weed into Spain, avenged the Indians for
all the Spanish butcheries. Any death is better than for a man to
snivel and sneeze himself away, or go off in a meagrim or a spotted
fever, which is the ordinary effect of this poisonous weed. It is with
tobacco-takers as with' demoniacs under exorcism, they fume and
vapour, but the Devil sticks to them still." Pass me the cigar-box,
please.

339.
One day last winter I lent a man some money, and he gave me his
cheque, dated a fortnight in advance. A day or: two before it should
have gone in, he came to me and said, " Old fellow, I wish you 'd keep
back that cheque till I give the word Present." "If you like, I'll
make the word Fire," said I, suiting the action to the phrase. Need-
less to say that he still owes me the money, so 1 hereby remind him of
my epigrammatic generosity.

340.
Touching generosity, if a man simply asks you to be his surety, he
will probably pay. If he makes you a solemn speech of thanks, saying
that he is your debtor for ever, he most likely speaks the truth. But
if he writes you a touching letter, swearing that he will have his right
hand burned„off before you shall be hurt, you had better lay aside the
money at once, as you are sure to be let in.

341.
Another specimen of clerical begging. A new Something is wanted
in the poor parish, and a lady has promised to aid the object by buying
any good autographs that may be collected. Your autograph is asked.
And a card is inclosed, for your signature, opposite to which you find
three columns ruled for figures — you could not send your name without
some little subscription. Well, well.

342.

A talented young Artillery officer writes to me to say that he was

laying his gun at Oldshoeburyness the other day, when a sergeant

hurried up to tell him that the barometer had fallen half an inch.

Thanking the man for the information, my friend proceeded with]; his

work, when a sergeant-major came up, and said, " Sir, you ought to
make allowance for the barometric pressure, and I beg your pardon.
Sir, but I don't think you've allowed for the rotation of the earth."
He adds that the new pattern sights allow for both. If I were vulgar,
there is a new pattern sight which I would take at him.

343.
Pliny speaks of some Indians, whom he calls Monosceli. They had
only one leg, but so large a foot as to shelter their whole body from the
heat of the sun. The description does not convey pleasant ideas of
their social life and habits.

344.
But, odd as these Indians were, they were not so odd as the image
which the poet in the Rolliad offers of an Indian minister, Lord
Sydney : —

" O had by nature but proportioned been
His strength of genius to his length of chin,
His mighty mind in some prodigious plan
At once with ease hud readied to Indostan."

Who said " to China," and muttered " Chin-chin ? " Sir, I am
ashamed of your levity.

345.

" Grimm," says Professor Max Muller, "inclined to the opinion
that the word Church is derived from Circus." I think that many of
our clergy are of the same opinion, for they are always arguing in a
circle.

346.

Gallantry in saving lives, in shipwrecks, is to be rewarded, I read,
with a national medal. It will be called the Seawater-loo Medal.

347.
St. Cupid will do penance this year of grace, 1866, if saints do works
of supererogation. Valentine's day is Ash- Wednesday.

348.
I hope that you have all been to Kensington, where you can see the
Seven Cartoons, for the first time. Who [knows the subjects of the
three lost ones ? They are the Stoning of Stephen, Paul's Conversion,
and Paul in prison at Philippi. There is a legend of an eleventh, the
Coronation of the Virgin, also lost.

349.
Some fiddler advertises himself in the Musical World as " Paganini
Bedividus." One would not notice his blunder but for his cheek.

350.

My friend the Emperor knows — but do you know ? — that Louis is
the same name as Clovis. The Celtic chl became the aspirated con-
sonant hi.

351.

Mr. Planche. _ I am addressing you, Sir. I am very much obliged
to you for returning to the stage — Planche redux. Your Haymarket
piece, Orpheus, delighted me much, and you have exhibited all your
famed skill in dealing with music. I seldom quote Bacon & Shaks-
peare, but in their play, Love's Labour's Lost, 1 find so apt a description
of your style that I shall cite it with my own readings. You are " sharp
and sententious, pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation,
audacious without impudency, learned without pedantry, and daring
without profanity." I drink your health, and your family's, and may
they always catch sunbeams in their traps.

352.
Furthermore, Miss Nelly Mooke may, sine mora, take a very high
place if she pleases. Among other good gifts, she hath a lady's voice.

353.
My dear fellow, I will not ask a Manager for a box for you. Rich
you are, and pay you should. He that does a base thing in zeal for his
friend burns the golden thread that ties their hearts together, and it is
no longer a friendship but a conspiracy. So says the noble Bishop
Taylor, and you would not have me go against a bishop ?

354.
It is 'held by all authorities that there is nothing foppish and effemi-
nate in taking particular care of your beard and moustachio. I like to
see the'latter elegantly waxed— waxing it by no means implies that your
way of life

" Has fallen into the eire and yellow leaf."
355.

Cowper's last biographer maintains that the poet was not rendered
insane by his religion, but that on the contrary his ill-ballasted mind
received a wholesome impulse from spiritual blasts. The amiable bard
could not be angry at this, if he could hear it, for he says —

" A moral, sensible, and well-bred man
Will not insult me — and no other can."

356.
Bacon and I could safely declare All knowledge to be our Province.
But smaller men, endeavouring to be cosmical, are apt to be comical.

36

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 27, 1866.

ARCTIC TRAVELLERS CUTTING THEIR WAY THROUGH A SNOW-DRIFT.

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OP EXPEDITION RECONNOITRING FRIENDLY NATIVE SETTLEMENT WITH A GLASS, IN HOPES OF OBTAINING

ASSISTANCE. (Lat. 51° 36' N. ; long. 0° 10' W.— Jan. \lth, 1866, 715 a.m.)

THE POUNDING OF PORT-HAYTIEN.

{A Fo'lcsle Ballad by a Bull-dog.)

Of Bull-dog's game we 've heered the fame, in the Bull-rings of old,
How though you cut their paws off, they still would keep their hold ;
And the British bull-dog breed 's the same afloat as 'tis ashore,
Though the bull-ring ain't now the thing, and bull-baits is no more.

The twenty-third of October, at Port-Haytien we lay,
When Captain Wake says, " Pipe all hands, the anchor for to weigh ;
We '11 just put out, and cruize about, at the targets try a round,
'Tain't Bull-dog's sort to lie in port till on beef-bones aground."

As we cleared the bight, we saw a sight set up the Captain's back,
Three craft o' Salnave's chasin' one as flew the Union Jack.
" Pire a blank gun to leeward," says Captain Wake, says he,
" What 's overhauled under that flag, is overhauled by me."

Says Captain Wake, "Blacks will be blacks, you can't make 'em true

blue;
Geffrard calls kissetf president, and so does Salnave too.
They may cut each other's throats, and welcome too," says he ;
" But they must respect the British flag, ashore or on the sea."

The blacks was riled, but drew it mild, for Captain Wake they knew,
They saw the Bulldog had got teeth, and meant to use 'em too :
So we overhauled that British craft, and we convoyed her in ;
The blacks they d— d us up in heaps, but we didn't care a pin.

Insulting the Queen's uniform, warning our boats from land,
Threatening to cut the Captain's throat, was 'ard enough to stand ;
Till it came to taking prisoners from beneath our Consul's flag —
Then, says Wake, says he, '\This must not be— I must take down your
brag!"

Then Salnave's fleet and forts ran up the red flag to the fore,
And trained each gun till dead upon the Bull-dog's bows it bore :

Long Tom, ten-inch, four thirty-twos— there in Cape Haytien Bay,
No bark, all bite, decks cleared for fight, the little Bull-dog lay.

We warned the town, for we knew our fire would hot and harmful be :

Took aboard some British subjects as swam under our lee :

Then up steam for Port Acul, put our passengers ashore,

Lay there that night, and with the day back to Cape Haytien bore.

The Voldrogue and three schooners lay on our starboard bow,
On our lee, besides Port Picolet, shore-batteries enow :
Says Wake, " I 'm loth to harm a town, that 's done no harm to me,
liay guns the best that gunners can, shot and shell will make free !

" And why waste shot ? With all we've got we '11 have enough to do,
A silencing Port Picolet, and them shore batteries too.
We 've soundings here six fathom clear, as from my charts I learn,
We draws fourteen-ten by the stem, and fourteen by the stern.

" Stand by the engines, Engineers, give her a head of steam,
Steer, coxswain, at, the Voldrogue, aim straight at her port beam.
And when she strikes, back engines, clear of the wreck to slue,
And then stand by, to lower the boats and save the floating crew.

" Go half-steam past Port Picolet, give it 'em hot and hot,
And if they give the same they get, and I should catch a shot,
Here 's Way, my Pirst Lieutenant, has his epaulettes to win ;
He knows the chart, he '11 con you out, as I have conned you in."

We took shot, grape, and rifle-balls at half-speed and short range ;
Our ship was hulled, our men went down, but we gave 'em back their

change :
" By the mark, six ! " the leadsman sung, .but, afore another cast,
'Twas shoal-water at two fathom, and the ship stuck hard and fast.

As far aft as the main rigging we lay in shells and sand,

For the Voldrogue, artful varmint, had shifted near the land :

'Twas " Start tanks, blow out fore-boilers, port-guns aft, get on the strain,

Back engines, lay stream-cable out astarn ! " but all in vain.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI— January 27, 1866.

ADMIRAL PUNCH DOES JUSTICE TO CAPTAIN WAKE.

"AND HERE'S THREE CHEERS FOR CAPTAIN WAKE, AND WHILE WE SAIL THE SEA.,
MAY BRITISH BULL-DOGS ALWAYS FIND CAPTAINS AS STOUT AS HE,
THAT 'S ALL FOR BITING WHEN THEY BITE, AND NONE FOR BARK AND BRAG,
AND THINKS LESS ABOUT COURT-MARTIALS THAN THE HONOUR OF THE FLAG!"

January 27, 1866.]

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

39

There we lay for to be peppered — Lord, how the darkies cheered !
For they saw we couldn't float her, and they thought that we was

queered.
" I know a game worth two o' that," says Captain Wake, says he.
"How Bull-dogs bite, when they can't budge, we'll let these niggers

see."

A shell apiece from our Long Tom, and down they went like stones,
The Voldrogue and her consorts, to the claws o' Davy Jones.
" Now shut up them land-lubbers, their big guns and their small,"
And hot and hot we sarved it out, till the night began to fall.

We 'd three hours' ammunition left, our crew was spent beside,
We 'd done our best to get her off— no more was to be tried :
" Afore I leave the Bull-dog, their trophy for to be,"
Says Captain Wake, " I '11 sink her to the bottom of the sea."

The Master and Lieutenants for their counsel was called on,
He argufied it out with 'em, they agreed with him nem. con. ;
We 'd powder left to blow her up, though we 'd not enough to fight,
So the gunner laid his fuses, and we put off in the night.

We 'd not pulled off a cable's length, when there came a sudden glare,
And then a roar, and when next we looked, the deuce a ship was there ;
And we said, " God bless the old Bull-dog!" and we swallowed down

our tears.
And by way of funeral sarvice we guv the old ship three cheers !

And here 's three cheers for Captain Wake, and while we sail the

sea,
May British Bull-dogs always find Captains as stout as he,
That 's all for biting when they bite, and none for bark and brag,
And thinks less about Court-martials.than the honour of the flag !

THE THEATRES.

I have, in the popular character of a Theatrical Casual, been to more
theatres ; and the Christmas month is over. The compositions of
M. Offenbach are at a premium, and the extracts from his Ching-
chow-hi (so charmingly done at Mb,. Gebman Reed's last year) suit no
place better than Covent Garden, with its exhibition of old and young
China. But, oh ! Mr. Punch ! those Paynes.! What inimitable pan-
tomimists ! Payne, the sire, does the Magician, and to'see him emptying
the contents of the cruets into his drink, and turning his Slave Kassarac
round with his back to the pie because he has got a sneezing fit, is
worth the price of the front row of stalls any night of the week.
The comic business, generally so dull, is excellent ; there being in it
some genuine fun. As a rule, how conventional and unimaginative are
these pantomimic artists. They have eight months to prepare, and are
obliged in the end to betake themselves to the most venerable practical
jokes, and the most pointless kind of fun. Why, a walk through the
principal thoroughfares, will give fyou1 a heartier laugh, an you be a
philosopher of Master Motley's school, than the scenes provided by
these jesters after the cogitation of months. A little lady from
Brighton, Miss Rachel Sanger, plays Aladdin capitally.

In. a cab tandem,:with mischievous boy performing a daring act of
horsemanship on the leader, (it was alter that great snow-storm,) I
visited the City of London Theatre, the Standard, and the Victoria.
Like the Captain of the gallant Thunderbomb, we, that is friends and
self, " werry much applauded what they 'd done " to please the public ;
the Vic. being particularly good. But, on the whole, Astley's is the
best for children ; while the transformation scene is certainly the most
effective in London.

As for Society at the Prince of Wales's, I am in a small minority : it
disappointed me. It is sketchy and crude. The lover has an excellent
opportunity for a bit of real acting afforded him, which he loses by such
utterly farcical by-play with his watch as may make the thought-
less, indeed, laugh, but the judicious grieve. Miss Wilton is
charming. The situation where everyone borrows five shillings from
every one else, evinces want of careful stage management. How
comes it that the Stage Manager allows Lord Ptarmigan's page to
pick up the meerschaum pipe with the sugar-tongs, and walk off as
though he were a marionette on wires ? To be honourably mentioned
is Mb. Montgomery, as an Irishman on the Press. To be eulogised,
sky high, is Mb. Habe, who plays Lord Ptarmigan, a frigid, sleepy
member of the Hare-istocracy. Mr. Hare having completely identified
himself with this character, I was sorry to see him afterwards playing
Zerlina in the burlesque of Don Giovanni, which is one of the lightest,
most .sparkling, and merriest of Mr. Byron's productions.

Mr. Feank Matthews, as Clown, amuses the St. James's audience,
but I 'd rather see a pantomime, thank you.

Rip Van Winkle keeps the Adelphi full, and the folks thoroughly wide
awake ; the scene where Mr. Jefferson goes to sleep, ought to be
laid- in the Land of Nod, with views of yawning chasms ; but it isn't.

The Master of Ravenswood is a remarkable play for several reasons :

first, because Miss Carlotta Leclercq only pouts twice and cries
once ; secondly, because Mb. Vezin plays without scowling ; thirdly,
because Caleb Balderstone occasionally appears to be in danger of
running into the Irish brogue ; and fourthly, because of the last scene,
at which I shall go to have another look.

Never Too Late to Mend does excellently" well without a' Christmas
attraction, and the Strand, with its capitally acted L' Jfricaine, or the
Queen of the Cannibal Islands, is nightly crowded. I have not seen
Nelly's Trials. Mb. Brougham is its author, and Mb. Bbougham
has gone, some time since, to America. What an ovation of thanks he
will receive from a Drama-loving public on his return. Never let it be
forgotten that it is to his genius we owe Caught in the Toils and The
Child of the Sun.

There is another Extravaganza in town, which a young slangy friend
of mine told me was " pickles." I did not clearly understand his
meaning, but my curiosity has been excited.

Henry \ Dunbar occupies every seat in the Olympic, and is, on the
whole, the best played piece in town.

The public may be a Hass, but it recognises good acting, and applauds
with a will Rip Van Winkle, Lord Ptarmigan, Hayston of Bucklaw,
Jacky, and Henry Dunbar & Co. The festive season has nigh passed
away: farewell to plum pudding, farewell to turkey, roast beef, twelfth
cake, and to Mr. Clown's red-hot poker. I am weary. I will soothe
myself with a song from Me. Maccabe, or I will hie me to Exeter Hall
for Judas Maccabceus. Adieu.

DE ASINIS NIL NISI BONUM.

" Mr. Gbimwadb (good name in the circumstances) called attention to the
disgraceful state of the City during the late snow, and asked whether any thing
would be done to prevent the citizens from having to wade through similar -filth in
future.

"Mr. Deputy Bone said that if Mr. Grimwade would inform the Commis-
sioners when another storm would take place (ofi ! and laughter,) preparations
would be made." — Common Council, Jan. 19.

Mr. Deputy Bone, Mr. Deputy Bone,
Till we read your address, Sir, your name was unknown ;
But the fact through the trumpet of Fame shall be blown,
That a very great creature is Deputy Bone.

So clever, so witty. When London should blush
For her streets ancle-deep in filth, snowbroth, and slush,
And complaint is addressed to her Government's ear,
The answer is Bone's idiotical jeer.

For this, you Bonassus, next time we have snow,
Down, bang, let us hope, in foul mud you will go :
And rising, bedaubed, mid the laughter of men,
Let us see if you look like a Funny Bone then.

And to make it more pleasant, just then may'you view
Some great civic Don who demands your ko-too ;
And who '11 say, as you bob with a grin and a groan,
" Why, you look like a mud-lark, you Deputy Bone."

When Samson the Strong made a rush on his foes,
We know whence he snatched up the weapon he chose :
Had the scene been the City, all parties must own,
He'd have found what he wanted in Deputy Bone.

OPERA FOR THE MEANEST CAPACITY.

The Correspondent of the Morning Post in Paris, writing about the
Italian Opera there, says : —

" The Manager has found it necessary to raise the price of admission on the
Patti nights, as that popular artiste demands no less than 3000 francs, or £120, for
each representation. It seems to be the policy of M. Bagier, the Manager, to pay
the most extravagant prices to a few of the more rare singing birds, while the
utmost economy is practised in the general production of an opera as regards sub-
ordinate singers, chorus, and mise en scene. This mode of conducting the Italian.
Opera at Paris is a subject of some discussion in society and the Parisian Press."

There is, however, not much to be said about it. The first con-
sideration of every Manager is to make all the money he can. He
must, therefore, pay just as much as is necessary, and as little as is
sufficient, for that purpose. If his patrons care only for the voices of a
few principal singers in an opera, he has to provide them with the
voices at any price that will remunerate himself, and to 'get the rest of
the music done at as cheap a rate as will not render it too bad even for
them. His audience consists of persons who are sensitive to quality of
a Path's voice, but obtuse to the meaning of a Mozart's music. The
development of their ears is very great, and that of their mental
faculties is very small. It is not the fault but the misfortune of a
Manager, whether in London or Paris, that he is under the necessity of
pandering to asinine perceptions.

40

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Januaby 27, 186G.

A POSER.

Mr. Brown. " That Wine, Sir, has been in my Cellar Four-and-Twenty
Years come last Christmas ! Four — and — Twenty — Years— Sir!"

Mr. Green (desperately anxious to please). " Has it really, Sir ? What must

IT HAVE BEEN WHEN IT WAS NEW?"

HOW BIBER WENT DOWN TO THE REGIONS
BELOW.

At the 'meeting for promoting Reform in Convocation
(much wanted— the reform, that is) the Rev. Dr. Biber,
Vicar of Roehampton, " had no hesitation in saying that,
if Convocation had been sitting, the Divorce Act, which had
flooded the land with immorality, would never have been
passed." — Times' Report. \

Punch, the jester and the giber,
Thus remarks to Doctor'.Biber : —
If a room is very dirty,
'Tis a prudent practice, eerie,
Not to suffer sun'or candle
To intrude and show the scandal.
So black beetles, mice, and vermin,
^ Doubtless would, if asked, determine':
But a tidy housewife mutters
" Sluts ! "—and flings back doors and shutters,
And the sight of floor and rafter
Promises'a clean hereafter.
She 's the Act our priest abuses,
Who with cause effect confuses,
Till a wit might found a farce on
Muddle like this talk of parson.
Now, as our good-natured nation
Simply laughs at Convocation,
And regards its grunts and grumbles
As the utterances of Bumbles,
Punch, the jester and the giber,
Blandly bonnets bungling Biber.

ENFORCE RESPONSIBILITY.

Captain Wake, late of H. M. S. Bull-dog, was called
upon to defend the honour of the British flag. He did so,
gallantly, skilfully, and successfully. But, in so doing, he
met with an accident which nothing but clairvoyance would
have enabled him to avoid ; he ran aground and had to blow
up his ship. •Therefore a Court Martial has adjudged him
to be dismissed the ship which no longer exists. It is a
pity that this part of the sentence cannot well be inflicted.
He was also adjudged to be severely reprimanded. This is
as it should be. The example thus made will encourage
other officers, circumstanced as Captain Wake was, to
incur responsibility as readily as he did.

A PAST TO BRING DOWN BUTCHERS' MEAT.

A Deputation, headed by the Archbishop oe Canterbury, waited
yesterday on Sir George Grey at the Home Office, for the purpose of
requesting the Right Hon. Baronet to recommend Her Most Gracious
Majesty to issue an Order in Council appointing a General Past Day
on account of the high price of butchers' meat.

His Grace, the Archbishop, having stated the object of the deputa-
tion,

Sir George Grey replied, that whatever might be thought of the
propriety or utility of proclaiming a fast on the occasion of some
calamities, there could be no doubt that the price of butchers' meat was
an evil for which fasting would be a very appropriate remedy, and
would indeed prove an effectual cure, if persevered in long enough.
The effect of a single fast day, however, would be small unless miracu-
lous, even though it should be strictly observed. But did not the
observance of a fast day, by the bulk of the community, consist chiefly
in going to the Crystal Palace, or on some other excursion?

The Archbishop of Canterbury said there was too much reason
to fear that such was the case as regarded the inhabitants of the
Metropolis. But good ground existed for trusting that, through-
out the country, days of fasting and humiliation were religiously
observed.

Sir George Grey was afraid that the observance of both fasting and
humiliation was confined to the humblerclasses, whose humiliation was
chronic and involuntary, and who would not fast if they could help it;
but the majority of the agricultural labourers iu the rural districts, as
far as abstinence from meat went, fasted from necessity nearly all the
year round. There was no compelling the richer classes to fast against
their inclination. The fourteenth of next month would be Ash
Wednesday, when Lent would commence, and people would fast or not
as they chose. Even the Clergy were not obliged to fast unless they
were Curates with stipends inadequate to beef and mutton. He did
not see any good in Government attempting to anticipate the regular

fasting season, especially as they had no power to enforce its"observance.
But if everybody would rigorously abstain from flesh during the whole
of Lent, he thought that would be the likeliest thing to bring the
butchers to their senses. Could [not the, Clergy do their best to per-
suade their congregations to practise total abstinence from meat
throughout the whole period extending'lbetween Shrove Tuesday and
Easter, unless indeed the 'price of meat should, as would probably be
the case, fall in the meanwhile to a reasonable figure ?

His Grace the Archbishop £>e Canterbury, on the part of the
Clergy, thanked the Right.Hon. Baronet for his suggestion ; which he'
was sure his reverend brethren would do their utmost by precept if not
by example, to persuade their congregations to put in practice.

The deputation then withdrew.

LITTLE PLAYS AND LiRGE POSTERS.

We wonder where the mania for big posters will stop. Really they
seem to grow bigger every day, and there is scarce a street in London
which is not defaced by these hideous monstrosities. The theatres are
perhaps the greatest of offenders. No matter how little is the new
piece they produce, the largest of large letters are employed to give us
notice of it.

Now, are there really many playgoers whom placards can attract ?
Are plays so unattractive that a good house cannot be got without this
broadcast use of paper ? The work of advertising a new play is best
done by the public. Let your piece be really bad, and it cannot much
be helped by puffery and posters. Let your play be really good,
and every audience will advertise its merit and attractions. Depend
upon it, gentlemen, what you spend upon bad ink might be far more
profitably spent upon good writing. If what is wasted on dead walls
were paid to living writers, a great eyesore in our streets would be
happily removed, and great good would be done to the condition o£
the drama.

January 27, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

41

SIXPENNYWORTH OF CHARITY.

lmanacks are well nigh as plen-
tiful as partridges ; in
every field of literature
there is a large covey of
them. From scavengers
to stationers, from chim-
ney-sweeps to churchmen,
nearly every profession
has its own especial alma-
nack, adapted expressly
to its own especial use,
while Punch's Almanack
alone is fitted for the
service of the universal
world. The stage has its
almanack as well as the
:- - pulpit ; and, lest the sanc-
tified should turn up their
noses at the work, all
the profits of its sale are
given away in charity,
which fact surely must
suffice for the disarma-
ment of critics. The pre-
sent is the tenth year of
this little publication ; and as its proceeds are devoted to a sick fund for the
stage, full many an actor, doubtless, in these ten years they have helped.

Anybody, therefore, with a sixpence he can spare, will do wisely and well to buy
with it the new Dramatic Almanack. A sixpence one can spare somehow never
long remains with one, and this is a much better way of spending this small sum
than profligately wasting it in buying a cigar, or a couple of brace of oysters, or

any other quickly evanescent luxury, which is pretty sure
to tempt one till the spare sixpence is spent. The re-
flection that "to-day I have given the sum of sixpence
towards a most deserving charity," will be pleasant to
record in one's diary or cash-book, and may sweeten one's
perusal of the varied information which the Almanack
contains. Probably not three men in a thousand are aware
that Brigham Young is the proprietor of a theatre in Utah,
that somebody in Bedlam once wrote something for the
stage, and that Bombastes Furioso was first played at the
Haymarket in 1810. Plenty of such interesting knowledge
he may gain by laying out his sixpence in buying the
Dramatic Almanack, and by so doing he will usefully in-
vest his hoarded wealth in purchasing a good sixpenny-
worth of charity.

Progress in Patent Medicine.

The following articles are on sale at the Institute of
Quackery -. —

Antibilious Oyster-sauce.

Cosmetic Brandy.

Digestive Hardbake.

Cough Champagne.

Gont and Rheumatic Burgundy.

Pectoral Jam.

Stomachic Cigars.

Antiscorbutic Yorkshire. Pies.

Shame '.—The meanest reason for getting married that
we ever heard was from a man who said he wanted some
one to part his back hair for him.

INDIGNATION MEETING OF GUARDIANS.

In consequence of the recent disclosures which have been'fmade by an
Individual who in the garb of a pauper made his way into one of the
workhouses, and detected various malpractices, a meeting of many of the
metropolitan Guardians was held, a few nights since, at the well-known
Cow and Cheesemonger Tavern, for the purpose of considering the
situation. Mr. Bumble was unanimously voted into the chair.

The Chairman said that he didn't know as many words was expected
from him. They all knew as well as him that an un-English and spy
system had been inhogurated by a journal he should not bemean hisself
by putting a name to, and another journal, whose name he should
ekally scorn to mention, had thought proper to copy the same, whereby
the Public was made awear of many things that was no business of its.
He would leave the matter in the ands of other gentlemen. {Cheers)

Mr. Serbrus said that if this sort of thing was to go on, nobody
would be safe. The Pall Mall Gazette {groans) pretended to be written
by gentlemen for gentlemen, and yet it would send a party (he would
not call him a gentleman though he did hire a brougham) to steal into
a workhouse at the dead of night, and under false pretences spy upon
the nakedness of the land. What official could keep his place, if he was
liable to be taken unawares in that manner P When real gentlemen,
like Sir George Grey, whose philanthropy extended to officials as well
as the rabble, wanted to see an establishment, they sent word before-
hand, and the result was most satisfactory. {Cheers.) He only wished
that the fellow had come to his, Mr. Serbrus's quarters, and he had
had an inkling of his character. He should have had no reason to com-
plain of the water in the bath, so long as the yard pump had a handle
to it. {Cheers.)

Mr. Bangbeggar said that the spy system was hinfamous, and he
had heard as every one of the workhouses was to be visited in like
manner, and the managements was to be showed up without warrant
or warning. {Sensation.) He should advise that a detective jWho had
been accustomed to West End society should be engaged, on the sly
of course, at each workhouse, as he, Mr. Bangbeggar, was certain
that by law a man could be punished for asking relief when he was
not in a condition according. It would be turning the tables fine to
have the gentleman-spy up before the Beak.

Mr. Grindpaces said that the name of Beak made him sick, they
talked such nonsense about the lower classes. Why, even supposing
that all that had been said was true, and much more, what right
had paupers to anything better ? Under wiser law-makers than they
had now, a pauper was regarded as a criminal, and if he got feeding
he got flogging, and unless something like it was tried, respectable
tradesmen who had cheated in the same shop for years {Sensation)—
he begged pardon, it was a lapsus lingo, he meant who had resided in
the same neighbourhood for years, would find their rates what it would
be very unpleasant to pay. {Applause.)

Mr. Surly said that they were met in private, there were no infernal

reporters present, and he should speak his mind. He was chose to
keep down the rates, and he knew no other duty. That was his
business. As for hard words, they broke no bones. He could give
a Beak as good cheek as a Beak could give him, as they knew. They
couldn't cheek the papers, no doubt, but what could the papers do to
them ? The class as chose him and his likes cared no more for newspaper
articles than for the squeaking of pigs. He thought the meeting was
making a fuss about nothing, and that if anything the revelations, as
they were called, did good, as showing to the rate-payers that every
saving was made as could be made. {Applause.)

Mr. Cheeseparing said that the least said was the soonest mended,
and if they held their noise the public would forget all about the matter
in a week. He thought with the preceding speaker, that they were
much too afraid of the newspapers. Let them imitate the railway
people, and the aldermen, and the scavengers, and the like, and take no
notice of scribble. {Applause).

Mr. Pincher said that the last two gentlemen had spoken good
sense. The spying was as mean as mean could be, and he wished he
had had the bathing of the gent who went to Lambeth. But it would
all blow over — the public liked a bit of sensation, but that was all, and
he advised his friends to take things easy. The next murder would
drive it all out of people's heads. If respectable prints liked to publish
the conversation of the dregs of the earth and the scum of the universe,
he did not admire their taste, but he did not care a brass farthing what
was said about him.

The last speakers being considered to express the sentiments of the
Guardians, and the policy they should adopt, the business terminated,
and the reporter, disguised as a waiter, left the room, to order glasses
all round. '

BURGLARS AND BLACKBIRDS.

A Telegram from Florence actually announces that : —

" The King of Prussia has conferred upon King Victor-Emmanuel the insignia
of the Order of the Black Eagle."

What are the insignia of the Order of the Black Eagle ? The jemmy
and centrebit? These are the emblems that would most truthfully
express the nature and quality of that rapacious bird. How wonderful
is the King of Prussia's effrontery ia assuming to enrol the King
op Italy among the Knights of the Black Eagle ! He might as
well pretend to constitute King Honestman one of St. Nicholas's
Clerks. It is to be hoped that Victor-Emmanuel has had too much
respect for himself to accept decorations, which, whatever may be their
shape, are the symbols of plunder and bloodshed.

MARITIME LAW.

The Law of Libel does not apply to a "running down" case. The
parties are not in the same boat.

42

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 27, 1866.

ti

READY!"

Emily. " What 's Capital Punishment, Mamma ? "
Master Harry. " Why, being Locked up in the Pantry !

/ should consider it so ! "

EXETER HALL SPITE.

New, if we were about; to speak of a worldly and carnal writer,
instead of one who is of Exeter Hall, Hallish, we should describe the
following paragraph, which appears, in large print, in Mr. Bright's
organ, as a specimen of the smallest spite and impertinence : —

" Brigadier General Nelson. — This officer, respecting whose movements there
has been considerable speculation during the last few weeks, sailed for Jamaica
yesterday in the La Plata. Mr. William Morgan, the solicitor retained by the Anti-
Slavery Society and the Jamaica Committee, shares the same berth with him. The
coincidence is certainly a remarkable one ; and if the Brigadier is at all communi-
cative, he may possibly save Mr. Morgan some trouble. At all events it may fairly
be assumed that he will feel more surprise than pleasure when he learns who his
companion is, and what is the mission which takes him to Jamaica."

Eirstly, from the above charminer paragraph the world may learn, if
it cares to know, that Exeter Hall and the Baptists have hired
an attorney, who goes to Jamaica to do his best or worst against
Governor Eyre. Secondly, that the gentlemanly employers of this
attorney would like him to avail himself of the sociality usually created
on a voyage, and to "pump" General Nelson, who was in the con-
fidence of the Governor of Jamaica. Thirdly, that the same gentle-
manly set derive pleasure from the idea of the gallant officer's being
annoyed at finding himself shut up with a person who is engaged to do
Governor Eyre and his friend3 all the mischief possible. By the way,
the he we have italicised makes it doubtful as to the party who is to be
surprised — the pious paragraph-maker was in such a hurry to be
spiteful that he forgot his grammar. But we imagine that much of this
holy spite will be defeated. We never heard of Mr. Morgan, but
many attorneys are the jolliest and best fellows going, and he may be
one of the better class, and if so, Mr. Morgan and General Nelson
have by this time become capital friends, and very likely Mr. Morgan
has been thoroughly amused with General Nelson's anecdotes of
black baptists and nigger sermons as Artemus Ward would have been.
Finally, the amateur commission may do what it likes, but the real
commission will, in all probability, confirm the verdict which society
has long since given — as every one knows except a clique — namely,

that a house was on fire, and that the firemen who "put it out worked
with a will and successfully. Englishmen do not, on such occasions,
make a riot because some of the water may have broken a few windows,
even though they were the windows of a Baptist chapel.

TRITE THOUGHTS.

It is quite a mistake, with respect to certain heavenly bodies moving
in a brilliant circle, to suppose that in direct proportion to their circum-
ference is their power of attraction.

Is matrimony one of the liberal arts ? We ask this having in view
two young persons who are all in all to each other, and whose hands
are already united as often as they can be conveniently. This sweet
pair propose in a forthcoming announcement to couple with the polite
economy of " No cards," the tender denial of " No company."

There is something sarcastic and significant in those feminine titles
which have been bestowed on Woman by Man — that gorgeous nomen-
clator. Matrimony, of course, is her perpetual target, and if a lady
does not hit it, she continues till domesday a Miss.

The Lambeth. Catch.

(Scarcely altired from Shakspearf.

Under the Greenwood shed
Who loves to go to bed,
And tune his husky note
To paupers' coughing throat ?
Come hither, come hither, come hither.
Here shall he see
Such thin Skillee
Keep body and soul together.

A Thought tn the Dark.— The haunted chamber is often hung
with tapestry. Gob(e)lins of course.

Printed by William Bradburv, of No. 13, T'pper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick' Mullett :E»ans, of No. 11. Bouverie Street, it{ the Pecinct of
Whitefriars, City of London, Printer*, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of WliitefrUrs, City of London, and published by them at No. oo. Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City
of London. — Saturday, January 27, 18G6.

February 3, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

43

DREAMS OF THE TWO EMPERORS.

H ! " cried Mks. Judy.

" I 've dreamt," said Mk. Punch, who was
by this time (1130 a.m., being an early riser),
in his flowered dressing-gown.

" Dreamt that you dwelt in marble halls ? "
inquired Mks. Judy, yawning.

" No, my dear," returned her husband,
seriously, sipping his early chocolate, " 1 dreamt
that I met somebody else, who had also dreamt
— in fact, I dreamt," continued Mr. Punch,

meditatively, " that he dreamt that " Here

he paused, and extricated himself from the
meshes of his sentence.

Toby sat up for toast.

" What did you dream ? " asked Madame,
becoming lazily interested.

"Curiosity thy name is Julia!" said Mr.
Punch, playfully placing a morsel of rotie on
Toby's nose.

Toby waited for the word " three."

Mr. Punch forgot all about him and his toast.

"J dreamt," said Mr. Punch, more appa-
rently as a confidence between himself and the
fire-irons, than as addressing his fair spouse,
"that I was in Paris at the Tile-Kilns; the
Tuileries," Mr. Punch explained, " having
been a place where hats, or tiles, were made,
and crowns fitted "

" Yes," said Julia.

Mr. Punch was pleased with the interrup-
tion, and continued without noticing it, while
Toby sat on his hind legs, anxiously regarding
his master, but by him disregarded.

" At the Tile-Kilns, talking to my dear cousin
Louis, who told me that he had had a dream."
Here, in memory of his cousin, Mr. Punch
lighted a fragrant Havannah.

Toby winced, but the toast remained un-
disturbed.

" Said Lours to me," resumed Mr. Punch,
inspecting the lighted end of this cigar, " ' I
dreamt I was King of England. Odd, that ! ' "
Mr. Punch studied the bars of the fire-place
for a second, and then went on. " ' Yes,' said
Louis to me, 'I dreamt that 1 had autocratic
metropolitan power for a short time in London.'

" ' What did your Majesty do ? ' 1 asked.

"'What! 1 found all your municipal au-
thorities talking, and I worked. I began,
Sir, by making a clean sweep of such places as
Holywell Street; and from Charing Cross to
the City there was one grand broad way.' I
suggested," said Mr. Punch, musingly, " that
St. Paul's was a difficulty. 'Bah!' replied
the Emperor, 'I knocked Paternoster How
down, and demolished the crannies, the old
houses, the nooks, and alleys, while the Dean
and Chapter were in bed. I took away the
railings that guard the Cathedral, and Sir
Christopher's work seemed, with a new lease
of life, to rise majestically towards Heaven.
Then, Sir, aided by the Unicorn from the Royal
Arms, I tunnelled London, diverting the heavy
traffic of vans and waggons from the public
thoroughfares. Then, Sir, the Lion co-operating

Toby winked : he had no more moved than the unhappy Pompeian sentinel on duty. " The Emperor said," Mr. Punch, continued-
" ' 1 forbade engines to scream in or within five miles of the Metropolis, and I took away all their powers of building bridges over the
streets until they had invented some way of running trains on them without any noise.'

" * Or,' I observed, said Mr. Punch to himself, 'until the horses should get accustomed to them.' ' That's Irish,' said Louis. I explained
that I was not for an age or a place, but for any age and every country. ' Je vous crois, mon enfant? said the Emperor, quoting Paul of the
Adelphi. I made in one hour, a clear way from the National Gallery to Westminster Abbey; I turned on the water in the Trafalgar Square
fountains ; I turned off the pepper-castors from the gallery ; I, with my own hands, placed the four lions at the base of Nelson's Column.' He
looked grave at the mention of this hero, but went on quickly, ' and I beheaded or shot all builders who would not build good substantial
houses ; I swept with one prodigious mortar all organs, German bands, and wandering minstrels from the streets ; I gave Punch his safe
corners for exhibition out of compliment to—' 'Don't mention it,' (I said. We shook hands. 'I tied up all who would not tie up or
muzzle their dogs; I reorganised all workhouses and prisons, and ordered that all owners and drivers of water-carts should be flogged once a-day
until they came out when they were wanted ; I trebled the number of police, and told them that Louis expected every man to do his duty ; I
visited prisons for debt, sponging-houses, and found that poor debtors, in for small sums, were obliged to pay eighteen shillings for a dinner,
two guineas for a private room, and were at the mercy of their gaolers. These gaolers of sponging-houses, Sir, I whipped and dismissed, and
ordered one moderate tariff to be observed; and I discriminated between the honest, but unfortunate man, and the miscalculating

vol. 1.

44

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Februaey 3, 1866.

swindler. Then, Sir, I took command of the Fire Brigade, and kicked
Vestrymen and Beadles into the Thames. I instituted new machinery
for water supplies. I compelled theatrical Managers to pay authors
according to their success, and I beheaded a dozen picture dealers. I
flogged all cab-drivers found loitering, and appointed many new and
convenient stands, Then, Sir, I hung most of the Directors of Gas
Companies ; then, Sir, I re-organised the Gas Companies ; and then,
Sir, I lighted London.' ' Your Majesty has done well-; admirably,'
I said, ' and I wish that some one would do all you dreamt you did.
You have improved Paris ; but I can suggest to you something, which,
without setting the Seine on fire, might give you a notion for lighting

your small streets, if you 'd permit ' but it seemed to me that while

I was talking, the Emperor lighted a fuzee and applied it to a mortar
which was to blow all the nuisances to "

" Where ? " asked Julia, awaking for the second time during her
husband's narration.

Me. Punch made no reply. Turning to Toby he said, " Ah ! Cer-
berus ! One, two, three."

Toby tossed the morsel one half-inch up in the air, snapped at, and
swallowed it. Patience was rewarded, and Mb. Punch went to his
shower-bath.

A CAUTION TO CEITICS.

Oh, be careful, brethren of the goosequill, or the steel pen, how ye criti-
cise great writers ! A caution to presumptuous critics is afforded by
the censure comprised in the following extract from a dramatic notice
of the Jealous Wife, in one of our contemporaries : —

" Dr. Johnson observes of tbisplay, ' that, though not written with much genius,
it was yet so well adapted to the stage, and so well exhibited by the actors, that it
was crowded near twenty nights.' A strangely-constructed sentence, and one which,
had it come from any other pen than bis own, would undoubtedly have been visited
with severe censure by the surly critic of Bolt Court. The only interpretation of
which Dr. Johnson's words are grammatically susceptible is that the comedy (for
there is no mention of a theatre) was crowded for near twenty nights — an obser-
vation which, if not absolute nonsense, is exceedingly like it."

The mighty Homer sometimes nods— and so does Dr. Johnson. The
writer of the passage above quoted, however, is mistaken in supposing
that he has caught the kindly critic of Bolt Court napping. Let him
turn out the verb "To Crowd" in "the great Lexicographer's" folio
Dictionary. Therein he will find one of its meanings, with an illustrative
quotation, stated as follows : —

" 3. To incumber by multitudes.

How short is life ! Why will vain courtiers toil,
And crowd a vainer monarch for a smile?" — Granville.

If a monarch can be said to be crowded, so can a play. The possi-
bility of being crowded is not the exclusive attribute of an interior
cavity. Por the sake of elegance an American young lady may say that
she is crowded with a variety of things which she has eaten, but she
would speak quite as correctly, at least, in saying that she was crowded
by persons thronging about her. A play might be incumbered by too
large an audience, and hindered from proceeding, if the people in the
pit clambered over the orchestra, and pressed on to the stage. Short
of being crowded to this extent, a play may be said to be crowded as it
were. Dr. Johnson was right in saying that The Jealous Wife was
crowded for nearly twenty nights. We, too, may with equal propriety,
say that Henry Dunbar is crowded every evening.

PHILOSOPHIC SLEEP.

We read that a physician of Magdeburg, who has just died premaj
turely at the age of 109, has left it on record in his will that his
longevity was due to his having always slept with his head to the N.
and his heels to the S , so that the magnetic current passed through
him, and increased his vitality.

There is no reason why everybody, who wants to be 109, should not
try the means thus recommended, though we see chances of much
compensatory irritation in the rows that Materfamilias and other
masters of families will make about the disarrangement of bed-room
furniture. The idea of sticking abed across a room, because the couch
in its present position stands E. and W. will, under a proper despotism,
be simply impossible. But supposing the plan to be adopted, it will be
necessary to put one's pocket compass by the bed-side as a com-
panion to one's watch. Then, agaiu, are we to sleep by the true north or
the magnetic north? This question would have occurred to Mr. Shandy's
father, when on the subject, of diagonals. Is a sleeping husband to be
aroused by a shrill warning, " Now, Mr. Caudle, there you lie snoring at
N.N.W., and to-morrow you will waut the doctor ; but don't think I'm
going to send for him, to have his orders laughed at." It will be
touching to behold the young matron, when at the couch where infant
Beauty sleeps,iHer pensive watch (and compass) the silent mother keeps.
" Charlie, dear, do not roll round to the West in that manner ! — have
not 1 promised to take you to see Chang, if you will only sleep North
and South ? " And the mode of salutation will be improved. " Why,

Bricks, my boy, how well you look ! Where did you buy your compass,
I think mine wants rectification, for I get the awfullest nightmares ? "
The word of command to the juvenile household will no longer be " Go
to bed." but "Come, time to box the compass, young folks." How far
an iron bedstead, like an iron ship, may affect the needle, will also have
to be considered. However, live and learn. Sensible people already
isolate their beds, on glass saucers, as they do pianofortes, to be cut off
from all electric currents, but the Magdeburg dodge is , clearly more
philosophical,

" Controlling, by obeying, Nature's powers,"

as the Laureate admirably says. So now, who wants to be 109 ?

LOYALTY.

Whenever _ the Prince goes to enjoy a day's shooting he meets
with "enthusiastic receptions." Surely these demonstrations must
rather spoil HR.FI.'s sport. Dramatically considered, our notion of
one of these receptions would be something like this : —

[H.R H. at covert-side, loads; Crowd from Neighbouring Village
cheer. HR.H. bows his acknowledgments, and disappears into
the wood.
H.R.H. {re-appearing at a quiet corner, to himself). Now, I shall get
a chance of a shot.

[Noise within covert ; popping. Pheasant making for H.R.HVs corner.
H.R.H. {preparing to bag his bird : to himself). I shall have a capital
shot now.

Enter suddenly Loyal Peasants from two Neighbouring Villages^

Loyal Peasants. 'Ooray ! 'Ooray !

[H.R. H. courteously puts his hand to his hat. Enter Pheasant from
covert, with a sharp whirring noise. Exit Pheasant out of shot
before H. R. H. can get his gun up.
Loyal Peasants {cheering monotonously .) 'Ooray! 'Ooray!

[H.R.H. bows as courteously as possible under the circumstances, and

disappears into Wood. The shooting party walk across a few

fields and try a fresh place.

H.R.H. {well placed, becomes aware of a hare making towards him.

Shots within : to himself.) They 've missed her. [Prepares.

Enter Loyal Peasants from the Nearest Village, who have up to this
time been cheering another of the party by mistake.

Loyal Peasants. 'Ooray ! 'Ooray !
[H.R.H. turns to bow his acknowledgments. Enter hare suddenly,
and exit sharply. H.R.H. gets his gun^to his shoulder as she
vanishes.
Loyal Peasants {looking at one another to 'see who will be tired first.)
'Ooray ! 'Ooray ! 'Oor— , &c.

The county papers will then probably inform us, that, " the' Prince
appeared much pleased with the cordial reception he everywhere met
with." Of course he must have been delighted, or, at least, have
appeared to be.

CANTERBURY BRAWN.

{Composed in front of the Window of Pym's, in the Poultry.)

Canterbury is a town

Noted in a high degree.
It derives no small renown
From its great Archbishop's See.
But what are Canterbury's sleeves of lawn ?
Tbey are nothing to compare with Canterbury Brawn :
Canterbury, Canterbury, Canterbury Brawn !
Canterbury, Canterbury, Canterbury Brawn!

Canterbury's mitred Grace

Has much wealth at his command.
His to sit in what a place !
In his shoes how good to stand !
But all in alms and charity his income's gone,
And he isn't half so rich as Canterbury Brawn.
Canterbury, Canterbury, &c.

A Dose for a Doctor.

Bumbledom is in a commotion at having its neglect and blunders
exposed, and Dr. Lankester, who seems determined to do his duty by
exposing the filthy condition of some of our parishes, was called by a
Dr. Collins, of Pankers, " that wretch of a Coroner." We have no
desire (otherwise than figuratively) to see the Coroner "sit upon" the
Doctor, but should he do so, the verdict must be temporarily insanitary .

February

PUNCH,

LONDON CHARTVAKT.

45

MUSEUM.

H! Yes, Lord Henry Lennox, you are quite
right. This British Museum question must be
taken up in earnest. Mks. Beitahnia's conduct
at present exactly resembles that of an old lady
who goes to all the auctions, and buys bargains, and some of them very
good bargains, indeed. But when they come home, she stuffs them into
her cellar, and her store-room, and her back attic, and her lumber-closet,
and under the chest of drawers on the landing, and over the bookcase,
and into the old orange hamper, and neither she nor anybody else knows
what there is hidden away, or can by any means get at it. But if you
tell her to take a larger house, or even to throw out a couple of new
rooms into the back garden, Lor ! she talks as if you wanted to rob
her, and asks where she is to get the money to hire Westminster Hall,
or to build a Crystal Palace, when the taxes are so high, and her two
boys — one in the dragoons, and the other at sea — are always coming on
her for money. But how we are to bring the old lady into a more
rational state of mind, nobody knows ; for, mind you, she is not one to
be dictated to, and flies at the family attorney, and at her own banker, as
if they were pickpockets, when they offer her a hint on this subject.
And then she never knows her own mind. One day she declares she
will sort out all the cases of stuffed birds and impaled beetles and bas-
kets of spars and moonstones and petrifactions, and send them to an
empty house she has at Kensington, and another day she won't part
with anything, and isn't going trapesing out to Kensington to see her
own property. And as to lending any of her curiosities to some friends
who want to show them to people at Islington and Walworth, she is
like a nursing mother of tigers at the idea. Even Mr. Punch, who is
thought to have more influence with her than even the parson, or any-
body else, can only get a sulky kind of promise that she '11 think about
the matter, and a supposition that he wants her to be ruined. If you,
Lord Henry, being a member of the Aristocracy (and she likes Lords,
in a grumbling way), can do anything to smooth her over, Mr. Punch
hopes that you will. She has really got, among an awful pack of South
Sea rubbish and dirty old birds, a wonderful lot of real curiosities, and
it would be a public boon if they could be got out and seen. William
Gladstone is a good deal in her confidence — they confabulate over tea,
and he invests her money for her— he might do something, if he would
try and be pleasant, but he mustn't scold the old girl. Meantime, Mr.
Punch recognises your intention to be of service, and wishes you all luck.

SPIRITS AND WATER AT CHICAGO.

(From the " Reliable Magazine")

Larn, ye wordlins, as, whenever are a fact 's revealed to you,
OUers only cries " cui bono ? " never axes " is it true,"
How we, guided by the sperrits, at Chicago pierced the sile,
Down until we struck fresh water, and besides that are struck ile.

'Guess you know Chicago city's Missis of the settin sun.
Go-ahead the West towns all is; she the go-aheadest one.
Wanted water. Would Artesian well the needful thing afford ?
" No," Geologists responded, not however deep it 's bored.

In our midst there is a Medium Pensylvanian birth who claims.
He was raised from Quaker parents, and his name is Abraham James";
Speaks, whilst normal, but his native tongue and that not proper quite :
When entranced speaks half-a-dozen others, and his native right.

Sketches wondrous plans and picters half asleep and half awake,
Can't, whilst in his simple senses, draw no better than a snake ;
Works his pencil either-handed, light and dark as well right through,
Drawin in the dark, if either, somethin better of the two.

Digrams of these parts' formations, draw'd in his superior states,
Airth's top-crust and all the strater underlain demonstrates;
And besides he drew a picter, with oncommon merits rife,
Of our President, the Martyr, Abraham Lincoln, large as life.

And there is a lady medium, Jordan by connubial name.
Through them both a revelation jintely to our circle came,
That, in sitch a named location, water, so far down, would flow,
And Petroleum be diskivered, likewise, that there ground below.

Thereupon the drill was started jest in that partickler spot,

And to work away at borin like Jerusalem we sot.

Through the rock upheaved by Natur down and down the drill we druv ;

Drippin ile come drill and drill-rod to the surfus up above.

Down through limestone, Joliet marble, through conglomerate, sand and

flint,
Through galena, shade and sandstone, down, of steel and steam by dint,
Through the rock — when on a sudden right slick up the water bust,
Seven hundred and eleven foot below the upper crust !

Ever since from that air well has that air water gushed away,
At the rate of over twice three thousand gallons every day,
Clear as crystal, pure as dimond stuck in air a despot's crown.
It will sarve for everlastin to supply Chicago town.

All the strater intervenin with Petroleum fatly flows ;
Endless ile, etarnal water, to our sperrit friends we owes,
Privileged so, the sperrits told us, proof for skeptics to supply :
Now then, come, how many dollars will you bet 'tis all your eye ?

Street Drama of DailylLife.

Have you seen Mr. Eechter in Ravenswood?

Yes.

Well?

Well, nothing can be finer than his scenery.

Ah!

A NEW CRY.

[Exeunt.

A FEW MORE CORRELATIVE THOUGHTS.

The best sort of woman is one who can turn her hand to anything,
trim a boat and a bonnet too.

There is a bankruptcy even in the natural world. The day breaks
and the light fails.

Are jury-masts regulated by the law of storms ?

Are you wedded to your own opinions ? Then never court inquiry.

Did you ever meet with a " maiden sword ? " How well one would
match with a single stick !

There is an old book called The Praise of Polly. Authors, actors,
and artists who are suffering from the effects of too much literary pastry
in the shape of puffs might compile an instructive work, and name it
The Folly of Praise.

A gin-sling does not suit a broken arm.

It may be easy to cook accounts, but it is a very hard matter to digest
them.

The Orange River has its correlative, Lake Leman.

How odd, yet how appropriate it would be, to go to a tournament in
a tilt-cart !

Some people like to argue in a vicious circle ; we prefer to talk in a
virtuous square.

If you jump at conclusions, you may take a leap in the dark.

It is quite possible to have a brown study in a green room.

What corresponds to an Archdeacon ? A cunning priest.

To conclude with an alliteration. " Despotism and dry boots " was
our cry during the three sloppy days.

In England the question is, " Where are the Police'? "
In Ireland it is " Where 's Stephens ? "

SIR EDWIN LANDSEER S MOTTO.

Give a dog a good name, and hang him.

46

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 3, 1866.

THE SEWING-MACHINE.

Draper. "A most Wonderful Invention, indeed, Mom, and it really Execotes the Work so Efficiently and Quickly, that, 'pon
my Word, I think there's nothing left for the Ladies to do now but to Improve their Intellects !"

BUMBLE'S COUNTERBLAST AGAINST CENTRA-
LISATION.

Did you ever ! Well I never ! Here 's a turning topsy-turvy
Of the good old British principles, for the sake o' paupers scurvy :
Paternal Government's put down (now the rule of Daddy ceases)
By despotism and MAYNE-force, which I take it them police is !

What becomes of our self-government, if the coals we 're thus hauled

over
By your Farnalls, and such fellows, as lives on the rates in clover P
Chaps as has their salaries paid 'em out o' your pocket, and mine, Sir,
And yet comes to cheek the guardians, all along o' paupers' whine, Sir.

"Mustn't do this," "Mustn't do that," and "Must do as you're

told," 'tis—
Change the water in the casuals' baths, and try how hot and cold 'tis !
Mustn't shut paupers up at night, without bells, gas, or fuel !
Cocker up with beef-tea and wine them that fights shy o' gruel !

Find Union doctors in quinine, cod-liver oil, et ceterer—

The expensive things we takes ourselves, when we 're ill and would be

betterer ;
Change sick-ward sheets, and dress bed-sores, not trust to pauper

nurses :
Bless me ! Do they think ratepayers has no bottoms to their purses !

And now they 're kickin' up a row about the casual wards, Sir ;

As if casuals had a right to more than dry bread and bare boards, Sir !

As if Boards had any business to be payin' a night warder,

For the sake of keepin' wagabonds like them in peace and order !

As for them as says misfortin' has druv 'em to sich places,

Boards can't be making rules to meet exceptionable cases :

All casuals is bad 'uns, and them as ain't, to start with,

Is certain, in sich company, to ketch more than they can part with.

Wot 's the use o' spendin' money to improve what 's past improvin' P
The police have got enough to do to keep sich varmint movin' :
As for lettin' 'em inside the House, at Villiers's dictation,
It 's the small end of that horful wedge — you know — Centralisation !

And where that comes it 's all U. P. with the British Constitootion,
Magna Charta, Habeas Corpus, and our glorious Revolootion :
Our Westries all go to the wall, Police and Press grow stronger : ]
Englishmen's houses cease to be their castles any longer !

LORDS HIGH MENIAL.

By one of Renter's telegrams we are informed that the King of
Prussia has Charged Prince Biron von Cotjrland, Lord High Cup-
bearer, with the mission of proceeding to Brussels to congratulate
Leopold the Second on his accession to the throne. A Lord High
Cupbearer is a very proper officer to attend on a monarch who may be
described as the Landlord of the Spread Eagle, but, when he is sent
out, those to whom he is accredited would rather perhaps be disposed
to welcome him as Lord High Potboy, particularly if he came convey-
ing an acceptable plenty of pots from Potsdam. He might be accom-
panied by the Lord High Post-boy, leaving the Lord High Waiter at
home to preside over the Lords in Waiting, whilst the Lord High
Ostler directed the affairs of the stalls, and the.blacking department was
administered by the Lord High Boots. Employment suitable for such
High Lords as these might be found at the new grand English joint-
stock hotels whose landlords are among the chiefs of the landed
aristocracy.

A Pilgrim in Progress.

The significant intimation following appears in the Morning Post: —

" Dr. Posey. — The French clerical journals announce that Dr. Pusey, on leaving
Bordeaux, proceeded to Orleans on a visit to Bishop Dupanlocp."

It is expected that Dr. Pusey will proceed from Orleans to Rome.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— February 3, 1866.

THE NEW WORKHOUSE PORTER.

Master Prig. " BLEST IP iTHEY HASN'T PUT , ON A ■ BOBBY ! PRETTY STATE WE 'RE COMIN TO, WITH

THEIR CENTRALISATION! LET'S CUT TO LAMBETH."

February 3, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

49

jwnc&'s CaM*-ML

357.
The New York Herald says that England is completely prepared to
become Republican, but that the undoubted personal popularity of the
Queen will probably sustain the effete monarchy until the time arrives
for transmission of the Crown. But as for an Edward the Seventh,
that is out of the question. Are there twenty republicans in England,
deducting Bedlam ?

358.
I wonder the Irish have not made it a grievance, and a bit of British
tyranny, that only five miles and a half of theirs make seven miles of
Why don't they form an Anti-Saxon Mile League P

ours.

359.

Some people are always in extremes. We have long been used to
the absence of even Propriety in the rulers of Spain — now it is sought
to make the ruler Prim.

360.

If the story is not a legend, like the Maelstrom, and the watch in
front of Somerset House, there is an awful abyss in the West of
England, and it is called Pen Park Hole. I read, in youth, that it was
unfathomable, also that a clergyman was trying to sound it when the
earth gave way, and he disappeared for ever. Is there such a hole, and
has it been sounded ? Years ago I put a letter into the local papers,
asking these questions civilly, but the ill-mannered ignorant bumpkins
of thejregion never wrote to the obliging editors in reply to me.

361.

The operation for strabismus would be hateful to a Brahmin, because
he would lose his cast. I wonder whether Sir Charles Wood knows
this.

362.

That was very well put in the London Review— an excellent paper,
by the way. Talking of invitations which you don't want to accept, it
said that you had a right to argue thus. My friend who asks me
should have but one object — the giving me pleasure. If I, feel that it
would give me more pleasure to stay away, I promote his views by
refusing his invitation. Argal, I am justified in regretting a previous
engagement, or having to be in the country, or whatever occurs to me
as least likely to be an undetected whacker.

363.
Chasuble, Dalmatic, and Tunicle, are now stated to be articles that
no well appointed church can be without. I shall turn Quaker.

364.

Pere Htacinthe's last sermons proved, it seems, inter alia, that
nobody in any age had ever .been truly pure who had not been also
within the pale of the Roman Catholic Church. " Well done, well
done, Hyacinthus, my son," as Thackeray wrote. But the fact is
that since, thanks to Zephyrus, you got that awkward knock on the
head from the quoit, you have talked nothing but nonsense. Come, my
fable is as good as yours.

365.

Shooting Polly as it flies is, of course, a sportsman's work, but it is
well to take an occasional shot at „ Wisdom as it struts.

366.
Longinus has a chapter in which he shows that Interrogations con-
duce to the sublime. Not, I think, when they are addressed, on behalf
of a criminal, to the Mad-Doctor.

367.

There is a good dinner-table story, and it was told me by my friend
Mr. Layard. In the East, I forget exactly | where, 'there is a tax
called I forget exactly what. But it was imposed by a travelling
Oriental magnate upon the inhabitants of a village, who brought him
everything he wanted to eat. He then laid on this tax as compensation
for the wear and tear of his teeth.

368. /

Scratching instead of knocking at the door of the royal apartment
was said to be "a French refinement." I should have thought that it
had been introduced by King James the First of England, and Sixth
of Scotland, only he declared that scratching was too great a j luxury
for a Subject.

369.

I liked that dismal Coliseum in the Regent's Park, and all its dreary
shows. I have been nobly pensive (like Bolingbroke) vis-a-vis to the
dirty old eagle beside the Swiss lake. The Lisbon earthquake exhibi-
tion was excessively good. There was another, in London, soon after
1692, representing that year's earthquake in Jamaica, and the show was
suppressed by Queen Mary, as profane. ,

370.
So our dear old Dodo's fame is vindicated at last. He will never
know it, being extinct— such is life. But Professor Owen has obtained

bones which enable him to say that the picture in the Museum was in
all probability taken from a living specimen. This will rejoice the heart
of a bard who pathetically sang, some years ago, touching the Twice
Killed bird—

" But don't deny the Dodo ;
Tliat wounds my very heart."

371.

Imay agree with Novalis" that not the worst criticism of true
philosophy is its communicability, but I hope that you will all agree
with me that the truest philosopher communicates least of his philosophy
—and talks about the last novel, and its stupidity. I don't mean
yours, Brown.

372.

On the Swedish railways the guards, I read, are compelled to have
surgical knowledge enough to be of some use in case of an accident.
This may prevent some Viatricide, as the Yankees call it. But why
should not a train carry a medical man, as a ship does ? There are
heaps of clever young fellows who would jump at the position — and
what chances they would have of fascinating heiresses in frights.

373.

You will do no good at the theatres, until the right to hiss is as much
recognised as the right to clap. Abstractedly, these rights are equal,
but just hiss, and you'll have a dozen snobs crying " shame," a fool
next you will remark to his friend that it is "illiberal," and a policeman
will probably say that you " had better be quiet." And though a
claque may be sent in to applaud, it is called a conspiracy if a group
agree to condemn.

374.

Here is an odd bit from a provincial obituary— I '11 read it to you.
" Died on the 21st instant, at so and so, Mrs. Susannah something,
aged fifty-five. She was the mother of the three children born about
fifteen years ago." There is something awful in this. Who were the
Three Children P I know no more than Nebuchadnezzar.

Poet Reade has-

375.
-so will not be— Read.

376.

Some recent verdicts seem to prove that the real derivation of " Jury "
is " something to swear at."

377.

A heavy dessert of raw fruit is a barbarism. You never see anything
of that sort on my table— only trillibubs, as folks who talked slang said
in Massinger's time.

378.

What to drink, the very last thing before the slips go, is a question
which much troubles the wise and good. I impart to you the deliberate
sentence of several of the great Epicureans of London, myself included,
when I say that the right thing has not yet been discovered, but that a
glass of the driest Champagne is the least wrong. Therefore, let it go
round.

379.

Fortified Water is a good name for Grog.

380.

A young friend of fmine, home from a very classical school, correctly
informed me the other day that onyx was so called from its likeness in
colour to the human nail. Glancing at his paws I said, with my kindly
smile, " Surely not onyx ; jet ? " He blushed, and went to his bed-
room, returning a cleanlier youth. That is the way to improve without
annoying^he young.

381.

What do you mean by saying that you heard what you have been
telling, from " lots of fellows " at the Club to-day ? You heard it from
three, and no more. It is rather from carelessness about truth, than
from intentional lying, that there is so much falsehood in the world — a
remark made by the late Samuel Johnson.

382.

An Italian proverb says, Beware of a reconciled enemy. The warning
does not concern "me, as when I offend, I make a point of going past
any possible reconciliation, but some of you may be _ less candid. They
should put such mottoes into kisses, instead of the idiotic inventions of
the confectioner's clerk.

383.

Do you know that women were Impressed, in the time of William
the Third P I do not mean impressed by the excellence of his character
or the bigness of his nose, but to serve on board his ships as nurses,
sempstresses, and laundresses, ten to a ship. I spex they could be got
now without the formality.

384.

A fiend has given me two bad half-crowns, and I do not know in the
least how to bestow them. They would have been useful at Christmas-
box time, but that is, happily, over. The coin is too large to hand to a
pew-opener or a box-keeper. I will sell them to any of you for four
shillings.

50

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 3, 1866.

I] \\

THE LOST LIQUOK.

{A Poem for the Public.)

Alas ! where is the good old ale,

The brave strong beer of yore ?
That famous liquor is on sale,

At any tap no more.
A few old farmers, here and there,

May brew right stingo still ;
But you scarce meet it anywhere,

Go wheresoe'er you will.

That ale, the "jolly good and old,"

The good old Bishop sung ;
'Twould warm the heart, as down it rolled,

And tingle on the tongue.
That mighty ale cheered copper nose,

And, nearly as might be,
Rejoiced the soul like some grand close

Of some old English glee.

'Twas never merry world since first

The beer-engine began.
Beer is a creature to be nursed,

As tenderly as Man.
Whatever makes it vapid flow,

Doth good stuff grievous wrong.
Man wants a little beer below,

And wants that little strong.

Nothing from Spain.

'IT'S THE PACE THAT KILLS."

Miss Eattleton {who means Waltzing). " Oh, I did not say ' Stop,' Me. Pldmplet."

Mr. Plumpley (utterly blown, in gasps). " 'msure you — mustbetired "

[And joins the Card-players.

The following pithy announcement appeared the other
morning in the Paris Correspondence of the Post : —

" We get nothing from Spain to-day."

This would be a safe stereotype for a City article. It
might be otherwise worded as " Nothing to-day of interest
from Spanish capital." In commercial circles there is a
confident expectation that the Spanish dividends will be paid
on the Greek Calends.

CONUNDRUM.
{From Colwell Hatchney. )

If a vegetable went out hunting what would it wear ?
Turnip-tops.

MRS. SAWPIT'S POLITICAL SENTIMENTS.

Mr. Punch, Dear Sir,

My husband, Sampson Sawpit, will, I suppose from what I
read in our Weekly paper, soon become an elector. As 1 tell him he
ought to be much obliged to those Kind gentlemen who take as much
interest in him, as if he was A baby. Indeed, more so than many of
them Do who are batchelors. I wish now that every thing is being
reformed, that somebody would endeavour to reform Sampson's Habits,
for tho' he is a 6-pound house-holder, I can't prevail on him to wear
Shakespeare's Collars. I mean to buy him a Pink sattin tye and make
bim very smart, when he goes up to the hustings to Vote for the
Pop'lar candidate, and I should like him, if it was possible, to put on
Lemon Kid gloves and take his Hands out of his pockets. I do Know
what is Etiquette having been for upards of 5 years upper house maid
at Sir loftus stahchington's, where we had All the Fashionable
Romances, and neither cook nor me ever went To church without a
Scented pockethandkerchief. My young lady gave me for a Wedding
Present lobd chestebfield's Advice to his sons, and now and then
when Sampson is at Tea, 1 begin to read portions Aloud to him, but
you should see what a Scowl dis6gures his Forehead, and how he
snatches his Fiddle from the Wall, and Plays till 1 of his Strings snap,
Rule britannia.

I believe that Sampson is a Great orator at his club, but he never
talks on politics to me. I am so afraid that they '11 be making him
A m : p : It's no use attempting to Reason with him— he won't listen
to Argument. None of 'em ever Do 1 believe that have a Voice in the
bouse, but tho' he is Such a Party man, they can't say of him as of
Some I could name/ that he 's not Over Bright. I 'm almost certain
if he Gets into Power, that he'll lay a Tax on crinoline and take it
off tobacco, simply because one is of no use to him, and tother is.
As I tell him, it he was a Blind man, he'd be for laying a heavy
Duty on light. He acknowledges that he'd like to Tax the lord
mayor's Coach, which is Cruel and Selfish considering how it Amuses
the cLildren and don't cost tcs Any thing. It 's my firm Opinion that

men ought to have nothing to do with "ways and means." As for their
much Talked-about " budgets " I suppose (tho' I never saw One) that
they 're little better than Bags of O's and ends or what we call snippets.
I always read the chancellor of the Extra's speech, and seeing
what a large Family he has to provide for, and how he must be bothered
by one boy pulling his Coat this way, and another boy pulling his
sleeve that, I think it Does him credit. Still there are many items
which don't Figure there as they would if / had to dispense the
Extras. For instance, there's Gunpowder (not for blowing up our
enemies but for clearing the copper) and stone blue. The chan-
cellor of the Extras never puts them into his budgets though I'll
be bound they bear an Awful duty Because no one complains but us
who do clear-starching at home. I 'm not an alarmist but 1 shouldn't
be surprised if there 's a gunpowder Explosion when we ladies have set
Things a little To rights and got a Mill of our own. So no more'at
Present from Sakah Sawpit>

Twig Folly.

Flunkeyism in the Nursery.

The Telegrams informed us the other day that " the Queen of
Spain gave birth to a Prince." We suppose " a Prince " means " a
Son." But this style of announcement might be copied in high
life ; thus : " The Countess of Highbury gave birth to a Viscount,"
or in the case of a younger son, " The Countess of Shybury gave birth
to an Honourable," and so forth. The idea is good, and would keep
the middle-class well posted up in the Peerage. u We hope that Queen
and Prince are doing well.

" LANCET."

FROM OUR OWN

If, as is asserted, the Cattle Disease is only the Small-pox, we have
but to modify the Golden Rule, and do unto the Cow what we make
the Cow do unto us.

February 3, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

51

SO EARLY IN THE MORNING.

E'hear there is to be a new-
Club, called The One o'Clock
Club. In order to get it up,
the promoters and secretary
are working like — well, say,
"like one o'clock!" What
do the Mrs. Caudles say
to this? The One o'Clock
Club, ladies, is to be open
at all hours; during the large
hours, and during the small
hours. The qualifications
will be a power of consuming
not less than a certain quan-
tity of stimulants ; of puffing
an uncertain amount of to-
bacco; of being able to tell
one good story, guarantee-
ing a new one every other
month. Each member must
know the words (at least) of
one song, and the tune as well, if possible. No one admitted who holds
the unsound opinion that supper is unwholesome, or that every one
ought to be in bed by twelve o'clock at the latest. The Duke of Bedford
will not be asked to be Chairman of the Committee. Supposing this
Club able to get any life into it, we are afraid that, as it must consist
only of late members, it will soon be defunct.

A SEASONABLE BEAR-STORY.

Authenticity is the striking attribute of the following story, told in
the Post: —

" A Bear on Fire. — The guardians of the Garden of Plants, Paris, were lately
surprised by hearing extraordinary howlings proceed from the bear-pit. On going
to the spot they found that one of the bears was on fire ; and, after vainly attempt-
ing to extinguish the flames by rolling the poor animal on the ground, they at last
succeeded in plunging him into the large basin of water intended as a bath for him
and his fellows. It appears that the bear's fur was set on fire by one of the new fire-
work playthings, which a mischievous person had lighted and thrown into the pit."

The foregoing statement affords decisive proof of the extraordinary
sagacity of the bear, which people in general are not aware of. Under
ordinary circumstances the attendants of wild beasts do not trust
themselves with bears. Who has ever seen one of the keepers at the
Zoological Gardens venture into the bear-pit P Some time ago, some-
where in Switzerland — was it not at Berne ? — a man tumbled into one,
and the bears instantly ate him up. But when a bear is on fire, which
does not happen every day, he then becomes the most tractable of
animals, insomuch that, as is related in the foregoing anecdote, he will
suffer himself to be rolled on the ground in order to be put out, and
submit to be plunged into the basin of water provided as a bath for him
and his fellows. They, too, with a sagacity even greater than his own,
and with a fellow-feeling which bears have never had credit for, abstain
from all interference with the exertions of the men who are trying to
rescue their companion. Of course it took several men to roll the bear
on the ground, unless the bear was a very little bear. _ One hardly
knows which most to admire, the intelligence of the burning bear, and
his companions, or the gallantry of the guardians who entered the bear-
pit in reliance on the knowledge of a peculiarity in the nature of bears
which Mr. Timbs may, or may not, insert in the next edition of his
entertaining and instructive work, Things not Generally Known.

Private Theatricals.

An amateur performance came off the other evening at the house of
Lady Painter, and achieved, the gossips say, a most remarkable
success. The play that was performed was a fashionable version of the
piece called Masks and Faces. Nearly all the ladies present took a part
in the performance ; for, though they were invited simply to a dance,
they had their faces covered with such masks of rouge and pearl powder,
that scarcely a square inch of their complexion was left visible.

FENIAN SELF-GOVERNMENT.

The Fenians wanted a good cry. | Those of them that have been sen-
tenced to penal servitude would want that no longer if their warders
only let them howl. As to the rest that remain at large, the most
suitable cry for them would be, "The Autonomy of the Lunatic Asylum !"

Cards in the Casual Ward.— Amongst the vagabonds who fill
the casual wards some pass the night in card-playing. Of course, knaves
are trumps.

THE FIX OP THE FORTY.

(Sir Edwin Landseer chosen President of the Academy, January 24<th,
Sir Edwin refuses : the Meeting is adjourned for a week.)

Under the punch-bowl and the pepper-boxes,

In conclave the Academicians sat ;
iEsop had figured them as dogs or foxes,

Lion or mouse, eagle or blinking bat.
Some whose intrusion there keeps out their betters ;

Some who bring thither honours bravely won :
As far as R. A. go, all " men of letters,"

Though other title to that rank be none.

The men, to whose hands English Art is given

To hold high, but who, some times, let it drop ;
Those who think their receipts prove Art has thriven,

And claim to keep school, when they but keep shop.
The few who feel Art has great work to do,

And that the Academicians ought to do it ;
The many who all strain and stir eschew,

Knowing what 's rotten will be first to rue it.

The small men who on R.A. stilts look smaller,

The big men who 'd show bigger, seen apart
From this crowd, where the pigmies hold them taller,

— As they are, gauged by measure of the mart, —
Than e'en Art's Anakim, beyond their border :

Those who like sword or sceptre wield the brush,
And those who work, like journeymen, to order,

And from their studios bar one colour — blush.

The conclave's task, to choose a man for bearing

Their President's red robe and golden chain —
Both articles that seem the worse for wearing,

Judging by those who 've worn them, reign by reign :
The stately shade of Reynolds frowned about them,

West's Quaker ghost stared emptily around,
E'en Lawrence's smooth spectre seemed to doubt them,

And Shee's small shadow brooded near the ground.

Reynolds, whose well-spent life in struggle ended

With petty plots, small quarrels, scorns undue,
Who lived to spurn the tree that he had tended,

And from its withering shade his age withdrew.
How had he wondered, in the transformation

Art's craft, means, patrons, all have undergone,
To find his Forty scorning all mutation,

No new lights owned, and no new blood laid on.

The same close-guarded pale, the same aversion

Young power to welcome or'to honour old :
The same worn ruts as guarded from incursion ;

Practice as petty, theory as cold.
No recognition of the growth within,

No satisfaction of the needs without,
The laurel of performance still to win,

The buds of promise still a case of doubt.

The'conclave's met, with closed doors, as beseemeth

Cardinals or Academies in throe ;
In choosing Popes or Presidents who deemeth

Laymen have wills to speak, or wits to know ?
At length the vote is cast ; attendant Muses

Of art and history, wondering, record,
A great man's chosen ; but the man refuses —

And they who hoped and feared alike are floored !

Was 't that Sir Edwin thought the place above him,

Or that he thought himself above the place ?
Was 't that he better loved the crowds that love him ?

Would rather live for great work than for base ?
Was't that the Academy would less be winners,

Than he a loser, by that chain opprest ?
Was 't that he shirked the speeches at the dinners,

Or that the Lions_sat upon his chest ?

Whate'er the cause, the Academy is baffled,

And cannot boast a Landseer on its throne ;
What if the robe and chain were to be raffled,

And trust the hazard of the die alone ?
Methinks that were as wise mode of selection,

As this by ballot, with closed doors, eyes, ears ;
Or choose the worst, and to the world's objection,

Reply, " Was he not chosen by his Peers ! "

52

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 3, 1866.

THE FESTIVE SEASON.

(THE HOUSE IS FULL OF VISITORS— REGINALD SLEEPS IN HIS FATHER'S BEDROOM.)

Papi. " Why, how 's this, Reginald ? Not in Bed yet ? It 's nearly Four o'clock ! You should have been Asleep
Hours ago ! "

Reginald. "Haw! And pray, why me in particular, Papa?"

THE MEXICAN DUET.

Arranged for Mr. Seward and H.T.M. the Emperor Louis

Napoleon.

Mr. Seward. Now, Louis N., I want to know,

When you '11 get out of Mexico ?

Your stopping there is quite a blow

At our great doctrine called Monroe.
Louis Nap. France takes no bidding from a foe,

I know what to her name I owe,

No threats from Bunkum, Bosh, & Co.,

Shall have the power to make me go.
Mr. Seward. Now, really, if you answer so,

We must commence to pick the crow.
Louis Nap. The crow, indeed— your notion 's low,

The eagle's form my banners show.
Mr. Seward. And we ain't got no eagle, no ?

As good a bird as yours, mon beau.
Louis Nap. The sovereign whom I took in tow,

I mean to keep in statu quo.
Mr. Seward. Be off, and rest content to sow

New kingdoms on the banks of Po.
Louis Nap. Such chaff as that be pleased to stow,

And in one boat let 's try to row.

Acknowledge Maximilian.
Mr. Seward. 0 !

Louis Nap. And then my word is " Eastward, ho ! "
Mr. Seward. Persuade me not. Our people, slow

To wrath, begin with rage to glow.
Louis Nap. ] The guns of Prance, in thundering row,

Will act upon that heat like Veau.
Mr. Seward. Now, each has'drawn his longest bow.

Louis Nap.
Mr. Seward.
Louis Nap.

Both.

We will not let the quarrel grow.
But will you go your home untoe ?
Untoe a goose one answers " Bo."

Yo'pupir i is not worth a Job.
You shall
I shan't

| get out of Mexico.

COMPETITION IN THE TEMPLE.

According to a contemporary " a sort of competitive examination-
for the Readership of the Temple," now vacant, is going on at the
Temple Church. There were 136 candidates for this office, but the
Benchers of the Inner Temple, with whom the appointment for this
time rests, have reduced their numbers by 130, leaving half-a-dozen to
compete for it by celebrating divine service each in his turn. So two
of these reverend gentlemen did duty last Sunday week, two last
Sunday, and the last two will have their innings in the reading desk
and the pulpit on Sunday, Feb. L This certainly seems all fair enough,
but is not the sense of justice, rather than that of reverence, gratified
by the exhibition of six parsons reading, praying, and preaching against
each other for a situation ? Does not this competition in surplices look
a little too much like jumping in sacks ?

Balance of Evils.

" It is a painful thing," said Jones, who had been deceived, " to have
pretended friends, and to find them out." " Yes," said Brown, " but
that can happen seldom. The plague of life is that youarealwajs
liable to find them at home."

Nuts for Hippopbagists. — The Chestnut and the Cob.

Printed by William Bradtmrt, of No. 13, Upper Wobnrn Place, in ihe Parish ot St. Pancras, In the County ot Middlesci, and Frederick Mnllett Evans, of No. 11. Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of
Wbitefnars. <Mty of London, Pr nters, at their Office in L,omti»iru Street, in ihe Precinct |of Wh.tefriars, City of London, and published by them at No. 85, Kleeti Street, in the Parish of St. BridejOity
of London.— Saturday, February 3. 1866.

Februaey 10, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

53

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

See the proud Speaker, re-elected, stand,
The great Crown Lawyers upon either hand —
Palmer, who edited the Book of Praise,
And Collier, who the painter's skill displays.
Above them Lord Llanover points doth moot
With Captain Grosvenor, smoking a cheroot.

Then see a splendid ring, its centre, Bright,
Grimly preparing for Eeform to fight,
'Twere a good omen should his stubborn will
Yield to the chain of intellectual Mill,
O'er whom Tom Hughes, a man of brains and wit,
Still praises Yankeedom, nor heeds its split.
The blind, clear-sighted Pawcett means hard knocks,
And so does Torrens, he who ousted Cox.
There fiery Roebuck wields his ready lance,
And veteran Brougham hurries home from Prance.
Then mark Lord Ckanworth with his awful mace,
And Clarendon with discontented face,
Argyll's bright hair, the gallant Granville's form,
And Redcliffe, peering for a coming storm.

Major a nunc canamus, Public. Lo !
The great Reform Bill stands, a thing of snow.
Assistance Russell, Gladstone, Goschen, bring,
While Debby, Dizzy, Walpole, missiles fling.
The pipe may hint of smoke— the broom may mean
That something's coming to make all things clean.
Peel, who " resigned" (are you avized of that?)
To Fortescue hands over howling Pat.
Marches the gentle, rogue-reprieving Grey,
And Staffobd Nobthcote various things doth say.
In tranquil slumber Milner Gibson lies,
Regardless of P. Kelly's beer-boy cries,
And Charley Wood serene contempt displays
Por Naval Lords who tug in different ways,
One, Clarence Paget, of the frank replies,
The other, Pakington, who — seems — so wise.

Outside, and to the left, Lord Northbrook's tact
Instructs the younger Gladstone how to act.

Two fiery pigs you see enrich the show,
This pulls at Cabdwell, and that tugs at Lowe.
The„CARDWELL pig, Beau-seant, who madly squeaks,
Hints at Jamaican niggers and their freaks.
The gallant Hartington with pride displays
The British soldier to the British gaze,
While Kin glare taunts, in words best left unsaid,
A libellous doll he 'd better put to bed.
Bulwer and Layabd in one chariot ride,
'Tis a great inkstand, each great author's pride.
While Villiebs drops the sentimental tear,
And Stanley states what all are glad to hear.

VOL. L.

54

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[February 10, 1866,

High on the right Sir Morton Peto wheels
Cowper, who sbows the astonishment he feels.
A hint that bold Contractors soon pnsh through
Things which the Board of Works finds hard to do.
Hobsman, the oratorio, near them clings,
It-hearsing paragraphs with pointed stings,
While vocal Whalley (since the House insists)
Obevs " sing, sing"— and Harvey Lewis lists.

The noble Elcho on an Armstrong speeds,
De Grey and Dufferin are his toiling steeds,
'* Fiery, the fiery Duke," {King Lear's the phrase)
Hastes, a brave fireman, to his favourite blaze,
While Stansfeld, by his friends unfairly sold,
Sits, a dejected party, in the cold.

Tantmne animis? See mitres twain._
Two theologians meet with huge disdain.
The Pope's tiara bold George Bowyer crowns
Beneath the British bishop's Whiteside frowns.
Last man of all, Clanricarde, virtuous swell,
Who does not look particularly well.

Jhtcfc art tfje learjwg jHemhcrS rjf tfje gamate
therein $)Ourtrar,erj tin Mx. €,. % 23em«tt.

THE ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Thursday, February 1, 1866. The new Parliament met. Mr. Deni-
son was for the third time elected Speaker. Mr. Disraeli complained
that a Conservative had not been allowed to second the nomination of
a gentleman unanimously approved. Mr. Gladstone intimated that
he had assumed the leadership of the House, and hoped for support.
He gracefully alluded to the difficulty any one must feel who succeeded
Lord Palmerston. " What shall the man do that cometh after the
king ? " Mr. Bright complained that Members who dined with the
Speaker were obliged to wear Court dress, or uniform. Swearing then
commenced, and was heard, at intervals, until the following Tuesday,
when the Session was inaugurated in the usual manner. Mr. Punch
has no particular remark to make upon the preliminary proceedings,
except to note that about a fourth ot the new House consists of new
men, and that the old ones seem awfully afraid lest the novi homines
should not behave themselves properly. We trust that such anticipa-
tions are unfounded, and that the various hints given by the Speaker,
and others, on the day of meeting, will produce the desired effect of
enforcing tolerable conduct in such persons as Stuart Mill, Fawcett,
Thomas Hughes, and other thoughtless youths. Mr. Punch's co-
operation, for the purpose of preserving order, may be relied upon
throughout a Session which promises to afford him much matter for
pensive contemplation.

THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL.

{With some genuine criticism.)

If any one wants to
see Lady Teazle well
played let him go to
the St. James's, and
see Miss Herbert
in that character.
I do not say an
admirer of S heridan
will be pleased with
the performance as
a whole : if he ex-
pects nothing from
the rest of the com-
pany engaged in the
representation of this
model comedy, verily
he will not be dis-
appointed. The
School for Scandal
has proved a hit,
and to several people
it is, absolutely,
an entire novelty.
Gallery and pit
crowd to see it, and
have a general idea
that it is by Dion
Boucicault or
Shakspeare ; the gallery inclining to Shakspeare. They thoroughly enjoy every
touch of nature, and not a point escapes them.

The dress circle have seen it somewhere else, and tell one another confidentially
that it isn't a new piece. Somebody better informed than his neighbours
observes out loud for their information, " New piece ! I should think not. _ Why
I recollect its being played" — here he becomes vague, and after attempting to
recall various theatrical recollections of his childhood, wherein Pantomime is
strongest, he winds up with a general date — " Oh, many years ago." A minority
have come to see it because it is Sheridan's.

In one or two private boxes the ladies, if suddenly questioned as to the author-
ship will venture upon Sir E. Lytton Bulwer. The holders of stalls are
there because Miss Herbert appears in a new character, and care nothing as to
authorship.
During the screen scene they speculate upon the plot in this fashion.
1*^ Young Lady {to Gentleman.) That old fellow {meaning Sir Peter) will tell the
secret.
Toung Gentleman {pretending superior knotoledge.) No, he won't.
2nd Toung Lady {to elderly Gentleman). Dues Sir Oliver {meaning Sir Peter) tell
{refers to bill) Joseph who is behind the screen?

Elderly Gentleman {probably Uncle). No, no {correcting himself by the dim light
of memory.) Yes; but that's Sir Peter, not Sir Oliver {feels a little uncertain after
this statement and refers to bill ; satisfied and becomes authoritative?) Yes, that 's
Sir Peter and the other's not Joseph, it's Charles— {faltering) Sir Charles {refers
to bill again and picks himself up)— no Charles Surface.

At the end of the Act the comment upon the Scene is " that was very good,
wasn't it ? "

The curtain has fallen, Miss Herbert has re-appeared, and the stalls talk about
what they've seen.

1st Toung Lady {enthusiastically). Oh, I have enjoyed
that very much.

Her Papa {impressively). Yes, it does one good to see
one of the old Comedies on the stage.

2nd Toung Lady {surprised). Is it an old piece ?

Her Papa {amused by the question). Old ? It was written
— ah!— {not being quite clear upon this point, he deprecates
her youth) —it was written (Jocosely) before you were born
or thought of.

1st Toung Lady. Wasn't it by Sheridan Knowles ?

Her Papa {not liking to appear puzzled). Yes : that is —
{dubiously as if Sheridan Knowlks had not written the
whole of it.) Yes — yes. {Changes the subject).

Another Toung Lady {to her friend). How did you like
that dress of Lady Teazle's ? {This difficult subject occupies
several minutest)

Toung Gentleman {from Oxford, who is going to a fancy
ball in a few days). Did they wear moustachios with
powder ?

His Friend {rather annoyedat being asked). They P Who ?

Oxford Man. Why, the fellows in this reign. {Looks at
his playbill.)

His Friend {determining upon a course of engaging half-
candour) Well, I don't know exactly what reign it is in.
{Refers to bill and is disappointed?)

Oxford Man {in an offhand manner, meant to convey that
he is really very well up in history). Oh, one of the
Georges.

His Friend. I don't think they wore powder ; let me see
when did — {thinks of a word that will pose his friend pretty
considerably)— periwigs come in?

Oxford Man {who has hitherto carelessly associated the
name with periwinkles and earwigs). Well, the periwig, {ad-
vances very cautiously) — the periwig, was, — er— after the
curls— {gets into deep water) in the Jameses' period — {won-
ders what he means, and repeats to see if he can find out) —
Yes, in {slowly) the Jameses' time — {flounders hopelessly).

His Friend {has half a mind to say, " Ah, but there were
four Jameses", but substitutes). Which James ?

Oxford Alan {getting out of the mess cleverly). Oh, it 's all
much the same thing. {Determines to read up Gibbon or
somebody, and changes the conversation?)

1st Swell to 2ni Swell {lounging with their backs to the
Orchestra). Herbert 's doosid good in it.

2nd Swell. Oh, doosid. {Uses his opera-glasses vaguely.)

1st Swell {critically). It's a doosid good piece, too.

2nd Swell {not to be outdone in criticism). Yas : not bad :
but — ar — nothing without the acting.

1st Swell {who finds it too much trouble to think any
more). Yas; p'raps so : yas.

What do you think of that, Mr. Punch ? If I say that
these are sketched from life, will you believe,

Yours honestly, Little Tom Eaves.

Legal Intelligence.— A Smart young Articled Clerk,
hearing it stated by a lecturer that " man is merely a
machine," remarked, " Then I suppose an attorney may
be said to be a Suing machine."

February 10, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

55

THE WANTS OF DAILY-PAPER LIFE.

unch, — Having been in-
formed by a friend who
was reading the paper,
which he subsequently
kept all to himself for
exactly one hour and a
half, that there was
" nothing in it," I was
obliged to put up with
the advertisement-
sheet. Becoming in-
terested in the wants
and necessities of my
fellow-creatures, I
rummaged among the
contents of a waste-
paper drawer, and from
the dead leaves of the
last few weeks I made
the following extracts:

BOY WANTED to
wait at table and be
generally useful; about 5
f eet 1. Upper Livery found.

";Now," said I to
myself, "what cause
produces this effect ? "
Evidently the Boy was
wanted by a family that
had already employed
one, because they were
possessed of an "upper
livery." The height of
the former youth was,
when he first came,
under five feet, or
exactly five feet one ;
and the boy having,
with the startling rapidity of fungus growth, shot up to five feet three while the livery was
yet new, the necessity for his dismissal became obvious. Hence the advertisement.
Let me present you with another : —

TO YOUNG NOBLEMEN or GENTLEMEN.— A young man of good address, age 23,
would like an ENGAGEMENT as HUMBLE COMPANION. Has a practical knowledge of photography,
understands carpentering, turning, or bookbinding, cleaning guns or rifles ; can ride or drive, and make him-
self useful in any capacity. To travel or otherwise.

This strikes me as emanating from Uriah Heep, Junior. Uriah, you recollect, was so very
'umble. I try to picture to myself a humble companion, and find that I must begin by
imagining a proud young nobleman or a haughty young gentleman. I see the humble
companion crawling in on all-fours into his patron's room in the morning, carrying the hot-
water can in his mouth, as the blind man's dog does the tray. I seem to see him sneaking
off, still on all-fours, with the proud young nobleman's boots, fawning on him when he comes
down to breakfast, and begging for bits of toast to be placed on the tip of his nose until at
the word of command given by the proud young nobleman, he shall toss it up in the air, catch
it in his mouth,' and be satisfied with his morning's meal. His morning's occupation will be
to photograph the proud or haughty nobleman or gentleman in various attitudes. I don't
quite see the " carpentering," unless a pigstye or fowl-house has to be built, or any little
repairs are needed in the house. "Turning" applies to lathe-turning, in wood or ivory,
organ turning, or turning round and round when, in obedience to the haughty one's wish,
he dances a saraband to amuse his master. Turning should also include turning white, or
red, or green, when put before the fire, like the chemically-prepared pictures of the chameleon.
But picturing all this to myself, I cau't fancy Uriah Heep, Junior.

Next :—

TO ARTISTS. — A gentleman, having a large house, in the best part of Islington, is desirous
of meeting with a brother ARTIST to JOIN him, and to SHARE his STUDIO, use of lay figure, if agreeable.

" Now," said I to myself, " here 's an effect : what 's the cause ? " Why was this adver-
tisement inserted ? The reason is patent : he has a " large house in the best part of Islington."
There's a picture of dreariness for you! In it is a bare, dismal-looking, cold, draughty
studio, untenanted save by the lay figure. The lonely artist and the lay figure together,
face to face, in front of the wretched little unwholesome stove that makes a faint pretence of
warming the cheerless apartment. He enters into conversation with this lay figure: heand
the lay figure together decide upon this advertisement : he hopes the lay figure will make
himself agreeable to any companion who may offer himself; and he makes the willingness
of the lay figure to join in the suggested arrangement a condition of its joint use. The
solitary of Islington has, in fact, become thoroughly unhinged, and requires some genial
spirit to join him. What a sensational legend might be written on the subject of the artist
and the lay figure ! The genial brother might attempt to dispel these vapours by proceeding
to dress the figure up as a clergyman, call it clerical and lay rolled into one, poke his melan-
choly friend in the ribs, dance round the studio, and sing of Merry Islington once more.

In the next I find the subject for a cartoon and several smaller pictures : —

A GENTLEMAN who is dispensing with his second COACHMAN wishes to RECOM-
-£* MEND him. He is honest sober, and trustworthy, and without possessing any showy qualities, is well
qualified to drive young ladies or an old lady or gentleman.

The Cartoon would be "A Gentleman dis-
pensing with his Second Coachman." Isn't that
grand ? What an impressive ceremony ! The
Gentleman, in flowered dressing-gown and
Turkish smoking-cap, with bright slippers upon
his gentlemanly feet, blessing with one hand
the kneeling figure of the Second Coachman (in
powdered wig), while in the other he raises aloft
the illuminated parchment whereon is written
the terms of the dispensation. I need not dwell
on the accessories ; but if any of your admirable
artists feel inclined to take the hint, let them
not overlook the form of the First Coachman in
the background. He has been already dispensed
with, and should, I think, be weeping bitterly,
or, from another point of view of his character,
smiling serenely, from cherubic heights, upon the
figure of the Second Coachman.

The Second Coachman is not showy, but
he drives young ladies. There's a subject for
one of your young men, Mr. Punch ! What a
lovely team, with Cupid a3 postilion on the
leaders of an eight-in-hand ! He drives an old
lady, or an old gentleman. I see him saying,
" Gently, gently ! " to some frisky old dowager,
or breathing a stout old gentleman up a hill.

That will do for the present, my dear Punch.

Receive the assurance, &c,

R.USTICUS ExPECTANS.

A SHOUT WAY WITH MUSSULMAN
PILGRIMS.

At the instance of the Emperor oe the
Esench, a Sanitary Conference of delegates from
the Great European Powers is about to meet
at Constantinople with the view of taking mea-
sures to prevent the generation of cholera,
occasioned by the accumulations of filth which
attend the periodical pilgrimages to Mecca,
and other sites of the shrines of Mahomet.

Some obstacle to the operations necessary for
the enforcement of cleanliness is expected to
arise from the fanaticism of the dirty pilgrims.

Fanaticism originates the evil, dirt, whence
cholera springs. The Conference will have to
strike at the root of that evil.

Their proper course will be to remove the
Kaaba Stone from Mecca, and Mahomet's Coffin
from Medina.

Mahomet's Coffin can be deposited in the
British Museum.

The Kaaba Stone can be set up in the Louvre.

Or:-

The Kaaba Stone could be placed in the
British Museum, and the Louvre could receive
Mahomet's Coffin.

Eor the choice between the Kaaba Stone and
the Coffin of Mahomet, M. Drouyn de Lhtjys
and Eael Russell might, on the part of their
respective Governments, toss up.

WASHING PUT OUT.

It has been suggested that the fellows who not
only avail themselves of workhouse shelter and
fare, but who destroy their clothes in order to
be re-clad at the rate-payers' expense, should
be rendered all the fitter for new garments by
means of ten minutes' lavation. The spout of a
fire-engine is to supply the douche. In the case
of the worst class this might not be improper
treatment, and it would enable the officials to
add a line to the triumphant chant in which the
offenders proclaim their character : —

Sturdy Beggar.
Here we are, and here we goes,
We are the beggars that tears up our clothes !

Officials.
And we are the beadles that turns on the hose !

56

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 10, 1866.

THE MOTHER OF INVENTION.

MRS. FRED DOESN'T CARE HOW LONG SHE SITS FOR HER "DEAR FRED," SO LONG AS HER "DARLING FREDDY'

SAFE PLACE WHERE HE CAN'T GET INTO MISCHIEF.

IS IN SOME

GOING DOWN TO THE HOUSE.

The Speaker 's re-elected,

The Session has begun,
For Qoeen's Speech, long expected,

The old yarns have been spun.
The Address (of yarns no newer)

Moved and seconded as well —
As ill, perhaps, were truer,

Were truth a thing to tell.

Now quidnuncs and gobemouches,

May watch along Whitehall,
Collective Wisdom's douches,

Descend in frequent fall.
Alone, in pairs and trios,

Housewards the Members stroll;
Some, names for cautious Clio's

Recording on her roll,

And some which now bawled shrilly,

As yon old clothesman's cry,
The world (therein not silly)

Would willingly let die.
Names whose Dutch-metal glory

Already 's on the go ;
And whose echo in our story,

Will be e'en as that " Old Clo* ! "

Her Majesty's patrician

And plebeian servants all ;
Ministers, Opposition,

Who give or take the wall ;
The Treasury-bench in esse,

Or in posse; grave and gay;
Men whose fathers fought at Cressy,

And mushrooms of a day ;

Whippers-in, gently petting

The new hounds ot their packs ;
Railway directors, sweating

'Neath the jobs piled on their backs ;
Squires great on bovine races ;

Lawyers, like cabs, " at call ; "
Some great men of small places,

In a large place feeling small.

'Tis strange how Lords and Commons,

Snob and swell, squire and clown,
Proclaim themselves, on summons,

To the House " going down."
If our wise ones, who thus gather,

The highest places crown,
The answer should be rather,

" Going up " than " going down."

But alas, to judge by quality

Of measures and of votes ;
By the jobbery and venality,

The turn of talk and coats;
By the House's odds and evens,

Its rebuke and its renown,
Most members to St. Stephens

Too truly do "go down."

For thee, my stout Earl Russell,

Who prepar'st to face the storm,
And re-test thine ancient muscle

'Gainst the hard knot of Reform.
Thy least consideration place,

On John Bright's smile or frown,
Let 's hope that thine will prove a case

Of going up, not " down."

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI— February 10, 1866.

GOING DOWN TO THE HOUSE.

Lord Russell. "WELL, BRIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Johunt Bright. "ANYTHING YOUR HONOUR IS WILLING TO GIVE ME NOW."

February 10, 1866.]

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHAKIVART.

59

fmwjr's CaMe-ftalh.

385.
I Hope to see all the Water Companies swept away, and London
supplied, on the non-intermission principle, from the Bala Lake, or
better, from the head waters of the Severn, by Plinlimmon. It is dis-
graceful that the metropolis of the world should be worse off than
Glasgow, and half a dozen obscure cities in the north of England.
Every house in it could have water up to the garret, and the natural
fall would send up a fountain in Smithfield to the height of St. Paul's.

386.
In St. Kilda all the inhabitants catch cold when a stranger arrives.
I usually catch one, which confines me to my room, when a stranger
proposes to arrive, and I don't want him.

387.
Grammar is thought to have improved. Yet many rich but honest
people are not cured of writing that they will have much pleasure in
accepting your invitation.

388.
You are aware that the Beaver is not a beast, or at least that the
Catholic Church permits its being devoured during fasts. Hence, I
suspect, came the old vow, " If I don't do it, I '11 eat my Hat."

389.

Don't you know what the Black Ball line of packets is ? These are
the boats in which men bolt from society when they have been pilled at
the Clubs.

390.

The nucleus of our planet is supposed to consist of unoxidised masses,
the metalloids of the alkalies, and the earths. Volcanic activity is
excited in the nucleus by the access of water and air. But the diffi-
culty, as I told Humboldt, that I feel as to the penetration of water
into the volcanic focus arises from consideration of the opposing pres-
sure of the external column of water and the internal lava, and the
deficiency of burning hydrogen gas during the explosion. Perhaps
some of you may like to go into the next room and meditate on the
subject, while I finish my wine.

391.

Who would not have flowers on his tomb for ever and ever, when he
can secure that ornament for a payment of ten guineas to a Cemetery
Company ? Flowers for ever for the price of four pounds of Weeds.

392.

Many attempts have been made to define the Height of Assurance.
I should, were I interested in the profits, say that it had been reached
by the Assurance Society that has just given £1000 to the new school
scheme. Not being interested, I rejoice that an excellent fund is so
much the richer.

393.

Greenock — the most detestable place extant — has been suddenly
covered with glory. A gentleman from that place, Dns. Morton, has
won the blue ribbon of Cambridge. I put it, in a friendly way, to
Greenock, that as it is now illustrious for ever, it would be a noble
thing to burn itself down in honour of the Senior Wrangler.

394.
I don't bother boys with books in the holidays. But this Christmas
the weather was detestable, and when my boys had tumbled over the
banisters about forty times, and done all the mischief that was incon-
ceivable, they wearied for something to do. So I thought that they
might as well read a little Prench. To this end, I had an interview
with a young gentleman who stated that he had lived many years in
Prance, and was quite up to the language. By way of test I respect-
fully handed him the Tartuffe, and begged him to write me a translation
of the first few lines. Elmire, you know, asks Madame Pernette why
she is leaving the house. She answers —

" C'est que je ne puis vois tout ce menage-ci,
Et que de me eomplaire on ne prend mil souci."

Having smoked half a weed, I returned to the study, and the proposed
tutor smilingly handed me a traduction, in which the above lines were
thus rendered : —

" It is because I do not see all the family here,
And because to compliment me you take no care."

This he explained to be not only a faithful translation, but also
English poetry. I did not engage that party.

395.
I will name to you five truly great men who cared nothing for music.
Burke, Pox, Dr. Johnson, Pitt, Macintosh.

396.
When Shelley's most glorious poem appeared, Charles Lamb
wrote to his bookseller to send him Prometheus Unbound. He duly
received the Greek play— in boards.

397.
Now then, owl. Is that the way to blow out a wax candle ? If you
don't want it to smoulder, and all the wick to waste away, serve it as I
serve you— blow it up.

398.
In' 1831 — it was on a Wednesday in the November— I was in the pit
of the Adelphi. A man rose up, during the play, and complained to
Mr. Frederick Yates, who was then on the stage, that a lady in
front would not take off her big blue bonnet, which prevented the com-
plainant from seeing what was going on. " Sir," said Mr. Yates,
severely, "you ought to have too much of the gallantry of an English-
man to desire anything that could be inconvenient to a lady." The
house cheered the Manager, and the grumbler bolted. Nevertheless,
I thought and think, that he had grounds for growls, and if he is alive,
it may comfort him to know my opinion.

399.
I like the enthusiastic old .Herald who pitied Adam because he had
no opportunity of studying genealogy.

400.
A man who goes out to breakfast (if he have a breakfast at home) is
an idiot whom it were gross flattery to call a fool.

401.
The love of evil is the root of all money. Consider this well, for I
see you don't understand it.

402.
I Will give this last salmon cutlet to the first who tells me who
Cockus Was. I pause for a reply. All dumb ? Then I eat it myself,
informing your ignorances that one Cock, translated into Cockus by
Camden, was the only English officer killed when we smashed up the
Armada. Wine to the memory of the gallant Cockus.

403.
My friends'the Academicians have no such advantages as painters in
former days had. For instance, Mahomet the Second, wishing to con-
vince Bellini, the artist, that he had made some little mistake in a
picture of the beheading of John the Baptist, called a slave to him,
and cut off his head, there and then, in order to illustrate the criticism.

404.

Pass the Burgundy. Do you know that Austrigilda, a beautiful
queen of that country, being about to die, ordered her two doctors to
be killed and buried with her ? I think there was a sense of humour
in this lady.

405.

When the next ruffian who has received his sentence from the Beak
declares that " he can do that lot on his head," make him try the first
half hour in that attitude, aided by a rope and a beam. I don't think
we should hear the vaunt repeated, after the result had been made
known in Scoundrelia.

406.

I retract my abuse of the West, A courteous Bristolian, to whom I
tender my best thanks, has sent me documents giving a capital account
of Pen Park Hole. I fear that it is not quite so awful as could be
wished, but it is a place to see, and I intend to descend into it. The
poor clergyman was lost there on the 27th March, 1775.

407.
The only railway scheme in which we are very much interested is the
Mid London. Mad London wants it. So does Mud London.

408.
It is to run underground, five miles and a half, from Shepherd's Bush
to Parringdon Street. By the Marble Arch, Bond Street, Hanover
Square, Soho Square, Drury Lane, Lincoln's Inn, Middle Row, and
Hatton Garden. Cost, two millions and a half. If the stations are put
in the right places (which they seldom are) this line will be a blessing,
and we shall never go into the streets at all. The shopkeepers will be
frantic, but it will serve the whole commercial world just right, for its
insolent and selfish neglect to keep the thoroughfares reasonably clear
and clean. I hope the bill will pass.

409.
As for the railway people, of all sorts, we owe them no consideration.
If any existing lines hinder the laying of good new ones, Parliament
must remember that what it gave, it can take away. Cut through rail-
ways as unceremoniously as the railways cut through our houses,
churches, and estates.

410.
Gentlemen. Potaturus vos saluto. The Session having now com-
menced, it will be necessary for me to talk in Parliament. Averse to
double trouble, I shall, for the present, favour you with no more of

IWBJfr WMt*€ A,

60

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.

[February 10, 1866.

JONES,

AS HE APPEARED WHEN BEING TOLD THAT HE "WAS "SO DREADFULLY

SATIRICAL."

A SPIRITUAL APPEAL TO THE ARCHBISHOP
OF CANTERBURY.

(BY NICHOLAS BRADY AND NAHUM TATE.)

Let Parliament of them beware

That would, with specious aim,
Revise the Book of Common Prayer,

And would abridge the same.
A measure to effect that end

Is forward to be brought,
As we are told that some intend,

Bat may it come to naught !

For they that would that book amend

We feel, with boding qualms,
Would first of all excise the end,

Our version of the Psalms.
Some say we have, the truth to tell,

And they are not a few,
Turned Holy Writ to doggerel,

Which they would fain eschew.

The text of David's Psalms, alone,

All sacred and sublime,
We have corrupted with our own,

'Tis said, to make it rhyme.
Our lines are set, they further carp,

To tunes grotesque and queer,
Composed, unmeet for David's harp,

To suit a Beadle's ear.

O let not innovation rash

Our psalter e'er discard,
As though by name imputing trash

To Royal Hebrew Bard ;
But let it evermore remain

As pointed to be sung
In churches, to parochial strain,

By parish children young.

Devout Churchwardens do suppose

The cherub-choir so sings,
With chubby face and small snub nose,

And else all head and wings ;
Such cherubs as are carved on pews,

And tombstones do adorn.
Consent not Brady to disuse,

Nor cast off Tate in scorn.

EEENCH CANARDS AND ENGLISH GEESE.

Really we grow more and more astonished every day to find how
perfectly the French are acquainted with the social habits of the
English. "Our lively neighbours," as we call them, are alive to every
change in our customs or costumes, and nothing can escape their
vigilant attention. When one reflects how widely distant their shores
are from our own : when one considers that it takes no less than ninety
minutes to cross over the Channel ; and that a man may dine in Paris,
and breakfast the next morning with his friends in Lesterre Squar :
one is astonished by the knowledge which the Erench have somehow
managed to acquire about our ways of life and private goings on.
Everything we do, or say, or think, seems to be known to tbem, and
all our little eccentricities of etiquette and fashion are patent to their
eye, and most minutely understood.

As the press is now acknowledged as the centre of intelligence, we
are not surprised to notice that the journalists of France are eminently
conversant with our peculiarities, and singularly accurate in their
description of whatever may concern our English life. Remotely
distant as they are from us in geographical position, French writers
somehow manage to pick up an amazing knowledge of our habits, and
were they born and bred among us they could hardly be more perfectly
acquainted with our ways. For instance, see how truthfully a writer
in the Univers describes a social practice which at Christmastide in
England, we all know, is widely prevalent : —

" It is customary in that country of spleen for every gentleman who is admitted
into Society to send a fat goose at Christmas to the lady of the house he is in the
habit of visiting. Beautiful women receive a whole magazine of eatables in their
drawing-rooms ; and are thus enabled-by an ingenious calculation to ascertain the
number of their friends or their suitors by that of the fat geese sent them. So many
geese, so many lovers. In England a goose is sent instead of a love letter. It is
very original, like everything that is English."

If our French friend had but thought of it, he might with equal
truth have stated that this curious English custom, of presenting a fat
goose to the lady one loves best, has been lately ascertained to be of
ancient Roman origin, and to have been practised since the days of
Squintus Cubtius, who, through obliquity of vision, fell into a sawpit

and was smothered in dust. The custom is referred to by the poet
Virgil, in the famous line beginning, " Quot anseres, tot amantes,"
which is one of the most splendid specimens now extant of hexameter
Greek verse. Geese were always reverenced as sacred birds in ancient
Rome, from the fact that in a certain monetary crisis which occurred
during the Second Consulship of Plancus, large flocks of them
succeeded in laying golden eggs, and thus saved the Roman capitalists
from having to shell out.

Through the labours of the British Antiquarian Society, some
interesting documents have lately been discovered, which prove very
completely that the practice of presenting a fat goose, as a love-token,
was introduced to England in the reign of Julius Sneezar, who came
over for the purpose of buying some Scotch snuff. That the custom
soon took root, and became extremely popular, may be gathered from
the frequent allusions to its costliness which occur in Chaucer,
Congreve, Colley, Cjbba, and Ben Thompson, and other needy
poets of the prse-Shakspearian age. Thus, Spenser in his ballad of
" The Done Brown Maid," makes Daphne rail against the stinginess of
Damon for giving her a lean duckling in lieu of a fat goose, which,
owing to the poultry plague (a forerunner of our Rinderpest), and con-
sequent extraordinary dearness of provisions, he could not well afford.
So Dryden, too, bewails his pitiable plight, on the occasion of his
having prepared the usual love-gift when, as the old black-letter
chronicle relates ;

" W #«? into" jumpe o'er £e flar&emte sate,
Stta intae u« $3autrte ije pofewa" I)te pate ;
a ganif fattc %aa$z Ije tfjere frjrrtf £e,
«Mjo, rru0ti) js>nr 3&eitarif3 Ijere '£ atmtere for me I "

The poet Smollett, also, alludes to this quaint custom in a sonnet
which is likewise extant in black letter, and which for the benefit of our
French friends we may cite : —

" 2 ijabe mg JLnbe a fatte, fattc %ua$z,
'^toatf fjatcfjnif elite in Suite:

February 10, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARI.

61

<gba\xt its Ijean" gty t put a naa&e,

&nif ijattflott it ful gaane :
§>$ pennies sofltt I tfjug &ntn00ge ;

Hfra %Labt Qtts out of ttu«."

Expensive as the custom was, however, it was not permitted to fall
into disuse. Thrifty parents probably insisted on their daughters
keeping up the practice, and young ladies were paternally encouraged
in flirtation, for the sake of the fat geese which thus might be obtained.
Girls, doubtless, were forbidden to dance with a young gentleman whose
income seemed uncertain, lest at Christmas he might fail to send the
tributary goose.

But, be this as it may, the custom somehow has been handed down
from the dark ages, and never was more popular than in our own
enlightened times. As our Trench friends are aware, the course of true
love here in England never can run smoothly, unless a goose be yearly
presented as a love-gift. Half the breach of promise cases reported in
our newspapers, arise from some neglect of this universal practice.
Perhaps irom being viewed as a good emblem of a lover, a goose is
thought to be the fittest tribute of affection ; and young ladies never
dream of simpering their " Ask Mamma ! " until they have assurance
that Christmas-tide will bring them the usual Christmas gift. Every-
body knows that in genteel society it is usual for fiancees to wear the
beaks and head plumes of the geese their lovers send them, pour encou-
rager les autres ; and flirts may frequently be seen with a score or so of
goose-necks dangling round their waists, like the scalps which Indian
warriors wear to show how many enemies their tomahawk has slain.
In fact, the goose is worshipped here as the bird sacred to Venus, just
as with Minerva is identified the owl. The first step to success with a
young suitor is the goose-step ; and when he is accepted, it is usual for
his friends to tell him that his goose is cooked.

THE FENIAN CENTRE.

Tone—" The Sprig of Shillelagh."

ch, love^ is the soul of a 'cute

Fenian !
What he loves is the swag,

and he grabs all he can,
With his Office of Centre,

and Circle so green.
His heart is malignant, his

head is unsound,
But in it an eye to the main-
chance is found.
He plots, and conspires, and

he howls, and he fights,
Eor swag, all for swag, for in

that he delights,
With his Office of Centre,

and Circle so green.

Who has e'er to New York
had of late to repair ?

A Eenian all in his glory is
there,

With his Office of Centre,
and Circle so green.

His course all so clear, with-
out hindrance or check,

No fear of a halter slipped
round his nate neck.

He goes to his Lodge, raves
against England's Crown,
And there they fall out and he knocks his friends down,
With his Office of Centre, and Circle so green.

To business returning, when homeward he goes,
Subscriptions pour in, and he pockets all those,

With his Office of Centre, and Circle so green.
He meets with a Yankee, who, grinning a smile,
Cries, " Wal, I 3ay, Pat, I conclude you've struck ile,"
To the bar then they go, liquor up after that,
And you next in his carriage reclining see Pat,

With his Office of Centre and Circle so green.

Clear the country, I say, that gave Patrick his birth,
Clear the land of the oak and the neighbouring earth,

Erom the Office of Centre, and Circle so green.
Sweep the Eenians clean off the banks of the Shannon ;
They may plant in New York or Chicago their cannon.
Distracted and dished, at Disloyalty's shrine,
May the Irish Republic in vapour decline,

With its Office of Centre, and Circle so green !

ACCOMMODATION FOE, IRELAND.

(To the Editor of Punch.)

Sir,

At a numerous and influential meeting of noblemen, merchants,
and capitalists, the other day in Dublin, it was unanimously resolved
that Government ought to aid the development of Railway enterprise
in Ireland, by lending Irish railway companies money at a low rate of
interest in order to relieve them from the load of debt which they are
at present burdened with.

This proposal excites the ridicule of the selfish and cold-hearted Saxon.

Sir, the expectation of poor old Ireland, when every now and then
pecuniary difficulties come about her, to be lifted out of her embarrass-
ments and liberated from her obligations by a little advance out of the
pockets of her wealthier sister, what is it, after all, more than any
gentleman, that wants to maintain himself as such, naturally expects
at the hands of his rich relations ? Whenever he gets into trouble
he applies to them for assistance, and, if they are of the right sort, they
give it him, without hesitation, and without superfluous remonstrance.

Good and generous relations are those that encourage you in all your
speculations, and, as often as your schemes miscarry, pay the expenses
of your misadventures, take your losses on themselves, and supply you
with the means of making a fresh start.

Shabby, mean, ungenerous relations are they that, when you tell
them of any undertaking that you mean to attempt, offer you advice,
which you don't want, and don't lend you money, which you do. They
advise you to give up your project instead of supplying you with the
means of executing it, because they foresee (and be hanged to them)
that you will fail. In case of your attempting it, and not succeeding,
they remind you that they told you so, and when you have recourse to
them for relief from the liabilities you have contracted, make your dis-
regard of the warning they gave you their paltry excuse for refusing to
bear the consequences of your failure, and declining, with redoubled
stinginess, to give you a chance of retrieving your prospects at their
own contemptible expense.

Sir, the devil fly away with such dirty calculating creatures ! Give
me the relations that will behave like buffers when I tumble back
upon them, presenting cushions to break my fall, and acting as with
springs to set me up again, tacitly acknowledging their simple duty to
render me those necessary services as a matter of course.

Sir, a nation is made up of individuals, and nothing short of what will
satisfy the latter will satisfy the former. You would not think, now, that
the ingenuous remarks foregoing were addressed to you by a Scotchman

and not An Irishman.

P.S. You may talk, in your cold-blooded way, of legislating for poor
old Ireland, but the only Bill thab she wants is one which you must
accept yourselves, and renew as often as it becomes payable.

A HAIR'S BREADTH ESCAPE.

Dialogue * said to have been overheard at a French watering-place, and which migh t
have been overheard at some English ones.

Anxious Mamma (as she sees her Buck of a Daughter take the water).
My darling child ! You are going in with your back-hair on !

Duck of a Daughter (who combines a regard to appearances with a
prudent eye to the hair-dresser's bill). No, Mamma, it's last Season's
hair.

* Madame. Malheureuse ! Tu te baignes dans tes cheveux !
Mademoiselle. Non, Maman — ce sont les cheveux de Tannee paasee.

Putting Up and Putting Down.

Ailments are bad, but worse, too oft, are cures.

We raised a Board of Works to put down sewers ;

The sewers they have put down, Thwaites and his Turks —

And now 'tis who '11 put down the Board of Works ?

Self-Complacency in Plush.

" Ha ! " exclaimed Mr. John Thomas, standing with his coat-tails
drawn forwards and his back to the kitchen-fire, " I've heer'd a good
deal about the cattle complaint, but am appy to say it aven't yet
attacked my calves."

ANOTHER BLOW AT THE CHURCH.

What! The Arc hbts hops of Canterbury and York to be no
longer Trustees of the British Museum !
This is what comes of Essays and Reviews, Rationalism, and Colenso !

The Allies of Spain in her war against her South-American Ex-
dependencies. — Block-ade and Rhodomont-ade.

62

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Fbbbuaby 10, 1866.

MILITARY MANOEUVRE.

Captain Havanner {to Old Gent, who looks as if he would object to Smoking). " Beg pardon, would you object to Change tour
Carriage? Lady here — Large Family — Lots op Luggage — Young Children — Eldest Boy just through the Measles — Baby
Teething "

Old Gent (with alacrity). " Oh, certainly ! certainly ! "

[Has the satisfaction of seeing the Lady still on the Platform when the Train starts, while the Captain has the Carriage to himself.

THE BOLD GOVERNOR EYRE AND THE BULLS
OF EXETER HALL.

(A Song for the Streets.)

On the right of the Strand, as you walk to the West,
The street of all London the finest and best,
You '11 see a Greek word on a portico tall :
The building behind it is Exeter Hall.

There people resort to hear spouters abuse
Mahommedans, Catholics, Pagans, and Jews,
Ex-drunkards talk cant, Irish clergymen brawl,
And fanatics howl nonsense in Exeter Hall.

The victim, just now, of its blather and blare,
Is a brave British gentleman, Governor Eyre,
Who, for saving Jamaica with powder and ball,
Has roused all the malice of Exeter Hall.

The Hall has its Pets, whom you must not attack,
And chiefly it pets Quashi-Bungo tbe black :
And if Quashi-Bungo quotes words from St. Paul,
It 's ready to kiss him, is Exeter Hall.

At times Quashi-Bungo from Scripture refrains,

And chops up white people, and scoops out their brains :

Uprises at once the'philanthropist squall,

" Of course you provoked him," says Exeter Hall.

Eor some horrible murders performed by the Pet,
Eire gave him a lesson he '11 never forget,
" You monster, you wretch ! Quashi-Bungo to maul ;
" We '11 hang you at Newgate," cries Exeter Hall.

" We '11 hear," says John Bull, " hold your jabber and row,
I 've known my old friend, Mr. Eyre, before now."
" He's a Nero, a Jeffreys, a Governor Wall,"
Cries, screaming with passion, mad Exeter Hall.

Now John stops his ears to fanatical spite,
And suspects Quashi-Bungo was served very "right,
But he '11 hear the whole story, not told in the drawl
And spasmodic bewailings of Exeter Hall.

But if, when the tale of Jamaica is told,
The Queen gives her thanks to the Governor bold,
What a bellow will burst from the favourite stall
Of the big bulls of Bashan in Exeter Hall !

GOOD NEWS.

There is some hope for an end of the Rinderpest at last. The cows
have taken up the subject. We rejoice to find, from a Bristol paper,
that they have called a meeting. Here is the advertisement, and we
hope that many influential cows will attend : —

NOTICE.— A MEETING OF THE MILK-PRODUCERS in and
around the City of Bristol will be holden in the Large Room at the BUNCH
OP GRAPES, Nicholas Street, on THURSDAY Next, at Three o'clock in the
Afternoon."

Ecclesiastical Intelligence.

We have our usual authority to announce that in the contemplated
revision of the Prayer Book, it is proposed to substitute for the Psalter
of Nicholas Bbadt and Nahum Tate a new version of the Psalms
by Alfred Tennyson and Robert Browning.

Printed by William Bradburv, of No. 13, TTpper Woburn Place, in tbe Parisb of St. Pancras, in tbe County of Middlesex, and Frederick1 MuHett Evans, of No. 11, Bouverie Street, in) tbe Precinct of
Whiiefriars, City of London, Frint-ra, at their Office in Lombard Street, in tbe Precinct of WUiiefriars, City of London, and published uy ttteni at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Biide, City
of London.— Saturday, February 10, 1866.

February 17, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

63

i

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

tjch to the gratification of
Her subjects, Her Ma-
jesty, in person, opened
Parliament on Tuesday
the Sixth of February.
The Queen has not per-
formed this ceremony
during the last five years,
and the reason for the
Sovereign's seclusion

would render it unbe-
coming for Mr. Punch to
say any word upon the
subject of Her re-appear-
ance, except that it greatly
rejoiced the nation and
himself.

Lord Chancellor
Cranworth read the
Speech. As Mr. Punch
could not hear many words
of it, he occupied himself
with considering whether
it was likely to be true
that when a certain Chan-
cellor reassumed office, he
was congratulated by a
very great personage with
the remark, " See how much better it is to be good than clever." Mr. Punch decided
in the negative just as Lord Cran worth left off.

The Speech was of enormous length, which the summary of it certainly will not be.
These were the points : —

1. Our Helena here has accepted Prince Christian of Schleswig-Holstein there.

Regret at the demise of King Leopold.

All right with foreign powers.

Meeting of French and English fleets promoted amity.

Happy that the American war is over.

Very happy that American Slavery is over

2.
3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.
10.
11

We have nearlv annihilated the West African slave trade.

You shall see the Alabama correspondence

Portugal has made it up between us and Brazil.

France and we are trying to make it up between Spain and Chili.

Excellent treaty with the Mikado, and revision of tariff.

12. Commercial treaty with Austria.

13. Quashi-bungo, the Commission, and the new Jamaican Government.

14. N early all our soldiers are to come back from New Zealand.

15. Union of the British North American provinces.

16. The Rinderpest. A law to be made.

17. Estimates, Economy, Efficiency.

18. The condition of trade is satisfactory.

19. The Fenians have caught it.

20. A law about Capital Punishment.

21. A new Bankruptcy law.

22. Improvement of the Public Audit.

23. And of the law as to certain pensions.

24. A uniform Parliamentary Oath for all religionists.

25. Parliamentary Reform. Lord Russell is making inquiries, and when they are made,

and he knows his own intentions, the attention of Parliament shall be called to the
result, with a view to such improvements as may tend to strengthen our free insti-
tutions, and conduce to the public welfare.

26. The accustomed prayer.

The Queen kissed the Princess of Wales, to Mr. Punch's great delight, and the inaugural
ceremonial ended.

Probably during the many centuries through which Mr. Punch intends to chronicle the pro-
ceedings of the Legislature, he will never have an opportunity of tying up the first night's
Debates on the Addresses in so very small a parcel as in this year of grace, 1866.

In the House of Hereditary Wisdom, Lord Normanby and Lord Morley moved and
seconded the Address. The second Lord is hereby consigned to a happy immortality by Mr.
Punch's record of the fact that his Lordship spoke so well as to receive a splendid compliment
from Lord Derby, who, as translator of the speeches of Ulysses, Nestor, and Thersites,
should be a good judge of oratorical eloquence.

Dukes Rutland and Richmond talked Rinderpest. So did Lords Feversham, Essex,
and Winchelsea. All united in abusing the Government for doing too much and too little.

Earl Granville defended his colleagues. They had given the subject every attention,
but Nanoleonic action was impossible in England. The Lords had been told in the Speech
that a Bill was to be introduced.

Lord Carnarvon scoffed at the defence,- and said that unless we put down the Rinder-
pest by Lady Day, landlords would be bankrupts and tenants would be ruined.

Lord Abercorn praised the Government for having at last dealt with the Fenians, but he
obligingly added that the repression had been postponed until after the elections, in order to
catch Fenian votes. The work should have been done long ago.

Earl Grey severely blamed Government both about the Rinderpest and about Reform.

On the latter question, Earl Russell was obey-
ing Mr. Bright. A Bill for merely extending
the franchise would be a sham and a delusion.
Delay was of no consequence— let us have a
comprehensive and satisfactory measure. There
were much more pressing matters, such as Ire-
land, Canada, Emigration, Factory-Children,
Labour and Capital. The speech was a good
one, but it may without disrespect be said that
the politician who has ever devised anything
entirely satisfactory to Lord Grey has not the
honour of being among the acquaintances of
Mr. Punch.

The Duke of Argyll having assured the
Lords that Government had done all that was
right in regard to the cattle,

Lord Derby went through the points in the
Speech, banteringly observing upon the extreme
pleasure with which he assented to its common-
places. On the Jamaican question he reserved
judgment, but thought the Government had
behaved exceedingly ill to Governor Eyre,
and in a way that Lord Palmerston would
never have behaved to a valuable public officer
in a difficult position. He cited Lord Palmer-
ston's declaration that if you did not stand by
your officers, you would not get high-minded
English gentlemen to serve. you. A triumph had
been given to Quashi-bungo, and a roving
commission, which could not examine on oath,
had been sent out to pick up evidence against
Mr. Eyre. The Earl stated that his own
Government had convicted Fenians, who were
instantly released by his successors. He made
some hits at the course taken as to reform, on
which he believed that the Ministers had not
made up their minds. If the Bill should be a
good one, it should have the cordial support of
the Conservatives, and if not, they would do
their best to throw it out.

Earl Russell, who was pleased instantly to
drop into his best mumbletonian oratory, was
understood to say that such a number of blacks
had been executed that it was necessary to
inquire into the subject, and that the displacing
M r. Eyre was necessary to a full investigation.
The Jamaicans were to be convoked to give the
Commission the power of imposing an oath.
[Suppose that they will not, having already
voted that Mr. Eyre had been a great public
benefactor?] He added a defence of his own
opposition to the Derby Reform Bill.

Earl Melville told the Government that
Mr. Cardwell had behaved most properly to
Mr. Eyre, but that Lord Russell had ill-treated
him to gain the political support of a fanatical
party.

After these pleasing exchanges, the Lords
unanimously voted the Address.

In the Commons the " talk was of bullocks,"
and nothing else, until adjournment at midnight.

Wednesday. Swearing.

Thursday. Lord Carnarvon complained that
Sir George Grey (Head, we presume, of the
Anglican branch of the Catholic Church) had
declined to order a day of fasting and humilia-
tion because of the Rinderpest. The Home-
Office Hierarch's reason was, that such demon-
strations should be made only in cases of
national, not local, affliction. Earl Russell
reminded the pious Carnarvon that a prayer
had already been constructed to meet the case.
If it continue to be ineffectual, involuntary fasting
will be the rule with large numbers of persons.

An Irish debate in the Commons elicited a
vote, by 25 Members against 346, that Fenianism
was the result of grievances which Government
ought to redress. A few English Members were
in the minority, and among them was Mr. Stuart
Mill, who gave his support to a proposition
which Mr. Gladstone, admitting the necessity
of progressive legislation for Ireland, eloquently
condemned. When such men differ, who shall
blame boobies for bewilderment P

VOL. L.

64

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 17, 1866.

Friday. Lord Chelmsford demanded information as to the con-
dition and chances of the Abyssinian captives. Lord Clarendon said
that Mr. Rassam had been sent on a mission to King Theodore, and
that there were some hopes of his success. This affair is being horribly
bungled, and English [prestige is being frittered away. In all probability
the result will be, we fear, an unpleasant one for the captives, and, we
hope, a still more unpleasant one for the Abyssinian king.

On the report on the Commons address, Sir John Pakington
severely reproved Mr. Bright for language he used, at a meeting, in
reference to Governor Eyre, whom Mr. Bright had prejudged. The
Member for Birmingham was impenitent, and said what would have

been legitimately effective had it been reasonably just. Mr. Bouverie,
following Mr. Potter, said that there had been " too much Pottering
with the Reform question," and intimated, as the representative of a
strong party among the Liberals, that a mere lowering of franchise
would not be acceptable, and that the subject ought to be settled for
the present century. So said other Liberals. Mr. Gladstone, who,
as Earl Russell told a deputation, will have to expound the Reform
Bill, must be in 'a state of justifiable irritability, as he is at present
debarred from making'preparations for an oration, which no doubt will
be regarded as one of the events of his life. It is disheartening work
to air splendid decorations which may have to", be put away again.

WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED.

Supposing Farmer Wapshot had run up to Town
on the First of February, to consult his Mem-
ber about a National Cattle Insurance,

When he went down to the House,

He would surely -

Have been mistaken- ^ FoR A Member of Parliament.

Although he might not have been elected
Speaker,

He would probably have taken the Oaths

And his Seat

Tlien, what would have become of Hijv

A Handy Excuse.

A Most elegant lady was taken up for kleptomania, when a gentle-
man present said, " It was all owing to her taper hand." " And pray,
what has that to do with it P " inquired the unsuspecting Magistrate.
"Why, Sir, you see it accounts naturally for her being light-fingered."

Ornithology.

The Dodo is not extinct. This bird's name, when written in full, is
known to all Ornithologists as the Ditto-ditto ; epistolary necessities
have reduced the title to Do-do.

Yours truly, A. V. Airy.

I -

February 17, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

65

BAD CUSTOMER.

Landlady. "What Gentleman's Luggage is this, Sam?"

Ancient Waiter. "Ge'tleman's Luggage, 'm ! 'Or' bleshyer, no, Mum! That's artis's traps, that is. They'll 'ave Tea here
to-night, take a little lodgin* to-morrow, and there they'll be a loafin' about the place for months, doin' no good to
Nobody ! "

SUBURBS OF EASE.

According to the South London Chronicle, two distinct projects, to
be worked out by as many joint-stock companies (limited), are on. foot
in philanthropic and commercial circles, with a view to the creation, in
the neighbourhood of London, of suburban villages. That is to say,
one of these projects is contemplated in a philanthropic circle ; the
other in a commercial circle. The former, aiming to provide suitable
houses for the working-classes, relies on the principle that a gift to the
poor is a loan on the safest possible security ; the latter, intending
simply to make money, " is based on the assumption that capitalists
may obtain good dividends."

These two projects, both the one designed by Benevolence, and the
other [devised by; Acquisitiveness, would, under conditions, deserve to
be encouraged jby the Society for the Preservation of Commons and
Open Spaces. [Let the proposed suburban villages be created in
neighbourhoods sufficiently remote from London to keep the villages
distinct, and sufficiently uninteresting, to render their creation an im-
provement. The new suburban villages will then preserve the old from
suffocation by housing the increase of population that threatens to fuse
them together into a mere expansion of London. Dreary wastes will
give place to lively dwellings, and pleasant wilds will be spared.

Good name in man or woman, we all know, is the immediate jewel of
their souls • and the character of our old villages about London and
elsewhere, is precious too. Suffer it not to be destroyed by speculative
builders ! Regulate the extension of large towns. Make them spread
in patches. A grove of chimneys is not better than a grove of trees.
Dr. Johnson never would have said it was, if he had not been purblind.
Both groves are good in their way, however. Let groves of trees in-
tervene between groves of chimneys. There are, not too far from
London, plenty of wastes neither useful nor ornamental, which, excepted
from the wholesome prohibitions of an Anti-Inclosure Bill, would afford
ample scope to both Benevolence and Acquisitiveness for the creation of
suburban villages.

A CARD.

Madame Raffael begs to inform her friends and patronesses, and
the beau monde generally, that she has succeeded to the business of
cheek-painter and plasterer, in the atelier lately occupied by Mad'lle
Canidia, who, having realised a handsome fortune, has retired from
the trade.

Having had great practice in the art of facial decoration, Madame
Raffael feelsj great confidence in offering her services to ladies whose
fair charms show symptoms of decay. By the use of her restoratives,
the ravages of time and dissipation are concealed, and a youthful bloom
diffused upon an old and wrinkled cheek. Crowsfeet, spots and freckles
are carefully effaced, and premature grey hairs are, at the wearer's
pleasure, either reddened or removed. Lips are freshened up for pur-
poses of flirting, and made suitable for public use beneath the mistletoe.
Complexions are made capable of the semblance of a blush, while a
pearly hue is given to the yellowest of teeth.

It being now the mode for ladies every other day or so to change the
colour of their hair, Madame Raffael has on hand a vast variety of
dyes, ready to be used at any moment's notice, and warranted to wear
well in the very warmest room. Chignons supplied of the fashionable
hue, as well as raven ringlets which may be worn for mourning, and
glossy nut-brown tresses to be made up into watch-chains for senti-
mental friends.

N.B. Cracked Complexions made as good as new. Repairs neatly
executed, and with prompt despatch.

ON THE TASHIONABLE COLOURED HAIR.

" Deary me," said old Mrs. Guy, " why now-a-days all the young
gals is light headed."

Medical.— The lights of the Metropolis are very bad indeed, and no
wonder when they have been suffering so long from a gas-trick fever.

66

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 17, 1866.

LAYS OF LAMBETH,

Lambeth Union House, Old Men's Ward, No. 6.

onord Mk. Punch, Sir,—
Last week as ever vos I dis-
charged myself from the 'ouse
'oping to pick up a livin' out-
side, through being foter-
graffed, along of the public
interest excited about me by
that Casual Gent as rote me
up in the Pell Mell Gazette,
but 'ave been treated, I con-
sider, very scaly, and come
back, wich I 'ave now turned
my 'and to heppigrams, and
accordingly enclose a speci-
men, and shall be glad of a
trifel to drink your 'elth,

Your humble Servant,
Daddy.

N.B. Not bein' much of an
'and at the pen, the above,
and below also, 'as been cop-
pied for me by parties in
the 'ouse (wicli you will excuse, names being agin' orders) as have
knowed better days, the heppigrams in partickler, wich I guv the
idears, but the rimes and touchin' up is by a poet as is now in the 'ouse
(No. % Men's ward) all along o' licker and conwiwial 'abits.

A LARGE ORDER.

Of Life's extremes each towards other stretches,
Till houseless wretchedness this comfort hath ;

That our C.P.'s (or casual pauper wretches)
Are all C.B.'s, Companions of the Bath.

ALL % WELL THAT ENDS WELL.

That dirty water won't wash clean is bosh,
So in one bath let twice five casuals wash.
But the ten casuals washed (asks our reporter)
What earthly process is to wash the water ?

Dear Mr. Punch, I enclose poor Daddy's playful efforts. Of course,
the poetic garb is your humble servant's, as is also the following
jeu d' esprit, which I call —

THE SUBSTANCE AND THE SHADOW; OR, " SIC TRANSIT
GLORIA DAD-DI."

The Pen has its heroes as well as the Sword ;
One such hero at least this our time doth afford :
Him, who truth of the workhouse determined to tell,
Went in among Lambeth's foul casuals, pell-mell.

How little old Daddy suspected his cloth,
When he helped him to toke, after " weak mutton broth ; "
How little the Master e'er dreamed that the shed
'Mong its hay-bags, that night, held at least one press-bed.

Well— this hero his daring adventure achieved,

And next day London read, shuddered, blushed, and believed s

And a modern prosaic Inferno we knew,

With as black horrors hinted, as e'er Dante drew.

But who was this new Dante ? To Leonine name
He preferred the sly sweets of anonymous fame.
Not so his life-models, his Belial, Kay,
And his Virgil, old Daddy, who showed him the way.

Like their painter, who braved Lambeth crank-shed to shame us,
Ihey awakened next morning, to find themselves famous s
Their names, thank the Press penny trumpets, loud rung
in the popular ear, on the popular tongue.

We know not how Kay has discounted renown—
But that blue-eyed youth has not yet blazed on town,
As an old or new wonder of Exeter Hall,
Id est, Lion or saint, at prayer-meeting or ball.

In the school of the back slums hard study like Kay's
Makes us know gilt from gingerbread, pudding from praise;
lie can rate nine days' wonder at what it is worth,
As sudden and swift in its death as its birth.

Not so poor old Daddy i of insight less large,

Jromtne Uouse and his functions he claimed his discharge ;

By photographers' arts done, in every sense, brown,
Thought his face was his fortune, and went on the town.

A crown was the glittering bait that came o'er
Poor Daddy, as crowns have lured others before.
" Your negative give, and five shillings we '11 pay ! "
To such price for one's negative who could say nay ?

Two half-crowns in his pocket, rich, famous, and free,
Two brief happy days Daddy spent on the spree.
But his two half-crowns gone, and his two-days' dream o'er,
Daddy found that his fame wouldn't bring him in more.

Two~negatives equal to one " yes," we know,
But here to two negatives Business said " no."
Photography, lately all smiles, now looked black,
And (his mug in her carte) on his face turned her back.

So, with tail 'twixt his legs, back poor Daddy must crawl,
To the House, diet, uniform, ward-work and all,
To supply a fresh answer to " What 's in a name ? "
And add one to thy shooting-stars, Popular Fame !

If you can find room for the above, and send a quid pro quo, please
seal up my honorarium separate from poor old Daddy's, as mistakes
might occur in this as in other Houses, and so oblige yours,

X. Brown,

(Servant of the Muses, in the Lambeth Union Livery.)

COMIC COURT COSTUME.

Perhaps thinking that fine feathers do not constitute fine birds,
plain John Bright has an objection to attend the Speaker's parties in
" decorated apparel." Probably he would like to wear a broadbrim on
these festive State occasions, and would think it seemly if the guests all
dressed in drab. But he contents himself with simply begging that in
future those bidden to such feasts may come in any clothes they like,
and need not air their calves by putting off their trousers, and donning
a Court suit.

Plain John forgets, however, that without rules for their guidance
men are liable to error in the matter of costume. If men followed their
own liking when dining with the Speaker, perhaps some of them might
like to come in loose old shooting jackets, while others might appear in
pink coats and top-boots. No doubt, a Member is a Member for a' that,
and a' that ; still there seems a certain fitness in wearing for State
visits a set fashion of State dress.

As servants of the State, the Ministers are properly costumed in a fine
livery, and it is surely meet that other guests who sit at meat with them
should alike be somewhat gorgeously arrayed. Were the Speaker's
rule relaxed, and his visitors allowed to come in any dress they liked,
who knows but some mad wag might wear the comic fancy costume, in
which, later in the evening, he meant to cut a dash at some dramatic
fancy ball ? Peradventure, too, when chimney-sweeps obtain a seat in
Parliament (thanks to the projected extension of the franchise), some
honourable gentlemen might enter without washing, and sit down with
the Speaker in their usual workday soot. To guard against such antics,
it might be needful for the Speaker, toannounce in his State-party cards
of invitation —

" N.B. Clowns and pantaloons and Court fools not admitted." ,

GETTING UP HIS A.B.C.

We are credibly informed that Mr. Whalley is so enamoured of
the Association that was in full play at Oscott College, under the title
of The Anti-Bunker Confederation," that he is about to start a
similar one himself, and to install himself President of it. The Associ-
ation, however, is not to be established, like its glorious predecessor,
for mere nonsense," but will be carried on, like everything its
honoured founder does, in perfect seriousness, waging war at all times
against all clerical errors, and members also, of the Romish Church.
There is a strong look of probability about the rumour, though we must
say at the same time that it hardly seems consistent, in so thoroughly
orthodox a gentleman as the Member for Peterborough, putting himself
at the head of an institution like an abbacy. (A.B.C.)

Epigram by an Agriculturist.

They talks of bosses and o' wine,
In some parts chiefly. We don't, here.

We drinks malt liquor ; deals iu swine :
Converses most on pigs and beer.

Woman's Mission.— Sub-mission.

February 17, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

GOOD STYLE OF PUBLIC SCHOOL.

Ms. Punch,

It is too probable that the disclosures afforded by " Fitz-
gerald v. Northcote and Another," will induce Mr. Whalley to
ask for a Committee of Inquiry into the state of the discipline of Roman
Catholic Schools.

Thereupon, of course, Mr. Whalley will be requested, by a triumph-
ant majority of the House of Commons, to sing. He will also be duly
ridiculed by that excellent portion of the Press which, while it occa-
sionally controverts certain points in what the ud genteel British Public
calls Popery, perseveringly snubs all those vulgar and ill-informed
people who presume to make any attempt whatever at preventing that
same Popery from having entirely its own way.

It is, nevertheless, perhaps, a pity that Mr. Whalley has no chance
of getting Parliament to institute the investigation which he may be
expected to demand. The truth which the Member for Peterborough
seeks to ascertain, would, no doubt, if elicited, put him to confusion.

1 apprehend that a Committee of Inquiry touching the method of
education pursued at St. Mary's, Oscott, would discover that the man-
liness so characteristic of such of its features as were revealed on the
trial of the above-named case, pervades all its details.

The penance into which the scholars of that establishment are subject
to be put for their misdeeds, would probably turn out to be far from the
dreadful thing which it is of course suspected to be by Mr. Whalley.

I imagine that, when the young gentlemen at Oscott are naughty, they
are usually put for a certain time in a corner, and with their faces to the
wall. The student who will not learn his book — get up his Euripides,
for instance — is, I suppose, made to stand on a stool, with a conical cap
on his head labelled " Dunce," and a fasciculus of twigs from the Betula
alba in his right hand. If he has been guilty of telling stories, he is,
perhaps, posted in the same conspicuous situation for a certain time,
and obliged to hold a scarlet rag, or something of that sort, between his
lips. In saying his Horace, if he makes a false quantity, for example,
I dare say a mark is suspended to his neck, and he has to wear it until
he catches a fellow-collegian making a blunder, when he passes it on to
him. And the general government of the College, I take it, is managed
on a principle of mutual information ; the good scholars being instructed
to tell upon the naughty, and the naughty on each other. How much
better it is to be bred up in the practice of a chastening self-humiliation,
which Pride calls sneaking, than to be educated in the observance of
that opposite conduct which is accounted honourable at a genuinely
English Public School P The glimpse we have had of the arrangements
that prevail at St. Mary's, Oscott, will, surely, Mr. Punch, make you
redouble your exertions to bring about that union desired by the Reve-
rend Author of Eirenicon.
J Feast of St, Hamulus Ambulator, 1866,

LIGHT FROM LLANGOLLEN.

The question is settled at last. Science may take herself off to the
Zambesi River, or to Natal, or to some place where she has not been
found out to be a humbug. A simple Welsh squire has discovered
what all the learned philosophers have failed to divine. With noble
frankness, he has instantly divulged the secret, without making selfish
stipulations for patents or rewards. We, in the same spirit, extract
the squire's letter, verbatim, et literatim, from the Llangollen, Advertiser : —

THE CATTLE PLAQUE.

To the Editor.

Sir, — My opinion of the Cattle Plague is Volcanic Efflavia rising out of the earth,
and incurable by man, as a punishment for the extravagance of great people, and
many of the lower orders — foxhounds, prize running, greyhounds, race horses, and
hunters, consuming the food of men, and leading their owners to wickedness and
ruin— the great feeding their servants three or four times a day on flesh meat, and
their women servants cream twice a day, stewing down a quarter of beef for gravy,
and throwing the waste away, with scores of children within a few yards of their
gates sucking orange peel, and eating dirty crusts to save themselves from starving.
In three mouths, the lords and ladies will be obliged to part with two-thirds of
their servants ; and perhaps, cannot find beef for the rest, — I am. <&c,

A Landowner.

An Authority on Art.

Jones, who is a second Ruskin in a small way, was asked if he would
like being the President of the Royal Academy, and this is the solemn
dictum he gave:— "Why, you see, it's plaguy difficult! It requires
such a combination of so many different qualities rarely met with in the
same individual ; that is to say, to make a good President. Now, for
instance, I could do ih&suaviter in modo easily enough, but I doubt if I
could manage iheforty-ter in R.A"

FROM THE ROYAL MEWS.

Her Majesty's state horses consider themselves the creme de la,
creme of equine aristocracy.

FAREWELL TO CRINOLINE.

If there were any doubts about the fact that crinoline is doomed,
they would surely be dispelled by the following account of how the
Empress op the Fkench was attired at the opening of the legislative
session. We take it from the Paris news of the Court Circular, which
is always well informed in foreign, as well as English fashionable affairs : —

" She was dressed with extreme simplicity — a mauve silk robe, with train, the
graceful folds of which indicated the absence of all crinoline, and over her
shoulders an elegant shawl of clenUUe bise, fastened behind to the waist, and floating
even on the train."

Whether an elegant lace shawl be compatible precisely with what is
called " extreme simplicity " in dress, is a question which we leave
Le Follet to discuss. We are too pleased with the statement that the
Empress wears no crinoline, to be critical about the wording of the
news. If the Empress gives it up, clearly crinoline must die. It was
she who first inspired the breath of life into air-tubing for petticoat
expansion, and bade the sharp-edged steel hoops chafe the shins of
men. It was she by whose fell countenance (scarce redeemed by her
fair face) wide skirts became the fashion here in filthy London, and the
knees of long-legged gentlemen seated in an omnibus were plastered
with their dirt. She it was who brought extensive dresses into vogue,
and made so many .a poor husband sigh at seeing the extensive bills he
had to pay for them. Eor the Empress of the French is Empress of
the Fashions ; aud, though Britons never will be slaves, yet Britonesses
slavishly obey whatever mandates the French Empress of the Fasfcions
may see fit to put forth.

Now, therefore, that the Empress has left off wearing crinoline, we
may be sure that her example will be generally followed, aud our draw-
ing-rooms and pavements will no longer be blocked up by women with
wide skirts. What great folks do the less will imitate; and now that
the Empress Eugenie has laid aside her crinoline, Miss Brown and
Mrs. Robinson, of course, will do the same. As we are old enough to
value comfort and convenience, we rejoice that ladies' dresses are about
to be diminished. The Eastern phrase of " May your shadow never be
less ! " is the last thing we should ever think of saying to a lady, while
she persists in wearing an exuberance of skirt.

UNITED ACTION.

My case, State Doctors, right and left,

Must give no scope to Faction,
Unless of Beef you 'd be bereft ;

It needs united action.
You better had forthwith agree,

By temporary paction,
To do the best you can for me,

With your united action.

If you 're unable to fulfil

Your curative intention
In my behalf, make haste and kill

Your patient, for prevention.
Bar, by the surest means you can,

Sound herds from all contaction
With tainted kine, as though one man,

In your united action.

Don't make the murrain-stricken Bull,

A stalking-horse for Party,
But pull away, together pull

With effort strong and hearty,
To bring him, if you can about,

By simultaneous traction
Or else the cattle-plague stamp out,

With your united action.

The Most Wonderful Trick of all.

Colonel Stodare keeps advertising his "Celebrated Indian
Basket Feat." We have heard of cork soles and wooden legs, and
even wooden heads, but "basket feet" certainly run far in advance ot
every other mechanical invention as yet applied to the human frame.
We shall have the frame itself made of wicker-work next, we suppose t
By the way, do the basket elephants and horses we see on the stage
have feet to match ? _

this is frank.
A New M.P. writes to us to say that the Royal Academy have done
wisely in voting a Grant for themselves, for they will never get another
out of Parliament. „_______._

Shakspearb on Fenianism.-^" Rebellion flat Rebellion,5'— King John.

68

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 17, 1866,

GENERAL ADOPTION OF THE ROLLING SKATE.

Lively Appearance or Regent Street in June.

Paterfamilias takes his Family to the Sea-side cheaply.

Old Lady caught by the West Wind and blown Citywards.

Charles likes a Nice Trot by the side of Lucy.

Fred and Emily prefer a more Rapid Mode of Progression.

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February 17, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

71

TAX-GATHERERS' MUTUAL PROTECTION SOCIETY.

{From the Alarmist.)

At a crisis like this, when vested rights are being remorselessly
trampled on, it behoves every man to stand by his Order. We therefore
congratulate the Gatherers of Great Britain on having _ formed them-
selves into a defensive association with a firm resolution not to be
ridden over roughshod by a pitiful parsimonious policy. For what
with fiscal remissions and reductions, year after year, things are begin-
ning to assume a serious aspect. The " great per-centage interest " is
in peril, and all who are concerned in upholding taxation at its normal
standard should combine and conquer without delay.

Bat if individuals were alone affected by these financial vagaries,
many would suffer in Spartan silence, however acute, might be their
pangs. The Gatherers of England bleed inwardly for their beloved
country. Our national debt, they with patriotic spirit have always
recognised as the badge of our national honour, while from our enemies
it has wrung the complimentary exclamation, " Sure never was nation
so trusted before ! " Doubtless we owe much to posterity, and with
proud tenderness, as of a parent taking largess from a child, we
acknowledge it. How inconsistent then, and melancholy is that
ignorant impatience of taxation, which unhappily we find among all
classes from the bishop to the builder downwards, and ascending from
the dairyman to the dean. Their clouded vision cannot perceive that a
single penny in the pound, like mercy, " falls as the gentle dew from
heaven," refreshing alike to those that gather and those that pay. How
men can renounce their duties and retain their self-respect is most
marvellous ! Must not all virtues fade, when the highestvirtue — that
exhibited in paying our taxes on the first application, is ignored? If
we lived in heathen lands, we might expect the payer's pocket to be
fiercely buttoned up, but in this golden realm, where the Gatherer's
expressive knock should have a humanising sound, such savagery is
unpardonable.

Once for all, let us repeat that H.M.S. Britannia must pursue her
proper course — " her march is o'er the mountain wave," — and we must
have no pitching or rolling. Our national burthens serve as ballast,
holding her down but keeping her erect. Without some steadying
power a ship is but a shell, and under similar conditions (which Debby
forbid) the state vessel would be made a butt of. Oar Pilot, whose life
has been a chequered one, can see nothing satisfactory looming in the
future, and is apt to indulge in mournful reflections, doubtless very
much out of place, especially when a party from mere opposition, taunts
him with his views not being clear, and goes so far as to account for it
—by his being dizzy.

TO MR. SPEAKER.

Thrice-Speaker Denison,
Think of Bright' s benkon,
Sharing your venison.

Sipping your hock ;
His frame— no puny form —
Safe from Court uniform,
Old-world, as cuneiform

Scrawls on a rock.

Press not the coat of plum,
Leave lace to sword and drum,
Bid him unruffled come,

Calm and at ease ;
Grenville and Onslow's name,
Fade shall before your fame —
First to whose dinners came

Black-robed M.Ps.

ECCLESIASTICAL OMNIBUS.

As member of a deputation, which, the other day, presented to the
Archbishop of Canterbury a memorial against any alteration of the
Common Prayer Book, the Inevitable Archdeacon Denison made a
speech concluding with the subjoined observation touching the Ritualists
and their opponents, in the Established Church, with relation to certain
principles whereby, he thought, their common action ought to be
regulated :—

" If both parties guided themselves by those rules, they might look forward to
the day when the Church of England would become what by its name and
inheritance, and divine gift it was, the Church of the great English people."

Very good. But the great English people, the Nobility and Gentry,
do already for the most part, belong to the Established Church. The
majority of Dissenters are small tradesmen. What the Established
Church wants is to become the Church of the little English people as
well as that of the great.

OPEN SPACES.

Mr. Punch,

A New Society has been formed which I am sure you will be
prompt to support. It is called the " Commons Preservation Society."
It is not political, as the first word of its title might lead some blazing
Reformers to suppose. It has nothing to do with the hopes and fears,
the perils and prospects of the six-hundred and fifty odd gentlemen who
are trooping down to Westminster to-day. It is careless about close
boroughs, but zealous for open spaces. It leaves to politicians the
redistribution of seats, but is not indifferent to the restoration of
benches. It is not concerned with the representation, but with the
recreation of the people. Too wise to meddle with the Constitution of
England, it attends to the constitution of England's artisans. Its
constituency are the working people of London, its members some of
the best hearts and heads that London contains.

The "Commons Preservation Society " seeks to save for the white
faces drifting all over London, for the men, women, and children
engaged in the thousand and one trades — many of them breeding
disease and shortening life — that the wants and whims of the world
have established in the courts and alleys, the lanes and yards of the
Metropolis, the heaths and commons, the fields and forests, with their
green turf and gold gorse, their May blossom and wild rose-bush, which
are still unspoiled by the builder, the railway contractor and the Lord
of the Manor, or, if invaded, have as yet the enemy only at the outposts.
It longs to reduce that standing army of victims to lung-disease alone,
which death raises every year from the ranks of labour and poverty ;
and to make sure, if but for one summer holiday, the enjoyment of
air and light and sunshine, green trees stirred by the breeze, and
shadows flying over the grass, to those pent-up workers whose mono-
tonous existence in this big bulging city we dignify with the name of
life.

A Society with such an excellent object should be helped both by
purse and pen. On public grounds, you, Mr. Punch, will not, I think,
refuse to devote one of your open spaces to this brief notice of its
institution.

Yours, &c,

February 6, 1866. Sherwood Forrester.

ETHNOLOGY AND HAQIOLOGY.

The skulls of St. Mansuy and St. Gerard, bishops of Toul, had
been, says Galignani, preserved in the same reliquary, with a label
affixed to each. But, the labels having fallen off, the question arose,_
which was St. Gerard and which was St. Mansuy ? For the solution of
this difficulty, the Bishop of Nancy, Mgr. Lavigerie, requested M.
Godron, known as an ethnologist, to examine the two canonised crania.
The ethnological savant immediately recognised one of them as that of
a Gaul, and the other as having belonged to a man of a different nation.
Conformably with this distinction, in point of fact, St. Gerard was of
Gallic race, and St. Mansuy a Scotchman. The presence of four teeth
in the skull of the latter, afterwards found mentioned on one of the
labels, further attested his identity. Sach is the story that Galignani
would have us believe. But what Bishop of Nancy, or other such
bishop, would dream of invoking the perilous aid of ethnology, and that,
too, for the purpose of discriminating between the skulls of two saints r
Surely, any thorough prelate., who devoutly acknowledges the miracu-
lous agency of relics, would invite the skulls to speak for themselves,
which they, if the skulls of genuine saints, would of course immediately
do, to the edification of the faithful, and the astonishment and confuta-
tion of heretical outsiders. No doubt that was what the skulls of
SS. Gerard and Mansuy really did ; only it suited Galignani 's pur-
pose, instead of relating the marvel that actually occurred, to tell
another story calculated to impose on the credulity of his scientific
readers.

TENNYSON IN THE COLONIES.

My dear Punch,

I write to you from a colony of which you may have heard,
called New Zealand. To show you that we are making great progress
in civilisation, will you allow me to append a little dialogue which took
place at a public auction the other day. The auctioneer is, I am happy
to say, a member of the House of Representatives.

Auctioneer of the Country. Here is, gentlemen, a superbly bound
edition of the Idols of the King.
Anxious Bidder. What idols P

Auctioneer. Egyptian, I believe ; but that doesn't matter. Who
bids ?

Yours, antipodically,

Tattoo.

CONUNDRUM. (BY OUR OLD ARM CHAIR.)

To what tribe do Scotch Jews belong ? Mac-Assur.

72

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 17, 1866.

THE ACME OF BEAUTY AND UTILITY

Having at last been effected, no Suggestions for further Al-
terations in the Dress of the Guards will be entertained.

By Order, Punch, Adj.-Gen.

A BAPTIST IN CONVOCATION !

In Convocation, making a speech against the law which requires the
insertion of a conscience clause in the trust-deed of a Church of England
school as a condition of assistance out of the public money, a venerable
divine is reported to have said that —

" In his own school he had, in consequence of the injustice of the system, turned
Her Majesty's inspector out of the school, and had told the boys that if he came
again to put him into the pond. (Laughter.) Ho did not come again, although it
was now eleven years ago."

From the foregoing statement we may derive assurance that the
reverse of truth would be suggested by anybody who ventured to inti-
mate the opinion that Archdeacon Denison is a controvertist prepared
to invoke fire and faggot against his theological adversaries. Water,
and not fire, appears to be the element which the Venerable Arch-
deacon prefers to employ as a polemical agent Water, under certain
conditions, has a name for being useful in spiritual warfare. The great
enemy of man is alleged to entertain a peculiar antipathy to the sancti-
fied protoxide of hydrogen. Aspersion with holy water is, by believers in
holy water, said to suffice for putting him to flight. Does not Dr. Deni-
son think that a-copious discharge of water from a syringe, or a hose, or a
mop, or even a good vigorous sprinkling from the end of a plasterer's

brush, would as effectually rout Her Majesty's Inspector of Schools ?
Would not a ducking in a pond have been more than enough for the
purpose of making him keep away ? And, in the opinion of Arch-
deacon Denison, would not that summary immersion combine too
much of the practice of the Baptists with the theory of the Anglo-
Catholic School?

BEER v. BOSH.

In a recently tried case, which every one is talking of, the Rev. Dr.
Northcote, giving evidence as^the Principal tof LOscott College, said
he thought it was a " sin" for lads to go into a public-house to get a
glass of beer. If Dr. Northcote be justified by the creed which he
professes in holding this opinion. Dr. Punch, for his soul's sake, and
for his body's also, is heartily rejoiced that he is not a Roman Catholic.
When a schoolboy, Dr. Punch had an amazing thirst for beer, and
does not mind confessing that he sometimes condescended to drink it
at a "public." Verily, if it be sin for boys to take a glass of beer, we
ought to place the beverage beyond their means if possible : and for
their soul's sake should quadruple, and not reduce, the Malt-Tax.

Dr. Punch sincerely trusts that the lads at Oscott College will not
be rude enough to serenade their Principal some evening, with some
such song as this : —

Solo.

Says Doctor N.# " For you, young men,

A terrible end is near :
'Tis a mortal sin, at a roadside inn,

To drink e'en a glassful of beer."

Chorus.

But we like a drop of good beer,
And of Purgator6e we 've no fear.

So give three groans

For the Master who owns
That he 'd rob a poor boy of his beer !

THE SATURDAY POPS.

Saturday pops with riflemen are generally pop-ular; for, being a
half-holiday, the day is pretty often used by them for target practice.
But other " Pops" are audible than those made by an Enfield. There
are the " Monday Pops " for instance ; and who, possessing ears and
brains, hath not heard their pleasant music? So popular are these
"Pops" that the room where they are listened to will often hardly
hold the audience ; and their director therefore wisely has determined
upon letting off some extra Monday Pops on Saturdays. There may
seem to be some smack of Irish Bullism in this ; but Mr. Bull, when
he is pleased, cares little if an Irish Bull be found in that which pleases
him. If he were asked by any chance —

" Which is the properest day for Pops? Saturday? eh? or Monday?"

Mr. Bull, if he be musical, would probably reply —

" Each is the properest day for Pops. So better have two than one day."

" We are Seven," the child said, and, like the bullets in Der Frei-
schiitz, the Saturday Pops this year are Seven. "Six, will achieve"
success, there is small doubt; and " the seventh" will not "deceive,"
or we are very much mistaken. With such a company to fire away as
Halle, Joachim & Co., we may expect a good report of the forth-
coming Saturday Pops. Doubtless every piece fired off will hit the
John BuLL's-eye of public favour.

AMBIGUOUS WORK.

Among sundry books lately advertised we find one bearing the re-
markable title of —

"THOUGHTS ON PERSONAL RELIGION."

Personalty in religion is very objectionable. Disputants on theology
are sometimes too apt to interchange personalities in religious contro-
versy. When religion becomes thus personal, its professors, of whatever
denomination, must all be considered as being what may with truth be
called " decidedly Low Church."

A Howl from a Hotel.

Hire a Cab-horse to Charing its Cross,
And see a smart lady who '11 give you her sauce.

With rings on her fingers, which proudly she shows,
At you and your luggage she '11 turn up her nose.

To Idle Vagabonds, &c./— Proposed substitute for "Toke," at
Lambeth workhouse : — Toko.

February 17, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

73

MR. JACOB POPLIN TRIES A DAY IN THE BIG WOODS,

Desirous of Avoiding the (to him) Worrying Contingencies and Obstacles op the Vale. He has been quietly Riding in the
rear, but the fox having doubled and gone away, brings down the cavalry, which he is not prepared to receive.

THE WANTS OF AN AGE.

What are the requirements that generate advertisements P Mani-
festly, the contrary of the thing required. I haven't a servant: I
advertise for one. My butler is fat : I advertise for a lean one. My
housemaid is careless: I advertise for one who is careful. What sad
domestic pictures arise out of this consideration ! Thus : —

OEVERAL SERVANTS WANTED
^J Servant ;■—

First, a thorough In-door

Let us pause for a minute. The advertiser wants several servants.
Evidently, there has been a regular turn-out of the entire establishment :
the domestics have all been turned out of doors ; hence the want of a
thorough in-door servant. No gad-about, no desire to walk out and
get half a yard of ribbon in the evening, or a pining for a Sunday out,
as the other servant, who has left, was accustomed to do. Let us con-
tinue : —

t Wife as Professed Cook : no assistance given, as there are but two in family ;—

One of the two in family was obliged to assist in the kitchen occa-
sionally in former times, " £ut," says he to himself, or she to herself,
" I don't do that again," and hence the terms of the advertisement.

Secondly, a thoroughly good active Gardener, he must milk one cow well, he
must be married, with no encumbrance.

What a state of things must have existed before ! Let us suppose
what the former gardener was like ; of course the opposite of the
above description. He must have been "a thoroughly bad slothful
gardener, he milked two cows badly, and one not at all ; he wasn't
married, but he had seven children." I pity the master, and am not
surprised at the advertisement.

Here 's another that makes one grieve for the suffering family : —

FOOTMAN WANTED, not tinder 20, in a small quiet family, to wear
livery, and make himself useful. He must be Church ot England, have a year's
character, and not smoke.

Their last footman was, you may gather from this, nineteen years of
age, was dirty and slovenly in his dress, and regarded himself as simply
ornamental. He was of no fixed principles, inclining secretly to Mor-
monism, had a vague six months' jj character, and appreciated his
master's cigars and tobacco to a pretty considerable extent.

Lastly, my eye has been caught |by an eccentric advertisement, from
which any future antiquarian may obtain some slight information as to
the manners and customs of a small middle-class family in the nineteenth
century : —

GOOD COOK WANTED.— Wages £18, and everything found. No
boots, knives, or windows.]

The advertiser has in him the poetic fire when writing of wages,

"18 pound,
And everything found."

and therefore we are not surprised at the queerness of the domestic
arrangements. What good cook, for eighteen pounds a-year, would go
to live where there were no boots, no knives, and no windows ? Where
consequently they use either their bare feet, or slippers, eat with their
fingers and a fork, live by candlelight, and are obliged to go out of
doors whenever they require a breath of fresh air. You may get a
dying, but no living, in such a household as that.

Receive my assurance, &c,
Lozenge Cottage, Chestshire. Rusticus Expectorans.

Answers to Correspondents.

Dramatic Cuss,— There is no play of Shakspeare's called Mustard
and Cressida. ._

Baron Meter asks us will it be fine the day after to-morrow P We
never divulge a secret : we regret that we really can not tell him.

One who's been bitten, complains that he can't get crocusses to grow
in his back-garden. Consult a Solicitor.

74

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVATH.

[February 17, 1866.

OUR COUNTRY LETTER.

*s* Our Correspondent, who writes a toun letter for a Provincial
Ntwtpoper, has sent it to us by mistake. We were too late to prevent
its appearance. His information u varied, and will please those who
have not had sufficient time to peruse the daily papers.

Delicious day-^indeed, tbe
weather is lovely ; the beau-
tiful trees in our parks are
radiant with their brightest
green ; the wild fowl skim
the Serpentine, and tbe
little deer canter up and
down the lady's mile, oc-
casionally stopping to take
buns from the band of one
of our brave defenders of
the soil — by which I mean
tbe park-keepers. The
plashing fountains of Tra-
falgar gladden the eye and
heart of the beaming City
man as he trips towards
the Royal Exchange, and
the carol of the 'busman
is heard on his perch. How
bright is the Metropolis !
Town very full; Parlia-
ment has met, and the
Queen has sat in her robes
of state. The Members of
Convocation h ave ad dres sed
the Archbishop of Can-
terbury on the subject of
, the Cattle Plague, and com-

plained that His Grace had not been vaccinated ever since he was
seven years old. Miss Avonia Jojses has decided upon accepting the
Banda and Kirwee Booty. But protests against the revision of the
Prayer-book by the Editor of the Pall Mall Gazette, who is as a contem-
porary informs us, "unauthorised." The Miss Manager of the Charing
Cross Hotel isreported to have entered a convent. Therehave been several
interesting trials this week. The libel case of Fitzgerald versus Ryan
was tried before Dr. Northcote and a common jury, in which Mr,
Sims Reeves and Madame Sainton-Dolby assisted. It was ulti-
mately decided in favour of Mr. Bhight, who, however, objected to
appear in costume, saying, that he thought the only court suit neces-
sary on any, even the most solemn occasion, was an eye-glass. Two
new pieces have been produced at two theatres— one is Never too Late to
Mend, and the other Rip Van, Winkle : in the latter Mr. Buckstone is
admirable ; but if any country cousins want a treat, let them come up
to town and hear Mr. Juffbrson, as King Pippin, in Astley's panto-
mime. Professor Gamgee inveighs against the present mode whicli
the Commons have, of rushing to the Bar of the House of Lords. I
dare say you have heard a rumour of the Fenian deputation to Lord
Russell. It was said that the leading members of the Fenians called
on his Lordship in town, to ask him if the pikes and other weapons
might be returned to them. The noble earl treated the whole mat1 er as
a jest, and said, that they have done away with all the pikes about
London, and he thought that, the same plan might advantageously
be carried out in and about Dublin. The deputation then withdrew:
among them was the celebrated Head Centre Stephens, whose disguise
attracted considerable attention. The whole story is a canard, trumped
up, they say, by the Bishop of Oxford. In the House of Lords, the
other evening. Lord Bateman offered to recite the history of his
ancestor, .by George Cruikshank ; but this has not appeared in the
public journals. Take it for what it is worth. Sir Edwin Land-
seer has had an interview with the lion on the top of Marlborough
House : the result has not transpired. It is unlikely that Grisi and
Mario will open a new music hall next winter : where are they to get a
site ? Besides, the Magistrates won't give another licence.

A Tremendous Blow.

The wind has been so strong lately that not even artillery has been
able to stand against, it, as verified by Ihe following :—

" The Journal du Havre states that during the recent violent hurricane forty
cannon planted on the i>ier of Cherbourg were thrown into the sea."

By Boreas ! it must have been blowing " great guns " at the time.

(Advkrtisement.)
nTHTC SEEDS OF RERELLION were sown by the Printing Press of
-L The Irish PeopU, the notorious Fenian Sewing-machine. The entire plant to be
disposed of. Apply at the Police Barracks, Dublin.

A FETICH AVENGED.

Let us leave off boasting that we are not as other nations are. It is
not true that there are no such Magistrates in the world as our Great
Unpaid. Witness the following scrap of foreign intelligence :—

" The Holy Ooat at Treves. — The writer of an article published by the
MorgenMalt of Silesia and charged with ' having ridiculed the relic known as the
Holy Coat of Treves,' appeared a few days ago before the tribunal of that city, and
was condemned to a week's imprisonment. The director of the journal was also
sentenced to a fine of twenty thalers."

Fining and imprisoning people for ridiculing an old coat, certainly
beats, by some length, imposing penalties on persons for not going to
church. The tribunal of Treves must be admitted to have surpassed
anything wonderful that has been done by a British County or Borough
Bench for some time. It evidently, if not composed altogether of eccle-
siastics, comprises a very strong sacerdotal element. So do some of
our own rural Benches ; and the Reverend Mr. Midas, J.P., must
envy the foreign priests who can send anybody to gaol for turning an
old coat into ridicule, whilst it is not in the power of the strongest
clerical quorum at home to commit the scoffer who has even dared to
make fun of a shovel-hat.

We are not told how the " relic known as the Holy Coat, of Treves "
was ridiculed in the Morcjenblatt. Perhaps the writer of the offending
article in that journal, borrowing a jest from an old English repertory
of witticisms, went so_ far as to say the Holy Coat was more holy than
righteous. The joke is threadbare, but, for that very reason, all the
more appropriate to a coat which, very likely, if less than eighteen cen-
turies old, is, nevertheless, quite as old as itself.

PAROCHIAL PERSPICUITY.

" Providence has blessed you with talents aud opportunities, instead
of which you go stealing geese off a common." This celebrated passage
in the sentence pronouueed by a venerable Magistrate is not unparalleled.
Subjoined is a copy of a certain handbill lately exhibited in the windows
of divers shops in the suburban village of Deadpool : —

VESTRY NOTICE.
PARISH OP DEADPOOL.

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN, that a Vestry will beheld at the Vestry Room, in
and for this Parish, on Thursday the S February at 7 o'clock iu the afternoon, the
particulars of which are stated on the Church and Chapel doors.

Line Hyphen, Printer.

SEfcST } Churchwardens.

If the conclusion of the foregoing announcement is the expression of
a fact, the particulars of last Thursday afternoon had been stated on
the Church and Chapel doors. That, is what the authors of the bill
above quoted say. What they meant to say appears to have been, that
the particulars of the Vestry had been stated on the doors of the
Church and Chapels. What they would have meant to say if they had
understood their own meaning, and would have said had they also
known the meaning of words, probably was that, on the day aud at the
place named, there would be held a Vestry to transact certain, business,
the particulars of which, &c. And then the world would have lost a
fine example of Ellipsis.

AN AUSTRIAN COURT CARD.

There are minds to which the following announcement, taken from
the Post, may afford some satisfaction : —

" Diamond.? and Flowers. — The Empress of Austria has recently introduced a
new fashion. It is to have a diamond, representing a dew-drop, fixed to a real
flower. A few evenings ago her Majesty had in her hand a bouquet of white
camellias, and on each, in the centre, was a large diamond."

The example of the Empress of Austria, as above related, will of
course add a fresh weight to the load of exoense, which husbands, who
have already to pay more than they can afford for finery and trinkets,
are saddled with. This may be that last ounce which will break many
a donkey's back. Thus considering, men in the enjoyment of single
blessedness will see new reason for contentment with their blessed lot,
and, unless they are immensely rich, for preference of their own bliss to
domestic happiness. Ladies, because they take to carrying diamonds
in nosegays, cannot, of course,' be therefore expected to wear one jewel
the less on their heads, or in their ears, or their noses, should it become
" the fashion to wear them" in that situation, as of course it will if
any civilised Empress should begin doing so. To any one who con-
siders the state of Austrian finance, the Empress of Austria's display
of diamonds must appear peculiarly becoming. Now that, her Imperial
Majesty has taken to dance about carrying bunches of flowers, with a
diamond stuck in every one of them, it may not perhaps be deemed
improper to call her the Empress of Diamonds.

Why is Prince Christian of Schleswig-Holstein like Boney the
elder ?— Because he 's the captive of (St.) Helena.

February 24, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

75

A PROPHET IN HIS OWN COUNTY.

Dear Punch,

Cousin Adam prophesied t' weather for this present severe winter. I send you a few of his best forecasts,

The Fens, Lincolnshire.

-afca,

1S65. Dec. 1st. — Severe Frost and Sleet.

1866. Jan. 1st.— Cold Winds and Hard Frost.

And remain, yours, Esau Wafshot.

Jan. 20th.— Frost and Snow.

Jan. 31st. — Partial Frost.

Feb. 12th.— Hard Frost.

March 1st will probably be represented as
above, for Adam makes it out SULTRY.

GEEAT LITERARY SALE.

to

Though not disposed to go all lengths with Mr. Bright, and
declare that America is Paradise, inhabited only by angels, we have no
objection to take a hint from our smart Transatlantic relations. It
seems that they sell the Dead Letters which lie at their Post Offices.
A great sale of this kind has just taken place at New York, and all
kinds of articles, found in the unclaimed despatches, have been got rid
of by auction.

It has occurred to Mr. Punch, that in these days of dear meat and
outrageous millinery, he may as well turn an honest penny by the sale
of his Dead Letters ; that is, the effusions of ninety-eight per cent, of
his Correspondents.

He hereby gives notice, therefore, that the first Dead Letter Sale
will take place at a date to be announced in future bills.

Among the Letters will be found the following interesting lots : —

Pive hundred and ninety-seven bad jokes upon the name of Governor
Eyee, recommending Jamaica to try " change of Eyre," congratu-
lating him on " cutting the Gordon knot," &c. &c.

Nearly a thousand intimations (warranted original) that the Pope's
Bull has got the Rinderpest.

Pifty-three attempts at pathetic poetry on a subject which needs no
bad verse to ensure its being remembered, the loss of the London.

Eighty-six caricatures of Dr. Pusey, with epigrams, the point of
which is usually Pussy.

Ninety-seven caricatures of Mr. Spuegeon, with epigrams, the
point of which is usually Sturgeon.

Porty-three protests against Lobd Russell's trying to increase the
respectability of his Ministry by taking a Duffer in.

Heaps of Nights in Something or other, bad imitations of the Casual
Gent. A Night in the Charing Cross Hotel, a Night in the House of
Lords, a Night in a Night-cellar, and similar rubbish, are among these.

Several thousand obvious attempts on the part of auctioneers, hotel
keepers, local nobodies, quack doctors, and the like, to obtain the awful

puff which a paragraph in Punch would give them. The usual dodge
is to send a letter, purporting to come from somebody who is sur-
prised, or offended, at the proceedings of the fellow who wants the puff,
begging that Mr. Punch will " show up " such a character.

Many hundreds of old jokes, (sworn to have been heard on the date
of the letters) with requests for the smallest remuneration, as the
senders are " hard up."

A Cart-full of letters with pamphlets, into not one of which, of course,
Mr. Punch ever thinks of looking.

Jokes carefully transcribed from early volumes of Mr. Punch. He may
as well mention that he keeps a Memory Boy, who knows every line
in dTfte Wa\\imt&, and who has never been at fault except twice, on
both of which occasions he was immediately put to death.

Two thousand letters enclosing things which the writers admit to be
under the mark, but which they beg may be inserted as encouragement
to young beginners, who may do better hereafter.

Several hundred letters from snobs who have not even yet discovered
that Mr. Punch arose to smite down the scandalous press, not to
imitate it. The names of persons libelled by such writers are carefully
expunged by Mr. Punch, but those of the scoundrels who send the
letters remain for exposure.

Hitherto Mr. Punch has been burning the rubbish above described,
but in future he intends to sell it. Purchasers must remove the lots at
their own risk of mental demoralisation.

Justice Shallow and Justice Silence.

Punch hears that the success of an actor who brought an action
against a critic for mentioning him unkindly, has induced another actor
to menace an action against another critic for not mentioning him
at all.

HOUSEHOLD NOTE.

{By a Cockney.) What to do with Cold Mutton. — fleat it.

VOL. L.

76

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Fbbkuary 24, 1866.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

ondat, February
12. The " mea of
business " who
mauage Railway
Companies and
other specula-
tions hare in-
vented a clever
dodge for borrow-
ing money which
they have no
moral right to
borrow, to the
detriment of their
legitimate credi-
tors. Complaint
is made, but the
railwaymen, like
their predecessors
the highwaymen,
have [.strong
friends.

Lord Russell
declines to do
anything towards
reforming the
British Museum,
because the Trus-
tees rejectedsome
suggestions made
to them by his

Lordship. The present state of that collection is simply prepos-
terous, and we always avoid, if possible, the disagreeable duty of talcing
a foreigner to see dusty straddling stuffed giraffes, South Sea mon-
strosities, and pickled fishes, in the splendid chambers above, and to
hear that priceless classical relics, of exquisite beauty, are crowded into
the damp vaults below. Punch is opposed, as a rule, to capital punish-
ment, but if the execution of a Trustee or two in the court-yard would
induce the others to expel tbe beasts and expose the beauties, a slight
example like that would be a small matter in comparison with the
result.

Sir George Grey promises a Committee on the subject> cf the
Theatrical Licence. We need hardly tell a playgoer of education that
this has nothing to do with the Poetical Licence— poetry having long
since been scouted from the boards. Mr. Punch himself intends to
appear, and give some evidence that will astonish a good many people
considerably more than it will please them. And no Manager need
write him an insolent letter abusing him for swearing to the truth.

More Saxon tyranny. Certain Irish returning officers suppose them-
selves to have cast up the votes, at the last King's County election,
wrongly. So Mr. Ayrton coolly requested the House to take the
correction for granted, turn out Sir Patrick O'Brien, and seat Mr.
Pope Hennessy. As soon as the astounded Attorney-General could
reduce his eyes to their natural size and close his mouth, he re-opened
the latter to inform Mr. Ayrton that there was such a thing as an
Election Committee for any gentleman who fancied that he ought to be
in any other gentleman's place. But really, before much further expense
is incurred, would it not be wise to send over the poll-books to some
Englishman — we dare say that one of the younger clerks of Messrs.
Harding, Pullen and Gibbons, or some other eminent accountants,
would at after-hours, and for a small gratuity, set the High Sheriff and
all the officials of King's County right in their arithmetic.

Then did Sir George Grey, in an elaborate speech, introduce the
Government Bill for dealing with the Rinderpest. As those who are
interested in the details of the proposed law will study them in all their
legal amplitude, Mr. Punch will merely state that as the Bill first stood,
it provided for the slaughter and burial of diseased cattle, and for the
isolation of suspected beasts. It prohibited the removal of cattle by
night, and forbad its travelling by day without a licence. It abolished
fairs and markets for lean and store stock, and ordained that fat cattle,
if allowed to go to market, should die there. And it provided compen-
sation to the owner, such compensation to be paid out of the Rates.
Some of the Members did not think the measure stringent enough,
and others, of course, objected to particular clauses. Let us hope, that
the revised Act will be effectual, or we shall realise the declaration of
Hamlet that the time is out of Joint.

Sir George said one thing which 'made Mr. Punch laugh, though
the topic was not laughable. He thought it better to work through
Parliament than to issue an order " from a small room in the council
chamber." Doubtless there should be proportion in everything, but
why a large law should not come out of a little room Mr. Punch does
not see. But if a vast apartment be necessary for an A.ct about bullock h,
what monstrous chamber should contain the Legislature when making

the Reform Act? The Crystal Palace is the biggest place that occurs
to us, and Mr. Grove will be pleased to consider whether he can have
it ready about Easter. The Speaker will look well, perched on the
Handel orchestra, and the organist may as well be at his post, in
case Mr. Whalley should be requested to sing.

"'Tuesday. S. Pancake's day. The Lords talked Rinderpest. Earl
Derby thought that proceeding by Bill was too slow work, and recom-
mended resolutions. He also thought that Government had already
exceeded its powers, but the Lord Chancellor denied this. Lord
Cranworth quoted Latin, remarking that Ddegatus not potest delegare,
which means, our Judy, that if you order Jane Cook to go and buy a
sweetbread, she has no right to dispatch Miry Housemaid on that
errand, a fact of which you are no doubt aware, and would have made
Jane also aware, to her disadvantage, without your ever having heard
the law Latin. Ea.rl Grey, to whom Punch had privately shown our
last Cartoon, the day before its publication, spoke exactly its counsel,
and recommended United Action, of course amid loud and general
applause from Hereditary Wisdom.

Mr. Hardcastle takes charge of the anti-Church-Rate Bill this
year. The motion for the Second Reading will, we understand, be made
by his step-son, Mr. Tony Lumpkin. The Church of England an-
nounces, through Mr. Newdegate, that she will stoop to conquer,
but will only stoop as low as commutation. That gallant sportsman is
much better engaged with Grouse in the gun-room than with Church
Bills.

The Parliamentary Oath came up. Protestants and Catholics swear
differently. They both avow allegiance to their Royal Mrs., but there
is a lot of nonsense divided among them about the Pope and the Pre-
tender and the disavowal of designs against the Church of England,
and inasmuch as nonsense should be got rid of when it is neither
graceful nor amusing, it is as well that the Oath (if honest gentlemen
are to be asked to swear at all) should be a sensible one. Sir George
Grey proposes that an M.P. shall merely swear to bear allegiance to
his Queen and defend her against all conspiracies. Mr. Newdegate
sees objections to the innovation, reminds the House of Feniauism, and
that Dr. Manning has lately preached a sermon in honour of St.
Thomas A'Beckett. We are not much afraid of the Fenians, but the
oration for St. Thomas makes us shudder. Let us think. Beckett
was the head of the Catholic Church in England. So is Dr. Manning.
Suppose that Sir Newdegate de Newdegate and three other knights,
(say Sir Whalley de Bosh, Sir Whiteside de Blare, and Sir
Ferrand de Bello) do put on armour (they can borrow it from Mr.
Gye) proceed to St. George's Cathedral when Dr. Manning is there,
and polish him off. It would be quite as much ia keeping with the
instincts of our day as to insist on insulting all the Catholics because
one priest performs a sentimental folly. ■ -^M

Wednesday. Festival of S. S. Siltfish and Eggsauce. Also S.
Valentine. Notwithstanding which facts, the Commons addressed them-
selves to the Rinderpest Reform Bill. Mr. Hunt proposed a more strin-
gent measure, and his name suggested to Mr. Bright to abuse hunting.
He drew a fearful picture of aristocrats sweeping over the lands, and
spreading contagion by means of their fox-hounds. This was Bunkum.
But what Mr. Bright said, to the purpose, was that the proposed
Compensation was a grievance, and that the tax-payer would have a
right to complain if his money were taken to compensate rich farmers
and landowners. They ought to be ashamed to ask Parliament to
legislate in' order to pay the losses in their special trade.

Mr. Lowe had, of course, something keen to say about the Birming-
ham manufacture of grievances, and the setting class against class, and
he ingeniously argued that the compensation was not given out of love
to the farmer, but to bribe that party to help _in stamping out the
disease.

This morning's sitting was adorned by the maiden speech of John
Stuart Mill, whose rising occasionedmuch interest. Mr. Mill did
not object to the principle of compensation, but to its amount, and to
the manner in which it was to be raised. The former was extravagant,
[ft is satisfactory to be able to interpolate that the words of wisdom
prevailed, and that the next night the amount was largely cut down ]
The latter was unjust. The disease raised the price of produce, and
the consumer would be called upon, first to compensate the cattle
owner, and then to pay the increased price of food. The Bill would
tax heaviest those least able to bear the burden. Mutual insurance
would be the just means of securing compensation, the farmers who had
not suffered ought to compensate their fellow tradesmen who had, and
an aristocracy which enjoyed the highest honours ought to have the
feelings of an aristocracy, and bravely meet the brunt of inconveniences.
So spoke John Stuart Mill.

Lord Cranbourne (Robert Cecil), who meaus to be a kind of
power in the assembly of which he has hitherto been a kind of orna-
ment, controverted the preceding views with ability, and had the House
with him in his deprecation of Sir George Grey's awful awe of local
authorities.

Thursday. In Committee on the Bill, Mr. Bright tried to get rid of
the compensation clauses, but Mr. Gladstone, (who by the way is

February 24, 1866.]

PUNCH OR THE LONDON OHATHVATH.

77

Affability itself, now lie is at the top of the tree) dwelt upon the
"natural tendencies" of the farmer, and it was found necessary to
admit the principle. But the amount was cut down, from two-thirds of
a beast's value to one half, Me. Bright was beaten in an attempt to
make the owi er's consent needful, and Mr. Hunt beat the Government,
by 264 to 181, carrying an amendment for the absolute stoppage of
cattle traffic by rail, until after Lady-Day.

Friday. The respected Government appeared to be blown about with
every wind of Cattle doctrine. It is not many weeks since Mr.
Gladstone solemnly warned the owners to expect no aid from the
State, and now be defends a Bill, which was originally objectionable, and
was since made much more so, for the last arrangement was to throw
Ihe whole compensation on the public Kates. Mr. Disraeli was nearly
right in calling the thing Crude Legislation, but there is a harder word
for it. The measure was further muddled to-day.

Jamaica is to have the same Constitution as Trinidad.

Do you tnow, Materfamilias, what the Habeas Corpus Act is? Of
course not. Nevermind, or at least don't ask Paterfamilias until he
shall have had time to consult his Cyclopaedia. Then he wi-U tell you that
it is the law which prevents persons from being imprisoned at the mere
will of the Executive, and that it is suspended only in cases of public
peril. But then suspected persons may be arrested without cause or
purpose being assigned. The Government asked Parliament to suspend
the Act, in Ireland, and a special sitting on Saturday handed over the
Irish to the Executive.

TWO REFORM BILLS; OR, THAT AND THIS.

THAT.

1 'll sing of an old Bill/planned by some good old pates,
That raised some rare rows out of doors, and indoors some rare debates;
That floored the questions which it raised, and decided franchise-fates.
Without "leverage" or reticence, or weak and wilful waits —
The original Reform Bill, all of John Russell's prime !

This gallant Bill, it' cut the knots of pride, distrust, and doubt,
That fettered England's middle-class, straight-forward, stiff, and stout;
It let plebeian vigour in, nor shut patrician out,
And it warned off Revolution, that was roaring all about.

That original Beform Bill, all of John Russell's prime !

It recognised the changes that busy Time had made,
The shiftings of our people, the transfers of our trade :
It owned for strong the growths of youth, owned rottenness decayed,
And razed no old foundations save to strengthen those it laid —
The original Reform Bill, all of John Bussell's prime.

Over-hot and hasty Radicals declared it slow and small,
Over-cold and stubborn Tories swore that it subverted all:
But English sense saw in it 'twixt their two extremes a wall,
And, with the nation's voice that's God's, to life of law did call
The original Reform Bill, all of John Russell's prime.

"Who can forget the thrills that swept the nation's pulses strong,
As The Speech proclaimed its coming, watched and waitedfor so long;
On the stages of its passage the rejoicing nation's throng,
Their roused wrath, terrible to those who threatened it with wrong —
The original Reform Bill, all of .Lord Russell's prime.

Tbat'was a time worth living in, a Bill worth carrying through,
It held the seeds of good to come, it knit the old and new ;
It faggoted the nation's strength the nation's work to do,
Shut from its pale no class that cared to come that pale into —
The original Reform Bill of Lord Russell's early prime.

No class-voice, interest, prejudice was dominant therein,
Its franchise needed winning, but was not too high to win ;
With workers, of hard hands or soft, it dealt as kith and kin :
Under its shade good law has grown, life risen, and wealth flowed in —
The original Reform Bill, of Lord Russell's early prime !

THIS.

Must I sing of a New Bill, come about none quite knows how.
But which all who ought to father seem alike loth to avow;
An accident of accidents, got in a hustings row,
Dragged up, and dry or wet-nursed, as Bright guides or fates allow —
The perfunctory Reform Bill, of Lord Russell's second prime?

It saw not light in answer to the nation's need or call,
But on a time, when old Whig chance of office had run small;
As a tub to catch the whale below the gangway was let fall —
A safe election card and theme for the kind of talk called "tall" —
A perfunctory Reform Bill, of Lord Russell's second prime.

Artful Dizzy being down upon Lord Russell's little game
Determined to show England that he could play the same ;
So every party bawled Reform, until the word became
Eor Royal Speech a stereotype, for Cabinets a shame —

And we swarmed with small Reform Bills, in Lord Russell's
second prime.

There is a Bill, to do the work the old one left undone,

Resume old franchises ill-used, give new rights fairly won ;

To find voice fornew-minted thoughts through Labour's hosts that run, —

Such a Bill were worth fighting for, and were this such a one,

We should cheer the new Reform Bdl, though of Russell's
later prime.

To be o'erthrown on such a Bill, were to be made more strong,
Who leaves a good work, largely planned, returns to it ere long ;
But to compound with weakness, and wink at well-proved wrong,
Is not the way to help the right, nor even push along

This perfunctory Reform Bill, of Lord Russell's second prime.

Of this Bill we 've heard little, and we don't like what we hear :
It promises us nothing but "leverage" this year:
Levers are potent to upset, but the good of them, 'tis clear,
Depends on who 's to use 'em, and the choice of hands we fear

Erom a one-barrelled Reform Bill,of Lord Russell's second prime.

Lo, ushered in with doubts and fears, without a welcome hail,
Owned by its friends not all they want, but all that they can nail;
Not as they come who mean to win, or failing, manlike fail,
But with 'bated breath comes sneaking at the Royal Speech's tail,

The perfunctory Reform Bill of Lord Russell's second prime !

LIBRARY OP FICTION.

The Reign of Terror in Jamaica. A Serial, published on the arrival of
the West India Mail. Bright, Shammyruhstotf & Co., Morning
Star Office, Eleet Street. One Penny.

We congratulate our spirited contemporary on being the first to intro-
duce the feuilleton into a London newspaper. Under the above title it
has commenced an exciting fiction in the best style of the penny
novelists, and we may fairly say that since the celebrated Gory Hand in
the Dark Cellar, we have read nothing more sensational than the Reign
of Terror in Jamaica. Under the guise of a special commissioner, the
Eleet Street novelist describes Lis horrors with gusto. He begins
dashingly —

" I o.m about to unfold a Tale of Horror .' "

" I know more of the measures taken to suppress the rebellion than almost any
one individual in Jamaica. * * * The whiles are generally ignorant of what I am about
to detail to you. * * * I do not believe one tithe of the atrocities have yet been
unearthed, as day by day adds to the detail of horrors."

We have no intention of injuring the success of this fiction by telling
the points. The writer represents himself as going about among the
blacks, and being inspired by their stories, and any one who knows the
exquisite truthfulness of the negro character will feel that a romancer,
who lays his hand on a black informant, in every sense " strikes ile."
We must extract a gem or two in order to increase the avidity with
which this Tale of Horror will be sought for : —

" MacLaben deserves a statue of the purest marble. Faithful and true, he was hanged
that night. He did not miscalculate the nature of the (white) beings who were making a
Hell upon Earth m Morant Bay."

But this passage is the most brilliant of all. One of his black
heroines —

" Stealthily entered ; but imagine her horror when looking up she saw the grisly forms
of nine of her neighbours swinging round responsive to the night blast. J, return to the
wood and the wet lair among the frogs was better than this."

A rebel's house is entered by the soldiers while it is dark. He
dashes away, deserting his wife and children, but a rifle-ball hits him on
the shoulder.

" Imagine the scene— the poor creatures roused from sleep by the tramp of armed men,
the flash front the ready rifle, the cry of pain from the husband and father, and the dark
figures of the soldiers dimly seal through the sulphurous smoke."

Without making further extracts, we commend this romance of
Jamaica to all the lovers of penny fiction, and we congratulate the
enterprising publishers, Messrs. Bright and Shammyrumstuee on
the spirit which induced them to engage the pen of a spicy novelist
rather than to imitate the Times, Daily News, and Telegraph, who
tamely send out gentlemen with no higher mission than to ascertain
facts from credible witnesses. The writer of the novel is a true artist,
and while giving all these horrors, he is careful to supply evidence that
they are merely the creation of the sable population with whom he
gossips, and he displays real art in dressing up the crude conceptions
of the blacks into sensational narrative. We trust the Tale of Horror
will be as popular as it deserves to be.

78

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 24, 1866.

A LITTLE MISTAKE.

Captain Bullyon (to Remnants, the Woollen- Draper, who has been invited, as usual, to a day's Pheasant Shooting by old Bullyon the Banker).
"Your gun's No. 12, I believe, Mr. "What's-'s-Name?"

Remnants {thinking the Captain, generally so 'igh and mighty, is going to he sociable). " I don't exactly know the precise Figure,
Captain, but "

Captain Bullyon. " Haw ! what I mean is, 'cause tou seem to have been trying to keep your Barrels close to my Eyes
ever since we left the Cover ! "

FRIGHTFUL IMPERTINENCE.

A Correspondent of the Standard recently called attention to this
curious circumstance : —

" The Jewish Intelligencer, the accredited organ of the London Society for Pro-
moting Christianity amongst the Jews, states that the secretaries have been obliged
to borrow money at a high rate of interest to defray current expenses. The annual
receipts of tha society are between £30,000 and £40,000 per annum. "

Upon this, and upon the extraordinary costliness of performing the
feat of converting foreign Hebrews, we have not now any inclination
to speak. The Society, we presume, knows its own business, and if its
patrons are satisfied to convert alien Jews at £690 a-head (we think
that was the last result of a comparison of the outlay with the number
of convertites) we have no right to object. Merely as matter of busi-
ness, we assure them that the thing could be done cheaper in London,
and as one convert is as good as another, we should think that Hounds-
ditch was as good a hunting held as Palestine. But, we repeat, this is
their business. The Standard's correspondent proceeds to say : —

"As an old friend to the Jewish mission I feel entitled to ask whether these
pecuniary embarrassments are to be ascribed the society's refusal to subscribe to
Dr. Beke's mission to Abyssinia for the release.of one of their oldest missionaries,
the Rev. Henry Stkrk?"

This question is impertinent, and worse. The writer of the letter, as
an educated man who knows the world, must be perfectly well aware
that any such assistance is entirely out of the question. For months
and months British subjects, and a British official who tried to help
them, have been lying in the dungeon of an Abyssinian demi-savage, who
has treated them with the utmost cruelty, his only merciful act having
been that last reported, the release of one of them by beating him to
death. Some of these men are missionaries, but they are unhappily
white. Exeter Hall, therefore, has nothing to say to them. Had one
of them been coloured, or had a stray Quashi-bungo got into the hands

of King Theodore, we should long since have had great demonstra-
tions, and evangelical noblemen would have vied with converted naval
officers in clamouring for the deliverance of the precious vessels. As it is,
they must take their chance, while the eyes and energies of Exeter Hall
are directed upon Jamaica, and the Hall is in a flurry lest Sir Henry
Storks should lay too much stress upon Quashi-bungo's chopping up
a couple of score of white people, and eating their brains. Already, we per-
ceive, for fear lest home fanaticism should cool, the number of executed
negroes has been run up by the negrophiles, from 400 to 3000, and it
will be 30,000, should any rumours come that Sir Henry Storks thinks
that Mr. Eyre only did his duty. Is this a time to trouble missionary
societies about white sufferers for religion? The Standard's corre-
spondent ought to be ashamed of himself.

It attributes

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

The subjoined paragraph, from the Post, is incredible,
to the King of Prussia a degree of moral sense : —

" The Sans-Souci Windmill. — The Prussian journals announce that another
historical memorial is about to disappear. The famous windmill of Sans-Souci,
which the Great Frederick had respected, and which his descendants had enclosed
in the Park of Potsdam as a monument of their respect for legality, is about to be
pulled down by the King's order."

If this statement were true, it would show that his Majesty King
William had conscience enough to feel that the windmill which stood
in the Park of Potsdam was a standing satire on the spoliation of
Denmark.

International Courtesies. — An Edinburgh Curling Club has been
invited to the next Hairdressers' Soiree in Hanover Square. The
thought does credit to Head and art.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— February 24, 1866.

THE BATTLE OF THE RUBRIC.

Archbishop op Canterbury. "MY FRIENDS! MY FRIENDS! YOU'LL DESTROY THAT GOOD OLD BOOK

OF PRAYER BETWEEN YOU."

Februaby 24, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

81

A GOOD JOKE.

On St. Valentine's day Mb. Thomas Caselet (some time participator
in the burglary at Mb. Walkee's) donned his full uniform and appeared
in the witness box of the Court of Queen's Bench. The whole case
was, from a theatrical point of view, most successful, and all the actors
concerned exerted themselves to the utmost in order to please their
audience. Their efforts met with the success they deserved, but
despite the wit and humour of the Chief Justice and the Counsel for
the defence, the Burglarious Witness distanced them by several good
laughs, and undoubtedly carried, away the palm. Mb. Caselet, in
getting his first laugh, made an exquisite point, by saying —

■ I know Sun Court well {laughter)."

What humour ! Mb. Walkeb's shop was in Sun Court, and given
most likely with a sly wink towards Mb. Walkeb, which convulsed the
jury. After a few answers spoken quietly, in order to lead up to the
next trump, he said —

"We opened Sir Charles's safe first {laughter)."

There's a good joke for you! How everyone in Court must have
wished to have been able to utter such a witticism as that. But the
second low comedian, Mb. Websteb, was getting jealous, so we read —

" Mr. Webster. Tou let yourselves down, then? {laughter)."

Neat this, not brilliant ; but Mb. Caselet was ready for him —

" Caselet. Just so {laughter)."

He had him there. The repartee polished Mb. Websteb off, and he
didn't try again for some time. Caselet now had it all his own way : —

" Caselet. I and another man took some tools with us, such as crowbars
(laughter). '

Again —

" We tested the safe to see whether it was possible to open it under the dis-
advantages under which we were labouring {loud laughter)."

This description of practical fun is as good, as a pantomime : Clown,
Mb. Caselet.

In fact the people roared with laughter at Me. Caselet's entertain-
ment. When Mr. Caselet lamented his " unfortunate experience " in
burglary, and evinced any tendency towards pathos, the audience would
no more hear of it, than they would accept Liston as Macbeth. So he
returned to his first line, and elicited screams of laughter by telling his
story about the "Alderman," the "Citizen," the "Citizen's friend,"
and so forth.

But for all this fun, which makes such a capital story, and is so
humorous in the telling, Mb. Caselet is still undergoing penal servi-
tude. What a different view of the matter might have been taken, if
Mb. Caselet himself had, at his own trial, been permitted to tell his
story his own way, and had had, as defendant, such support from Judge,
Counsel, and Jury, as was given him the other day in the character of
witness. Let us suppose a case, say of manslaughter. Let us imagine
Mb. William de Sires on his trial for that humorous offence against
society ; and let us further suppose that the prisoner's mouth is allowed
to be open in his own defence, and the last hypothesis shall be that the
administration of justice is being made as pleasant as possible to all
parties. This would be something like the report, dramatically ren-
dered.

The prisoner, who appeared in evening dress, was then placed at the
bar. After the jury had been asked what they would take, the trial
commenced. The evidence having been given, in a genial way, as to
the fact, the prisoner entered upon his defence, and became a witness
in his own favour.

Mr. Jawkins, Q.C., for the prosecution. Tou had a pickaxe in your
hand when you entered the fields, eh ?

Prisoner {winks knowingly, and taps his nose). Would yer ?

[Roars of laughter.

Mr. Wigg {jocosely). You had, you know you had, you dog. [A laugh.

Prisoner {addressing Ms Lordship). 1 will now appear as Mb. Buck-
stone.

[Disappears for a second or so behind the dock, and re-appears as
Mr. Buckstone in Box and Cox; applause; Usher sup-
presses it.)

Prisoner {imitating.) I will tell you my brief but melancholy tale.

Mr. Jawkins {seeing a professional joke in the word brief.) In the case
of a brief-
Chief Justice {petulantly to Mr. Wigg.) Do be quiet.

Jury. Order, order.

Prisoner {resuming his imitation). I walked out one morning in the
salubrious neighbourhood of Ramsgate or Margate {laugh by a Juryman
who knows both places). I forget which ; it's so confoosin' {laughs).
Sometimes I 've got an idea it was Mamsgate ; no, I mean Rargate.
No, no, no, I don't mean that. Upon my word, I'm so confoosed
I hardly know what I do mean {roars.) So I '11 just lie down and take
my nap {yawns). Now, shall I swallow my nap before I take my break-
fast, or take my breakfast before I, . . . no— no— shall I nap my swallow ?
[Fawns; shouts of laughter ; great applause. Usher attempts to

suppress it, but is immediately ordered out of Court by the Judge.
Prisoner disappears behind dock, and re-appears in a different
wig, and a new dress. laughter and applause.
Mr. Jawkins. You quarrelled with Mb. Jenkins, I believe, and then
struck him with the pickaxe ?

Prisoner {imitating an Irishman). Sure, sorr, 'tis meself that did that
same {laughter). I tuk holt of ould Jenkins by the nape of his neck,
this way {illustrates on Mb. Jonas, the Governor of Newgate; roars),
and tuk up the bit of a pickaxe. {Apologetically, in his own natural voice,
to the Judge.) I beg your pardon, my Lord, but I am not a very good
hand at Irish imitations.

Chief Justice {encouragingly.) On the contrary, I think it very good
indeed ; pray go on. [Jury applaud.

Prisoner. If your Lordship will excuse me I will now appear as Old
Jenkins.

Chief Justice. I think if you showed us how you used the pickaxe, it
would be better fun. However, as you like.

Prisoner {after examining small boxes). I regret that I have not an
old man's wig here ; so that I must postpone Jenkins until a future
occasion. [Indulgent applause.

Mr. Jawkins. We can't get on without Jenkins.
Chief Justice {persuasively). Oh come, you must give us Jenkins.
Never mind the wig. [Usher laughs, and suppresses himself, immediately.
Prisoner. Well, my Lord, I '11 do the best I can. Old Jenkins, I
must explain now, to talk something like Mb. Compton {several laughs).
He came into the field and said {imitates), " The air's finer here than it
is in the metrolopus. When I got to the metrolopus, I went to my
banker's, and says I to the banker, ' It 's a curious fact, but I want the
pre-cise sum of two thousand pounds seven and sixpence ha'p'ny.' "
[Audience convulsed with laughter ; the Chief Justice wipes tears
from his eyes, and says "he never did."
Prisoner {continues his imitation.) " ' Oho ! ' says the' banker. Oho !
says I. 'Hum ! ' says the banker. Aha! says I,— and that's all."

[Great applause, during which Prisoner disappears, and re-appears
dressed as Mb. Toole in Joe the Fireman.
Mr. Jawkins. And the pickaxe ?
Jury. Order ! order !

Prisoner {as Mr. Toole). Well, you know, I did take up the pick-
axe, you know ; only when I heard he'd got this here two thousand
pounds all in real gold, including seven and sixpence ha'p'ny in his
pocket, I says, "Don't you see," says I, "Hand over, old Cocky," says
I, and finding him so unpersuadable, you see, I just taps him on the
head with the pickaxe, and it just went crack like old china: it did,
indeed.

[Roars ; convulsions ; a Juryman in fits of laughter is withdrawn,
and the case is adjourned pending his recovery.
Chief Justice {to Prisoner). It is almost a pity that a man like you
should waste your powers in cracking heads instead of jokes. However,
no matter. I think a vote of thanks should be presented to the Prisoner
for his admirable entertainment.
Foreman of Jury. Carried nem. con., my Lord.

[The Prisoner bows and retires : end of trial for that day, due notice
to be given of his next appearance in public.

A MERRY HOST.
We find this in the Salisbury Journal —

" Early on Monday morning a young man named Cha.rles Dter, who was lodg-
ing at the New Inn, Stapleford, was attacked by a rat, which caught him by the
right nostril, and held him most tenaciously. It was not until the landlord had
been called and entered the room with a light, that the animal could be driven.
away, and even then the sufferer had to drive it away himself. The landlord burst
into such a fit of immoderate laughter as to be unable to render any assistance."

The ability to be easily amused is a delightful one. We see it rather
largely developed in the audiences who listen to certain performances,
and to " comic" songs. But the landlord of the New Inn at Stapleford,
must be the very jolliest fellow in the world. Perhaps he is Mark
Tapley, removed from a certain well-beloved Dragon. Immoderate
laughter because a rat has hold of one's guest's nose is a feat worthy of
commemoration. Let us hope that so pleasing a talent may have scope
for development, and that the next rat may lay hold of mine host's own
nose. If he laughs then, the respected landlord must certainly change
his name to Democbitus Bong.

eesponsibilitt and bindebpest.

To " stamp out " the Cattle Plague how could we dare ?
Rebellion was "stamped out" by Govebnob Eybe !

Among the spooney bits of Goodyness which gem the provincial press
we read, " Value the friendship of him who stands by you in the
storm." What for ? He only wants you to let him come under your
umbrella.

82

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

[February 24, 1866,

PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN

In the Act of Writing a funny Poem for Punch, that will make you Die
of Laughing when you Head it.

[The enlarged photograph on the wall represents the same party wlien not
engaged in comic composition.

UNIVERSITY NOTICES.

The Professor of Botany will give a course of Lectures
on Weeds, their use and abuse ; with especial reference to
the so-called " real Havannahs." In connection with the
subject he proposes to form a Practical Class for the
benefit of those lately entered at the University. The fra-
grant herb will be supplied from the Botanic Garden.

The Regius Professor of Medicine will deliver a course of
Hollow ay's Pills to any gentleman desirous of taking them.

The Professor of Physiology proposes to lecture on Sculls,
and the best mode of feathering them. Practical classes
for the purpose of catching crabs will be held on the river
during the present term.

The Professor of Chemistry will commence a series of
experiments on his assistant, with the view of ascertaining
the strength of materials. Gentlemen who wish to attend
had better do so, or they will be desired to leave the room.

The Professor of Latin will lecture on the right princi-
ples of " Translation," as applied to Bishops in the present
day. He also proposes, later in the term, to discuss the
value of Latin " Composition" as an agent for preventing
the fouling of ships' bottoms.

The Professor of Music is at home, as usual, in the Cave
of Harmony, where those who attend his lectures are re-
quested to make themselves very much at home also.
Punch on the table at nine o'clock. First-rate talent en-
gaged. The Demonstrator of Anatomy will, by special
request, give a few performances on the " bones," and
some prime matches between the Proctor's bull-dogs arc
expected to come off.

The Professor of Mechanical Philosophy will lecture
during the present term on Hair Brushing by machinery,
with observations on its influence on the Heads of Houses,
and on the state of the poll at the close of the last Oxford
election.

Results of Reform.

Dear Mr. Punch,— I read all the country papers, and
in at least ten this week I find

" A QUANTITY of Good SWEDES for SALE."

And Sweden has just been reforming her Constitution.
Slavery is the result, shameless slavery! O, let Lord
Russell be warned in time. Tours in terror

Carlton Club. An Old Tory.

A BORE EOR THE HOME-OEFICE.

Scene — A Smoking-Room. Chaffington and Snears tete-a-tete.

Chaff. Oh, I say !

Snears. What ?

Chaff. Listen to this— from the West Sussex Gazette. Petworth
Petty Sessions. Present — G. Barttelot and J. Napper, Esqs.
(Reads) : —

" Stealing Wood. — Luke Ploate, labourer, was charged with having, in the
parish of Pulborough, on the 2?nd of December last, stolen one piece of wood, of the
■value of 2d., the property of George Parker, labourer. Prisoner, who said he
picked up the wood on the road, was sentenced to two months' imprisonment, with
hard labour.

" Another Case of Wood Stealing. — John Freeman was charged with stealing
a piece of wood, value Id., the property of vv illiam Wood, of the parish of Billings-
hurst ; and was sentenced to one month's imprisonment with hard labour."

What a shame !

Snears. No doubt the Magistrates were quite right. ,

Chaff. Perhaps.

Snears. In all probability the fellows they sent to prison were noto-
rious thieves.

Chaff. Very likely.

Snears. Caught out at last in stealing wood, and very properly sen-
tenced to imprisonment and hard labour. Only whipping ought to have
been added.

Chaff. Still I say, what a shame !

Snears. What ! a shame of the Magistrates to punish them as they
deserved ?

Chaff. No ; of the newspaper reporter, in not stating the circum-
stances— if there were any, such as you suppose— that made their
punishment just.

Snears. Whether it was just or not, what signifies ?

Chaff. Nothing, of course, to hard-headed men like you and myself —
who, by the way, should all marry strong-minded women, and then, if

their children turned out very unlike their parents, what nice people
some in the next generation would be !

Snears. It is merely a sentimental question.

Chaff. Partly, not merely. As far as justice or injustice is concerned,
it is merely a sentimental, or, as sentimentalists say, a moral question.
But, besides that, it is a question of money. How much does it cost to
keep a man in gaol?

Snears. I don't know. The keep of a pauper in a workhouse, though,
is <Ss. <6d. a-week.

Chaff. Then, of course, that of a thief in prison would amount to a
good deal more.

Snears. Well?

Chaff. Suppose those two men imprisoned, with hard labour, for
stealing penn'orths of wood, were not habitual thieves, they would have
cost nobody anything out of gaol, unless they had gone into the work-
house, and then they would have cost less than they do now, living,
luxuriously, a month and two months in quod. If the Magistrates have
made a mistake in committing them, they have put the County to need-
less expense. I don't say they have made a mistake, mind ; but people
will think they have.

Snears. What if people do P Who cares for popular indignation ?

Chaff. Echo answers, nation. But as likely as not they will
memorialise the Home Secretary to remove those Beaks from the
Commission of the Peace.

Snears. Ah ! yes, now I see. That will be a bore for Sir George
Grey. What with this Cattle Plague, and Reform, and one thing and
another, he has more irons in the fire than he can manage. It certainly
is a shame of reporters to make imperfect statements, which, as they
stand, are calculated to give poor Grey the trouble of at least inquiring
whether certain Magistrates are judicious enough to be fit to perform
judicial functions. Give me a light.

Scraggy. — Miss Martineau is supposed to have counselled the
Ballet to prudence, in her excellent work, Mind among the Spindles.

February 24, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

83

THE BALLET ON THE PLATFORM.

his season it is proposed
to vary the entertainments
provided for the serious
public by the introduction
of a new species of per-
formance at Exeter Hall.
The frequenters of that
quasi sacred edifice for the
most part cherish an in-
superable objection to
theatrical amusements,
insomuch that perhaps
very few of them have
ever entered a playhouse
except for the purpose of
hearing a special sermon
p reached there. They can-
not be brought to believe
in the great moral im-
provement that has been
wrought in the modern
drama.

There is a species of
dramatic exhibition which,
if presented to them else-
where than in a theatre,
would enlarge the rather
too narrow circle of the
recreations which they are
in need of, without in the least offending any of their reasonable scruples, or of
their respectable, if groundless, prejudices.

They would certainly see nothing to censure in the spectacle of a duly regulated
ballet. As this species of performance, apart from the mere orchestra, appeals
exclusively to the eye, of course it cannot possibly scandalise them by any verbal
impropriety, like profane swearing, or any other bad language, such as they perhaps
suppose they would still, even in these times, be likely to hear uttered on the stage.
Although the action of a ballet consists wholly in dancing, the dancing of
a ballet is not promiscuous; and it is only to promiscuous dancing, and not to
dancing in itself, that serious persons object. Ballet dancing is now based purely

on the principle of the Spurgeon Quadrilles. The youthful
Shepherd, or other male personage who assists in the
ballet, does nothing more than steady the leading dan-
seme occasionally in her pose. For this purpose, in the
Exeter Hall ballets, a young minister in his proper
character of Pastor, and costume of black ditto and white
tie, can walk on when he is wanted.

The subject whereon the first of the series of ballets
about to be produced at Exeter Hall will be founded, is,
we understand that of Tlw Dairyman's Daughter. It will
conclude with a grand Illumination. Scene in the Bowers
of Bliss, attended with a brilliant distribution of tracts.

The profits of these performances will be devoted to
the aid of a charitable association, which has been instituted
by some benevolent ladies and gentlemen. Its object is
to help ballet-girls towards_ saving the wherewithal to
support themselves, after their superannuation, or in sick-
ness or distress, by the pursuit of some honest calling.
They are superannuated at thirty-five; the wages which
they have previously been earning by the labour of their
legs average £1 per week, ranging between 30s. and 12*.,
and out of that they must find their own shoes, which,
what little leisure rehearsals allow them, they have to
spend in cobbling. The " Ballet Benefit Fund" has been
founded to encourage them to put by 1*. a fortnight, or as
much more as they can, in the Post-office Savings' Bank.
A Subscription to this deserving Charity is opened at
Drummonds', and our serious readers will perhaps contri-
bute directly thereunto, if any unforeseen hindrance should
defeat the idea of bringing out Tlie Dairyman's Daughter as
a ballet at Exeter Hall.

[When, two years ago, Mr. Punch took up his cudgel to
poke Benevolence in the chest on behalf of the ballet-girls,
it turned out that there were already in existence provident
institutions, of whose benefits the ladies of the ballet could
avail themselves, by subscription, if they chose. These
were, and are, the Dramatic and Equestrian Fund, and the
General Benevolent Theatrical Fund. — Editor.]

A' Coursing Conundrum. — When is a greyhound not
a greyhound ? When it turns a hare !

MR. PEABODY'S GIFT.

Mb, Punch,

The other day I read a book entitled Haifa Million of Money.
That was fiction. Soon afterwards I read a letter in which an American
merchant resident in London expressed his intention to increase a gift
he had already made to the poor of London, so that it should amount
to a quarter of a million of money. That was fact. How best can we
thank Mr. Peabody ? Am I right in my impression that we received
his first donation with rather an excess of well-bred calmness, with a
suppression of emotion and feeling which it would not have been un-
becoming, if we had startled the best society by unrestrainedly display-
ing ? And now that Mr. Peabody's gift is made perfect and complete,
I fancy we are in danger of falling again into the same state of
gentlemanly composure. Is it that we are overwhelmed by its mag-
nitude ? Is it that events of greater importance have diverted our
attention from Mr. Peabody's unexampled benevolence? Can we
think of nothing else than Lord Sydney's mission to invest the new
Leopold with the sacred Garter ; or Lord Wenlock's amusing ento-
mological trial ; or the absorbing question— shall Pope Hennessy have
a seat again in the House of Commons ? or the christening of a baby
Princeling at Osborne ; or the happy thought that led a French lady
to appear at an Imperial masqued ball as the Archangel Michael ; or
the blessings of that episcopal wisdom which is said to be meditating a
remonstrance to the Pope and his Bishops against the spread of
Mariolatry ? (His Holiness would probably not show more contempt
if he were asked to preach at one of the Special Sunday Services in the
Britannia Theatre.)

I will confess to you that I indulged myself with the thought that it
would be a graceful conclusion to the reference sure to be made to
American affairs in the Queen's Speech, if a few words of cordial recog-
nition were devoted to the munificence of this great American citizen.
Of course, I was immediately ashamed of myself for thinking such a
thing possible ; and I hope you will overlook the ignorance of etiquette,
routine, and precedent — the shadowy creatures that hold us back when we
are yearning to obey some noble impulse— betrayed by such a disordered
fancy. When I read the Speech, all feelings of disappointment about
Mr. Peabody evaporated, for I found that from the beginning to the
end of the Royal oration there was not a line to commemorate the name
and the fame of the great Minister lying so near in the sacred silence of
the Abbey. The shadowy creatures were again appalled by my auda-
cious expectation, and held out menacingly a noose of ruddy tape.

I then waited to see whether Mr. Childers, in proposing a public loan
in aid of the erection of houses for the labouring poor would introduce
Mr. Peabody's name. He did, and handsomely : and I am not without
hope that before the vessel of State gets into the chopping seas that lie
in its track, the Captain, or perhaps the first lieutenant, may say some-
thing on this American question which would give unqualified satisfac-
tion on both sides the Atlantic. You will not misunderstand me. You
will not suppose that when I speak of thanking Mr. Peabody, I am
thinking of gold boxes, or addresses beautifully engrossed on vellum
and enclosed in polished caskets, or public banquets, or services of
plate. His gift towers above all ordinary gifts, as St. Paul's rises over
all meaner edifices ; but it does seem to me that it should be acknow-
ledged and gratefully recorded by the voice of the eloquent speaker and
the pen of the eloquent writer, be it in Parliament or in the pulpit, from
the public platform or in the columns of the omnipotent Press. To
some extent this has been done, but not commensurate with the mag-
nitude, the rarity, and the disinterestedness of the gift.

When I read the unprofitable proceedings of Convocation, the dis-
cussions about canons and catechisms, rubrics and conscience clauses,
I think to myself that Mr. Peabody may be doing more for the souls
of the poor, by providing for their bodies, than both Houses of Convo-
cation will do, though they should sit to the end of the century, and
enjoy a fresh gravamen at each sitting.

If I were the Bishop of London, out of the fund with which his
name will be imperishably associated, in every district containing a
Peabody block of buildings, or dwellings for the poor, such as Alder-
man Waterlow understands how to build, I would provide a working
Clergyman ; sure that he would find eager listeners in men and women,
translated from styes of filth and disease, and degradation, to homes
abounding in cleanliness, and health, and comfort, through the direct
bounty or beneficent example of the man who has arisen to the rescue
and deliverance of the poor of London— George Peabody.

Perhaps the best commemoration of their benefactor by the Peabody
settlements would be a day's holiday in the country every summer, on
his birthday, if it falls in one of the leafy months.

A London Correspondent.

SEE WHAT IT IS TO BE A CLASSIC WIT.

Why is a Greek scholar like a brave warrior ?
Because he makes light of his <£«s.

84

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 24, 1866.

STIRRING INCIDENT OF MODERN LIFE.

" Last Saturday, Mr. B n happened to make a morning call on Mrs. S th, a lady living near Portman Square. During his visit,

Mrs. S th went into another part of the house, to fetch the last number of Punch, leaving him alone in the dining-room with Cicely,

her daughter, a person of determined appearance, who suddenly said, ' Pease, Mr. B N, wipe poor Cissy's nose ! * Nobody was within

call — the danger was imminent. Mr. B n did not, however, lose all presence of mind. It appears he rarely, if ever, stirs from home

without a pocket-handkerchief, concealed somewhere about his person — a wise precaution at this time of the year. Fixing his eye on the

young lady, he cautiously drew it from his pocket, and then but we will not harrow the feelings of the unmarried reader with a detailed

account of what followed.

"Mr. B n is only four-and- twenty, and of active rather than powerful build. We hear that his daring act will shortly be rewarded

by the hand and heart of Mrs. S th's beautiful but accomplished sister, who had been an unsuspected witness of his chivalrous self-
devotion." — The Bloomsbury Guardian.

[Our Artist has selected (judiciously, we think) the inoment when Mr. B n is feeling in his pocket for the inoffensive weapon.

HOW TO GET GOOD SERVANTS.

Charity covereth a multitude of skins, and thrusteth meat and
drink down a multitude of throttles. Charity, besides this, giveth
homes to the homeless, and findeth friends to help the friendless : saving
them thereby from the "bath like mutton-broth" and other casual
horrors of the workhouse casual ward. A believer in the uses of well-
directed charity, Mr. Punch will ever keep his columns open to its
claims. A few inches of this "valuable space" are therefore spared for
the admission of a plea for the Female Aid Society, which, in order to
extend its serviceable aid, now needs substantial help itself.

This Society provides a " Home for Friendless Young Females " (as
the Secretary calls them — for the last time, be it hoped : the man who
nicknames women "females," deserves to have his ears boxed). Orphan
girls and others who need shelter and protection are received and taken
care of, and trained in household duties, and when fit for service are
provided with a place. People who are always complaining of bad
servants should subscribe to this Society, whose aim is to make good
ones. The complaint is now almost as universal as the cattle-plague :
and were each of the complainants every year to send a sovereign to the
Female Aid Society (27, Red Lion Square), we should not hear so
much talk of the wilfulness of housemaids and the wastefulness of
cooks.

SEASONABLE TRANSLATION.

Lentus in umbra.— Under a lent umbrella.

LETTER FROM A BATH BRICK.
O, Punch !

What do you think of " genteel" Bath now. This favourite
retreat of extreme propriety, threepenny whist, " serious " half-pay
officers, plain women, and general dulness? One would expect at
least common decorum in such a place. Well, the " ladies " of Bath,
in the first ecstasies of loyal cackle, ordered a beautiful present for the
Princess of Wales. But, being too shabby to pay for it, they are
now showing it at a shilling a head! True, by the pigs of King
Bladud. Of course the Princess could never accept such a thing, now,
even if the two or three hundred pounds could be raised here, a very
unlikely event. Truly, Bath is a " genteel " city, and I am,

Yours truly,
Milsom Street. An Ashamed Bathonian.

An Inevitable Sequence.

" The Convocation of York has done some better service by discussing the treat-
ment of Mr. Nihill, as the opinion of a clerical body might have weight with a
Bishop ; but the discussion came to nothing."— Pall Mall Qazelte.

What else could be expected ?
Ex Nihilo nihil fit.

Motto for. the London Railways.— Solitudinem faciunt ;
appellant.

station

Printed bv William Bradburv, of No. 13. Upper Wohurn Place, in the Parish of St. ParcaB, in the County of Middlesex, and Frederick' Wullett Eirans, of No. 11. Bouverie Street, in. (lie Precinct of
Whitefriars, City of London, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in toe Precinit of vVoirefri-irs, City of London, and published ay tttetn at No. S6, Fleec Street, in the Pariah of 8>t. O we, t»ty
of London— Satuhdai, February 14, 1866.

March 3, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVATH.

85

OUR MONTHLY WEATHER REPORT.

Captain O'Leary and Miss Roberts — Report it " Awfully Jolly." Miss Roberts' Parents — Report it " Something Dreadful."

LINES BY A CAMBRIDGE ANCIENT MARINER.

ADDEESSED TO HIS UNIVERSITY.

Wish ye, sons of Alma Mater,

Long lost laurels to replace ?
Listen to a stout old Pater,

Once renowned in many a race.
Now, alas ! I 'm fat and forty,

And my form grows round to -view ;
And my nose is rather " porty,"

But my heart is still light-blue.

'Tis as bad as an emetic,

E'en my 'baccy I refuse,
When I hear that sports athletic,

Interfere with Cambridge crews.
Once a Grecian runner famous,

Scorned to fight his country's foes ;
And to Greece, as some to Camus,

Caused innumerable woes.

When I hear the voice parental

Cry, "my youngster shall not row ! "
Then my wrath is transcendental,

Then my words with vigour flow.
Sires, with hearts of alabaster,

Your stern " vetos " yet you'll rue ;
When ye see a sixth disaster,

Overwhelm your loved light-blue.

But whate'er to Cambridge happen,

Sons of Cam behave like men !
Bally round your royal Cap'n,

King of Lake, and King of Fen !
Fortune helps the brave who court her,

Only to yourselves be true;
And perhaps, on Putney's water,

Victory will crown light-blue.

When your Cox'en cries " all ready,"

Be alert, dismiss all napping;
Get well forward, all sit steady,

Grasp the oar, avoid all " capping."
Shoulders square, backs straight, eyes ever

Fixed upon the back before ;
Then all eight, with one endeavour,

Dip at once the bladed oar.

Catch your stroke at the beginning,

Then let legs with vigour work :
Little hope has he of winning,

Who his " stretcher " loves to shirk.
Let your rigid arms, extended,

Be as straight as pokers two ;
And until the stroke is ended,

Pull it, without jerking, through !

Thus all disputations spurning,

Ye, ere many a year has past,
While old Fortune's wheel is turning,

Yictory shall taste at last.
Ere some Ministerial Cox'en,

Finds a cure for Plague of Cattle ;
Ye shall triumph over Oxon,

On your watery field of battle.

Argonaut.

To a Correspondent.

A Gentleman troubled with a short memory having acquired the
bad habit of turning down a leaf of a book so as to remember where he
left off, writes to say that he never can recollect a street that he 's only
been in once. How is he to remedy this defect P Very simply : let
him do as he does with his books, turn down a corner.

The Diet oe Worms — Assafoetida and Onions.— See Times of Feb. 10.

vol. L.

86

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 3, 1866.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

AJORA CANAMUS, for
Saturday, February
18, 1866, will be a
day to be remem-
bered in Parlia-
mentary annals. On
the previous even-
ing Government
determined that the
Habeas Corpus Act
must be suspended
in Ireland. The
Fenian-pest has to
be stamped out.
So Queen, Lords,
and Commons had
all to unite, and in
one day to pass the
Suspension Act.

The Commons,
like the kettle, be-
gan it. Sib. George
Grey stated that
the cessation of the
American war had
released a great
number of Irish
Americans from
service, and that
many of these had come to Ireland, in order to promote Fenianism. They were
regularly paid by somebody, were biding their time for an outbreak, and were doing
their worst to cause disaffection. They were " wanted," but to make a general
capture of the rascals, it was necessary to dispense with the law which forbids arrest
without warrant, and imprisonment without appeal to the judges; Mr. Disraeli
supported the Government, with divers censures, not of weight. He gave, possibly
from conviction, a strong testimony to the loyalty of the Catholic priesthood. _

Mr. Bright saw his way to a clap-trap speech which should not inconvenience
his friend Earl Russell, and he let off a very sonorous one, which Mr. Glad-
stone described as containing what was in part untrue, in part open to question,
and generally out of place. Anything more characteristic of the shopkeeper (who
hurries an article into his window because something about that article is in the
morning's papers) and less of the statesman, can hardly be imagined. It may
easily be imagined that the grievance-shop received the caustic attentions of
those two keen-eyed flaneurs, Messrs. Roebuck and Horsman. An Irish
Member, Mr. Dillon, declared Ireland to be sadly misgoverned, as most
countries are, where men "depend" upon Governments, or one another, or
anything but individual energy, punctuality, and truthfulness. Mr. Mill said
that we were not responsible for the misdeeds of past centuries, but that
there was work to be done for Ireland, and he supported Government. Mr.
Moore (Irish) demanded land legislation, and the destruction of the Irish Church ;
Colonel Conolly (Irish) said that Ireland was improving, and that Fenianism was
a foreign movement ; Sir John Gray (Irish) replied to Mr. Roebuck, who had
scoffed at the new-born loyalty of the priests, and the O'Donoghue (very Irish)
said that Ireland did not want coercion, and that the Fenians did not mean robbery
and murder. He opposed the suspension.

Mr. Gladstone made short work with the objectors, and in answer to Mr.
Bright, who had said that the Irish would gladly unmoor their island, and take
it two thousand miles to the west, declined to recognise the voice of the Irish
people, except through their representatives, who were supporting the proposals of
Government. The unity of sentiment displayed by the Irish people would enable
Ministers to put down a wicked conspiracy.

The handful of dissentients took a division, when the Government had 364, and
their opponents had 6. In three minutes more the Bill had been read three times
and passed.

The Cattle Bill also passed, and it is to be hoped that somebody knows, or
means to know what it enacts, for it has since gone through the Lords, and is Law.
Their Lordships sat waiting tor the Habeas Corpus Bill, which Sir George
Gbey brought them as soon as it was ready. After speeches from Earls Russell
and Derby it was hastened through the House, and an appointment was made to
meet at eleven at night, for the Royal Assent, the Queen being in the Isle of Wight.
But a luggage train — rien n'est sacre pour un Van Demon — got in the way of the
royal assent bringer, and Mr. Bunch has to place for the first time on. record the
entry that on

Sunday the Housps, slightly represented, met. The Suspension Bill became
Law. As Bunch's History of England will supersede all others, it may be con-
venient to mention that Government had not been so Jolly Green as to wait until
notice had been given to all the rascals concerned to hide themselves, but made
a grand police raid on the Saturday, and walked off about a hundred astonished
Fenians to gaol with the utmost promptitude. Since then the Guards have been
sent to Ireland, and the Stamp-Out of the pest promises to be effectual.
Isolation is the first experiment. We had hoped that it would render execution
unnecessary, but the Fenians have begun to murder.

Monday. The Lords passed a Bill enabling Government
to seize the Telegraph lines in Ireland. They could already
do so in England, but have not availed themselves of the
power, and indeed a very frightful collision might occur if,
while Mr. Punch was in the telegraph office, requesting
the young lady clerk to transmit a kiss to Mrs. Julia
Punch, Earl Russell should try to shoulder him out of
the niche, in order to dispatch a State secret.

In the Commons, Mr. Thomas Hughes offered resist-
ance to another Railway Bill for cutting a poor neighbour-
hood to pieces without any provision for the ejected, and
though he disclaimed any intention of hindering legislation
which was likely to be useful, our friend Tom Brown
compelled the railwaymen to acknowledge the justice of
his views, and to suggest his endeavouring to carry a
general resolution on the subject. And this he means to try.

Mr. Darby Griffith, amid laughter, of course, demanded
whether the fact that the Royal Assent to the Suspension
Act had been given on Sunday did not make the proceed-
ings illegal. Mr. Griffith was quite right to ask the
question. As a well-informed man, he knows that if you
cut your nails on Sunday you will sup sorrow on Monday,
that if it rains on Sunday it is because it rained on Friday,
that a deed dated on Sunday is utterly void, and that a child
born on a Sunday will never like onions, and he is to be
commended for bringing his great general information to
the aid of the State. The Home Secretary, however, had
studied the subject, and was able to say that the Suspen-
sion Act was valid.

Mr. Gladstone announced that our friend, Mr. Boxall
(an eminent artist and a courteous gentleman) had been
appointed Director of the National Gallery, and that such
appointment was made solely because Earl Russell be-
lieved Mr. Boxall to be the most efficient man for the
purpose. If there were a sarcasm latent in such a back-
handed compliment to a Whig nobleman, Mr. Punch
declines to see it, and congratulates Mr. Boxall.

Mr. Hunt's Cattle Bill then came on, and Parliament
was delivered, like the martyrs in Rome, to the beasts.

Tuesday. The Bill enabling public bodies and others to lend
pictures to the great show which Mr. Cole has so wisely
got Lord Derby to father, was read a Second Time. And
a very good show it will be, and Mr. Punch is only sorry
that he did not live in past ages, that his own portrait might
have been the gem of the Exhibition.

Something came out, touching which there will be a
most hideous row, or the Irish Protestants and their English
backers have lost their taste for a shindy. Government
means to make a concession to the Irish Catholics in the

matter of University Education, and but we don't want

to spoil sport— let the parties concerned hit on the scent.
If the game were Hide and Seek, we should cry " very
warm" when the Protestant approached the articles called
"affiliation," and "Senate."

Mr. Torrens, with an excellent speech, introduced a Bill
to provide better dwellings for artisans and labourers.
One fact which he stated will show why public aid is neces-
sary, or at least why private aid will not be granted. Such
dwellings will not pay a speculator more than 5 per cent.,
and he looks for at least 7.

Mr. Clay, having promised his constituents to intro-
duce a Reform Bill, manfully fulfilled his promise. He pro-
poses that any person who may choose to offer himself to
the Civil Service Commissioners for examination, and shall
show that he can read, write, spell, and work the four
rules of arithmetic, may be placed on the register. The
process shall cost him half-a-crown. It may be thought
that the qualification is low, but how many Members of
the Houses of Lords and Commons, suddenly brought
to the test, would be plucked ? Punch knows at least a
score, who could about as easily do compound multiplication
as take an observation of the sun, and whom he would
not at all like to bring, in an unprepared state, up to
hegemoney, ptarmegan, sphynx, yatch, acknowledgement,
heighth, rhythmycal, or anthropopathetically. Three very
smart speeches, from Mr. Gregory, Lord Elcho, and Mr.
Horsman, followed, and then Mr. Gladstone, compli-
menting Mr. Clay on his clear and lucid speech, intimated
with equal clearness and lucidity that nothing should ex-
tract from him the slightest information as to the inten-
tions of Government in regard to Reform. In the
interest of History, Mr. Punch may mention that at this date
the public mind was puzzled (though not agitated) by the
most opposite declarations from those who are supposed to
be in Ministerial confidence ; one set alleging that we are

March 3, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

87

to have a franchise Bill only, and another, that we are to have a
re-distribution of seats. Quien sabe?

Wednesday. In answer to an excessively pious Kentish baronet called
Sir Brook Bridges, Sib George Grey again declined appointing a
fast day for a "national calamity" which .did not affect the whole of
the United Kingdom.

Sir C. O'Loghlen introduced a Bill for abolishing the starvation
system by which juries are forced to give Ugolino verdicts. It also
proposed to empower the discharge of juries who disagreed. The
Solicitor-Gen ebal wished the question to stand over until it was
seen whether the baby murderess, Charlotte Winsoe, could be
legally hanged or not.

Thursday. Lord Halifax, olim Sir Charles Wood, took his seat
as a Peer.

Stately doings in the Commons. £6,000 a-year and £30,000 down,
were given to Princess Helena; and £15,000 a-year to Cap-
tain Prince Alfred. Mr. Gladstone made a curious mistake
about the young lady, describing her as the eldest unmarried daughter
at the time the Queen was left a widow. He must have forgotten, for
the moment, an exquisite sonnet in which Mr. Punch offered his homage
to Princess Alice in reference to her filial conduct at that season.
Next night he apologised, and we beg him to think no more about it.

In an eloquent speech, worthy the occasion, Mr. Gladstone then
moved the erection of a memorial to Lord Palmerston. Mr.
Disraeli briefly but gracefully seconded the motion. Mr. Hope
hoped that the monument would be really a noble one, and Sir John
Pakington, adverting to the fact that we have as yet no memorial to
Wellington, trusted that no unworthy delay would occur.

On the Jamaica Constitution Bill Colonel Edwardes managed to
let out his indignation on behalf of Governor Lyre, but all other
speakers carefully kept off the tabooed ground.

Friday. Sir Robeet Peel, out of office, may he troublesome.
To-night he stuck to Mr. Gladstone until he got a promise that
nothing should be done in re Catholic Education, until the House
should be consulted.

A Neutrality debate, touching American affairs, brought out a fine
speech from Mr. Gladstone, who spoke as one more mindful of
English honour than of Anglo-American fanaticism. The proceedings
of the night had the usual conversazione character ; but everything has
an end.

DISRAELI AND DUTY !

We can hardly believe that Mr. Disraeli, on the motion to give
Palmerston a statue, really said to Mr. Speaker : —

" I trust, Sir, that the time may never come when the love of fame shall cease to
be the sovereign passion of our public men."

Why, Benjamin, has not the time already come when the love of
good and truth is the sovereign passion of every public man who
deserves a statue instead of a caricature? Is not the desire to effect
wise and just legislation, to do the best that you can for your country
and mankind at large, the ruling motive which causes you, yourself, to
aspire at office ? Oh dear, what injustice you do your own nature !
" Know thyself," says old Philosophy, but has said it in vain to you,
Ben ; you are a great Statesman, and you know a thing or two, but
self-knowledge is certainly not yovufort. Earnestness is.

Jolly for Sir Joshua !

The Polytechnic announces, amongst its various attractions, " The
Cherubs Floating in the Air— after Sir Joshua Reynolds." That
must, indeed, be a glimpse of Paradise. Dante, in his Vision of that
abode of bliss, never probably contemplated anything more delightful
than the spectacle of a great Artist with cherubs floating after him in
the air.

Paradoxical.

The largest house in town

Is larger when increased ;
When let to somebody, say Brown,

The largest house is lease 'd.

tantalising announcement.
" No Charge for Stamping ?" Ah, Mr. Punch, don't I wish the Cattle
Plague could be stamped out on those terms ? Yours truly John Bull

(Advertisement.)
CCHOOL FOR UNGOVERNABLE BOYS.— The Advertiser, who has
*J had much experience in the management of disobedient and disorderly children,
■will be happy to take charge of one or two hundred young Fenians answering this
description. Terms moderate. Address, Rev. Habeas Corpus, care of Miss Ireland,
College Green.

BOS LOCUTUS EST.

Pity the sorrows of a poor old Cow,
With Rinderpest a-knocking at the door,

And what 's far worse, these Acts that won't allow
A chance for life, e'en if the plague's got o'er.

Local self-government for cow or man

To live or die by, as the case might be,
I fondly hoped was England's settled plan,

But with self-government 'tis all U.P. !

While gentle Grey controlled the English roast,

Local authorities were potent still ;
By varying light from centre unto coast

To read the Council's Orders at their will.

But loud and louder in bucolic roar,

" Slay, isolate, stamp out ! " exclaimed the squires ;
Remonstrant Grey and Baring backward bore,

And quenched the Council's ineffectual fires.

And Hunt rushed to the squirearchy's front,
And smote self-government between the brows ;

And where Grey scourged with whips, determined Hunt
With scorpions scourged us miserable cows.

'Twas at the Rinderpest he aimed his blow,
That blow may reach the Rinderpest or not,

But our doomed backs the burden undergo,
And, hap what will, 'tis we must pay the shot !

Stagg'ring beneath our statutory load,
Of clause, exception, penalty, and pain —

Forbade to change a field, or cross a road,
Eined if we move, and if we finger, slain ;

If foreigners, doomed, where we land, to die ;

If natives, when we're sick, debarred from cure;
No med'cine but the pole-axe let to try —

A remedy at once too sharp and sure !

Vain to search either Act for fault or flaw,
To find what each permits, what each allows ;

For though the Acts are such as cows might draw,
They won't leave their construction to the cows.

To starve our towns, nor yet from plague ensure,
The taxes swell, yet farmers not relieve ;

To kill us hapless cows by way of cure,
Is all collective wisdom can achieve !

Months since, perhaps, one effort sharp and strong.
Had stamped the plague out, but that asked a will ;

You halted between "kill or cure" so long,
The case has grown past cure, howe'er you kill.

And when the pest, sown broadcast, wide has spread,

To panic from paralysis you swing;
And to the Cattle plague the Steppes have bred.

Add all the cattle-plagues your Acts must bring.

No Mistaken Identity.

Certain newspapers announce the intended " Secession to Rome"
of the Rev. P. Gcrdon, vicar of Assington in Suffolk, who " has been
for some time identified with the ultra-ritualist party in the Eastern
Counties." In the paragraph containing this intelligence, it is further
stated that " Mr. Gubdon will shortly leave Assington. " Identified,"
as the reverend gentleman has been, " with the ultra-ritualist party"
will net all the asses of Assington follow their leader P

An Old Nursery Chime.

{New Song from, the Cattle Plague Delates?)

Air — " Jack and Jill."

" Kill" and " kill," says either Bill :
No cure 's allowed but slaughter ;
Grey comes down
Poleaxe on crown,
And Hunt comes axing arter.

hitting the bight nail on the head.
The title for Mb. Waed Hunt {when elevated to the Peerage, on
the demand of a grateful squirearchy) — Lord Axe-min'steb.

88

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 3, 1866.

CONSIDERATE.

Churchwarden. " Tell ye what 'tis, Sir. The Congregation do wish you wouldn't pdt that 'ere Curate up in Polpit —
Nobody can't hear un."

Old Sjiorting Rector. " Well, Blunt, the Fact ia, Tweedler 's such a good Fellow for Parish Work, I 'm obliged to give

HIM A MOUNT SOMETIMES."

ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE.

Incense.— The Bishop of London has admitted that any congregation,
or any member thereof, may be justly incensed by the Clergyman or
Clergymen of the parish.

Symbolism. — That where the use of symbols is desired by the congre-
gation, they may be played simultaneously with the organ.

New Officer.— The Bishop of Oxford thinks of creating a new officer
in his diocese. He will be Inspector of Ecclesiastical Vestments, and
will take rank with the Groom of the Stole.

New Bishop and Orders.

1. Proposal for Convocation, that, instead of getting the Queen to
make a new Bishop, His Grace of Canterbury should proceed to insti-
tute a Shilling Ordinary at Lambeth Palace, for the benefit of the
Clergy only. This would bring them together daily at two o'clock.
Orders given while the Archbishop's in the room.

2. That an Arch Deacon shall, during the sitting of Convocation, say,
at all events, one funny thing. In the event of his not complying with
this rule, he will be deposed, 'and an Archer Deacon will have his place.

3. That any unauthorised approach to intercommunion between the
Anglican and Russian Churches is to be reprobated. We may adopt
the cassock, but should avoid the Cossack.

4. That during the Long Vacation the Reader at the Temple may
skip his lessons.

Probable Ecclesiastical Preferments.

Mr. Clark, of the Haymarket, collated to Amen Corner.

Mr. Prank Matthews to a vacant stall at St. James's, when such
an event occurs.

Mr. John Parry to St. Bride's. Many a happy couple will attend
his " Wedding Breakfast."

For Theological Students.

The Bishop of London, remembering his Schoolmaster days, advises
young Candidates to study Ussher's works.

Convocation at its next meeting will take into consideration the pro-
priety of appointing a Naval Chaplain to every See.

The dress of the Military Chaplains is to be bearskin, regimental
collar, bands, short surplice with epaulettes, hood according to degree,
sword, jackboots, and spurs. If the Chaplain-in-Chief to the forces
is raised to the rank of a Bishop, the mitre with a red feather in the
top will take the place of the bearskin. He will also carry a pouch full
of charges ; and on field-days will take precedence of the Cannons.
There is nothing more, thank you, to-day.

PAINTED BABIES.

In Paris the fine ladies not merely smear themselves with rouge, but
make their babies even wear it ! And the law provides no punishment
for such disgusting outrages. Will this French fashion, we wonder,
become popular in England ? Girls with pimply faces and bad com-
plexions wear rouge and pearl-powder unblushingly enough — at least
nobody can see their blushes, if they have any. Will such artists,
when they marry, take to colouring their children ? Painting on
velvet is a very pretty art ; but to paint upon the velvet of a baby's
dimpled cheek is a worse outrage upon nature than painting on a lily.
English ladies mostly take their fashions from the French, but we hope
they will not introduce this infant school of painting. If Mr. Klngs-
ley's Water Babies be translated into French, perhaps, to make them
popular, the babies will be painted, and put forward with the title of the
Water-colour Babies.

QUESTION TO A WORKING GARDENER.

" Of all your trees which yields most fruit ? " Says he,
" Sir, the best fruits come from my Indus-tree."

DEFINITION OF A TERM. (BY OUR OWN PEPPER'S GHOST.)

1 Making a dead set " — a party of Ghosts arranging a quadrille.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI— March 3, 1866.

THE FENIAN-PEST.

Hibernia. "0 MY DEAR SISTER, WHAT ARE WE TO DO WITH THESE TROUBLESOME PEOPLE:?"
Britannia. "TRY ISOLATION EIRST, MY DEAR, AND THEN "

March 3, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

91

REVIEWS OF NEW MUSIC.

1. Never forget the Bear Ones.

2. Rock me to Sleep.

3. Hark, the Bells are Ringing.

4. I Naviganti.

5. / cannot bear to say Farewell.

6. When Gentle Ones are Round us.

7. I slept, and 0 houo sweet the Bream !

1. This is a ballad which mates it clear that its composer has not
been unmindful of the fact that the chief component parts of practical
music are melody, harmony, and rhythm, by which latter term we do
not mean to imply that which is pronounced, and should be spelt, rime,
by which we do not mean to imply frost. We see much merit in this
verse : —

" Never forget the dear ones,

Buy always of the cheap ;
If you 've a numerous family

Which you 're obliged to keep.
No, don't forget the dear ones,

When you a-shopping go ;
Or you will soon discover

Your purse is getting low."

2. This song illustrates the truth that melody and air are synonymous
terms in modern music, whatever they may have been in that of ancient
Greece and Rome. The following lines are full of a certain inspiration •.

" Rock me to sleep, thy father's hest^
Demands this boon, O daughter fair*:
As, dinner done, he sinks to rest , k
In his Americanian chair. ;

" The chord must be at times unstrung,
My darling child, my saucy minx.
Rock me to sleep, and hold thy tongue,
While I enjoy my forty winks."

^The bells have more than once, unless our memory deceives us
(and we should be very much ashamed of it, could we think it capable
of such an act) been alluded to in lyrical verse. Nevertheless an
original composer and an original poet will attain novelty of treatment,
however hackneyed the theme. J i We like the merry gaiety of the lines
which follow :—

" Hark, the bells are ringing, ringing,
Through the wide, the wide hotel,
Chambermaids are bringing, bringing

Water to each angry swell.
Yes, the bells are ringing, ringing,

Soon the gong, the gong will roar :
To the dinner table bringing
Swells and belles from every floor, i
Hark the bells, &c."

4. Few will be inclined to deny that if Italy is the country of music
(not that there is not other music) there is a propriety in adapting
Italian music to Italian words. Without disparaging the language in
which Shakspeabe wrote and Beaham occasionally sung, it may be
allowed that to melody of a certain kind, the Italian tongue is especially
fitted, and here we think is an illustration : —

** I Naviganti, ancora parlanti,

Ammontanamento riscalto possb,
Frastagliaturo e ben maturante,

0 mio birbone con asininb !
Non hanno eglino di tutte cattivo ?

Lo questo me stesso liscezza non ho,
Pranzato videte sorella relievo
Augumentazione avanti bravo."

5. Domestic pathos, though it may be of a less elevated character
than the loftier grief of poetry or the tragic drama, has nevertheless
abundant power to touch the heartstrings in the rightly constituted
bosom. When wedded to appropriate melody the conjunction is emi-
nently successful. By the way, ought we to be quite satisfied with the
consecutive sevenths approaching the dissonant fourth— but non offendar
maculis — read this : —

" I cannot bear to say Farewell,
And yet I know 'tis right,
I sniff the dinner's fragrant smell,

1 have an appetite.

But as thou dost not bid me stay,

Of course I cannot stop ;
So, fare thee well— my fare to-day

Will be one mutton chop."

6. In a gentler mood than that of the reproachful and baffled sponge,
the vocalist may deal with the following playful ditty. We have no
unfavourable remark to offer upon it, but should it be successful, its
success will probably induce the composer to attempt further compo-
sition :—

" When gentle ones are round us

What fun is blind man's buff,
Some girl's light hand has bound us,

And scarcely tight enough.
A stealthy peep revealing

One form among the rest,
We catch, 'mid general squealing,

The one we like the best."

7. The last composition which we have leisure or space to notice on
the present occasion does not give us an opportunity of dwelling upon
the advantage of an occasional infraction of the grammatical law of
chromatic semitone, or we. should like to have dwelt (pace the shade of
Sebastian Bach) on the diapason of the tonic pedal. But we prefer
appending the beautiful lines with which we shall close the present
article, merely remarking that in due season we may again proceed to
an examination of similar evidences that the power of musical composi-
tion has not as yet been lost in this country : —

" I slept, and O how sweet the«dream !

In Grange's shop there sat but two :
And strawberries red and iciest cream,

Were brought to me by I know who.
He whispered low, his love was told,

In cream the fruit he bade me plunge,
And if I found that cream too cold,

He bade me try the cake of sponge.

He talked of all that makes up life,

Of dresses, dances, drives, and drums ;
Of ponies which he 'd buy his wife,

And bracelets costing awful sums.
His tones grew low — I listened well,

The accents changed to Mary Tegg's ;
' Your Ma have rang the breakfast bell,

And if you 're late you '11 git no heggs.' "

THE STAFF COLLEGE.

Dear Punch,

As you once before helped me out of a Staff College'difficulty,
I am induced to appeal to you again for a solution of the following
problem in Astronomy, which I can make neither head nor tail of.
Please explain it to me, as I am told I shall be quite unfit for the active
duties of the Staff if I can't do it, and they say it is very easy when you
know it.

I have such a lot of other subjects to work "at that my head is rather
confused, and, as I have not got my astronomical notes by me, but am
writing from memory, I may, perhaps, have jumbled up the enuncia-
tion a little, but, of course, you will be able to make it out.1* To the best
of my recollection, here it is : Determination, by an observer at the
First Point of Aries, of the augmented occultation in latitude of the
bright limb of the Pole-star, in his circum-meridional transit across the
Equator ; by observations of the Equatorial horizontal semi-diameters
of two known moon-culminating Lunar Distances. The Greenwich
Mean Time and the Right Ascension of the Equator are given, and the
Parallax of the Zenith, cleared of altitude and azimuth, is supposed to
be known approximately. As well as I remember, the object of the
above problem is to ascertain the Longitude of the South Pole, and the
Error of Rate of the Compass at that Station. — I remain, ever yours,

A Military Hebschel.

SPEECHES BY AN OLD SMOKER.

They call you selfish, Sir, do they ? What they mean is, that you
decline to sacrifice your self to themselves.

Everybody does as he pleases, with or without reflection. Well, Sir !
A man commonly called selfish differs from those who call him so
merely in following his own inclinations under the restraint of intel-
ligence.

The ass and the pig have few wants, and don't care to supply any
wants but their own. You may believe some people who tell you they
can be content with a little.

Sir, the reason why they object to your love of money is, because it
keeps your money from them.

Amusement foe Young Ladies on a Wet Afternoon. — Knitting
their Eyebrows.

92

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 3, 1866.

THE CONTRAST.

•61

Mb. Algernon Muggles requests the Pleasure of Waltzing
with Miss Lavinia Springfdte :

But as he can only scuffle about in what he calls the " Doo

Tong," and Lavinia " Dotes " on the old Three-time Business

(and which the Musicians are Playing), they cordially Hate

each other in about Two Minutes !

THE UMBRELLA-TAX.

To Persons who are gifted with small meansand large families, what
a delightful place America must be just now to live in ! Here in
England we complain and grumble about Income-Tax, but how our
growls woull be increased if we resided in America ! The tax-gatherer
has a finger there in every family pie, and nothing that is made or sold
escapes his hungry clutches. As-j a homely illustration, only look at
this : —

" Each part of an umbrella has been taxed once, some parts twice, before the
umbrella is completed, when it is taxed again as a whole. There is a tax on the
silk, alpaca, or gingham, a tax on the handle, a tax on the ferule, a tax on the frame,
a tax on the material of which the elastic band is composed, and a second tax on
the band, a tax on the button, a tax on the tassel if there be one ; the tax on the
silk or aipaca is fifty or sixty per cent, ad valorem on importation, the tax on each
part made in the Union is six per cent, ad valorem, and the tax on the umbrella is
again six per cent, ad valorem."

In England, stealing an umbrella is scarcely viewed as theft, but it
can hardly be so leniently treated in America. Taxed as it is there, an
umbrella must be valued as a costly piece of property, and the law no
doubt awards a very heavy penalty to those who steal, or haply even
borrow an umbrella. Of course no one in New York now dreams of
lending his umbrella, without taking an acknowledgment and formal
bond for its return ; and if the bond be broken, we dare say that the
holder is by law empowered to clap the borrower in prison, and keep
him there until the lent umbrella be replaced.

Expensive as they must be, while every part of them is taxed,
umbrellas must be quite a costly part of an establishment, and a
Ckcesus in New York, in lieu of boasting of his horses, doubtless
brags about the number of umbrellas that he keeps. Instead of
showing you his stud, he proudly bids [you come and look at his
umbrella stand, and asks you just to guess the price he gave for that
green gingham, or how many hundred dollars he paid down for that
brown silk. Young men who want to marry are probably deterred by
the thought that they will have to find their wife in an umbrella, a
luxury which at present they are too poor to afford. No doubt,
too, among the attractions of a widow must be reckoned the umbrellas
which have kindly been bequeathed to her: and when in New York a
young couple have set up their umbrella, people know that they are
prospering, and expect to see them ere long setting up their brougham.

" Mute" but not " Inglorious."

Everybody's old friend Sylvanus Urban is "so exhilarated by his
own rejuvenescence since he came to Whitefriars, that he seems to
have increased pleasure in the compilation of his Obituary — so much
so, that we would suggest The Gentleman's Magazine should take for
its motto "funerals performed."

A LIET FOR THE LIFE-BOATS.

The other day Lord Malmesbury, sadly wanting to appear as a
great public benefactor, as-ked the Government if they knew what a
famous institution is the National Life-boat Institution, how many
precious lives it annually saves, and how very much it stands in need of
Government assistance. The Duke of Somerset replied, on behalf of
the Ministry, that they were perfectly aware of the merits of this insti-
tution ; but that, as for its requiring any help just now from Government,
he had positive assurance that this would be declined, with thanks, if
it were offered. A grant from Government implies some sort of Govern-
ment control, and this, he owned, the Institution would, perhaps, not
be the better for. As administered at present, its funds were amply
adequate and most carefully applied, and, seeing that the public felt
quite satisfied of this, there was small fear that the public contributions
would diminish.

To this sensible reply made by his brother peer, Lord Punch would
merely add, that the nation has a right to feel proud of its Life-boats,
supported as they are by the voluntary system. Well nigh a thousand
lives were saved by them last year, and pretty near a million pounds'-
worth of merchantable property. With this fact in his mind, Lord
Punch sincerely trusts that the nation will continue to keep its purse-
strings open to keep the boats afloat, and that the unfounded fear of
Government assistance will not persuade the public to button up their
pockets. What with the Fenian pest, the cattle plague, and the possible
Reform Bill, the Government just now have quite enough work on
their hands, and may safely trust the nation with the launching of its
Life-boats.

So, ye gentlemen of England, including all M.P.'s, pray lend a hand
to save your fellow creatures from the seas. Give your five or ten
pounds yearly, or say better still guineas, to the Nation's Royal Life-
boat Institution, if you please.

On a Dramatic Author.

" Yes, he 's a plagiarist," from Tom this fell,
" As to his social faults, Sir, one excuses 'em ;

'Cos he 's good natured, takes a joke so well."
" True," cries an author, " He takes mine and uses 'em."

FOR THE BOTANICAL SOCIETY.

A Fast young lady on being shown a tobacco plant, at Chatswortb,
asked if it was the genealogical tree of the Cavendishes.

The Mystery of Milk.— Some people wonder that, under existing
circumstances, the price of milk in London has not risen. _ But the
Rinderpest does not affect the Cow with the Iron Tail.

March 3, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

93

THE TURF AND THE CLOTH.

he Lord Bishop of
Winchester has, of
course, perused the
following statement
in the " Sporting
Intelligence " con-
tributed by Argus
to the Morning
Post:—

" An interesting little
work has just been com-
piled for private circu-
lation, entitled Dane-
bury Statistics which,
gives a return of the
numberof horses trained
in the great southern
stable, as well as the
amount of their win-
nings from 1832 to 1865.
The author of this little
work is the Rev. Walter
Blount, the esteemed
landlord and domestic
chaplain of John Day,
and he has executed
his task with care, cor-
rectness, and ability."

Certainly the

Bishop op Win-
chester must make an example of the Rev. Gentleman above-named
by Argus. That is to say, the Rev. Gentleman's Bishop, surely, will
not fail to hold him up as affording a pattern to other Clergymen in
dedicating his leisure to the collection of useful information, instead
of abusing it in the composition of Essays and Reviews, or critical
remarks on the Pentateuch, calculated to unsettle people's minds.
The employment of spare time in compiling Danebury Statistics is
the recreation of an exemplary and stable-minded Clergyman.

The Bishop will also note, with satisfaction, the circumstance that so
great a celebrity on the turf as John Day is likewise such a thorough
Churchman as to keep a domestic chaplain, who, when not expressly
occupied with John's spiritual affairs, devotes the pen of an accom-
plished clerk to those of his stud. The connection thus existing between
the Turf and Church will perhaps suggest to the Bishop op Win-
chester the expediency ef getting up a party of prelates to go, on a
properly appointed drag, to the Derby, so as to countenance a pure
English sport, and, at the same time, put the Stigginses and the
Chadbands, who preach about on the race-course, out of countenance. A
delicate compliment would thus be paid to a distinguished personage,
after whom the mitred visitors to Epsom might be called John Dai's
lot of lawn.

THE THREE R's TEST.

Mr. Punch,

You laughed, of course, at Mr. Clay's proposal of an educa-
tion test for the elective franchise in the shape of the Three R's —
reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic. Everybody laughed at it because it was
so ridiculously reasonable. They laughed when they came to think of
it. At first it took away their breath. They kept silence, and con-
sidered what was to be said against it. It was too simply good not to
be felt to be inadmissible. On consideration, they began to recollect
that every political arrangement which at first sight looks perfect, is
open to the objection that it won't work, for various reasons that
experience only can refute.

Well, Sir, perhaps the necessary examination of every candidate for
the franchise would be a little troublesome. But couldn't we adopt
Mr. Clay's notion with a difference ? Let existing qualifications be
retained on the principle of uti possidetis. Let the qualification pro-
posed by Mr. Clay enfranchise the unenfranchised, as many of them as
are fit to have votes. The need for examination might be limited by
taking certain callings and professions as proof in themselves of suffi-
ciency in the Three R's. Independent lodgers, who want to be also
independent electors, would be almost the only persons, above the
ten-pound householders, who would then have to be examined. Would
the number of educated people, below the pecuniary mark of ten-pound
householders, be such as to create any necessity for very numerous
examiners ? If so, Mr. Punch, surely the little extra trouble and
expense, that would attend the increase of the constituency by the
addition of many new voters, would be amply repaid by the improve-
ment thereof which would accrue to it in the great accession that it
would derive from the intelligence and morality of the working classes.

No honest artisan need be ashamed to submit to the test of the Three
R's. He would be kept in countenance by a sufficient number of
bloated aristocrats like myself living in a Two-Pair Back.

Belgravia, Feb. ,18 66.

BOCKUM DOLLES BONNETED.

" BERLIN, Feb. 22 (Afternoon).
" Count von Bismarck has just communicated to the Chamber of Deputies a
Royal decree, ordering both Houses of the Diet to be closed to-morrow, and to
remain adjourned until the end of the present session."

For years to try a weighty cause

Opinion's Court has sat :
In " Bismarck versus Bockum Dollfs,"

Or " Helmet against Hat."
Opinion braved, and Law laid low,

Not fearing revolution,
Now Bismakck with a swashing blow

Bonnets the Constitution !

The Chamber will not vote supplies ;

Bismarck can tax without it :
The Chamber duly will protest,

Bismarck, as duly, flout it.
Twesten and Frezel may talk big,

Bismabck has courts to catch them ;
The Chamber may claim rights of speech,

But rights of fist o'ermatch them.

" Protest ? Your protest we return ;

The King won't even read it :
Flare up ? Tall talk we laugh to scorn,

While out of doors none heed it.
Though Bockum Dollfs puts on his hat,

His bell though Gf.ap.ow tinkles,
Will it wake Prussia from her sleep,

As deep as Rip van Winkle's P

" Vogue la Galere ! Brute-force is King,

In a drill-sergeant bodied :
The strong battalions are ours,

And Might, not Right, our Godhead :
We have an army at our back,

You but a host of dreamers,
So let your Parliament go pack,

And ware strappado, schemers !

" You prate of England — of the fate

Of Strafford and of Stuabt !
Ere she breeds Ckomwells, Hampdens, Pyms,

Prussia must learn a new art.
Talk was on English Sovereign's side,

But Deed on English people's ;
Roundheads had crowns that braved a crack,

Beneath their hats like steeples."

Has Bismarck ta'en your measure true,

Long-suffering Prussian brothers ?
Are we so d iff 'rent, we and you,

Close-kinned as were our mothers ?
Is talk the utmost of your will,

Or are you only waiting,
For Bismarck's lesson to bear fruits,

And deeds to oust debating ?

Herr Grabow hopes that Prussia '11 stand

Still by the Constitution !
Stand by it, yes : strike for it, no —

That would be Revolution !
" God Save the King ! " such is the cry,

With which you close the Session —
Suppose you add, " and grant us pluck

To temper our discretion."

SPORTING.

Mr. Punch will be much obliged if Masters of Hounds and Harriers
will give him timely notice of their hunting appointments. Mr. P.
having placed the management of this department in the ablest hands
trusts that, &c. &c. With great satisfaction we present the public
with our first list of

HUNTING APPOINTMENTS (FOR NEXT WEEK).

Westminster : St. Martin's Lane. Monday at 10.
Bloomsbury : Portland Road. Wednesday at 11.
Clebkenwell : Duncan Terrace. Thursday at 10.
Bow : Bow Road. Saturday at 11.
Whitechapel : Thursday and Friday at 11.

[*** Some mistake. That is what comes of trusting a Law reporter

with a Sporting Sub-Editorship
Courts out of the Times.— J. P.]

He's taken the list of the County

94

$tmdj, or tije iLonoon (dtyaribart

[»rcf) 3, 1868.

Tall %ra\mi$f)viritfH? left her bed
At cock-crow, with an aching head.

O miizxiz !
" I yearn to suffer and to do,"
She cried, " ere sunset, something new !

<9 miizxiz !
" To do and suffer, ere I die,
I care not what. I know not why.

«9 miizxiz !
" Some quest I crave to undertake,
Or burden bear, or trouble make."

«9 miizxiz !
She shook her hair about her form
In waves of colour bright and warm.

© miizxiz !
It rolled and writhed, and reached the floor :
A silver wedding-ring she wore.

& miizxiz !
She left her tower, and wandered down
Into the High Street of the town.

& miizxiz !
Her pale feet glimmered, in and out,
Like tombstones as she went about.

O miizxiz !
From right to left, and left to right ;
And blue veins streakt her insteps white ;

<D miizxiz !
And folks did ask her in the street
" How fared it with her long pale feet ? "

© miizxiz !
And blinkt, as though 'twere hard to bear
The red-heat of her blazing hair !

& miizxiz !

% Xtpu nf (taint— $art l.

JHr (Kalaljalf and J£>tr Hauncclot
Came hand-in-hand down Camelot;

<© miizxiz !
§>it ffiautaauts followed close behind ;
A weight hung heavy on his mind.

<9 miizxiz !
" Who knows this damsel, burning bright,"
Quoth ILauncelat. " like a northern light ? "

© miizxiz !
Quoth &ix ffiautoatnc : " /know her not ! "
" Who quoth you did!"' quoth Eauncrtot.

O miizxiz !
" 'Tis BramttaljrmrjasS ! " quoth £>tr 2Sor£.
(Just then returning from the wars).

O miizxiz !
Then quoth the pure §}ix ffialafjalj :
" She seems, methinks, but lightly clad !

© mteertc !
" The winds blow somewhat chill to-day ;
Moreover, what would "-arfljur say ! "

<© miizxiz I
She thrust her chin towards (Kalaf)afe
Full many an inch beyond her head . . .

© miizxiz !
But when she noted (&it ffiauroatne
She wept, and drew it in again !

© miizxiz !
She wept : " How beautiful ami!"
He shook the poplars with a sigh.

(B miizxiz !
£>ix ftauncelot was standing near ;
Him kist he thrice behind the ear.

& miizxiz !

"Ah me ! " sighed Eauttrxlot where he stood,
" I cannot fathom it ! " ... (who could ?>

© miizxiz !
Hard by his wares a weaver wove,
And weaving with a will, he throve ;

& miizxiz !
Him beckoned d&alarjaU, and said, —
" Gaunt Skaumojhrina'ajS wants your aid . .

O miizxiz !
" Behold the wild growth from her nape !
Good weaver, weave it into shape ! "

© miizxiz .'
The weaver straightway to his loom
Did lead her, whilst the knights made room ,

eg miizxiz I
And wove her locks, both web and woof,
And made them wind and waterproof;

& miizxiz !
Then with his shears he opened wide
An arm-hole neat on either side,

© miszxiz !
And bound her with his handkerchief
Right round the middle like a sheaf.

& miizxiz !
" Are you content, knight ? " quoth &$ix 3S0TS"
To GalaljaU ; quoth he, " Of course ! "

(© miizxiz !
"Ah,me! those locks," quoth j^irffiauroamr,
" Will never know the comb again ! "

& miizxiz !
The bold jg>tr iLauncelot quoth he nought ;
So (haply) all the more he thought.

<9 miizxiz !

Prin'ed by William Bradbur? , of No. 13, Upper Wobnrn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, In 'be County ot Jliddlesej, and Fred-rick Mullett Evans, nf No. 11. Bouverie Street, la the Prrcinet of'
Wbitefriars, City of London. Pr Titers, at their Offic: in Lomuard Street, in th; Precinct ;of White riars, City of Loni'jn, and published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish' of St. Br.de, City
of London.— Sjtbbday, March 3, 1866.

March 10, 1866.]

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHAKIVART.

95

MR. CRTJSTY ON THE COST OF FEMININE COSTUME.

unch, my Box, — Being
(happily for me, I think),
a regular old bachelor, and
not having to find raiment
for a wife and seven daugh-
ters, I take some pleasure
every month in reading the
particulars of new and
costly costumes, which, my
newspaper informs me, are
coming in vogue. It is
true, a single life is not
invariably comfortable — in-
deed, it cannot be, so long
as shirt-buttons exist; but
an old bachelor at any rate
is free from the annoyance
of hearing that eternal jab-
beration about finery which
wives and daughters usually
are certain to keep up.
Moreover, he is free from
the expenses incidental to
those visits of the milliner,
to which this jabberation
generally leads. Single as
I am, I calmly smoke my
meerschaum in my solitude
at home, and read with per-
fect equanimity such details
as the following, which, if
I were married, would fill
me with dismay : —

" Town toilette,— Poult-de-soie dress, with two petticoats ; the first is garnished
at the bottom by a band of Astracan fur ; the second is bordered by a large cord.
Bodice cut in a point in front and behind ; straight sleeves ornamented with
Astracan fur ; bonnet of black velvet, ornamented simply on an Empire form by a
large barbe of lace ; in the interior, band of velvet, on which are attached small
chains of gold, retaining gold sequins ; muff of Astracan fur."

How I hug myself to think that I have no wife of my bosom, who
might bother me to buy her such a gorgeous dress as this ! Eur,
velvet, lace, and gold ! What a swelless she would be ! Bonnet " on
an Empire form," with a beard by way of ornament ! Why, if the
woman were an Empress, she could not well be more expensively got
up. And all this splendour the dear creature would use merely for her
morning calls and other common out-door work. Whenever she
remained at home (if, unlike Madame Benoiton, she ever was there
visible), she would probably array herself in this alarming style :—

" An in-door toilette, composed of a first petticoat of green satin, formed with
gold buttons, and by a second petticoat of plain velvet of the same colour, open in
apron on a petticoat of satin ; bodice forming a Hungarian vest, open in front ;
satin sleeves ; linen collar, with stars of guipure at the corners ; under-sleeves, with
assorted cuffs ; in the hair, a velvet band."

Eirst petticoat of satin ! second petticoat1 of velvet ! open vest of
Hungary ! and, 0 ye stars— stars of guipure ! Imagine my dismay at
seeing Mrs. Cbusty sitting down to lunch in this theatrical costume !
And perhaps when she went out with me (or, far more probably, with-
out me) to dinner in the evening, her simple toilette would comprise
some such magnificence as this : —

" Dress of jonquil satin, lozenged by tulle of the same colour, with detached
daisies in Chantilly lace, fastened at the corners of each lozenge. Empress Jose-
phine coiffure, simply ornamented by a diadem of brilliants accompanied by a
string of the same stones, forming, without interruption, a necklace, which is
fastened to the middle of the bodice."

Jujube and marsh-mallow lozenges I know, but what in wonder's
name are lozenges of tulle ? And what a queer idea it seems to stick
such sticky things as lozenges upon a lady's evening dress ! Moreover,
who except a milliner or else a millionnaire, would ever talk about a
head-dress being "simply ornamented by a diadem of brilliants?"
Simple ornaments, forsooth ! A man must be a simpleton to let his
wife expend his hard-earned cash on such simplicities !

Pour moi, like poor Othello, I may say, " I have no wife ;" so I have
no cause for alarm when I calculate the cost of these vastly simple
splendours. But do young bachelors, I wonder, ever peep into the
fashion books ? If not, let an old bachelor advise them so to do before
they pop the fatal question. Not ' many young incomes will bear the
frequent cost of jonquil satin dresses and diadems of brilliants.

With this friendly word of warning, which I expect no one juventd
calidus to profit by, I remain, Sir, yours most singly, and therefore
most serenely, CcELEBS Crvst^

The Hermitage, Humpstead.

AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM.

I 'm blessed with a fair benefice, the living may be worth

Eive hundred pounds a-year at most, east, west, and south, and north ;

Where'er it is, it matters not, if you try you won't divine,

There 's many a country rector in a plight resembling mine.

Tho' what I'm going to tell of it might make a bishop swear,
I 've hitherto borne patiently life's lot of cark and care ;
But when my Punch turned on me, who was wont that care to wile,
'Twas a case of " Et tu Brute," and it fairly roused my bile.

You say I starve my curate, that I put without remorse
His precious life in danger, and work him like a horse ;
While I play the Magnifico— you go a deal too far,
You little know, thrice happy Punch, what curates really are.

A cottage not in ruins, and ninety pounds a-year,
A pittance as you 'd call it, I suppose, I give him clear ;
I can't afford to offer more, and still perform the feat,
With wife and growing family, of making both ends meet.

A gentlemanly curate, who shows without pretence,
That white ties are compatible with charity and sense,
Is rare as Bird of Paradise — I scatter sans avail —
Eor, like it, he alights not— the salt for such a tail.

The lion in the pulpit, and out of it the dove,

I mean the evangelical, whom all old ladie3 love ;

The slap-you-on-the-back sort, that are muscular and " Broad,"

The hectic flushed that fast and wear a miniature of Laud.

Yes, all have I found wanting, e'en brought up from a child,
By careful aunts, the priory-good, or sentimental mild ;
The Calvinist who damned us all one week, aud, which perplexed
Our minds— the theologian who saved us all the next.

A saint who thought one wife a sin, and, preaching, flung the pearls
To swine, if swine could take the form of pretty English girls,
Another— who came carping at my careless choice, and who
Atoned, 'twas found out afterwards, for him, by having two.

Another— scarce it edifies such curate freaks to show-
Short, thick, and oleaginous, opinions very low ;
Who from dissent converted— until he fancy took,
And married, within six weeks from the time he came— my cook.

Next week the place is vacant, it often is, there lies

The note of the sole applicant e'en now before my eyes ;

" Do I object to waltzing, some rectors do, if so,

What points at the whist parties, and is the croquet slow ? "

Well, Punch, old fler, you've 'suited me, as once becoming "tight,"
My curate to the bishop said, and wanted him to Gght.
But vengeance, save a single wish, I '11 lay upon the shelf, —
I only wish that you, Punch, were a rector like myself.

SAYINGS OF THE EATHERS OE THE DESSERT.

{Dedicated with feelings of the greatest possible respect to an eminent
contributor to " The Month'')

" It is certain," quoth Paeobooteius the deacon, " that there was
a great Bishop of Hippo, who used to review books."

" True," replied Abbot Jocosus, " but no one has in consequence
accused him of being Hippo-critical."

n.

The Hermit Hoknerius was seated alone at Christmas time in a
corner of his cell. A pie was on his knees. Clenching the four fingers
of his right hand, he, by the aid of his thumb, extracted a large dried
raisin, and looking upwards, exclaimed, " What a good boy am I."

But he ate not the plum.

in..

The aged monk, Jacobus Coevus, being asked after refection, whether
he would have any more to eat then, or would wait until he got it,
replied, " No, thank you, I have had enough."

IV.

" Let us retire to our pallets," said the Deacon Somnolentumcaput.

"Nay, let us abide here yet a while," suggested the Monk Tardus.

" There are still some embers, it were wise to place the saucepan
thereupon," quoth Abbot Avidumventer. " Let us take a slight meal
before we depart."

{To be discontinued?)

VOL. Ii.

96

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 10, 1866.

ON THE ICE.

Being Helped along a Slide by some one Else's Brother, and-

Beinq Helped alokq by one's Own Brother.

THE RAILWAY DESPOTS.

We are monarchs of all we survey,

Our progress there's none to dispute :
Erom the centre our lines, to the sea,

Branches new, air around, ever shoot.
0 Solitude ! where are thy charms,

If we choose, that we cannot deface,
And destroy, with discordant alarms,

The peace of a beautiful place ?

We are out of legality's reach,

We may take land or leave it alone ;
Need but fee certain lawyers for speech,

By forced sale to make it our own.
The public may not want our train,

Oar railway desire not to see ;
But you 're governed by mercantile men,

The strongest among them are we.

Society, comfort, and love,

Bestowed, in a cottage, on man ;
As happy as dove is with dove,

Let people enjoy while they can.
Tor any fond pair from their cage,

If we want it, we drive without ruth ;
Pull down the Retreat of old age,

And raze the Asylum of youth.

Extension ! what treasure untold,

Resides in that oft-spoken word !
What visions of silver and gold,

Which traffic may some day afford.
Where the sound of the train-starting bell

Lone valleys and rocks never heard ;
Never scented the smoke and the smell,

Or swarmed when a sabbath appeared.

Ye victims, whose rights are our sport,

Go howl on the desolate shore,
We win the Committee's report,

And your homesteads shall know you no more.
Our friends you to Parliament send,

There many and mighty are we.
O give us the vote of each friend,

On his legs whom we don't want to see !

How fool we the national mind

To give up all else for quick flight !
What a trophy we reared in yon blind

Excluding St. Paul's from the sight !
Wben we think of a neighbouring land,

We imagine ourselves to be there.
Would its people and Government stand

Such doings as ours, if we were P

But we 've upset the humble-bees' nest ;

Of a swarm round our ears we 're aware ;
We 've the labouring class dispossessed,

And that wrong vye shall have to repair
If Tom Hughes gain his point in his place ;

But money, encouraging thought !
Gives Railway oppression a grace,

And reconciles men to— what not ?

SPEECHES BY AN OLD SMOKER.

I am almost tempted to wish, Sir, that I were as great a
fool as old Bbown. He consoles himself for his narrow
circumstances by the reflection that, as he has nothing to
leave behind him, his relations will not rejoice at his death.
I should be glad if I could console myself anyhow for my
impecuniosity. But, were I a rich man, I should not care
a fig who might rejoice at my death, supposing nobody
tried to shorten my life. And, Sir, if you wanted your
relatives to grieve instead of rejoicing at your death, you
could easily make them do so by leaving all you died
worth to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Animals.

Money is not happiness, Sir P No, Sir ; and money is
not wine. Money is not beauty. But, Sir, no money no
Madeira, and no money no matrimony — the state of life
which, as I trust, Sir, you daily experience, is the nearest
approximation to happiness below.

Hfrarcf) 10, 1866.]

ffitmcfj, or tfje Honfton Cfoattfiart,

97

An one-eyed Eastern past, who sold,
And bought, and bartered garments old ;

© miizxiz !
His yellow garb did show the thread,
A triple head-dress crowned his head ;

© miizxiz !
And, ever and anon, his throat,
Thick-bearded, gave a solemn note ;

© miizxiz !
The knights were gathered in a knot ;
Rapt in a trance, they heard him not ;

© miizxiz !
Before them aSrattmajhrmfcatf stood
In native growth of gown and hood ;

© miizxiz !
Fresh from'a cunning weaver's hand,
She lookt, not gaudy, but so grand !

© miizxiz !
Not gaudy, gentles, but so neat !
For chaste and knightly eyes a treat !

© miizxiz !
The Pilgrim eyed her shapely dress
With curious eye to business :

© miizxiz !
Then whispered he to Hattttttlot,
" I'll give five shekels for the lot ! "

© miizxiz I
<&attbja(ne his battle-axe he drew . . .
Once and again he dove him through !

© miizxiz !

% %%tvk of (taint— $ art 2.

" No man of many words ami!"
Quoth he, and wope his weapon dry.

© miizxiz !
A butcher caught the sounds and said,
" There go two cracks!upon one head ! "

© miizxiz I
A baker whispered in his fun :
" Butcher, more heads are crackt than one ! "

© miizxiz !
'* The moon is up to many tricks ! "
Quoth he who made the candlesticks ! . . .

© miizxiz !
Dead-limp, the unbeliever lay
Athwart the flags and stopt the way. . . .

© miizxiz I
The bold &ix ILmixtzlat mused a bit,
And smole a bitter smile at it.

© miizxiz !
(Sattinatue, he gave his orders brief:—
" MananU: emportez-moi ce Juif!"

© miizxiz !
Some heard the knight not : they that heard
Made answer to him none, nor stirred.

© miizxiz !
But 3Braun(fli)rttrtrajS was not dumb ;
Her opportunity had come.

© miizxiz !
Her'accenta tinkled ivory-sweet—
" Je vays I'emporter tout de suite /"....

© miizxiz !

She bowed her body, slenderly,
And lifted him full tenderly :

© miizxiz i
Full silverly her stretched throat
Intoned the wonted Hebrew note :

© miizxiz !
Right broke-in-halfenly she bent ;
Jew-laden on her way she went !

© miizxiz !
The knights all left her one by one,
And, leaving, cried in unison —

© miizxiz !
" Voyez ce vilain Juif quipend
Par derriere et par devant ! " . . .

© miizxiz !
Yet bearing it she journeyed forth,
Selecting north-north-east by north.

© miizxiz !
The knights (most wisely) with one moutb,
Selected south-south-west by south.

© miizxiz !
The butcher, baker, and the rest,
Said, " Let them go where they like best ! "

© miizxiz !
And many a wink they wunk, and shook
Their heads ; but furthermore they took

© miizxiz I
No note : it was a way they had,
In Camelot, when folks went mad. . . .

© miizxiz !

98

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Maech 10, 1866.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

AJORA CANAMUSl. For

the Ship of the State
has Leaks, and on St.
David's Day, there-
fore, the Pilot, Glad-
stone, gave notice of
his intention to stop
them. The Reform
Bill was announced
for Monday next, the
12th of March. Lord
Cran bourne laid
himself down in order
to trip the Bill up on
the threshold; com-
plaining that as the
statistics promised in
the Speech would
probably not be ready
by that day, the
bringing in the Bill
would be a contradic-
tion of the Queen's
Speech. Curiously,
the ever ready Mr.
Gladstone was not
ready with a reply. He would look at the terms of the Royal address.

On Monday, February 26th, the Lords had a little debate on the propriety of taking the
Irish priests into the pay of the State. Lord Russell admitted that the present Established
Church in Ireland was a mistake, but he did not believe that Protestants would consent to
establishing another, or would even let him do what he would like to do ; namely, pass, 'at a
single sitting, a Bill for taking the Church Revenues and applying them to the purposes of
real education. We agree with the noble Earl in thinking that either proposal would " excite
some remark."

Lord Westmeath actually made a sensible little speech, complaining of the now recog-
nised practice of running over people in the streets. He declared that " the majority of what
were called accidents were murders, caused by the recklessness and heartlessness of persons
who did not care a button for the lives of others, provided their own trumpery traffic went on."
But Lord Westmeath, as a legislator, should know that the Saxon spirit of our laws has
always held property as more valuable than human life. What signifies the killing a few people
compared to the early delivery of goods by railway van ?

The lion on Northumberland House is saved. A new street was to go through the house,
but the Swells rushed to the rescue of a Duke, and the Bill for the new street is to be altered.
Considering what is done with the habitations of lesser folk, we don't exactly see justice in all
this ; but, zodiacally speaking, Leo and Libra are two things.

Mr. White made an excellent speech, advocating Retrenchment, to which Mr. Glad-
stone made a reply of much adroitness, and advised the retrenchers to imitate the late Joseph
Hume, and contest the estimates, item by item.

" London's Nightmare," Bumbledom, that is to say, the conflicting jurisdictions of folks
who ought to have no jurisdiction at all, and who job, blunder, squabble, and utterly misgovern
the metropolis of the world, was well lectured upon by Lord Robert Montagu. Sir George
Grey, who is afraid of everything, is not the man to sweep the whole system of vestries^, ana
boards, and companies into infinite space, and erect a power, based on civil representation,
and capable of governing ; but it is satisfactory to know that the Home Minister is valiant
enough to admit that " the subject is one of great importance." As he is said to meditate
early retirement, we may hope that his successor will go even a step further.

The Navy Estimates were then taken. They are the same as last year, but Lord
Clarence Paget said that there really was a reduction, though it hath not appeared. We
can but echo him and Roderigo. " It hath not appeared."

Tuesday. Mr. Lyster O'Beirne asked, very reasonably, whether the Board of Trade'would
do nothing to obviate the danger to which persons on horseback and in carriages are exposed
by the railway-engines which now run shrieking across thoroughfares and terrifying horses.
Mr. Milner Gibson replied that if the authorities complained, the Board would act, but
that private persons had no right to complain of being smashed. Never mind, gentlemen
Railwaymen, Juries will take notice of such answers, and, we trust, continue to give Howling
Damages whenever an action is brought for the slaughter of such contemptible creatures as
private individuals. The Jury Box is our only protection against you.

Another onslaught upon Bumbledom was made, and the " system," if such a chaos may be
called by a name implying order, was further illustrated, and much contempt expressed for its
components. A Select Committee has been appointed to consider the subject.

The Indian telegraph was much abused by Mr. Crawford, who has a right to speak,
spending, as he does, £3000 a-year in electricity. The most awful nonsense is transmitted by
the polyglot clerks, merchants are told to buy when they ought to sell, and peace is announced
when war is fiercer than ever. Moreover, when a foreign clerk does not [like a message, he
does not send it at all. The specific for all afflictions, a Committee, was prescribed.

Mr. Bunch has great pleasure in recording that an eloquent and well-deserved compliment
was paid by Mr. Gladstone to Mr. Ewart, on the subject of Eree Libraries, an institution
which will always be coupled with the name of William Ewart.

Wednesday. The Ecclesiastical Day was duly observed. Mr. Hadmeld, Dissenter, moved
the Second Reading of the Bill for doing away with the declaration made by persons taking
office under the Crown, or Corporations, that the office-holder will do nothing to upset the

Church. The declaration is perfectly useless,
and the House has condemned it half-a-dozen
times. Mr. Newdegate, of course, against the
wishes of his Conservative friends, took a division,
and the Bill was read by 176 to 55. But as
Lord Derby frankly admitted that the test was
useless, and that he resisted the abolition only to
show the presumptuous Dissenters that they are
not everybody, there does not seem any reason
why that statesmanlike motive should not again
be available against the Bill. A measure of a
similar kind, for the relief of Eellows of Colleges,
was also read a Second Time.

The Jamaica Government Bill was passed, Mr.
Cave, who understands the island, explaining
that the difficulties in it arose from the desire of
our friend Quashibengo to be a little landed
proprietor, and from his extreme dislike to bind
himself to work. The Coolie immigration had
done good, by supplying labourers.

Prince Alfred's Allowance Bill was read a
Second Time, and a very handsome tribute was
paid to the young sailor's estimable character by
Mr. Gladstone, who did not describe him as
the eldest of the princes. Mr. Punch was
pleased to see H.R.H. thoroughly enjoying the
wit of the School for Scandal, on the previous
Monday, and appreciating the grace and delicacy
of Miss Herbert, as Lady Teazle. We wish
that the Royal Family would always show
marked approval of that class of drama, as the
mass require leading in such matters, and think
all the better of Congreve and Sheridan, if the
Queen's box is filled when those, and authors of
the same character, " have the floor."

Thursday. Lord Redesdale said that it was
time for Parliament completely to revolutionise
the system on which railway enterprises were
promoted. His Lordship is at least ten years
too late. London, especially, is delivered over
to the schemers, and no man can say that his
house will be his own six months hence. We
incline to think that it would not be an unad-
visable thing to abandon London to the railways
and the vans, and to re-establish the metropolis
of England at Winchester, where Egbert was
crowned, and which was the capital for many a
glorious year afterwards. Why not turn out the
soldiers from the palace begun by Sir Christo-
pher Wren for Charles the Second, and
establish Queen Victoria in Winchester P
There is a cheap and excellent school for her
grandchildren, and to know the Cathedral is an
education in itself. London has had enough of
supremacy, and is demoralised. Let it remain a
great railway station.

The Second Reading of the Bill for making a
new Brighton Railway, was carried.

Mr. Harvey Lewis, doing his duty as Mem-
ber for Marylebone, demanded why Mr. Cowper
did not cleanse the dangerously filthy Orna-
mental Water in the Regent's Park. The answer
was ultra-official. The lake had certainly been a
nuisance, but Mr. Cowper had ordered a great
deal .of new water to be poured in, and there
had been no complaints since. Mr. Punch, who
was in the habit of feeding the ducks in the said
lake, begs leave — in fact, takes it— to remark
that pouring clean water into dirty in order to
purify the latter, is not a philosophic process, as
any of Mr. Cowper's housemaids will tell him,
and also that the fact of absence of complaint in
the cold weather by no means proves that the
water will not be offensive in June. There are
many feet of foul mud in it, and no well-bred cat
will eat the fish caught by the little boys of the
Terraces. The Park thanks Mr. Lewis, and
requests his continued attention.

Next we had a good battle, in which the great
chieftains engaged. Tories got in for Devonport,
and are petitioned against. Government, not
being Tory, was eager to lend all assistance to
the petitioners, and granted leave to the agents
to have the Dockyard workmen mustered there,
to be served with the Speaker's warrant. This

Makch 10, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

99

was not, perhaps, very much. But the zealous solicitor, having got at
the men, proceeded to cross-examine them severely, and in fact to get
up the case with all the advantage of supposed Government influence.
It may easily be imagined that here were the materials for a patriotic
row, and that a Pakington, a Ceanboubne, a Caibns, and a Disbaeli
improved the occasion. Mb. Gladstone was obliged to express regret
at what had taken place.

On the Navy Estimates debates, the most interesting statement was
that of Lobd C. Paget, that Captain Coles, who had offended the
authorities, first by his cleverness, and, secondly, by writing a letter,
had said that he regretted the second cause of anger, and^ had been
taken back into the Service.

Friday.— Lobd Derby, as the last surviving trustee of the affairs of
the late King Leopold, gave an interesting account of his trust.
When that Prince, a gentleman in the best sense of the word, ascended
the throne of Belgium, he was entitled to the £50,000 a-year, settled on
him as the husband of poor Pbincess Chablotte. Becoming king,
he arranged to pay back the annuity, deducting only the expenses
connected with Claremont, and certain pensions to the servants of his
lamented wife. The trustees have thus repaid more than a million to
the Treasury. The king is gone, and the trust is over, but there are still
some old servants whose case the Minister has promised to consider.

As interesting was another matter mentioned by Lobd Debby. The
amiable and venerable ex-Queen of the Prench, Heb Majesty Mabie
Amelie, who resides at Claremont, will, at the express request of our
Queen, earnestly confirmed by every one of her subjects who can
appreciate dignity, goodness, and graciousness, continue to abide there
as the guest of England.

In the Commons we had a debate on captures at sea. Divested of
sonorous technicalties and subtle distinctions, the case is this. Trade
wishes wars to be made with rose-water, so far as trade itself is con-
cerned. " Kill one another, by all means," says the trader, " but let
my carts go out with goods, and let goods be delivered at my shop
door." The spirit of mere trade, as distinguished from the nobleness
of national commerce, dictates the selling a blunderbus to shoot one's
own brother, unless one's own brother will pay one more to have the
blunderbus kept locked up. It may easily, therefore, be understood
that wars, as at present conducted, are excessively inconvenient to the
mere trader. The Bag-man principle, now sought to be established, is
that a war is a Government affair, and ought not to interfere with the
shop. So private property at sea is not to be touched. Statesmen
reply that war is a dreadful thing, and a whole nation's business, and
that the establishment of Protection for a class is out of the question.
So we shall not order the rose-water.

THE LAST MONTH OF JACK-FISHING.

If the Water continue to Rise, it will be ratheb Unpleasant

for Jones.

THE BISHOP OF LONDON'S CHATJNT.

Air—" Oh where, and oh where."
{To be sung to a ritualistic movement.)

Oh wear, and oh wear, copes and chasubles at home !
Not in a church within the shade of my cathedral dome :
If you do, in your heart you've already gone to Rome.

Beware, oh beware, how you rouse the sleeping bench

Of England, Scotland, Ireland, from Cantuab. to Trench !

And its your altar-fires we shall be compelled to quench.

You were, oh you were, and it cannot be ignored,

The followers of Andeewes, of pious Ken, and Laud !

But you've gone long past them, and your doctrine's all abroad.

Aware, I 'm aware, to what point you all have come
When I read that book, that Anglica-num Di-rec-to-ri-um /
And I say to myself, I must be no longer dumb.

So wear then, so wear, eVry dress drawn in that tome,
But mind it is not done in sight of my cathedral dome,
If you do, we must part, and you 'd better go to Rome.

WILD SPORT AT WILLINGHAM.

We have yet a good deal to learn from our Prench neighbours, but
not so much as we had. There was a time when our ideas of feathered
game were limited to the birds named in the game list. Now, though
it cannot, indeed, be said that nous avons change tout cela, the truth,
nevertheless, is that we have changed some of it. At any ratjs, some
of us have changed the old English ideas which once prevailed on that
subject for those which are generally entertained in Prance. Witness
the subjoined account, from the Retford and Gainsborough News, of
some shooting which certainly comes under the head of le sport .—

Willingham. —This village was enlivened on Wednesday, the 17th inst, by a little
blackbird shooting. Large numbers turned out -with guns, and about 30 birds were
killed, two shooting six each. One sportsman had made a bet that he would kill
six, and he succeeded in winning his wager, but not without great difficulty. A
capital spread was provided in the evening at Mr. Bobt. Torn's, the Half Moon, to
which about 17 sat down. The ' ' crack-shots " fired three volleys just before going in
to supper. A band of music was in the vicinity, and altogether the event caused
considerable stir and enjoyment.

In the estimation' of Jacques Bonhomme, a black-cock is identical
with a cock blackbird, and the blackbird-shooters of Willingham appear
to have quite adopted M. Bonhomme's view of black game. A whole
village capable of being " enlivened by a little blackbird shooting "
must very nearly resemble one whose inhabitants would all be thrown
into a state of excitement by the news that Jules or Alphonse had
caught a minnow, or shot a torn-tit. The firing, on the part of the
"crack shots," of volleys in the air before going in to supper, was a piece
of fun evidently, like most of our contemporary dramas, borrowed from
the Prench. So, clearly, was the employment of the band of music,
whose triumphant strains resounded to celebrate the blackbird battue.
Perhaps the feu de joie that preceded the supper of our Gallicised
merlecides was the death of a barn-owl.

The blackbird is a destructive mischievous bird, he kills and eats the
snails, which might, and perhaps soon will, be food for the "crack
shots " of Willingham, who are doubtless aware that those Crustacea
are included in our lively neighbours' dietary. The blackbird also
destroys slugs, and robs the gardener of them as well as snails. He is
likewise, for one, the vile early bird that picks up the innocent worm,
and the noise which he makes, called his song, is merely an utterance
of exultation in the prospect of prey, and forebodes rain.

Courage, men of Willingham; shoot cock-robins as well as black-
birds. This little warbler— the cock-robin— is eaten with bread-crumbs.
Shoot him now, when the pairing season has commenced ; shoot him,
cook him, and eat him too, a la Francaise. Shoot and eat the gold-
finches as well, and the linnets, and the wrens, and all the other little
birds that devour so many caterpillars. Shoot ducks, and geese, and
barn-door fowls, and to signalise in the highest style your enthusiasm
for la chasse, go and shoot foxes. After that, get played in to supper
to the tune of The Huntsman's Chorus, and then sit ye down, my
masters, and fall to, not on a venison pasty, marry, no, but on

" Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie,"

while attendant vocalists sing the "Song of Sixpence." j

Fashion and Art.

We are in a position to state that, with a view to the abolition of
the existing monstrosities of female attire, the directors of the School
of Design have offered a premium for the invention of a lady's dress
that shall form the best combination of convenience, elegance, and
economy.

100

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 10, 1866.

a

HARD LINES."

Mistress {to former Cook). "Well, Eliza, what are you doing now?"

Ex-Cook. " Well, Mum, as you wouldn't give me no Character, I 've been obliged to Maeey a Soldier ! "

PIO'S NO— NO !

" Travellers visiting the Pope's dominions should be very careful not to bring
forbidden books or Colt's revolvers with them, the Custom-house officers having
strict orders to confiscate them, and it is not always possible to recover them after
the owners have left the Roman States. Forbidden books are those condemned by
the Congregation of the Index, books on religion or morality in general, political
and philosophical works of every description, and more especially Italian religious
tracts published in London. But, above all, travellers should be careful not to
bring English, Italian, or other Bibles with them, the Bible being strictly pro-
hibited."— Mr. Odo Russell to Lord Clarendon.

" Prom out dominions we exclude —
{Urbis et orbis Papa vindex) —
All Colt's revolvers, and that brood
Of Satan — books named in the Index.

"Books on the Church (St. Peter's mystery),
The State (St. Peter's principality) ;
Books upon politics and history,
Books on religion and morality.

" Tracts, one and all, but chief therein
Such as are in Italian written,
And printed in that seat of sin
And hold of heresy, Great Britain.

" Above all, ye, of every nation

Who seek the sacred soil of Borne,
Be warned, if ye 'd 'scape confiscation,
Your Bibles must be left at home.

" No matter what the tongue or text is,
By whom translated, when, or where ;
The Bible upon no pretext is
Allowed to pass St. Peter's Chair."

Wise Pope— that Peter's seat guard'st well,
'Gainst heretics' invasion free —

With the dove's innocence how well
The serpent's wisdom shows in thee !

While Popes remain doubt's sole resolvers,
Sole founts of truth, sole whips of sin,

What use in keeping out revolvers,
If Revolution's self 's let in P

What all the Colts that e'er exploded,
All Garlbaldi's guns and swords,

To the live shells, time-fused and loaded,
Between the plainest Bible boards ?

What Revolution into ruins
So like to hurl St. Peter's jDome,

As God's word gauged with Papal doings,
The Bible face to face with Rome ?

SPAIN SOLILOQUISES.

" Th« R«publie ef Peru has formed an alliance offensive and defensiva with Chili,,
for the war against Spain." — Foreign Intelligence.

Caramba ! what 's this protocolling and pother P
All my waspish step-children in arms up again !

After all these years more South-American bother,
Check, once more, to the Castle (and Lion) of Spain !

Aggression proves costly— one 's pride though it tickles ;

Two republics at once on one 's hands is no lark :
My heart I had hardened against Chili pickles,

But not for a course of Peruvian bark.

My Castilian bounce is beginning to vanish.
Small I gladly would sing, shy I 'd cheerfully fight

All the more as Peruvian bark 's not like Spanish,
But, they say, goes along with Peruvian bite !

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI— March 10, 1866.

LONDON'S NIGHTMARE.

March 10, 1866. J

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

103

SAD WANT OF SURGEONS IN THE ARMY.

ear Reader, The Re-
port of the Committee
appointed to inquire
into the alleged griev-
ances of medical offi-
cers in Her Majesty's
military and naval ser-
vice, has, in so far as
it concerns Army Sur-
geons, just appeared.
Its appearance has ne-
cessitated the pub-
lication of the follow-
ing announcement : —

WANTED for Ser-
" vice in the Bri-
tish Army, a number
of highly accomplished
young Surgeons, pos-
sessing not only first-
rate professional at-
tainments, but also the
advantage of a good
general education, and Not Proud. They are required to be Fellows of
the Royal College of Surgeons, and also to have obtained an English
Physician's Degree. With the breeding, habits, and manners of
gentlemen, they must combine a submissive temper, so as to be able to
stand any extent of Snuebing that may be inflicted on them by
Combatant Officers, and, under occasional circumstances, to Clean
Boots. They must be willing to occupy a Side-table at Mess, and
ready to jump up and Carry Plates at call. When unavoidably
summoned to take part in any Court Martial or other Board of
Inquiry whereat their assistance is absolutely necessary, and whereon
Combatant Officers are Sitting, They must be Content to Stand.
None need apply that have any objection to endure any indignity.
They must be prepared to accept and wear, without remonstrance, Any
Uniform that may be assigned to them, however Grotesque, a3 the
discipline of the 'Army requires that they should be rendered sufficiently
ridiculous to distinguish them from Combatant Officers. It will also be
requisite for them to acquiesce in the Regulation 'which Denies
those of them who chance to die the usual Military Honoubs at their
Interment, even in those cases wherein the deceased Surgeons have
died operating under fire. N.B. A slight increase of Pay. Por further
particulars inquire at the Tatters and Starvation Club, the Horse
Guards, and the War Office.

WHAT LORD RUSSELL MAY BE SAYING.

" Rest and be thankful " —

Ay, a whole bank full,
Silver and gold would I give ;

To buy peace and quiet,

To shun Reform riot,
And far from the Treasury live.

" Rating or rental " —

Pity my mental
Doubt, and dilemma, and care ;

By deputations,

By delegations,
Schooled in this Downing Street chair.

" Rental or rating"—

Solid heads stating
Claims of their class without clamour ;

Porging and blasting,

Chasing and casting,
Deft men with chisel and hammer.

Wish to see figures ?

Cattle-plague, niggers,
Eenians lie on the table ;

Startling in one sense,

Showing the nonsense
Talked about votes by the able.

Bright's speeches heeding —

Voice, too misleading —
Hatched we a sweet little Bill ;

Six and ten-poundered,

Sure to have foundered,
Ground into powder by Mill.

Late, but not too late,

Gladstone, my chief mate,
Laid Number Two on the anvil;

Northbrooke and Romilly,

Get up your homily,
Halifax, would you help Granville ?

Abgyll cannot alter,

Nor Clarendon falter,
Earl with two titles be ready ;

Somerset back me,

If Derby attack me —
Stanley of Alderley, steady.

Gladstone, my main force,

Goschen, my spare horse,
Layabd, and Gibson, and Grey,

Pobster and Cardwell,

Stansfeld— all guard well
The bantling— the Twelfth is the day.

Pranchise— the Borough P —

Measure is thorough,
Welcome to friends of safe progress ;

Pranchise— the County ? —

Reform for her bounty
May get abused as an Ogress.

Redistribution ?

Bismarck the Prussian
Might be an adequate man ;

South to be blooded,

North to be flooded,
Balance the scales if you can.

Clay's plan, and Hare's plan,

Take them, 0 working man,
Take them to Beales and to Odgers ;

One thing I will do,

Slip in a clause or two,
Giving the franchise to lodgers.

Bill when debated,

House animated,
Benches with friends will be full ;

Lowe scan it kindly,

Roebuck don't blindly
Rush at it just like a bull.

Bright, my chief orator,

Bravely speak for it, or
Greatly I 'm erring about you ;

And, ah ! Edward Horsman,

Come down in force, man,
Mill, Gathorne Hardy can't rout you.

Bill when it 's printed —

Have I this hinted P
Won't suit the standstills or Tories';

Hark ! the old chorus,

Sires heard before us —
England, farewell to thy glories.

No, it will strengthen,

Ay, and will lengthen,
England and England's prosperity ;

Bind us, unite us,

Raise us, and right us,
True People's Charter, in verity.

Carried, at hay-time

(No, not by May-time),
Hansom, ho ! come from the rank full :

Richmond, relieve me,

Richmond, receive me,
Once more to "rest and be thankful."

Thought Toy an Indifferentist.

In cold weather I incline to the religion of Zoroaster, and worship
perpetual fire. My tailor's Christmas account having just been sent in,
my thoughts are turned in the direction of Yesta. Yery few London
servants would have been capable of serving in her temple, if keeping
up the sacred fire by night and day was the condition of their engage-
ment. I don't recollect one housemaid who would . have been among
the Yestals.

104

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 10, 1866.

" A YOUNG MAN wishes to find a home with a pious family, where his Christian example will be considered sufficient remuneration for his
-^ Board and Lodging. Address," &c. — (An actual Advertisement,)

A Nice young man, and a modest, too,
Offers himself to the public view :
And Punch does all he possibly can,
To aid the aim of the nice young man.

The household will be truly blest
Which this nice young man selects for nest ;
Nor will think " example " a payment queer
For board and washing, and bed and beer.

In his pious presence there won't be heard
Erom the naughtiest urchin a naughty word,
And if Maky Jane should giggle at Anne,
He '11 frown them solemn, the good young man.

If the tea is weak, or the butter salt,
The nice young party will find no fault ;
If the meat is rag, and the pudding stone,
The nice young party will only groan.

Should Mamma show rage, and Papa drop oath,
The nice young man will reprove them both ;
And if the servant should tell a lie,
The nice young man will exclaim " 0, fie ! "

Treasure like this is treasure indeed,

It does one good such a thing to read,

And we 've drawn a Triptych in which you scan

The saintly life of the nice young man.

HOMICIDAL FORGERY.

The Report of the Committee on Capital .Punishments is an able
production ; but not quite exhaustive.

On the 26th of last month, before Ma. C. J. Carttar, Coroner for
Kent, at the Beehive Tavern, Greenwich, an inquest was held on the
body of Henry Griffiths, one of the crew of the St. Andrew's Castle.
The British Jury that assisted in this investigation returned the following
verdict : —

" That the deceased died from scurvy ; and the Jury further say, that the juice
shipped aboard the St. Andrew's Castle was a chemical decoction perfectly useless
as a preventive of scurvy."

By "decoction" the British Jury will be seen to have meant solution.
However, they were quite right in stigmatising it as useless. According
to the evidence of Dr. Henry Leach, a medical officer of the Dread-
nought, as to the so-called lime-juice which had been administered to*
the deceased on board the St. Andrew's Castle—

"It was either citric acid and water, or woak lemon-juice, but they " (witness and!
a chemist of high standing) " believed that it was merely citric acid and water."

The British Jury that brought in the verdict above-quoted, wished to
return one of " manslaughter," but that, the Coroner told them, they
could not legally do. Manslaughter, certainly, is not the verdict that

ought to be returnable in such a case as this. It is all very well for a
British Jury to be able to return a verdict of manslaughter against a
hapless Chemist who, in a fit of mental absence, has dispensed a phial of
laudanum by mistake for a black dose, or against an unfortunate Surgeon
who, by an error in judgment, has destroyed the life that he did his best
to save. But the offence of knowingly and wilfully supplying useless
stuff under the name of a remedy, to be employed as such for the cure
of diseases which that remedy may be requisite to prevent from killing,
is surely about as great a crime as any that can deserve capital punish-
ment. The Committee on that subject has omitted, in its Report, to
say whether, in its opinion, criminals guilty of adulterating or counter-
feiting medicine on whose purity life may depend, ought to be hanged,
or only condemned to penal servitude for life and periodical flogging.

On a Late Canard.

" Lord Russell out ! Stuff ! When he 's put his foot
Down on the Bill ? A fight he '11 brave, and win it ! "

" Are you quite right P On the Bill put his foot P
Should you not rather say, put his foot in it ?"

a real scotch joke.
What *s the next wine to Golden Sherry P Sillery. {Siller— eh P)

March 10, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

105

(On the Wiltshire Downs.)-

A FORWARD YOUTH.

-Master George, wishing to be a Hunting Man, discards his Crupper, and finds in consequence
that there is suca a Thing as being a little too Forward.

HAIR-TRAPS.

What endless ingenuity has been exercised in constructing traps for
catching heirs ! Our exalted Grandmammas employed powder as well
as hair-triggers at a punctilious period when heirs stood much on forms.
Neither Bramah nor Chubb could show such complicated locks as
those with which belles were formerly fitted up. An inartificial sim-
plicity now masks the spring of these terrible engines. Every day we
hear of captives being taken by Italian bands, and once caught, be
assured, their freedom is forfeited, beyond possibility of ransom.

Some time ago hair-traps with long twisted pendulums attached, and
cherry-coloured bows, were extensively exhibited, and set. Rude people
made small sport of them, and we doubt whether they ever brought to
grief a heir that was worth a shilling. More recently a Chinese trap
has received countenance from the heads of families. Eor a long while
nets were used in various parts of England by devoted lovers of the
chace, but this barbarous practice is now rarely adopted in Belgravia,
unless it be within a very limited area. We are not sure, however,
that in a picturesque point of view it has been improved upon by the
dead weight which some modern hair-traps carry. Heirs are by nature
timid and quickly alarmed, and a chignon might easily be mistaken
for a porter's knot.

We were recently invited to an exhibition in Hanover Square, where
we had an opportunity of observing the process of trap-manufacture.
A sensible shudder ran through our frame as we glanced at the danger-
ous instruments around us, mounted on moveable carriages, and we
felt like a lady when viewing a cannon-foundry. In imagination we saw
the eldest son of a doting mother heart-stricken by one of these curious
machines. Then we pictured to ourselves the cherished nephew of a
wealthy bachelor baronet suddenly arrested in his wild career of joy,
like a caged skylark, and condemed to carol a connubial and domes-
ticated song. A Minister of State, a Colonel of Militia, and a Naval
Commander were next taken prisoners, and held out their hands to be
pinioned without a struggle, but not without a sigh. Here were con-
trivances of a most complex character, some resembling a battery of
field pieces. Depending from a marble arch was a coil of little snakes.

Further on we observed a species of trellis-work flanked by chaos in
chevelure. On one side crisp waves glistened beneath the sun-light, on^
the other playful ripples, from which perfume arose, lulling the senses'
as they sweetly succumbed to the mighty power of capillary attraction.
In addition to those above described, there are other traps under the
express sanction of the law, and which supported by lofty poles, are
chiefly used in snapping up fees. These legal implements are made,
we believe, of strong horse-hair, and are capable, when handled with
dexterity, of catching at one coup a woolsack and a great seal.

Worms against Worms.

With garlic, Onions, ginger, Worms

Doth assafoetida combine,
And teacheth, on no sordid terms,

Therewith the cure of ailing kine,
If poleaxe, thence, need no employ

To send our oxen to the grave.
From worms that cattle do destroy,

Then Worms, in truth, shall cattle save.

Dear Editor,— A dog called Beauty (" Bute " for short) ate some
fowls. Whereupon your young man said, impromptu,

" Bute puts the fowls
Into iris bow'ls."

OBJECTION TO A UNIFORM RATE.

Mr. Bumble the Beadle begs to say, that he werry much objects to
the idear of uniform rating. Such a system, Mr. Bumble believes,
would lead to a most unporochial reduction of the splendour of
porochial hofilcers' costume.

POEM ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE.

Of this Establishment how can we speak ?
Its cheese is mitey and its ale is weak.

106

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 10, 1866.

I THE PRIZE NAUTICAL DRAMA-

The Prize for the T. P. Cooke drama has been awarded. Why
has the following play been overlooked ?

THE PIRATES OF THE POSADA;

OR, THE MERMAIDEN'S VOICELESS VOW.
A NAUTICAL-EQUESTRIAN COMEDY DRAMA, IN PIVE ACTS.

DRAMATIS PERSONS.

Agastasius O'Flaherty (Renegado commanding the Mounted Marines).

Black Bolster (a Mermaid in the disguise of a French Commissariat.)

The High Admiral of the Yellow (with a song, unless some one else sings it first.)

Moses ben Mishi (a Jew Pedlar in love with Zorinda).

Miss Jones (daughter of Old Jones.)

Perriwix (her Maid, but in reality a conceited scion of the Accountant-General's
family in India.)

The mmama (who turns out to he only the i^— ■ though subsequently mistaken for
■^■■■t , and rejected by several people on that account. Afterwards in disguise of a
happy »™™»» called by his friends * * * *, whom, however, he is deceiving.

The Mermaiden (The Voiceless— the Pride of the Ocean.)

Act I., Scene 1. — Interior of a Jam Closet. Time — Night. Through
the air-holes is seen the waving sea in the distance, and the howling
winds" are heard as they career across stage from l. to R. (l. means
left and so does r.) The Maniac's eye is noticed by those nearest the
stage {extra price) glittering through the keyhole. He sings the
opening chorus, sotto voce, and retires. End of first tableau. A Storm
gets up.

Enter Black. Bolster//^ looks cautiously about and swears.
Black Bolster. So, she has slipt her mainstays and parted athwart
the hawser. But tremble, tyrant ! for this {shows dagger to audience)
Aloft ! he comes. [Climbs up and down till he 's tired.

Enter Ruffians dragging in the Lord High Admiral l. h. and r. h. (r. h.
means Right hand. ) The Reader is supposed to be in the Spanish
Armada facing the audience.

All the Ruffians {together). Thou hast that about thee that passes
show. Hush ! We shall be overheard.

Chorus. Fortissimo.

Hey ! nonny ! nonny !
Blow the winds for the serpent's tooth !
Glorious are the days when we were young !
Solo. The High Admiral {accompanying himself upon a dulcimer con-
cealed up his sleeve).

Oh, why this rage ! why bear ye thus my limbs ?
I care not for you : 'tis but one poor jump,
Then all is over : over : over. Yes. The drum !
[Trumpet heard without: I can play the trumpet. — Author's note.

Enter Matt Moggletop and all the other Characters who have not ap-
peared at present. They release the Ruffians. Tableau.

Sir Davy {apart, chuckling). Lor' love his dear eyes ! if it ain't enough

to grapple a capstern. [.Dances aside.

The Duke. Give me your hand, my man. {Takes his hand.) Though

rank may sever us in society, yet remember that beneath that waistcoat

beats the same heart that nurtured us both in childhood.

Moses {much affected). And will again.

[The Duke sinks through trap c, and several other people slink off in
different directions as the scene closes. Tableau.

Act II.— Same as Act I
Act III, Scene

This can be omitted in representation,

1. — A Mountainous District in Mesopotamia. Ships
sailing. Time: half-price.

Enter Sir Bichard, as if pursued, folloioed by the and Lady

Olivia.
Sir Peter. 'Gad, Madam, you give me but a modicum after all.
Lady Olivia. When you married me you didn't say that.
Sir Peter. No, indeed, or {significantly) — or it might have been
otherwise.

Lady Olivia. Well, Sir Peter, if you will throw the basin at a poor
widow, it is not he who must suffer.

Sir Peter. Zounds, Madam, 'tis true. {Takes snuff.) A woman only
has to say the word, and there 's no doubt of it.

[Safe laugh this from the pit. — Author's note.

The — — . I can endure this no longer. [Tears them asunder.

[They embark for Africa. Exit the surreptitiously.

Scene 2.— The keel of the Convolvulus, H.M.S. On the forecastle
stands John holding Adolphus on the wheel. The Admiral is
singing on the maintop mizen, while three midshipmen in trunks
are vacillating on the c/ieerful bobstays. All hands piping.

Ben. Come mates ! Call in the fiddler. {They send on shore for a
fiddler, who enters without his fiddle.) Nay then ! a song ! a song !

[After song the enemy's ship heaves herself in sight, and all prepare

to receive cavalry. Real guns, real pumps, real sea-water, real

swords. The enemy attempt to board the vessel, and, as there

• must be real fighting, the attempt may or may not be successful.

The tableau will be arranged by the survivors among themselves.

The {rising). Mine ! mine ! at last !

[Blue, red, and green fire. Rockets. Squibs. The fort appears in
■flames. The Black Slaves leave their holds, and throw them-
selves into the sea. Somebody strikes an attitude. Curtain.

Act IV., Scene 1. — The Bay of Tunis. The horizon can just be seen
through the last wave. Time, half-past twelve, only the clock 's
supposed to be a quarter of an hour fast. Below the gangway
are three Mariners. The raft passes from left to right, to slow
music, A salt-junk, filled with Chinese, passes over the bay.

Charles Surface {swimming towards them, holding a flag of truce.) It is
never too late to mend. [Tableau.

Pirates {drinking, and not observing him).

Hey ! for the Bover's life !

Charles Surface {quietly), Por the man who wouldn't [Sinks.

[Chord, and a Tableau.

Enter, above, Captain Horncastle. Tableau.

Captain. And yet, methinks, she loves me !

Ben Bolt. Ay, ay, Sir. [Taps the side of his nose. Tableau.

Captain. Say you so ? Then no time must be lost. {Winds up the
Clock. They search for Charles.) No, he has escaped !

The {suddenly). But you are mine ! mine ! mine for ever !

[The Simoom sweeps over the horizon, and destroys them at one blow.
The Straits of Dover are seen going from England to France as
the ship explodes. Tableau.

Act V., Scene 1. — The interior of Scotland. On a peg hangs the
Admiral's hat. In the corner r. stand his boots in an attitude of
remonstrance. Chain cables lie about in different parts of the Cabin.
Tableau. Several people discovered making two hundred a year on
the average. Tableau.
Students {aside). Ech, Sirs, its a braw gude dounie wassai.
[The Fishermen struggle with them, but in the end Miss Marmalade
is rescued from the gang, and delivered over to her parents.
Old Marmalade. Bless you, my own ! Take her {to Young Bolus),
and be happy ! [The boat sinks.
All. What misery is theirs ! [Tableau.
[A low wail rises from the sea, and is immediately caught up by those
on board.
Rip Van Ravenswood. Approach, dastard! {to somebody, name un-
known) and receive the reward that

His Crew. An honest heart can still

Admiral and Crew {together). Give. - Die, villain !

[The Pirate falls. Blue fire. Tableau to imitate Buckstone ; and
Scene closes.
The next is a short scene artistically introduced to allow of the " heavy

set " being made behind.
Scene 2. — An extensive park leading through vistas of mountains
into the cliffs bordering on the Caspian, r. h. stands a board,
on which is written," No admittance except on business." . Enter a
company of soldiers in search c/'Sihmums, the escaped convict.
Charles {still sleeping.) My mother— she washes me. Ah! Isabella.
{Awakes) Ha ! where ami?

The Commander-in-chief {suddenly smashing in the Admiral's cocked
hat). Here ! {Tableau).

[Leopards, and tigers, and snakes bound on, and {being of course
tamed for the purpose) devour the Pirates. Scene then opens and
discovers

Scene Last. — The Sea of Durham. The sun, rising, discovers the united
fleets of England, Ireland, and Prussia triumphing over the Posada
and a tornado. Guns, cannons, fires.

Admiral {to Miss Jones). Then it was you, after all P

Miss Jones {blushing). I cannot deny it now.

Agastasius. Och, sure, but the bracelet

Black Bolster. Was yours [Turning to Lady Olivia.

Lady Olivia. I will never be jealous again.

John. Ah, if I really thought you could mean that

Samuel. She does.

All {except Adolphus). She does.

Alfred. Why then I should no longer have any hesitation in declaring
that the Second Will is in her favour.

The . It is, and I am lost. {Disappears.)

1st Ruffian. And she is the long lost daughter of

James {enthusiastically). No, she is {coming forward to audience) the
Mermaiden of the Voiceless Vow. {Bows.)

[All bow. Tableau representing allegorically The Steward's Berth.
End. Curtain. Overture.

March 17, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,

107

AMONG THE ARTISTS.

other evening, my
dear 3/r. Punch, I
was strolling near
St. Martin's Church,
about eight, trying
to get up an appetite
for dinner, when I
perceived that a side-
door of the Royal
Academy was open,
and that_ persons
were entering.

Now, though not
a flaneur, like my

friend, Mr. Y s

(whose capital novel
Land at Last, I
hereby desire to pu-
— I mean to recom-
mend to your atten-
tion), I am always
but too ready to
yield to the impulse
of the moment. The
impulse of that mo-
ment was to enter
in at the Academy
door, and see what
the persons were
going to do. There.'are many difficulties, however, in this world, and I
personally encountered one in the person of a porter, in an exceedingly
handsome red gown, who asked me for a .ticket. Informed that I hadn't
got one, he inclined, I thought from his expressions, to the opinion that
I had better go away. Affably controverting this view, which, I am
bound to say, was very civilly urged, as became a servant of the Artes
whose study emollit mores, I was suddenly taken by the arm, and a
pleasant voice said,
" Do you want to come in ? Great compliment to us, I am sure."
" I am equally sure of it," says I ; "and who are you ? "
" Now, if there is one thing in the world that J dislike," says my new
friend, " it is an unnecessary question. Come in, can't you ? "

" Well, your door is wide enough for an Elephant, and an Epicurtjs
might manage," I promptly retorted. And in I went.

" Take off your things, and leave 'em here," said he, as we came into
a large room with a lot of tables. " They '11 be quite safe, I assure
you."

" I— I— beg pardon," said I, rather frightened, and adding, in a
whisper, " I 'm not a Model."

" I should say not," says he, bursting into a laugh which was very
rude and uncalled for. But I left my cloak, and hat, and umbrella, and
wallet, and my folio edition of Bubton's Anatomy of Melancholy, which
I am fond of reading in the street.

" Now," says my companion, " come on." We went, past a screen,
into another large chamber.
" This," he said, " is our Council Room. Have some tea ? "
" I will," I replied, "if the state of the Academy funds justifies that
outlay upon an outsider. You are quite sure of that ? "

He said he was, and that there might be a little surplus afterwards.
A domestic, in elegant attire, then brought me some tea, and I can truly
say that it. did credit to the taste of the Royal Academy.

I should mention that there were many gentlemen in the handsome
room, which was decorated with pictures, and had no end of a painted
ceiling, which came from Somerset House, where, as you may not be
aware, the Exhibition used to be. I recognised most of the gentlemen,
from photographs for which I have once or twice asked you to
pay. By Jove, Sir (a harmless oath from Epicurus), there was a large
instalment of The Forty, the men whose works make the talk of a
thousand dinner-tables, and, I trust, cover their own with every luxury
in or out of season. 1 say this, partly out of benevolence, and partly
because I have received several invitations. My companion mentioned
my name, adding yours (which was quite needless, I flatter myself), and
my reception was most affable. Frankly, I think that more than one
painter of history pieces must have been struck by the nobility of my
features, and I observed that several great portrait artists regarded me
in a peculiar manner. If I have not yet been asked to sit to any of
them, it is, I am sure, from a delicate consideration of the great value
of my time.

But I could not conceive what they were going to do, and I didn't
like to ask. There is nothing like masterly inaction, as my friend
Mr. Disraeli says. The world is to him who knows. how to wait.

Suddenly the porter or beadle announced (we could hear it without
him) that St. Martin had said 8.
" Come in," said the gentleman who had hitherto played Virgil to

my Dante— not that the Academy is an Lnferno, quite the reverse, I
am sure. " You must have a seat."

And where do you think I found myself? Why, in that big room of
all, in which, when the Exhibition is open, it is so delightful to be
caught by crinolines, and either imprisoned for ten minutes, or sent
whirling into some old dowager's expansive and expensive arms. All
the pictures were gone, of course, but instead of them hung huge and
frameless copies of the Cartoons, of the Great Supper, and the Great
Descent ; and the room was divided by a partition. On one side were
two long rows of pictorial Swells, with a Presidential chair in the
middle, and on the other were lots of students, merry, earnest, watchful
young fellows, mostly, who cheered royally as the notables came in. My
keen glance instantly fell upon a yet more interesting group— a knot of
bright-eyed young ladies, students also, as I learned. I regret that the
seat allotted to me was too far from them to permit them to see
me well.

" Now," I said to myself, with my usual prescience, " I shall find
out what we are going to do."

At this moment I observed, iu face of the Presidential chair, a large
and well fortified Tribune, and light broke into my soul.

" I am blessed if I am not going to hear a lecture," said I, discon-
tentedly. " How can I get out ? Am I a person to be instructed ? "

As 1 grumbled these words, tremendous applause burst forth, and a
gentleman ascended the rostrum. I recalled the words, for something
in that gentleman's appearance told me that I should hear him with satis-
faction. An earnest face, a bright eye, and hair and beard silvered, I
trust not from the cause— deep affliction at the follies of others — which
has streaked my own chestnut locks with white. "I will hear this,"
said I, as the applause broke out again, and with a calm and kindly
glance at the younger part of his audience, the lecturer began.

He spoke of Art, Sir, and upon that subject no one was so"capable
as myself to judge his words. This was the last of four lectures, it
seemed. He addressed himself to the students, and in a lecture of a
scholarly and elaborated kind, he impressed truths upon them. I am
not a student ; but had I been one, I should have been grateful for the
counsel so carefully weighed and so earnestly given. I shall not report
the address, though I could easily do so. But I wiU set down that,
amid many brilliant antitheses and many pregnant aphorisms, he said : —

" Do not imitate others. Imitation is a partial abandonment of
Reason."

It occurred to me, Sir, that this would be a good motto for the next
Catalogue. I should have risen and said so, but feared that I might be
turned out.

The lecture seemed to me — yes, Sir, to me, your homme blase— too
short. I was much interested, especially by the glowing and poetical
eulogy which he pronounced upon the very few pictures to which he
could accord the merit of real greatness. I was also interested in the
intense attention of his audience, and especially in that of the young
artists. Doubtless future Academicians— perhaps a Lady President
(and why not ?) sat there behind the men who have made their names
household words. The whole affair was fresh to me, and I said, as I
rose, that I should sketch the scene for you.

" But who is the lecturer," said I to my next neighbour.

" Good Jupiter ! " he said, " don't you know ? "

" Shouldn't have asked if I did," I said, haughtily.

He whispered.

" What ? " cried I, in too great a hurry to be, I think, rigidly gram-
matical. " Him which painted Eastward Ho ! and Canute in the last
Exhibition, and "

" And a score of other admirable works— hold your row, can't you ? "

" Shan't for you," I replied, walking off to my dinner.

Yours, artistically, Epicurus Rotundus.

PADDING.

Paragraphs to fill up a paper during a dearth of 'news. We do not
want them ourselves this week, and present them with our compliments
to any newspaper, gratis : —

Young Woman found behind a Fire-place.— About one o'clock yester-
day morning, one of the Sudbury Police received intimation that there
was a scratching, behind the bricks of a fire-place, in one of the
Cottages near at hand. On going thither, and removing the plaster
and mortar, a young girl, aged seventeen, was found. She was alive
and quite well. Being asked how she got there, she was unable to give
any satisfactory reply. She stated, in answer to the Inspector, that
she had been there for eight years. This is another proof of the extra-
ordinary vitality of the young women in Sudbury.

Narrow Escape.— As Mr. Sadler, a master Mason, was walking
past No. 13, Lime Tree Walk, Carlisle, a scaffolding, which had been
for some time in a very unsafe condition, suddenly fell. As this was at
the other end of the town, it luckily did not hurt Mr. Sadler, who
indeed did not hear of the accident until next day.

A whole Tillage in Missouri has been blown away by the recent
tempestuous gales.

VOL. L

M

108

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 17, 1866.

PRESENCE OF MIND.

Driver. " Run round, Jack, Sit on her Head, and Cot the Traces."

SHOCKING CASE OF LOCAL DESTITUTION.

The Polar blast that swept over Great Britain on the first instant
has threatened to convert what was apparently going to be an early
spring into a late winter. With the virtual return of Christmas,
Christmas charities also return. Atmospheric cold only serves to
inflame Benevolence. Compassion is piqued by inclement skies.

The London casuals and poor of every description will no doubt
experience all that munificence which can be demanded by a supplemen-
tary winter. The attention, however, of the affluent and bountiful may
require to be called to less obtrusive distress in the provinces. May
we venture to direct it to the grievous poverty which must be believed
to afflict the inhabitants of Wareham ?

The cupola of Wareham Town-hall wants to be repaired. An answer
to a pathetic epistolary appeal for the sum needful for that purpose,
addressed, by the Mayor of the above-named borough to his Royal
Highness the Prince of Wales, concludes thus, in the words of
General Knollts : —

" His Royal Highness is very sensible of the loyal feelings which hare prompted
you, as Mayor of Wareham, to make this application on behalf of so ancient and
loyal a borough, and it would have afforded him sincere gratification to have
answered it favourably had he not feared such precedent would be productive of
similar appeals without the same merits or the same excuse. His Royal Highness
trusts, however, that the estimated expense being only between £7 and £8, the
good feeling of the inhabitants of Wareham will, on such an occasion, where the
livesof tbe Corporation are in question, supply the want of any corporation fund
applicable for the required purpose."

His Royal Highness the Prince or Wales, of course, is not aware
of the extreme poverty under which the inhabitants of Wareham must
be suffering, inasmuch as their Mayor is obliged to beg £8 on their
behalf to place in safety the cupola which, whenever he is seated in his
official chair, impends over his own head and the heads of the Corpora-
tion. The latter, to be sure, through Mr. Arthur Trevenen, one of
their number, repudiate the Mayor's appeal to the generosity of His
Royal Highness, but it is too clear that .they are all in a state of
Damocles and destitution.

Any old clothes, any old shoes, any old hats, or bonnets, will be

doubtless acceptable, on behalf of the indigent Warehamites, to the
Mayor of Wareham. Donations of coals and blankets just now
would be highly seasonable. In short we may be too sure that the
smallest donation of any kind would be thankfully received. It is
clearly not only the cupola of Wareham Town-hall that wants mending,
but also the garments of the townspeople (who cannot but be out at
elbows) and particularly the Mayor's gown. A subscription of sums,
each not exceeding the smallest coin of the realm, is opened for their
benefit at 85, Fleet Street. To this fund we feel sure that the very
poorest will contribute, for the loaf is seldom down to even money,
and they will never miss the odd farthing.

A READING BY STAR-LIGHT.

Mr. Punch deeply and profoundly (he may say abyssively) regrets
to discover by a reading of the kind above mentioned that his well-
meant and kindly endeavour to promote the interests of a contemporary
has been misjudged. He had hoped that no one who had studied
Mr. Punch's character, which is as remarkable for its amiability as for
its brilliancy, could fail to appreciate his earnestness in giving any
Christian a benevolent shove-up to aid him in any meritorious effort.
In complimenting the Morning Star upon the bold and sensational
nature of its Jamaican Revelations, Mr. Punch had not the least inten-
tion of giving offence to his respected neighbour. Had Mr. Punch
intended to be disagreeable, in which endeavour, however, he must
always signally fail, he might have pointed out that to envelope serious
narrative in the garb of penny fiction, is at once to discredit the writer
in the estimation of educated people. But his sweet disposition re-
volted at the idea of severity, and he blandly favoured his astral neigh-
bour with a hint which Mr. Punch is happy to see has been taken in
reference to later Revelations. Mr. Punch will only add, that when he
commits an injustice, he will say to the Star, with Ion —

" This breast shall be as open to thy sword
As now to thine embrace. "

Let us liquor, if the Star will tolerate an American expression.

JWatCf) 17, 1866.]

$uttrfj, or tije 3LonUon (£jjartoari.

109

She bore her burden all that day
Half-faint ; the unconverted clay

© raigzxiz !
A burden grew, beneath the sun,
In many a manner more than one.

<9 migzxiz !
Half -faint the whitening road along
She bore it, singing (in her song)—

<& midzxiz !

" The locks you loved, (ffiautoaine, ffiautoafne,
Will never know the comb again ! . . .

The man you slew, (ffiautoalne, (ffiantoafn?,
Will never come to life again !

So when they do, (ffiauteatne, ffiautoaltu,
Then take me back to town again ! " . . .

The shepherds gazed, but marvelled not ;
They knew the ways of Camelot !

O mtezxiz !
She heeded neither man nor beast :
Her shadow lengthened toward the east.

<& mtezxiz I
A little castle she drew nigh,
With seven towers twelve inches high. . ,

<& rai&zxiz !
A baby castle, all a-flame
With many a flower that hath no name.

& migzxiz !
It had a little moat all round :
A little drawbridge too she found,

& mtezxiz !
On which there stood a stately maid,
Like her in radiant locks arrayed . . , 1

& miSzxiz !

% Itpi nf (taint— %wA 3.

Save that her locks grew rank and wild,
By weaver's shuttle undefiled ! . . .

<B mtizxie !
Who held her brush and comb, as if
Her faltering hands had waxed stiff

& mtetxit !
With baulkt endeavour ! whence she sung
A chant, the burden whereof rung :

© mtezxiz !

" These hands have striven in vain
To part
These locks that won (Bautoalne
His heart ! "

All breathless, 38raumjjljrma"asl stopt
To listen, and her load she dropt,

& xatizxiz I
And rolled in wonder wild and blear
The whites of her eyes grown green with fear :

<& mtezxiz !
— " What is your name, young person, pray P "
—"Knights call me $iOz\z>&ixvxiq,z&'\z>$H#"

© mtezxit I
— " You wear a wedding-ring, I see ! "
— " I do . . . ©aufoatnc he gave it me ... "

<& mtezxiz 1
— " Are you <Saufoawe his wedded spouse P
Is this ©aufoatne his . . . country-house P "

& mtezxie I
— "I am . . it is . . we are . . oh who,
That you should greet me thus, are you P"

<© miietit !
—"I am ANOTHER! . . since the morn
The fourth month of the year was born ! " . .

& vaiizxit !

— " What ! that which followed when the last
Bleak night of bitter March had past ? " . .

© miizxiz !
— " The same." — " That day for both hath

done !
And you, and he, and I, are ONE ! " . .

<© vni&zxiz !
Then hand in hand, most woefully,
They went, the willows weeping nigh ;

<& migzxiz !
Left hand in left was left to cling ! J
On each a silver wedding-ring.

<& mifzxiz !
And having walkt a little space,
They halted, each one in her place :

<& mtezxiz !
And chanted loud a wondrous plaint
Well chosen : wild, one-noted, quaint :

© migzxiz !

" Heigho ! the Wind and the Rain !

The Moon 's at the Full, ffiautoalne, ffiatltoaftU !

Heigho 1 the Wind and the Bain
On gold-hair woven, and gold-hair plain I

Heigho I the Wind and the Bain I
Oh when shall we Three meet again ! "

Atween the river and the wood.

Knee-deep 'mid whispering reeds they stood :

® migzxiz !
The green earth oozing soft and dank
Beneath them, soakt and suckt and sank ! . . .

& mi&zxiz !
Yet soak-and-suck-and-sink or not,
They, chanting, craned towards Camelot. . . .

& miizxle I

110

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[March 17, 1866.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

unday is the ac-
cepted Zummerset
pronunciation of
Sunday, but Mr.
Punch hath to
speak of the Par-
liamentary week
beginning —

Monday, March
5. Lord Chelms-
ford had the plea-
sure of defeating
an attempt by the
Chancellor to
improve the law of
evidence taken in
Divorce cases. By
way of compensa-
tion to himself for
having done his
. duty as an obstruc-
tive peer, the able
self-made man told
the Lords a story
of " a member of

their Lordships' House," who was, nevertheless, a young man " not highly educated,"
and who had been nearly victimised by an artful young lady. Are there such things
as ignorant young Lords, and do they vote on measures affecting the interests of the
nation ?

.For the honour of the sturdy dwellers on the Durham Coast, we rejoice to be
able to say that the Admiralty declares its disbelief in the story about the exhibition
of false lights to wreck ships. We hope and believe that if a scoundrel were base
enough even to suggest such an infernal idea to any two or three of those brave fellows,
they would do the right thing by him, according to their lights (and ours) by
pitching him into the sea, and leaving him there.

Mr. Gladstone informed Mr. Bright that the despatches of the naval officers
concerned in suppressing the Jamaica rebellion were written without warning being
given to the writers not to be frank and sailorlike, and, therefore, that the Admiralty
was not at liberty to publish those documents. The military officers' despatches
were in the hands of Sir Henry Storks, as military superior. Mr. Bright
declared that he should endeavour to obtain the former letters ; but we imagine that
his Grace of Somerset, having made up his mind on the matter, is not likely to give
way. Nor does it seem just to examine an officer's confidential communications to
his employers, in the hope of extracting evidence to his detriment.

In a discussion on the intended improvements in Palace Yard, Mr. Lowe com-
plained that Members ran the risk of' their lives two or three times a day, from the
vehicles which rush across the approaches to the House. Mr. Cowper said that
a subway would be constructed from the Clock Tower to Bridge Street. But in
the meantime half the representative body may be knocked down, as happened last
week to good Sir John Kynaston, late of Hardwickj Hall, and later of Charing
Cross Hospital. We suggest, as a preliminary measure of precaution, that the
letters M.P., printed largely, at the expense of the nation, be affixed to the hat of
every Member, and that drivers be ordered, on pain of flogging, to pull up and allow
the wearer of such ensign to cross the street.

Lord Hartington then favoured us with the Army Estimates. There is about a
quarter of a million of reduction from the amount of last year. But that 's not
much." He said that the Army thinks best of the Armstrong gun, and the Navy of
the Whitworths. We have not arrived at a breech-loading rifle, nor, for our com-
fort, has Prance. There is some Penianism in the Army, but there is no doubt of its
general loyalty. He asked for 138,117 men.

Sir Charles Russell, Victoria Crossman, made an effective speech against the
present system of musketry instruction, which appears to be much overdone. Lord
Elcho is of this opinion, and asserts that any man of ordinary brains can learn the
necessary rudiments in a fortnight. Government promises to consider the matter.
Major Dickson condemned the examination for commissions, and desired to have,
not educated, but " dashing " officers. The gallant Major is like the Irish young
ladies complained of by the jilted schoolmaster,

" They don't care three praties for Platos and Catos,
They likes strapping dunces what stands six foot high."

Tuesday. Mr. Punch is happy to say that, after a fight, the Gas Companies were
routed, and the Corporation Gas Bill was read a Second Time, and referred to a Com-
mittee. A howl was made about breach of faith with the existing gangs of gas-
makers, as if any consideration were due to folks who sell the worst of gas at the
highest price they can extort. Pancy being sentimental over a gasometer ! The
Mid-London Railway Bill, which really did promise many conveniences to the Lon-
doners, was thrown out. Lord Stanley thought that we ought to wait and see
what the Inner Circle, which is to be complete in about two years, would do for us.
Well, such of us as are not run over in the meantime by the cabs and Van demons
will see what we shall see, and the others will not mind.

Mr. Chambers brought in a Bill for legalising marriage with one's sister-in-law.
The Commons have several times approved such a measure, and the Lords have

decided that there was no sin in such a marriage.if it were made
before a certain date, but since that date the act acquired
wickedness. Of course one would not dispute on a religious
question with the Lords Spiritual, but this chronological
theology seems funny to the irreverent.

Mr. Hibbert brought in a Bill for legalising executions
in prison. Sir George Grey did not oppose it, but said that
the Government Bill on Capital Punishment would include
provision for the above purpose. Mr. Ewart, while pro-
testing against executions altogether, thought that the Bill
ought to [provide for the admission of representatives of
the}Press to see the sentence carried out. This recognition
of the Pourth Estate, by the other Three, would be a desir-
able novelty, but one could wish the opportunity selected
were a more pleasant one. The Press might be brought
into the Constitution by some other way than through the
Press Yard.

Wednesday was devoted to a Church Rate Debate, when
the Second Reading of a Bill for the total abolition of the
Rate was carried by a majority of 33 in a house of 537.
But Mr. Gladstone, though voting for the Bill, intimated
that it must be much altered in Committee, and he suggests
a compromise, by which the compulsory character of the
rate shall be got rid of. The Dissenters, on the other
hand, wish to destroy all idea of the supremacy of the
Church of England. Mr. Bright made a very forbearing
speech, and said that although he believed and hoped that
in a few years the political character of the Church would
be extinguished, she would endure as a religious institution
so long as she had the power to convey the truths of the
New Testament to a single citizen. Mr. Disraeli made
a forcible appeal to Members not to vote one thing when
they meant another ; but the result, though the majority
was small, showed the confidence of the House in Mr.
Gladstone.

Thursday. The Lords passed the other Cattle Plague
Bill (Mr. Hunt's), with various alterations. Lord El-
lenborough said that we should never get rid of this
plague until we got rid of the plague of Professors who
professed to cure it. Legislation having now done its
worst, we may interpolate a record that although the Go-
vernment declines to appoint a Past-Day in reference to
the Rinderpest, the Primates and the Bishops are recom-
mending such an observance. Some Clergymen are recalci-
trant, and refuse to obey ; first, because the order can only
properly come from the Queen, and, secondly, because this
is Lent, and is therefore already a time for fasting. In
Scotland a Past-Day is fixed, but Mr. Hope, of Edinburgh,
protests against it, having discovered that the disease was
sent to punish us for granting money in support of Popery,
and for using intoxicating liquors, and he therefore states
that until we cease from these crimes, it is of no use making
" a general confession of sin in the Slump."

Mr. Disraeli made a long speech on the Parliamentary
Oaths Bill. He and other intellectual Conservatives have
seen the absurdity of clinging to the old form, and we dare
say that he has privately asked Mr. Newdegate whether
he would not like to introduce words providing for the
exclusion of the descendants of Perkin Warbeck. But
it is necessary to be solemn, even when abandoning a folly.
" There is a form in these things, Madam, there is a form."
So, in virtually announcing the surrender of the old oath,
it was necessary for Mr. Disraeli to intimate that he
must take dynastic securities, and a statement that the
Queen is supreme in her Courts of justice. As if anything
in England were really based on an oath. One is sorry to
find that a body of English gentlemen require such talk
from their leader. Mr. Newdegate's anti-Popery terrors
one can understand. The debate was prolonged until Mr.
Whalley rose, and the New House has evidently taken
the same measure of this gentleman as the old, for those
who did not cry " divide," cried sing," and [made noises
which the Speaker was obliged to notice. _ Does it not
occur to Mr. Whalley that a gentleman is in a false posi-
tion when he forces himself on a House which, rightly or
wrongly, always treats him with disrespect ? Occasionally,
jeering and laughter may be bestowed on a Burke or a
Gladstone, but to be always treated as a buffoon, implies
a mistake somewhere.

Friday. The Foreign Secretary said that Mr. Rassam,
who has gone to Abyssinia in the hope of rescuing the cap-
tives, had received a polite invitation from King Theodore
to come to his Court, which the gallant adventurer had

March 17, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Ill

expected to reach about the 10th of January. The Earl thought this
to be very satisfactory intelligence, but Lord Ellenborough shook
his noble head.

Very graceful speeches from Earl Granville, who, in moving the
Second Reading of the Royal Annuity Bills, gave the most pleasant
description of the amiable characters of the illustrious young personages
for whom the country so gladly makes provision.

Mb. Speaker had injured himself, while riding, and was obliged to
inform the House that he was in acute pain, and could not preside.
Mb. Dodson, therefore, became First Commoner, and had to call Sib
Morton Peto to order for describing Serjeant Gaselee (perhaps
not inaccurately) as his honourable and excitable friend.

Mb. Thomas Hughes's proposals for compelling Railway Companies
to provide houses for the working men whom they ejected, were dis-
cussed and rejected. Lobd Stanley urged that the plan would create a
new and strange tenant-right, and that Parliament could not reasonably
give an occupier more right against a company than he had against his
landlord, who could turn him out at a week's notice. This is a good
business argument, of course, only the landlord usually permits a man
to stay while he pays his rent, and the Railway's avowed object is in-
stantly to get rid of him. And in getting rid of him and hundreds more,
en masse, it inflicts injury by making new lodgingSjScarce and expensive.
Mr. Hughes stated that the Companies themselves admit this, and
that some of them are prepared to make concessions. Are there not
thousands of Arches that could be made into tenements P

The first Reform gun fired. Arm, arm ! it is, it is, the cannon's
opening roar. Mr. Gladstone laid the statistics on the table.

Sir Robert Peel made an able and elaborate speech against Coal
Smoke, and people had better notice what Y says on the subject. That
Pinal knows all about it, and declares that we are rapidly and wantonly
exhausting our coal, and when that shall be gone, woe to the manufac-
tures of England.

Mr. Gladstone made an amusing speech about Dogs, for, like
Mr. Punch, he can smile on the eve of battle. He seemed to intimate
that he should abolish the present Dog-tax, which it is hard to collect,
and make everybody who keeps a dog pay a small sum — say five
shillings for a licence. This plan, sternly carried out, will abate a great
nuisance.

Navy Estimates were taken, and after the House had refused to
abolish flogging in the Army (it is more satisfactory to read that the
practice is dying out), the Commons dispersed. Their next meeting
was to confront Qfoz ^Reform 3StXT.

HA.RDBAKE AND HYMN-BOOK.

We have been rather pleased than not, we think, with an illustration
of the way in which spiritual and temporal business can be combined by
an ingenious and devout person. The handbill which we subjoin for
the delectation of our readers emanates from the proprietor of a Baptist
goodyshop. We dare say that his religion is as good as his lollipops,
but not being acquainted with either, we hesitate to recommend them
by advertisement, and therefore alter the name and address. But we
gladly notice so delightful a union of the Confectioner and the Christian.

JOHN BLOBBS,

TEA dealer and hard confectioner.

TEA AND GROCERY, 15, BUNKUM STREET, ST. WALKER'S.

CONFECTIONARY.
(A few doors from Queer Street.)
J. B. is the Original and Only Manufacturer of the New Delicious Pure and Clean
Made Sweet, Fruit Cream Two Ounces One Penny.

BUNKUM STREET PREACHING HALL,
RELIGIOUS SERVICES,

Are held as follows : Sundays, Preaching at 11 a.m., and at Half-past 6 p. m. ;
Tuesdays, Prayer Meeting at J-past 8 p.m. Thursdays, Preaching at £past 8 p. nv
* All Seats Free. All are Welcome ! !

A SUNDAY SCHOOL

Is conducted in the same place at Half-past 9 a.m. and at Half-past 2 p.m.

JOHN BLOBBS, Pastor.

N.B. As strangers may not be willing to attend the above services, nor send their
children to the school unless they know its denomination, it may not be unnecessary
to state that it belongs to the Baptist Denomination.

Mendicity at its Source.

So the Mendicity Society refuses to provide for its old and worn-out
servants, or to render any assistance to their widows and surviving
families ! The Mendicity Society is supposed to be a charitable asso-
ciation, but Charity in this instance, does not follow its usual rule.
The mendicity, and not the charity, of the Mendicity Society begins at
home.

Mxllmm M^Ml

BORN : 1795.

DIED : MARCH 6, 1866.

Gone from the rule that was questioned so rarely,
Gone from the seat where he laid down the law ;

Gaunt, stern and stalwart, with broad brow set squarely
O'er the fierce eye, and the granite-hewn jaw.

No more the great Court shall see him dividing
Surpliced crowds thick round the low chapel door :

No more shall idlers shrink cow'd from his chiding,
Senate-house cheers sound his honour no more.

Son of a hammer-man : right kin of Thor, he
Clove his way thorough, right onward, amain ;

Ruled when he'd conquered, was proud of his glory, —
Sledge-hammer smiter, in body and brain.

Sizar and master, — unhasting, unresting ;

Each step a triumph, in fair combat won —
Rivals he faced like a strong swimmer breasting

Waves that, once grappled with, terrors have none.

Trinity marked him o'ertopping the crowd of
Heads and Professors, self-centred, alone :

Rude as his strength was, that strength she was proud of,
Body and mind, she knew all was her own.

" Science his strength, and Omniscience his weakness,"
So they said of him, who envied his power :

Those whom he silenced with more might than meekness,
Carped at his back, in his face fain to cower.

Milder men's graces might in him be lacking,
Still he was honest, kind hearted and brave :

Never good cause looked in vain for his backing,
Pool he ne'er spared, but he never screened knave.

England should cherish all lives, from beginning

Lowly as his to such honour that rise :
Lives, of fair running and straightforward winning,

Lives, that so winning, may boast of the prize.

They that in years past have chafed at his chiding,
They that in boyish mood strove 'gainst his sway,

Boys' hot blood cooled, boys' impatience subsiding,
Rev'rently think of " the Master" to-day.

Counting his courage, his manhood, his knowledge,
Counting the glory he won for us all,

Cambridge— not only his dearly loved College-
Mourns his seat empty in chapel and hall.

Lay him down, here— in the dim ante-chapel,
Where Newton's statue looms ghostly and white,

Broad brow set rigid in thought-mast'ring grapple,
Eyes that look upwards for light— and more light.

So he should rest— not where daisies are growing :

Newton beside him, and over his head
Trinity's fall tide of life, ebbing, flowing,

Morning and evening, as he lies dead.

Sailors sleep best within boom of the billow,
Soldiers in sound of the shrill trumpet call :

So his own Chapel his death sleep should pillow,
Loved in his life-time with love beyond all.

Fiction and Fact.

Whenever I 'm awake in bed,

I lie and think," Tom Bouncer said.

To which remark the prompt reply

Was, " When you're up you think and lie."

MORAL OF THE THEATRE.

Ebom the proverbial title of Mr. Mining's present entertainment,
joined with that of his pending revival, the Metropolitan Vestries may
derive the appropriate motto, Never too late to mend the Streets of
London. ___

A Bad" Investment.— To buy the Honourable -Member for Peter-
borough at his own WHALLEl-ation, and sell him at your own.

112

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 17, 1866.

AN ARREST IN ERROR.

The other Day, Little Molrooney was taking Home some Properties he had Borrowed to Paint in his Academy Picture,
" The Mosstrooper's Retreat," and it happened that at this very Time the Police received Information of some Sort or
other. Consequence was —

" Arrest of another Desperate Fenian Centre, armed to the Teeth, in the Neighbourhood of Tottenham Court Road ! ! !"

GOODY TWO-SHOES TO THE GOSSIPS.

ON THE NEW-BORN BABE.

Well, it has seen the light at last, so now then welcome, little

stranger.
The mother through a trial's past, and not by no means out of clanger ;
Though she, by what accounts they give, 's as well as is to be expected.
But is it likely for to live ?— that's where my question is directed.

What sort of features it has got, wants more attention to decide it.
Will it go into a quart-pot, and that be room enough to hide it ?
Excep the big one fust of all, poor mites and mossels was them t'others,
As never grow'd. Is this as small and piney-whiney as its brothers?

I know'd what they was, and I said to Mrs. Jones, "Ah! Mrs.

Jones, Mum,"
Says I, " No sitchlike shrimps and shreds as they won't never make

old bones, Mum ; "
And, Mrs. Jones, I '11 undertake she 's ekal to the sitchuation—
Says, " Mum, I never beer 'd you make a truer spoken hobserwation."

The Doctor talks so round-about, and also lookin' so mysterus,
That what he says one can't make out, he seems as if he didn't hearus|;
If he would tell us all he thought we then should be in a condition : '
But if a weasel 's to be caught asleep, so is that there Physician !

Well, there, we soon shall know the wust, and what 's the hopes for

little ducky.
But much depends on how they 're nussed ; who knows but this one

may be lucky ?
Things takes so long in that there House, 'tis talk, talk, talk, and

dawdle, dawdle.
Ah, drat 'em ! Will it live or no P Well, 'spose we drinks its 'elth

in caudle !

COURT NEWS OF THE FUTURE.

Louis Napoleon and his Court listened a few weeks ago with
delight to the somewhat broad songs of Mdlle. Theresa, a comic
singer at the Parisian Cafes Chantants. Englishmen would be rather
astonished if H.R.H. should follow this Imperial example. Shall
we read in the Court Circular, after the list of the diners, who were
honoured, &c, &c, that " The Great Stead " was present by com-
mand, and sang his inimitable Cure. Their Royal Highnesses appeared
debghted with his performance, and applauded the talented artiste
to the echo. A similar honour was paid to Miss Leary Smiler,
known at the Islington Harmonic Hall as " The Merriest Girl that's
out" who sang the ever popular "Slap bang, here we are again"
calling upon the august assembly to join in the chorus ; of which in-
vitation H.R.H. was graciously pleased to intimate his acceptance.
The message was conveyed to the fair cantatrice by an Equerry in
Waiting, and at a given signal the whole party broke into a fairly
harmonised refrain. The effect was most striking. Our reporter,
who was handing the ices, was affected to tears.

The following songs were encored: — "The dark girl dressed in
mauve" " Oh, she is such a nice young gal" and " The Costermonger's
Daughter, or Don't tickle me, Jeremy Tweezer." The Queen's Private
Band was in attendance, with some old melodies of Mozart and
Rossini, &c, but was not called upon to perform.

Hard Upon XTs.

"A work has just appeared by Madame Audouard, Guerre aux Jtommes, the
object of which is to prove that men are not so intelligent aa women."

Rather needless isn't this P Does not woman's position prove it. Is
not man her slave P The rider in JJIsop's fable might as well have
written " Guerre aux Chevaux," to show that the horse is not so
intelligent as the man who has mastered him. Are you not a little
ungenerous, Madame Audouard P

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI— March 17, 1866.

THE GOSSIPS.

Choetts of Gossips. " DO YOU THINK IT WILL LIVE P "

Maboh 17, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

115

EVENINGS FROM HOME.

Mr. Goodchild, whom you may recollect as giving those charmingly
instructive juvenile parties years and years ago, went with us the other
evening to hear Mr. Phelps in Richelieu at Drury Lane. Having
wrapped ourselves up very carefully, on account of the draught in the
stalls, we regretted to one another that we were unable to obtain rail-
way rugs and hot-water bottles from the attendants, who might make
small fortunes by accepting remuneration for the loan of these articles.
We hope to see a notice to the effect that " opera-glasses, hot-water
bottles, programmes, and railway rugs can be obtained on application to
the box-keeper."

We thought everyone knew all about Richelieu. If Mr. Goodchild
is correct in his report, we were wrong. He depones to the following
dialogue :—

Scene— Stalls in Drury Lane Theatre. Time— after Seven.

Newly-married Wife {to newly-married Husband, who, she supposes,
knows everything). John, who wrote this Richelieu t

Newly-married Husband {rather startled by this sudden search after
knowledge). Who wrote Richelieu ? {Feels that if he hasn't an answer

ready, his authority is in danger.) Who {Wife is about to repeat

the question, when her Husband takes advantage of a movement on the stage
to check her inquiries by saying, in a whisper) Ssssssh! I'll tell you
presently.

[Young Wife's attention is hereby directed to the stage, and Newly-
married Gentleman obtains a respite.
Young Lady {of High Church tendencies, to her sister). He was a
Cardinal {alluding to Mr. Phelps). I wish the Bishop op Oxford
was dressed like that. Wouldn't it be grand ?

Sister {argumentative young lady). But Bichelieu wasn't a bishop.
■First Young Lady. Oh yes, he was. {To Uncle George, who in
another two minutes would have been asleep). Wasn't he, Uncle P
Uncle George. Eh, my dear P What ? Eh ?
{Inclines his ear to his niece, trying to keep his eyes fixed on the stage
at the same time, in case she may ask him about ivhat 's going on.
First Young Lady. Bichelieu was a bishop, wasn't he ?
Uncle George {who up to this moment has not considered the subject).

Oh, yes, he was a at least he wasn't exactly what we call a bishop —

he was a {pulls himself together with a strong effort, and calls to mind a
history of England, with pictures, that he used to read when a boy)— a
Prime Minister.

First Young Lady {surprised, but glad to exhibit her knowledge of these
subjects). Oh, like Lobd John Bussell ?

Uncle George {finds that he "really has quite forgotten his history").

No— no — no — {taking refuge under the show of promoting instruction,

with good-humoured severity). You ought to read it. You ought to

read it.

First Young Lady. What, uncle ?

Uncle George {who would like to answer "books" generally, replies

hurriedly). The history of

[Shakes his head at the two girls, as much as to say, " You 're inter-
rupting the performance ; " frowns at the stage, smiles, and
says " Ssssssh ! " The nieces determine to have it out after-
wards.
Critical Young Gentleman {"reading law" in the Temple). I enjoy
seeing Shakspeare.

Charles, his friend {a drawing-room amateur). Yes; but this isn't
Shakspeare.

Critical Young Gentleman {apparently amused at his own ignorance).
That 's funny. I always thought it was Shakspeare's.

[Refers to his bill, and finds that he 's been looking at a prospective
advertisement of " Shy lock."
Charles, his friend {who has no bill to refer to). Did you ? {Thinks it,
on the whole, as well to change the subject.) Have you seen the panto-
mime here ?

Critical Young Gentleman. No. But that's very odd about Shak-
speare. I wonder how I got that into my head. Of course, it 's by —

by

[Thinks of Sheridan Knowles, but his friend gives him no assist-
ance.
Man in the Pit, close behind. Sssssh !
[Charles, his friend, blesses Man in Pit. Critical Young Gentle-
man looks round defiantly at Man in the Pit ; Man in the Pit
cracks a nut, and the piece proceeds.
Theatrical person with an order, and a stout lady {in Dress Circle).
Phelps is very good in this.

Stout Lady. He looks exactly like— Lor5, what 's his name P — Pel-
demonio^—

Theatrical Person. Oh, Fechter, not a bit

Stout Lady {annoyed). Not Eechter — Lor' no. The old Cardinal
in that. He 's the same, isn't he ?

Theatrical Person. No {puzzled)— yes— at least it 's the same time.
But his name was— dear me— {thinks)

Stout Lady. Fiftus something— Fiftus the Sixth.

Theatrical Person {right at last). No, no, you mean Sixths the
Pifth. {Loudly, for the information of the audience). Yes, Sixty -Six.
I mean Sixtus the Sixth — no, Fifth— same time as Bichelieu.

Audience {to Theatrical Person). Ssssssssh !

[Theatrical Person pities them, and holds his tongue.

[At the end of Act I., the Newly-married Gentleman has discovered,
from his bill, that Bichelieu lived in the time of Louis the Thir-
teenth. This, in a weak moment, he communicates to his wife.]

Newly-married Young Lady. Oh, yes, dear, I see. But I always con-
fused him with Mazarin. {Newly-married Gentleman smiles feebly,
and wishes he hadn't spoken.) Was Mazarin after or before Biche-
lieu ?

Newly-married Young Gentleman. Oh ! he was— er — {looks at nothing
through his opera-glasses)— -he was — {stands up in the Stalls to give him-
self time)— oh {boldly)— he was after — yes, after Bichelieu. {Uses
opera-glasses vaguely.)

First Swell {who has come in during the first Act, to his friend). Doosid
handsome dressing-gown the old boy {meaning Mr. Phelps) had on.
Eh?

Second Swell. Yaas; turned up with fur. Think I shall have one
made like it.

First Swell {languidly). What 's the story of this thing, eh ?

Second Swell {not to be outdone). Oh, I don't know. Can't say much
for the gals in it, eh ? [Looks about.

Elderly Gentleman from the Country {in the Pit, with a last week's_ bill
of the " Merchant of Venice," bought outside the Theatre). Capital !
First-rate ! {At supper he tells his friends how delighted he's been with
Mr. Phelps as Shy lock.)

My friend Mr. Goodchild had, up to this time, been rejoicing in
the returning taste for the legitimate, he now thinks " the public want
instruction, Sir." We also visited She Stoops to Conquer. I will tell you
what we heard there another time. Miss Herbert does well to revive
old comedies : but it was a pity to stop the School for Scandal. Miss
Heebert's Lady Teazle is the nearest thing to perfection in the way
of acting ; but Miss Hardcastle is not in her line. Seriously, I am
sure that Miss Herbert could play Lady Macbeth ; but then comes the
cast. As the Manageress, however, has surmounted all sorts of diffi-
culties in placing Goldsmith and Sheridan on the stage, irrespective
of her materials, why not proceed in the same way with the immortal
William. Allow me to suggest a cast for Macbeth at the St. James's,
supposing that Miss Heebert plays the Thane's wife.

To ensure every character being well filled, each actor should consent
to " double," i.e., take two parts, instead of leaving the second best to
inferior artists. In this way Macbethj owould be invested with a new
interest, as a species of Shakspearian entertainment.

MACBETH.
{With probable Cast at the St. James's.)
Duncan, and First Witch .... Mr. Eobson.

Malcolm, Second Witch, and Ghost of > -^R Clayton.
Banquo . . . . . . )

Donalbain, and Third Witch . . . Mr. Charles.

Macbeth Mr. Frank Matthews.

Banquo, 1st Murderer, and an Apparition Mr. Sanger.
Physician, Macduff and the Armed ] Mr Walter Lacy.

Head in the Cauldron . " . . j

Gentlewoman, Hecate, Lady Macduff .

[rs. Frank Matthews.

I venture to say that this would draw all London.

fAIBING A JEWEL.

The Oswestry Advertiser is a very excellent paper, and in a general
way we are above grudging a piece of good luck to a respectable and
talented contemporary. But we think it a little hard that such a gem
as the following should be sent for circulation in the kingdom of the
late King Oswald, instead of being forwarded to us. Especially as
the editor of the Shropshire paper evidently does not appreciate the
exquisite beauty of the lyric, and inserts it with a bit of good-natured
sarcasm. We, on the contrary, transfer it to our columns, (for which
it evidently was intended) with an unhesitating expression of admira-
tion. We venture, as it is unchristened, to call it, after Burns,

LAMENT OF THE OWNER OF STOTS AT THE APPROACH OF SPRING.

" Spring, tarry awhile, or thy flowers will be
Blighted and crossed, then they '11 shiver and die ;
The times (not the grounds) are too hard, you will see,
Flowers should not bloom when farmers could cry.

" But if thou wilt come now, oh, bring better days,
Flowers are no balm for the farmer's pains ;
Can buttercups and daisies meet all his pays ?
When he 's nothing to graze, is grass any gains "

116

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Maech 17, 1866.

THE POPE'S OWN BRIGADE.

According to a correspondent of the DSbats the Pope's
old soldiers are greatly disgusted with his Holiness's new-
army, consisting of recruits from Prance, Belgium, Holland,
and Switzerland, of the class, loafer, whose appearance,
language, and manners "indicate that they belong to the
very lowest classes of society ": —

"They are disliked not only by the people but by the military
themselves ; and there has already arisen in the Papal barracks more
than one quarrel between the old soldiers and their new comrades.
The Zouaves especially are humiliated by the strange companions
imposed upon them ; for this aristocratic corps, composed originally
of the flower of the Franco-Belgian gentry, is animated by really
chivalrous sentiments."

^.The army of the Pope is otherwise called the Pontifical
legion. His new army, perhaps, will be well so called. It
seems to consist of soldiers of whom you may say that their
name is legion. The Pope's Own may be regarded as a
denomination convertible with a synonym for the Inns of
Court Volunteers. They may also be considered to bear a
strong resemblance to Falstaff's ragged regiment. Pio
Nono surely would be ashamed to march through Coventry
with them, if Coventry lay in his way. No wonder that
any decent soldiers are disgusted with such comrades.
Quartered with a rabblement of tag-rag-and-bobtail, the
chivalrous and enthusiastic Papal Zouaves, as many of
them as have read, and are versed in Shakspeare, are now
prepared to answer the conundrum, that might be pro-
posed to them, "Why is Popery like misery?" Their
reply, of course, would be, "Because it acquaints men
with strange bedfellows."

IM-PERTINENT.

Stout Gent (naturally suspicious of the Street Boy). " Ge' out o' my Way you
Young Rascal I " '

StieetBoy. "Vichvay round, Gov'nour?"

A Bad Note from the Crystal Palace.

Mr. Sullivan's new symphony played last Saturday at
the Crystal Palace was, we are informed, " inspired by a
study of Ossian." This has misled many people, who think
that its general idea must necessarily be equestrian, because
suggested by the poems of an 'Ossy 'un.

GEOGRAPHICAL.

Examiner (to Scotch boy in Free School). Where is the
village of Drum ?
Scotch Boy (readily). In the County of Pife.

[Prize given.

CUEIOSITIES FROM THE CLOUDS.

In a letter to the Times Mr. G. J. Symonds, the other day, described
a meteorological phenomenon, that has usually occurred in March of
late years, consisting in the fall of "water in a semi-solid state far
denserthan snow, and yet not hail nor ice," formed in masses, which he
calls natural snowballs." On this curious phenomenon, Mr Sy-
monds remarks, " It may prove illusory at last ; but when a phenome-
non occurs on the same day, seven years out of ten, I think it wants
watching. Certainly.

Shall we say, Sir, that these natural snowballs are lusus natural ?
Why, yes— if nature is accustomed to play at snowballing. But there
are facts which warrant us in assigning these snowballs, by Mr.
Symonds, termed natural, to an origin which he and other scientific
meteorologists have no idea of.

There is no reason to doubt that some, if not most, of the many
accounts recorded of showers of frogs and fishes, and red rain, said to
consist of small fungi, are true. Let those who will account for these
wonders by the supposition of water-spouts. Will water-spouts serve
to account for aerolites P

Only the other day, Sir, a number of these last-named things, about
which all we know is that they tumble out of the sky, was exhibited on
the occasion of a conversazione at the house of a distinguished savant.
lhey consisted of metallic and other matters, cemented together by a
peaty substance miscible with water; so that, if they had remained on
the spot, near Montauban in France, where they were found, they would
very soon have been washed clean away. Consequently they were of a
comparatively soft consistence. Therefore, if they had tumbled from
the moon, or the interplanetary spaces, as aerolites are supposed to do,
they would have been dashed all to atoms. But their size was con-
siderable, and they were warm when they were picked up. Yet their
warmth could not have been caused by the velocity of their fall through
the atmosphere from a height of many thousands of miles, because then,
it they had not been utterly smashed, they would have buried them-
selves in the earth. Where, then, did they come from P

Not very far, Sir, depend upon it, from over our heads. Not so far
as to be out of the reach of a tolerably bold climbing boy. The place
whence they came will be found out some day. Meteorologists, after
all, will, as they have been warned before, have to go back to that
ladder of ascent to the higher regions which was once afforded to an
adventurous youth by a wonderful bean stalk. There they will find
where dwelt the little fishes, and frogs, and fungi that occasionally
descend to the nether earth in showers. There they will see the clods
of baked earth pitched over to be taken for meteoric stones. And
there they will discover the true source of the snowballs imagined by
Mr. Symonds to be natural. Your men of science, Sir, will learn, to
their confusion, that those objects are moulded by fairy hands. They
will behold the little elves at play, snowballing, on certain holidays in
March, when some of the missiles with which they pelt one another,
falling out of bounds, come down hither in the shape of those masses
of snow described as above by Mr. G. J. Symonds, but properly called
not natural, but supernatural, snowballs. Need I say that I am in
sober earnest A Spiritualist.

Harebrain Villa, March, 1866.

*»* Our correspondent's is an extreme case. He will find a strait-
waistcoat, which may be needful, left for him at the Office.

How to Get Bid of a Difficulty.

Ireland is a difficulty. The Island of Heligoland is being, we are
informed, slowly eaten up by the Governor's rabbits. Ireland is an
Island: cant the Lord Lieutenant keep rabbits ? Aha ! Have I touched
you nearly P

ECCLESIASTICAL.

To Correspondents.— -No, there is no Saint in the Calendar called
St. Pancakes.

What Matins ought to be used in Chapels ? asks Hichurchicus An-
glicanus. The use of London is Cocoa-fibre mattins !

March 17, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

117

TWO MAY BE COMPANY, THREE ARE NONE.

EMILY AND FRED HAVE ARRANGED TO TAKE CARE OP EACH OTHER, PART OF THE WAY.
Polite Guard cuts in {supposing E. unprotected). " There 's a Lady in the next Carriage, Miss." [E. doesn't seem to see it.

ANOTHER DROP EOR THE DRAMA.

With exquisite good taste a highly enterprising Manager engaged
" a few of the survivors " who were rescued from the London, and has
been paying them to appear every evening at his theatre, as a prelude
to the gambols of Pantaloon and Clown. With a similar high notion of
the duties of men catering to entertain the public, another enterprising
Manager has hired " kind old Daddy," late of Lambeth Work-
house, to exhibit himself nightly in a new sensation drama, called The
Casual Ward. " Sweet are the uses of adversity," when it is utilised
in this way for dramatic exhibition ; and flourishing indeed is the con-
dition of the drama, when such magnets are deemed requisite to make
a play attractive, and to draw a decent house.

In putting plays upon the stage, some of our Managers of late have
greatly studied the realities, introducing real gas-lamps to illumine a
street scene, and cascades of real water in lieu of simple paint. This mania
for realities appears to be extending, and real persons are exhibited as
well as real things. A murderer's " real gig " was once announced as
an attraction, and perhaps we soon may see a real murderer on the
stage, and be told he has been respited in order to appear there for a
few more extra nights. Or haply a sensation play may be produced,
with a real gang of housebreakers engaged expressly to perform in it,
and a real safe provided to be broken open nightly by " the Alderman"
and other lawful implements in vogue.

If the horrors of the casual ward be thought a fitting subject for dra-
matic exhibition, perhaps we soon may see a drama called The Union
Infirmary, with a score of real paupers all lying really ill. Or a sensa-
tion scene of surgery perhaps might prove attractive, and a real leg or
arm be amputated , nightly, before a crowded house. The exquisite
good taste which led a Manager to hire some rescued sailors for his
stage, and turn the terrors of a shipwreck to theatrical account, perhaps
may set the. fashion for founding a new drama [on any terrible disaster
that the newspapers record. Playgoers will thus become familiarised
with horrors, which they read of with dismay ;• and to some minds a

calamity may fail to cause regret, on the ground of its affording a good
subject for the stage. No doubt but the Cattle Plague may somehow
soon be turned to some theatrical account. To please the Cockney
playgoer, real cows might be exhibited, and real cow-doctors employed
to wrangle and dispute. The audience in this way might be readily
prepared for a strong sensation scene, wherein a real pole-axe might
make a real hit. The band might then strike up the tune the old cow
died of (whatever that may be) ; and, as a touching climax, a " few of
the survivors " might slowly stalk across the stage.

LAW AND POLICE.

A Cabman being haled before the sitting Magistrate for assaulting a
passenger, defended himself by saying that he always pursued this
course on principle. In reply to a question from the Bench, as to what
principle was involved, he said, " None but the brave deserve the fare."
The Magistrate said he was fond of boxing himself. The Plaintiff was
consequently fined five shillings, and the Cabman left the Court with
his friends.

At the Old Bailey, Snooks, the Editor of the Skating Mercury, was
indicted for libelling Jones, an actor. Snooks pleaded guilty, and
apologised. The learned Judge said, that.lafter all, this was only a
metaphysical question. Snooks had undoubtedly libelled Jones most
grossly, and most indefensibly. But he (the learned Judge) was fond
of skating himself, and therefore, as imprisonment would deprive a very
admirable skater of a great deal of amusement if the frost lasted, he
would sentence him to be fined.

The Prisoner hoped that his Lordship wouldn't make the fine too
heavy.

The Learned Judge. Oh, no ! You 've only libelled an actor, and, as I
am very fond of skating, we'll say £10, ehP Come, £10 won't hurt
you.

The Prisoner thought that perhaps that sum wouldn't hurt him very
much. The case was then concluded amicably.

118

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 17, 1866.

THE SPHINX.

I think Stodabe's trick of the Sphinx, ie.,

I thinks
The Sphinx,
Who winks
And blinks

in. his box, one of the best tricks (I wish it was (rinks for the sake of
the rhyme) I 've seen for many a day. I'm all the more ready to appre-
ciate it, because I 've found out howLit Xdone, or rather, I did find out
bow it was done, only to discover more clearly how I had been done
afterwards. Some people say it,'s done

by reflectors. Oho! says I. «- Some that j — — —

it's the drapery. Oho! says I, again.
Some that it's animal magnetism. Is
it ? says I ; but I won't tell, no, not a
word. Howbeit, 1 discovered the trick
— that is, I discovered how /could do it,
and all I have to say is, that if Colonel
Stodare's illusion is not managed better
than I took it to be, he is, of all his
audience, the most deceived. Sir, I de-
termined, having made my discovery, that
I would achieve a fortune. I wanted only
a table, a box, curtains, a man, some one
to play the piano, and the thing was done.
I would go into the country and antici-
pate the Colonel's provincial tour. On
my head, or rather on my Sphinx, be it',!
So, Sir, having collected sufficient funds
to defray my preliminary expenses, I
made my first. appearance on any boards,
not a hundred miles from town, as the
proprietor of a new Egyptian Sphinx.
I do not mind giving an idea of my
plan. It was simple ; all great ideas are.
There was a box with a hole in it : into
this_ hole, the man, made up like a
Sphinx, had to thrust his head : he was
concealed from sight by drapery, art-
fully arranged behind the table. I taught
my man a speech about the oracles of
Egypt, and on the eventful day begged
him to dine as early as possible, so as to
have his head quite cool for the evening's
performance. He seemed a good honest
sort of fellow (confound him!), and in-
formed me that he was a distinguished
member of a Temperance Society. He
added that he generally drank water,
which I subsequently ascertained to be
a qualified truth. Upon his earnest re-
presentation that five shillings would
make him a respectable man in the
matter of boots and a shirt in his uncle's
keeping, I gave him that sum ou the
morning of the day.

Eight o'clock came, and there was a
tremendous house to see the Sphinx.
For the most part, it did not represent
money, but influence ; and I was satis-
fied.

The dresser, who was to paint my
Sphinx, had arrived ; but the Sphinx-
man himself had not yet appeared. This
did not cause me very much anxiety,
because, besides my implicit trust in his
respectability and punctuality, I knew
that he had undertaken to see after the
lights and various little matters in front,
while I was going through part the first, consisting of simple conjuring.

Part one was soon finished. The inexhaustible bat had come suddenly
to an end, the magic plant refused to grow, and I had twice turned a
laugh against myself, by failing to discover a card which I thought I
had forced somebody to draw. I had also broken somebody's watch
(value, he said, twenty guineas), in endeavouring to do the trick of
finding the repeater in the loaf of ordinary household bread. With
these trifling exceptions (1 also lost a lady's diamond ring, and couldn't
get the infernal cannon ball into the hat), everything had gone off very
fairly. Sir, ten minutes were allowed for refreshment, and I retired :
retired, Sir, to find my honest fellow, my Temperance villain, offering
to fight the dresser, and refusing to put his confounded head into the
box under eighteenpence more than his original terms. I saw that he
was under the influence of liquor, and agreed to his exorbitant
demands, with a firm determination of sending him about his business

on the morrow. He was pacified, and in three minutes more I was on
the stage, prefacing the Great Sphinx trick of the evening,

I exhibited the box, showing that there was no deception. Judge, Sir,
my horror when, on returning to place it on the table, I heard a voice
—my man's— saying, hoarsely, in a bullying tone, through the drapery,
" Two shillings more, guv'nor." I whispered— whispered ! ha, ha ! I
hissed— "Yes," adding "be quiet, bless you," through my clenched
teeth. I trembled. I hesitated. The audience applauded. " Come,
desperation," said I to myself, " lend thy furious hold," and I opened
the box. There was my Sphinx. Perfect. Admirable. Great
applause. I began to explain him ; he had been quiet for a few

seconds only, confused by the glare
and the audience: but no sooner
did I begin to speak, than he objected
to stop in that position any longer, and
asserted that somebody behind was
tickling his legs. I tried to laugh it off;
but, with several horrible oaths, he an-
nounced his resolution (in strong Irish)
of not stopping there any more under
five shillings down. " Sure," cried some
ruffianly accomplice in the back seats,
" 'tis Tim Eogharty, divil a less." " Ye
lie, yer thief," says my Sphinx, and out
he came with the box on his head, daring
any one to tread on the tail of his coat.
The ladies, screamed, the gentlemen
struggled, I called for the police, they
came and removed the Sphinx and me.
The discovery of Colonel Stodaee's
trick has cost me nearly one hundred
pounds. And, Sir, I found out that that
unprincipled villain of a dresser had had
a quarrel with my Temperance man over
their cups, and did tickle the Sphinx's legs
with his camel's hair brush.

PUNCH'S CALIGEAPHIC MYSTEEY.

LADIES' PIGTAILS IN A LUMP.

Mr. Punch,

Masters of Workhouses, Prison
Turnkeys, and Warders of Lunatic
Asylums, must be deriving some income
now from the County Crop and Union
Crop reaped from the heads of female
convicts and paupers, and the locks shorn
from those of lunatics of the softer sex.
All that hair is doubtless the perquisite
of those persons, and fetches a high price,
being wanted for the manufacture of
chignons.

I dare say, Sir, many of your fair and
youthful readers will laugh heartily when
they imagine the sources whence their
chignons have been derived.

A chignon, however, is not necessarily
a laughing matter. Goddesses and
heroines are represented by ancient
sculptors as wearing chignons. But the
chignon of the antique is a natural
chignon. It is not at all funny. It is
an excess of hair arranged in a graceful
form. The modern chignon, even if
natural, is an excess of hair arranged in
a grotesque form. The ancient and
natural chignon was a device for dis-
posing of a superfluity with elegance.
The modern and artificial chignon is the ludicrous imitation of a
superfluity, justifiable by no rule of taste, except by the necessity of
concealing a large wen, or other excrescence.

The mind that dictates female fashions must be extremely unintel-
ligent and utterly devoid of all idea of principle in art. Little better
can be said of the creatures that accept and acquiesce in all those
fashions without regard to their absurdity. Amongst young ladies they,
however, constitute, of course, a very small minority. By far the
greater number go about groaning under the tyranny of fashion, and
disgusted with the ridiculous things which its incomprehensible despo-
tism compels them to wear. Their sighs blend with those of their
sorrowing censor,

Cbabwood Sowebby.

Fnrzebloom Cottage, March, 1866. ?-

March 24, 1866.]

PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

119

DINING OUT IN A HUNTING NEIGHBOURHOOD.

First Foxhunter. "That was a fine 40 Minutes Yesterday ?"
Second Ditto. " Yes ; didn't seem so long, either ! "

[Curate is puzz'ed, and wonders — do they allude to his lecture in the School-room?

ENTOMOLOGICAL JOURNALISM.

Success to the new publication named in the
ensuiDg paragraph extracted from a contem-
porary : —

" Soburban Literature. — Last week there appeared
an addition to our weekly literature, the suburban village
of Hornsey having put forth a periodical which is to
remedy all local abuses and supply all local wants. The
name chosen is the Horntey Hornet, and the profits are
to be devoted to the relief of the village newsman,
named Knight, who lost his sight while working as a
compositor."

The appearance of the Hormey Hornet will
doubtless be the signal for the outcoming of other
kindred and alliterative insects in the neighbour-
hood of London. We may expect soon to see a
Hampstead Humble Bee, and a Wimbledon Wasp.
All these, of course, will be satirical papers, and
regular stingers, to which, perhaps, the Woolwich
Working Bee will be added, to be followed, pos-
sibly, by the Dulwich Drone. From the Bees
suburban journalism will next perhaps go for
nomenclature to some of the other Lepidoptera,
and start a Brixton Blowfly, in the interest of
the butchers, to keep up the price of meat. Then
the Coleoptera may come in for their turn under
the title of a Kensington Cockchafer or Barnes
Beetle. The Articulata perchance will also be
represented by a Sydenham Spider, a Surbiton
Scorpion, and a Clapham Cricket. To pursue this
train of thought much farther would be to
descend to a depth of insect life of a degree too
low to be suitable to the refinement of any
reader except an enthusiastic entomologist. The
condition requisite for the success of any new
journal is that it shall supply some want. The
Hormey Hornet is calculated to do this. We
trust that the issue of the Hornsey Hornet will
raise a hornet's nest of subscribers around the
head of Mr. Knight, the newsman, who lost
his sight in fighting life's battle in the ranks of the
Press.

THE COMING BOAT RACE.

Attend, all ye who wish to see the names of each stout crew ,
Who've come to town, from cap and gown, to fight for their fav'rite
blue.

OXFORD.

First Tottenham comes, a well-known name, that cattle-driving Cox' en,

Who oft to victory has steer'd his gallant team of Oxon.

O'er Putney's course so well can he that team in safety goad,

That we ought to call old Father Thames the Oxford-Tottenham Road.

Then comes the stroke, a mariner of merit and renown ;

Since dark blue are his colours, he can never be dun-brown.

Ye who would at your leisure his heroic deeds peruse,

Go, read Tom Brown at Oxford by his namesake, Thomas Hughes.

Next Senhouse, short for Senate-house, but long enough for seven,

Shall to the eight-oar' d ship impart a sen-at-orial leaven.

Then Number Six (no truer word was ever said in joke)

Tn keeping with his name of Wood, has heart and limbs of oak.

The voice of all aquatic men the praise of " Five " proclaims ;

No finer sight, can eye delight, than " HENLEY-upon-Thames."

Then Number Four, no better oar, is sure to turn out game ;

His heart's true blue, and "pulls it through," though Willan'* is his

name.
Then Freeman rows at Number Three, in a free and manly style ;
No finer oar was e'er produced by the Tiber, Thames, or Nile.
Let politicians, if they please, rob freemen of their vote,
Provided they leave Oxford men a Freeman for their boat.
Among the crowd of oarsmen proud, no name will fame shout louder
Than bis who sits at Number Two, the straight and upright Crowder.
Then Raikes rows bow, and we must allow that with all the weight

that 's aft,
The bow-oar gives a rakish air to the bows o' the dark blue craft.
This is the crew, who 've donned dark blue, and no stouter team of Oxon,
Has ploughed the waves of Old Father Thames, or owned a better Cox'en.

CAMBRIDGE.

Now, don't refuse, Aquatic Muse, the glories to rehearse
Of the rival crew, who 've donned light blue, to row for better for worse.
They 've lost their luck, but retain their pluck, and whate'er their fate
may be,

* Cf. Pichuiek. " Here I am, but I hain't a willan."— Fat Boy.

Light blue may meet one more defeat, but disgrace they ne'er will see.
We've seen them row, thro' sleet and snow, till they sank — " merses

profundo "
(Horace forgive me !) "pulchrior Cami evenit arundo."
First little Forbes, our praise absorbs, he comes from a learned College,
So Cambridge hopes, he will pull his ropes, with scientific knowledge.
May he shun the charge, of swinging barge, more straight than an

archer's arrow,
May he steer his eight, as he sits sedate, in the stern of his vessel narrow !
Then comes the stroke, with a heart of oak, who has stood to his flag

like twenty,
While some stood aloof, and were not proof against " dolcefar niente."
So let us pray that Griffiths may to the banks of Cam recall,
The swing and style, lost for a while, since the days of Jones and Hall.
Then Watney comes, and a pluckier seven ne'er rowed in a Cambridge

crew;
His long straight swing, is just the thing, which an oarsman loves to

view.
Then comes Kin glare, of a massive make, who in spite of failures past,
Like a sailor true, has nailed light-blue, as his colours to the mast.
The Consul bold, in days of old, was thanked by the Patres hoary,
When, in spite of luck, he displayed his pluck on the field of Cannse gory;
So whate'er the fate of the Cambridge eight, let Cambridge men agree,
Their voice to raise, in their Captain's praise, with thrice and three

times three.
The Number Five is all alive, and for hard work always ready,
As to and fro his broad back doth go, like a pendulum strong and steady.
Then Fortescue doth " pull it through " without delay or dawdlin' ;
Right proud I trow as they see him row are the merry men of Magdalen.
Then comes a name well known to fame, the great and gallant Burke;
Who ne'er was known fatigue to own, or to neglect his work.
New zeal and life to each new stroke stout Selwyn doth impart.
And ever with fresh vigour, like Antaeus, forward start.
Then, last of all in danger's hour, to row the boat along,
They 've got a bow whom all allow to be both Still and strong.
No crew can quail, or ever fail, to labour with a will,
When so much strength and spirits are supplied them by their Still.

We 've done our task— to you who ask the probable result,
We more will speak, if you next week our Prophet will consult.

Punch's Prophet.

vol. l.

120

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[March 24, 1866.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

ylatjder states that
indigence made Lim
undergo several dis-
comforts. Had Mr.
Punch lived in the
times of the learned
Augsburger, the
former would have
had pleasure in as-
sisting the latter, but
you see Xylan der
was born on the 26th
of December, 1532,
whereas Mr. Punch
is writing of the
12th of March, 1865
{Monday), when at
a quarter to five
o'clock, Mr. Glad-
stone, Chancellor of
the Exchequer, rose
to introduce tf)C
3&cf0rnt 3Bttl.

And what Earl
Russell's Govern-
ment offers in the
way of amendment
of the Representation (of England and Wales only) is this : —

The County Franchise to be reduced from £50 to £14.

The Borough Franchise to be reduced from £10 to £7.

A Fancy Franchise, giving a vote to any person who has had £50 in the Savings'
Bank for two years.

A vote to a Compound Householder whose holding is worth £10 a-year.

A vote to Lodgers who pay £10 a-year.

Abolition of the law that rates must be paid before voting.

Disfranchisement of the men in the Dockyards.

And these changes, and some smaller ones, with which Mr. Punch need not
trouble the Households, are expected to result in the adding 400,000 persons, chiefly
of the Working Class, to the present number of electors, which Mr. Gladstone
estimates at 900,000.

Thoroughly to understand what would be the operation of the proposals, Mater-
familias (who is more interested in the matter than she thinks, for does not Par-
liament impose the Taxes?) should know that the figures, which have been carefully
collected by the Government, show that at present the Working Class, which has
been raising itself, and which continues to raise itself, by honourable industry and
frugality to the franchise, has already rather more than a Quarter of the representa-
tion, the rest being divided among tradesmen, merchants, lawyers, clergymen, phy-
sicians, bankers, landowners, fundholders, and what are termed the Educated Classes
generally. The real question before the nation now is, whether it is desirable to
accelerate the process which admits the Working Man, and to lower the franchise
to him, instead of encouraging him to rise to it. The passing the proposed Bill
would raise the number of Working Men with votes to about 330,000.

There, Materfamilias, is the question, impartially stated, and you may make up
your own mind on the subject. Mr. Punch will now give you a brief account of the
Two Nights' Debates.

Mr. Gladstone is a great orator, and when on a subject that suits him there is
no man whose eloqueuce is more ornate or impressive. To-night his speech,
which occupied nearly two hours and a half, was anything but an oration. It was
not that the elaborate details into which he had to enter were too small and pro-
saic for effect. In his Budget speeches, he deals with much smalhr things, and
lights them up with flashes of wit, or with fortunate allusions. Mr. Punch sat very
close to the Chancellor oe the Exchequer (he proves it by saying that Mr. G.'s
first bang on the table was at the word "'mis-spent" — now-''), marked his brother
statesman with respectful attention, and came away with the conviction that Mr.
G. had not put his heart into his work. He began in a grave and elevated tone,
yet the House was not impressed, but broke into an instant laugh when he made a
slip, which amouuted to a bull, and spoke of a certain occasion in which "every
other speaker approved, or was silent." " Are you bringing in the Irish Reform
Bill first?" whispered Mr. Punch. " Every other usual speaker," said Mr. Glad-
stone. It was a Straw, which showed that the House was in a humour to Chaff.

Mr. Gladstone laboured for a long time to show that it was absolutely necessary
to introduce the Bill, because so many Reform Bills had been promised and at-
tempted. He then excused the Government for not having tried to introduce a
grand general measure for settling the whole question, urging that such a measure
would demand a very long series of debates, while very few nights were at the com-
mand of the Ministry. Of course he counted the nights very accurately, but such a
reason seemed small and unworthy, when the magnitude of the subject was con-
sidered. But he sought to throw a qualified sop to Cerberus by hinting that if, in
another Session, the other features of the question should be considered, the present
Parliament was quite qualified to discuss them. The suggestion was adroit, but
perhaps too adroit — at auy rate, it excited no grateful response.
Then he plunged into the details with admirable lucidity, though without auy

animation. Mr. Punch has often made honourable mention
of his friend's love for Three Courses.but on this occasion he
out-tripled Triplet, and calmly proposed to the Swells to do
a rule-of-three sum, having for its two first terms the gross
number of something, and for its third term the gross
number of something, promising them as the fourth term a
certain discovery. Ho w they laughed, in frank admission of
total helplessness ! But nobody could misunderstand his
statement, or his proposals, which Mr. Punch has already
given. So, on went the speech, never flat, but never rising,
or sparkling, and never adorned even by a quotation, until
Mr. Gladstone had recapitulated. Then he re-assumed the
oratorical tone, and wound up with an allusion to the Horse
of Troy, and with an eloquent appeal to the House not
to regard the addition of the Working Classes to the
constituency as that monstrum infelix, — not to say —

" Scandit fatalis machrna muros
Foeta armis, mediseque minans illat>itur urbi ; "

but to welcome those classes as recruits, and thus to beget
in them a new attachment to the Constitution, the Throne,
and the Laws.

The Ministerial cheers had scarcely subsided, when

Mr. Marsh rose. He is member for Salisbury, is a
Liberal, and has been an Australian legislator. He opposed
the Bill, as leading to democracy, and he dwelt upon the
corruption of democrats.

Sir James Fergusson (who was wounded at Tnkermann)
protested against disturbing a balance between town and
country, a balance which Lord Palmerston had so sedu-
lously sought to preserve.

Mr. Martin (of Rochester, there are two Martins, and
it would prevent mistake if one would call himself Swallow)
objected to disfranchise the Dockmen. Newport is near a
Dockyard.

Sir F. Crossley spoke kindly, and supported the Bill
as being as much as the country cared for at present. He
thought that honesty _was what was wanted in dealing with
the measure.

Mr. Craweord, a Member for London, approved the
middle course taken by Government.

Mr. Serjeant Gaselee (the Excitable Friend of Peto)
protested against the Dockmen's disfranchisement. He
sits for Portsmouth, where is a Dockyard.

Mr. Dotton joined in the protest. He sits for Ciren-
cester, the pronunciation of which name in the 19th century
the 21st may gather from the fact that there was a young
lady of Cirencester who went to consult a solicitor, and
when asked for a fee, she said fiddle-de-dee, I only came
here as a visitor.

Sir Henry Hoare approved the Bill, but would oppose
it unless a solemn pledge were given for a re-distribution
Bill next Session. We shall note his votes in April.

Lord Robert Montagu, an accomplished nobleman,
strongly objected to this piece of a Bill, and, though a
Conservative, boldly stated that the bribery question ought
to have been grappled with, for that every general election
cost upwards of £2,000,000, which sum for the most part
went in degrading the people with bribes. Yet Mr. Mill,
he well added, could be returned free of expense. Mr.
Punch was at dinner, or would have cheered Lord Robert.

Mr. Hanbury, of the great brewing firm, expressed his
respect for the Working Class.

Mr. Laing, of Wick (who was sent out to light the Indian
financiers), Liberal, said that Mr. Gladstone's able speech
led to an opposite conclusion to that of Mr. Gladstone,
and that the statistics showed that the working man had
already 26 per cent, of the representation, and was steadily
and rapidly obtaining more. He saw much dauger in the
measure. Moreover, it would lower the franchise to those
who had not taken pains to deserve it. Lord Palmerston
would never have approved this Bill. Here Mr. Punch
may interpolate the remark, that Lord Palmerston's name
seems likely to be used for many a day as Mr. Pitt's was,
and also in the spirit of the pure Sir Galahad, in the
immortal poem (vide another page) of Braunigurlndas —

" Moreover— what would Arthur say?"

Mr. Baines supported, and believed that there was exag-
geration in the calculation as to the working men. _

Captain Grosvenor's neat maiden speech was in favour
of the Bill.

After which there was a brilliant display of fireworks by
the celebrated artist —

Mr. Horsman, Liberal. He delivered a long speech full
of smartnesses, hitting all round his own side, specially at

March 24, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

121

Mr. Bright, who, he said, ruled over Earl Russell, and
was the presiding spirit of this movement. _ Read this
speecb, Materfamilias, if you want to enjoy artistic
sarcasm. Perhaps the hit most laughed at was the com-
paring Mr. Gladstone to the Amateur Casual. The Chan-
cellor of the ExcHEQUERhad plunged into a dark, muddy
pool, and had been soiled and shivering in questionable
company ever since. He finished with scoff at the small
but noisy party which had got up the Reform question.

The debate was adjourned, but not until Mr. Childers
had carried the Second Reading of a Bill which may be
much humbler, but which may not seem so in some thought-
ful men's eyes, a Bill enabling Government to lend money
for improving the dwellings of the Labouring Classes.

We don't care much about election petitions. Some-
times they are the result of rage, sometimes engines of ex-
tortion, sometimes undesirable proofs that pot is as black
as kettle. But a name came up as that of somebody who
would not proceed with some petition, and the petitioner's
name is Wellington Shegog. We must embalm such a
name, as the greatest curiosity of nomenclatural literature.

Tuesday. Mr. Robert Lowe opened the debate, and
dwelt with exceeding savageness upon the horrible character
of the Lower Orders, the perfection of our present system,
and the danger of disturbing it. He was utterly unjust to
the class to which alone an argument on this Bill could apply.
But he trumped Mr. Gladstone's Latin very happily.

Mr. Villiers could not agree with him, and thought that
the people, properly so called, had given signal proof of
their fitness for political power.

Among the speakers was Mr. Arthur Peel, youngest
son of the Sir Robert. His maiden speech was for the
Bill, and the House took special and kindly notice of him,
as English gentlemen might have been expected to do by
a son of the great Commoner. He called Mr. Lowe a
Goliath of Logic, and favoured him with a well-flung stone.

Mr. Miller opposed, but his speecb was chiefly remark-
able for its preternatural courage. He actually revived
poor dear old Sibthobpe's Timeo Danaos.

Mr. Whiteside was dashing, as usual. He regretted the
days when Lobd Palmerston reigned, and everything was
quiet and no nonsense.

Mr. Eawcett's speech excited much interest. It was
an able plea for the Working Classes, and an endeavour
to show that they would not vote en masse, but in divisions,
like other folks. He stated, however, that they would
certainly, had they been in power, have plunged us into war
for Poland.

Mr. Bright's speech was well constructed. He had to
support the Bill, but to disclaim its authorship, and rather
to grumble at it as not large enough. This was managed
with much tact. He then went at Messbs. Hobsman and
Lowe with great spirit, and charged them with being dis-
contented candidates for office, Mr. Hobsman, be said, had
set up a Cave of Adullam of his own, and as for Mr. Lowe
he was returned by Lord Lansdowne, who could as easily
have sent in his butler or groom. He likened their party
to a Scotch terrier, so covered with hair that you could not
tell head from tail. Whether you like this sort of thing or
not, the trained pugilist is very good at slogging.

Lord Cranbotjrne was effective in opposition, and pa-
thetic on the selfish and reckless egotism of Earl Russell.

Mr. John Hardy was perhaps rather post-prandial than
statesmanlike, talked about cigars, and Birmingham fire-
arms, and things that had not a very evident connection
with Reform, and then

©he 3ft?f0rm 33tlt was read a lirst Time, and the
Second Reading was fixed for the 12fch April.

To this admirable compendium of the Grand Debate, we
merely add that there was little else in the week. On
Wednesday a union of Scotch and Irish Sabbatarians
defeated a Bill for preventing certain Irish railway people
from depriving the public of Sunday trains. On Thursday
the Conservatives showed their strength on the Oath Bill,
and numbered 222 to the 236 who rejected part of the
amendment which Mr. Disraeli had been compelled, by
his party, to invent. We should not have liked to see his
intellectual face over such a task — invitd Minerva. And
on Friday, in the Lords, Earl Grey made a long speech
on Ireland, and recommended the destruction of the Irish
Cburch, and the division of her income among Episcopalians,
Catholics, and Presbyterians. He was cleverly answered in
a "roseate" speech by Lord Ddffebin. The Commons
talked of Woolwich and Sandhurst, and Irish riots, and
voted vast sums for combative purposes.

A SKETCH AT ALDERSHOTT.

"Oh, yes, Dear, I'm quite Safe! I have a Firm Hold."

GROSS CASE OF CLEMENCYfAT WINDSOR.

The following case, related by the Tost, is one which would, a few years ago,
have been animadverted on by sentimental writers in language expressive of a feeling
supposed to be excited in the minds of some persons by cruelty and injustice,
even although the sufferers of that injustice and cruelty are other persons; a
feeling which, in those years, used to be described by the single word " indigna-
tion," unexplained by the significant epithet " virtuous :" —

" A Harsh Judgment.— At the last Berks Petty Sessions, held at the Town Hall, Windsor, before
Messrs. P. H. Crutchley and T. J. Hercy, George Gally, apparently half-starved, was charged
with stealing a turnip, the property of George Allen, Old Windsor. The poor fellow pulled
a turnip on the previous Sunday morning, and actually ate half of it before he was detected in
such a dreadful crime. The defendant pleaded guilty, and in default of paying a fine of 5s. and
Us. Id. costs, he was sentenced to fourteen days' imprisonment with hard labour in Reading Gaol."

Mistakes will happen in the best regulated newspapers. Reporters are occasion-
ally inexact in reporting the administration of justice, especially the administration
of justice by Justices. There is, however, no necessity for suspecting any inaccuracy
in the foregoing narrative. In all probability there was no mistake. There is,
indeed, internal evidence of truth. The statement, that the prisoner had eaten half
of the turnip which he stole, exhibits a curious, and, doubtless, undesigned coincidence
with the previous statement that he was apparently half-starved. When he pulled
the turnip, George Gally was on the brink of absolute, starvation. He had about
half recovered therefrom by eating half the turnip.

Starving people have no right to take turnips and eat them, even out in the open
fields, and least of all on Sunday. March is not August, and turnips are not ears
of corn: neither is England Palestine, nor is the year 1866 the year 30, or any
year thereabouts. The only objectionable part of the paragraph above-quoted is its
heading. The judgment therein termed harsh was very much the reverse. One
rather hesitates to say that, in sentencing George Gally to fourteen days' im-
prisonment with hard labour in Reading Gaol, the Windsor Magistrates dealt
mercifully with that turnip-stealer and Sabbath-breaker. Mercy is one of those
obsolete words of the pathetic kind whose mere utterance now provokes the sneer
of everybody but an idiot. Let us then simply say that those Magistrates did not
punish that offender so severely as they might have punished him. They sent the
man to gaol. Was it not in their power to send him to the workhouse ?

Question. — The well-known house of Russell, Gladstone &
drawing a large Bill without considering their Returns. There seems
doubt if Parliament will aceept it.

Co. have been
to be some

122

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 24, 1866.

OUT OF PLACE.

Mrs. Flouncey. " You 'll go to Church with us this Morning, Mr. Pippins ? "

Mr. Pippins. " Haw, weally, Tha-anks, No ! I — I weally shouldn't Know a Soul there ! "

WHAT THE SHEEP THOUGHT OF IT.

An ancient shepherd, hight John Russell,

Once stout, though now sore shrunk in muscle,

Summoned, one day, his flock together,

Under the lead of their bell-wether —

"Dear sheep," quoth he, " Reform is needed ;

I tried it once, and it succeeded.

Your wool 's improved, and more 's got off it,

Till each year's clip brings larger profit ;

You 'ye finer points, your joints cut neater,

Your mutton's juicier aad sweeter:

Nay, you 're not only better eating,

But there 's more music in your bleating :

Till all who shear, taste, hear, or view,

Say, * Bless the Bill of Thirty-Two ! '

And even those who feared that movement,

Are driv'n to own your vast improvement.

Now. if Reform Bill number one

For fleece and flesh so much has done,

Think what ideal wool and mutton

Bill number two your backs will put on !

So to Reform what say you P— Ha ? "

The sheep responsive bleated " Baa ! "

" Baa me no baas ! " the shepherd cried,

" My hobby I again bestride ;

Some five false starts I on that hobby

Have made, and never reached the lobby,

But now, once more in the pig-skin,

I mean to run, and hope to win.

" Hear ! " bleated here and there a lamb,
When slow stepped forth an aged ram,
With curling horns that, wide outspread
Like wisdom's wig, adorned his head,
" Up to Reform," quoth he, " You 're warmed :

But we shall have to be reformed.

Permit me to observe, politely,

Active and passive differ slightly.

I can remember Thirty-Two,

And what it brought, as well as you.

One main result of our then votes

Was to cut certain sheepish throats."

Quoth Russell, "Yes: some rotten brothers'-

To the great blessing of the others."

" True," quoth the ram — " true— with a but ;

Their throats, who said so, were not cut ;

But when you chose that lot for killing,

You never asked if they were willing,

Japanese style, the knife to snatch,

And cheerfully themselves dispatch.

The country, keen to have their lives,

Supplied the butchers and the knives.

Touching Reform Bill number two —

Death to us, p'rap3, if sport to you —

There is one question / must put —

How many throats are to be cut ? "

" The question 's idle," quoth the swain,

" Yourselves shall deal the wholesome pain :

With your own hands let out the blood

That 's wanted for the general good ! "

" Thank you ! " the ancient ram replied,

" The privilege should rouse our pride ;

But, sheep or men, Sir, life is life,

And if you mean to use the knife,

Don't leave to us its application,

But go for butchers to the nation.

Proclaim our doom : let Eogland view it . . .

If she likes, she '11 send hands to do it."

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March 24, 1866.J

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

125

Augustus Smith, of Scilly,

By Piper's Hole he swore
That the proud Lord of Brownlow

Should keep the waste no more.
By Piper's Hole he swore it,

And named a trysting night,
And bade his myrmidons ride forth,
By special train from London's north,

To venge the Common Right.

Where on the street of Drummond

Four Doric columns frown,
Where the gigantic Stephenson

On his own line looks down,
The stalwart navvies gathered,

From lodgings far and near ;
Strong were the crowbars in their hands,

Stronger their hope for beer.

Loured the foul London gaslights,

And made the gloom more deep,
The million-peopled city's sons

Were in their early sleep,
When from the Euston Station.

Glided the special train
That bore the force that went to win

Berkhampstead's waste again.

And sternly rode each navvy,

The crowbar in his gripe,
And scornful of the snob-made law,

A fire in every pipe ;
They rode in solemn silence,

And not a navvy knew,
The leader whom he went to serve,

The work he went to do.

Thine old Red Cap, O Mother !

That train went rushing by,
Where Willesden bears Jack Sheppard's
name

In holiest memory.
Where points to Heaven the spire

On Harrow's haunted Hill,
Where Pinner's perky stockbrokers

In cockney nests were still.

Through Bushey and through Watford,

And on to wild Boxmoor
That special train its weighty freight

Of rugged champions bore.

LAY OF MODERN ENGLAND.

On, the steam-demon bore them,

Nor flagged upon the wing,
Until he lighted with his load

At Baptist-chapelled Tring.

Then spoke a voice accustomed

To bid strong men obey :
I know full well whose voice it was -.

His name I may not say.
*,' This way," was all He uttered,

As brief was their reply,
The navvy wastes few idle words —

The navvies grunted " Ay."

They marched three miles in silence,

The road was dark and drear,
But thought upheld the navvy's heart :

The pleasant thought of beer.
They reached Berkhampstead Common,

Or that which had been one,
Until by Ashridge's proud Lord

The feudal deed was done.

There, miles of iron railing

Scowled grimly in the dark,
Making what once was Common,

The Lord of Brownlow's Park :
His rights that Lord asserted,

Rights which they hold a myth,
The bold Berkhampstead Commoners,

Led by Augustus Smith.

Spoke out the nameless Leader,

" That Railing must go down."
Then firmer grasped the crowbar

Those hands so strong and brown,
They march against the railing,

They lay the crowbars low,
And down and down for many a yard

The costly railings go.

Strong are the navvies' muscles,

The navvies work like men :
Where was the Lord of Brownlow,

Where was brave Paxton then ?
Where was the valiant Grover,

The gallant Stocken where,
And where was he who smokes the

And makes the Earl his care ?

Yes, where was grocer Hazell,
Who raised the duteous song :

hams,

" As how a Lord like Brownlow's Lord
Could never do what 's wrong ? "

The Earl and all his champions
Were sleeping far away,

And ere the morn, upon the gorse
Three miles of railing lay.

" Hurrah ! " the navvies shouted :

In sight a horseman glides :
See on his cob, with bob, bob, bob,

The duteous Hazell rides :
To do his Lordship service

Comes riding through the mirk,
And bids the navvies let him know

Who brought them to their work.

Answer the stalwart navvies,

Who smoke the ham-smoker's game,
" Behold'st thou, Hazell, yon canal ;

Would'st like to swim the same?
If not, with beer this instant

Thyself and cob redeem,"
And round him as they spoke, they drew,

And edged him near the stream,

So down went Brownlow's railings,

And down went Hazell's beer,
And from the gathering crowd upgoes

One loud and lusty cheer.
For carriage, gig, and dog-cart

Come rushing on the scene,
And all Berkhampstead hastes to see

Where Brownlow's rails had been.

And husbands, wives, and children,

Went strolling through the gorse,
And cried, " We 've got our own again,

Thanks to your friendly force."
They cut green little morsels

As memories of the Band,
Whose lusty arms and iron bars

Had freed the Common land.

Bold was the deed and English

The Commoners have done,
Let 's hope the law of England, too,

Will smile upon their fan.
For our few remaining Commons

Must not be seized or sold,
Nor Lords forget they do not live

In the bad days of old.

PROVISION EOE THE SICK POOR.

The description given the other day at Willis's Rooms, by the Earl
of Carnarvon and the Archbishop of York, of the brutalities to
which the sick poor are subject in the infirmaries of most of the London
workhouses, suggests two courses that might be taken in dealing with
those wretched beings.

One course is that proposed by Mr. Ernest Hart, and approved by
the meeting which had heard the Earl and the Archbishop ; that of
levying a general metropolitan rate sufficient to make those infirmaries,
placed under proper management, decent.

The suggestion of the other must be premised by the supposition of
a case.

Suppose, then, that 'the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Animals had prevailed on the Legislature to enforce the establishment
of hospitals for diseased or worn-out dogs and horses. Suppose inspec-
tion of these institutions to have discovered that the animals were most
infamously neglected and ill-used. Suppose the following to form a
correct account of some of the particulars of their maltreatment.

Mad dogs are suffered to remain in the same kennel with dogs that
are only blind or lame, and to run about amongst old or ailing horses.
The kennels and stables are generally in a state of hideous filth. The
veterinary surgeon can only give each of his patients half-a-minute a
day, being paid at the rate of a farthing a head. There are no paid
attendants ; so that the sick creatures have mostly to nurse each other.
One-third of the quantity of air necessary to health is allowed to each
inmate of hospitals for poor animals. Medicines are administered to
them with shameful irregularity. A glandered horse was found to have
had no medicine for three days. Paralysed dogs, with gangreous backs,
were found lying in misery. In one instance, the authorities who

governed the animal infirmary established carpet-beating grounds close
to it, so as to fill it with clouds of dust, and in another a mound ot
graveyard earth, piled up in the court-yard of the institution, excluded
from its wards light and air.

The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals itself would
consider infirmaries for sick brutes, in the condition above described,
worse than no infirmaries at all. If expense forbad proper accom-
modation for the poor beasts, even that very society would probably
conclude that the only possible alternative " was that of killing
them.

That also is the other course which might be adopted in preference
to the one of levying a rate adequate to the humane treatment of the
sick poor.

The question therefore is, shall the Poor-law Guardians of the various
metropolitan Unions be empowered by Act of Parliament to shoot,
hang, drown, poison, or otherwise destroy, decrepit and diseased pau-
pers P Whether they would, if they might, destroy them, there can be
no question. It would be cheaper to put paupers out of their misery
than it is to let them die in misery. It would at least be just as
moral.

Let it not be urged that the destruction of paupers would be repug-
nant to our common Christianity. Christianity can be by no means
common where the poor are treated as they are in the metropolitan
workhouse infirmaries, and their treatment has not for a long time been
generally denounced every week from the pulpits of every denomi-
nation.

A Disclosure which can only be made in words certainly "tending
to a breach of the peace:" — One Irishman disclosing his religion to
another.

126

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 24, 1866.

HOBBIES.

Artist. "Great Treat on Monday Night, wasn't it?"

Politician. "Oh, taas, were tou thar? I thought Gladstone surpassed
Himself weally — his Perwowation was Magnific "

Artist. "Oh, ah, but I'm speaking of Joachim and the Kreotzer Sonata
at the Monday Pop)"

Politician. "Haw!" [Subject dropped.

THE REFORM BILL IN A NUTSHELL.

Here 's a Vote for the County to every fourteen

Pounds holding, a let down from fifty :
One hundred and seventy thousand, I ween,
To the rank of electors 'twill lift ye.
Chorus.— -Let the BUI pass,

'Twill enfranchise the mass,
But I '11 warrant it won't satisfy any class !

•Here 's a Savings' Bank Suffrage, a notion absurd,
I 've a notion 'twill meet small approval ;

Here's a Franchise for Lodgers — but mind, not a word
About marking down seats for removal.
Chorus. — Let the Bill pass, &c.

All householders now by the ratepaying clause,
Sixty thousand or so, who are kept out,

The Bill will enfranchise — but is there no cause
Why some close boroughs ought to be swept out ?
Chorus. — Let the Bill pass, &c.

For a Seven Pound Rental the Bill gives a vote,
Which may please our friend Bright, and his party :

But the best of reformers row not in his boat,
And the cry for Reform is not hearty.
Chortis. — Let the Bill pass, &c.

A CORRECTION OF THE PRESS.

A Contemporary informs us that " Boulogne is pre-
paring for a most interesting season, to be rendered so by
means of an Exposition Internationale de Peche," in a vast
and splendid aquarium : and adds that —

" The port; already presents a gay and thronged appearance, as a
great number of English families are wintering there."

Our friends the eminent hands who habitually take every
possible occasion for quoting the old fellow's statement
that we English are accustomed to enjoy ourselves " moult
tristement" are invited to attend to the word " as" in
the foregoing extract, where it is used in the sense of
" because." A great number of English families are win-
tering at Boulogne, and consequently the port thereof
presents not only a thronged, but also a gay appearance.
Let our friends above referred to learn to speak like true
and not erroneous parrots, and addict themselves, in future,
to remarking that we are wont to enjoy ourselves moult
gaiement, after our peculiar manner, that of a particularly
jolly people.

SERMONS IN AIR.

Walls have ears, we all know. What we did not know, perhaps,
is, that bricks and mortar have lungs as well ; and that the analysis of
what a building breathes may sometimes reveal strange and significant
results.

Thus, Dr. Angus Smith, we learn from the papers, has lately been
examining some specimens of air from a London Law Court — nay, from
the very fountain-head of Justice, the Court of Queen's Bench.

We regret to find him reporting that this breath of the highest of all
the Superior Courts is very bad indeed— the most deficient in oxygen
(the life and health-giving element) " of any specimens found by him
during the day, in any inhabited place above ground ! "

Think of that — worse than the air of an East-End sweater's garret,
or a West-End milliner's work-room, a Lambeth casual ward, or a
Committee-Room in the New Houses of Parliament !

He considers the air of a room bad when, out of a million parts, it is
deficient in 1000 of oxygen, workshops very bad when, out of the same
quantity, they are deficient in 2000 parts of oxygen. In the Court of
Queen's Bench, to every million parts of air there are 5000 parts less of
oxygen than in the air of the Parks hard by. He goes on : —

" The moisture from the window was collected. It was perspiration in great part.
It is putrefying, and discolours more permanganate now (a sure test of its im-
purity) than it did at first."

"Perspiration? How produced?" one is led to ask. Is it the
quintessence of agonised witnesses, wrung out by cross-examination, or
the insensible evaporation of conscientious scruples on the part of
counsel ? Is it concentrated effort of attention from bewildered jury-
men, or hyper- saturated steam of sophistry from consummate special
pleaders, condensed on the glass by its contact with the 3unlight ?

In any case, this analysis shows that the air of the Superior Courts
must be very unwholesome to breathe, and justifies Dm. Smith's
conclusion that —

" Mere change of air will not purify a room like this, a current must pass through
it for a long time until complete oxidation takes place."

We should like Dr. Angus Smith to analyse some of the air of the
House of Commons — after, say, the debates on the Second Reading of
the Reform Bill.

HONOUR TO A MAYOR.

" Wareham of the Cupola " is, it seems, laudably anxious that the
world should judge it rightly. All that the Mayor, Mr. Filleter, did
about the application to the Prince of Wales for seven pounds, was
done out of the Mayor's own head. It seems too that Mr. Filleter,
as also might have been expected, is quite unconscious of the snub from
Marlborough House, and says, " A more sensible, gentlemanly letter I
never read. It is worth £5 at least merely to know under what ex-
cellent influences, and in what very good companionship the eldest son
of our Sovereign Queen Victoria is placed." Well, here are five
pounds out of the seven, and we are delighted to be able to add, that
H R.H. the Prince of Wales, as representing our Sovereign, Queen
Victoria, has not been pleased to signify the slightest objection to
Mr. Filleter's taking, in commemoration of his intellectual demon-
strations on this occasion, an addition to his present name, and being
known for the future by the style and title of Mr. Filleter Veal.

To Landscape Gardeners.— Ornamental Water is made with plain
water.

March U, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

127

A PLEA FOR THE CHRISTMAS FAIRIES.

It. Punch it appears has, very
unintentionally, administered
■what some kindly-disposed
ladies, engaged in a charitable
work for the benefit of the
ballet, think is a rap over the
knuckles to them, and a
heavy blow and sore dis-
couragement to their bene-
volent labours.

This is naturally the more
mortifying to these ladies, as
their work was suggested by
a letter published by Mr.
Punch himself, setting forth
the labours, hardships, and
struggles of the poor little
Fairies who shed a halo round
Pantomime openings, help to
make Transformation Scenes
beautiful, and Bowers of
Bliss supremely blissful. That
letter revealed the seamy
side of Pairyland — showed
us the bowers of bliss with-
out the blue fire and gas-jets,
and introduced the reader to
a very sorry transformation
scene, from the Fairies' haunt
on the boards to the Fairies'
haunt in her cheerless Drury
Lane garret, or ber squalid
Waterloo Road two-pair back.
Thereupon a Committee of ladies (whose names are given below*)
took up the case of the Fairies. Their notion was to promote provi-
dence (by encouraging Fairies to invest in the Savings' Bank, and by
paying a per-centage on Fairy-deposits), to aid, by money and visiting,
in cases of sickness and distress, and to help the acquisition of other
means of employment by Fairies hors de combat from time — who does
not spare even Fairies — or anxious, for any other reason, to change
their way of life from Fairydom to the work-a-day world. Mr. Punch,
under the impression that Fairies were admissible to the benefits of
some of the existing Theatrical funds — at least, of the Dramatic Eques-
trian and Musical Sick Fund— has, it seems, put this impression into
words which the kind friends of the Fairies think calculated to throw
cold water on their attempt. Their spokeswoman writes to assure us
that the two Societies we named " are not available for the Ballet pur-
sang, but only for such members of the profession as have little parts to
speak, or songs to sing," —

"At least," she continues,

"We have Mrs. Stirling's assurance that ballet-girls cannot join them. But
if they could, please remember that the money they would pay in would be lost to
them, where«s it will be our great aim never to let the girls who join our Society,
take out their Savings' Bank investments while in the profession.

" Surely, dear Mr. Punch," pleads our fair Correspondent, —

" You owe your offspring some reparation for that cruel Editor's Note appended to
your kind notice and charming vignette in a late number, for you see it must entirely
neutralise the good effect of the previoussentenee, and that many a Paterfamilias who
had felt for a crisp five-pounder while readingyour suggestion about Messrs. Drcm-
mond, must have re-plunged his hand into the lower depths of his pocketon reading
the asseveration of Mr. Punch's own self that 'the ballet girls are already provided fur,
if they choose.' Now, do please give us another little notice of our work, as being
under your especial care, with a vignette representing the Grand Punch as protector
alike of the fairy on the stage and in her own dreary home, and of the ladies who
hope to follow and assist her there— while Mrs. Judy will surely permit us to head
our list of patronesses with her (through you) illustrious name.

" And we earnestly beg of you to make it well understood that no gentleman what-
ever has anything to do with our work in any way, except by the liberal contribu-
tions they send to Messrs. Drummond's. Ours is entirely a woman's work among
women.

" And, oh, Eevered Punch! what a work might we not do if you would only go in
for it in public, as we in private life ! To raise the self-respect and tone, aDd to
lower the petticoats of the whole corps de ballet, to purify (he whole school of
dancing of our day, to improve and refine the whole 'public taste,' making that
easily led monster see that dancing and grace are not synonymous terms with kicks,
and leaps, and undue exhibition of leg, and lessening the temptations, and en-
couraging the modesty of these poor girls, so many of whom are so honest and
laborious, and so well deserving all help and friendliness that we can afford them.

" Help us, dear Punch, and you will have your reward. Your devoted adherent,

" A Fairies' Friend."

* Miss Bayly, 5. Halkin Street, S.W.
Countess de Grey & Ripon, 1. Carlton Gardens, W.
Mrs. Alfred Shadwell, 89, Westbourne Terrace, W.
Mrs. Fred. Wetherall, 30. Westbourne Place, 8.W.
Mrs. Stirling, 3, Duchess Street. Portland Place, W.
Mrs. Blakeley, 1, Park Lane, W.

(To whom Members may send their names, and Subscribers their money.

We are delighted to make the amende honorable for even a semblance
of disfavour, by printing this letter, and. by authorising the Committee
to put down Mr. Punch as Patron — as the only masculine being who
can be trusted to have anything to do with Fairies, except from the
other side of the float.

Mr. Punch loves the ballet — in all honour and purity— for he knows
how much charity, self-sacrifice, and noble resistance to temptation it
includes in its ranks; and he loves, also — in all honour and brotherly
affection — the ladies who have the courage and womanly feeling to hold
out the hand to their sisters in short skirts and white satin shoes, and
to do what in them lies to encourage good and industrious ballekgirls
in their poor little efforts at saving, to succour them iu sickness, and
lend them a hand in their struggles for an honest maintenance.

AN ASS AT AN ORGAN.

We are very indulgent to our friends the ultra-Ritualists, because
we believe that as the poor boys grow into men they will be ashamed
of their effeminate absurdities. But we must draw the line somewhere,
and if we permit a good deal of millinery and mountebankery in a
beardless young priest, we really cannot stand it in an Organist. We
shall have it in the Pew-opener next, nay, it may become efflorescent
in a Beadle. Just read this letter from a Church newspaper. It pur-
ports to be signed by the organist of a Church in the West of England.

« sir, — Easter is fast approaching, and the Benedictines of ******* have promised
to help us again, and are very anxious to make our service on that High Festival
the most devotional in all the West of England. Gne ;gentleman of the community
offered us two seven-branched candlesticks, but our Incumbent declined them, as
he did not see his way clear to the using of more than the two lights ordered by the
Edwardine Injunctions."

The Incumbent seems to have had a glimmering of sense, or else a
sense of the ludicrous.

" We have nngnificent vestments for the High Festivals, and this week a violet
set has been presented to us for penitential seasons. The full 'ritual ha3 already so
far gained favour that he would be a bold man. who would attempt to extinguish,
our lights or to rob us of our vestments and other accessories. The services are
also gradually making a profound impression on some of the neighbouring gentry."

We should not wonder. And if some of the neighbouring gentry
know the Bishop of the diocese, they might do worse than impart that
profound impression. But here is the gem':—

" But we sadly want an organ. There is one on which we have our eya. It is
nearly new, having been used only for a few months in a Methodist Chapel — for
which we trust it would not be much the worse after being well incensed and
exorcised."

Incensed and exorcised, because some fellow Christians have listened,
for a few months, to its music ! We have a strong notion that this
organist is making fun of his incumbent and the gentleman of the seven-
branches, and the rest of the green geese. If so, all right, except that
his fun is dim. But if he be in earnest in his insolent folly, we hereby
authorise any active young Methodist to incense and exorcise him —
if he can find the fellow. For as of course this was a begging letter,
we withhold the advertisement.

KINDRED AND AFFINITY.

A Bill ha« been brought into the House of Commons by Mk.
Chambers to legalise marriage with a deceased wife's sister. Of
course it will be opposed by all the Members of that Honourable
House, if there are any, who delight in seeing the personal freedom of
other people limited by prohibitions which do not happen to prevent
themselves from gratifying their own inclinations. One of their argu-
ments may be anticipated. They will probably urge that, if men are
permitted to marry their deceased wives' sisters, other men will demand
permission to marry other ladies to whom they are still more nearly
related. But that they can do now. Let people desirous of restricting
other people in a matter of taste turn to the Table of Kindred and
Affinity at the end of the Common Prayer-book, and there they will find
that there is nothing to prevent anybody from marrying (and pecuniary
considerations may make a man want to. marry) the sister of his
grandmother.

Local Self-Misgovernment.

Roads, botched with granite evermore,
The horse's friend bemoans.

The local Bumbles grind the poor,
But won't crush those rough stones.

A THOUGHT ON ST. PATRICK'S DAT.

How just England is to the Island of Erin! Despite treason and
rebellion, she, as represented by one of her great universities, Oxford,
continues to award the Ireland Scholarship.

128

$ uncfj, or tfje SLontfon Cfjartbari.

[IHarct 24, 1866.

% 3frpi tf tfawetot— $ nxt 4.

The pale wet moon did rise and ride,
O'er misty wolds and marshes wide.

© interne !
Sad earth slept underneath the yew,
Lapt in the death-sweat men call dew.

<& miStvie !
0 raven ringlets, ringing wet !
0 bright eye rolling black as jet !

© migzxie !
O matted locks about the chin !
0 towering head-piece, battered in !

© migzxiz !
Three hats that fit each other tight,
Are worth the helmet of a knight !

© migzxiz !
He rose all shapeless from the mud,
His yellow garb was stained with blood ;

& migzxiz !
" Vat ish thish schwimming in mine head ?
Thish turning round and round?" he said.

<& miizxiz !
He took three paces through the night,
He saw red gold that glittered bright !

© migexiz !
Two Royal Heads of Hair he saw !
And One was Woven, and One was Raw !

© migzxit !
" 0 Sholomon ! if there ain't a pair
Of dead young damshels shinking there !

" O Moshesh ! vat a precioush lot
Of beautiful red hair they 've got !

" The prishe of it would compenshate
Most handshome for my broken pate !

" How much their upper lipsh do pout !
How very much their chins shtick out !

" How dreadful shtrange they shtare ! they

sheem
Half to be dead, and half to dream !

" The Camelot peoplesh alvaysh try
To look like that ! I vonder vy ?

" Yet each hath got a lovely fashe !
Good Father Jacob shend them grashe !

" 0 Jacob ! blesh the lovely light,

That lit the moon that shtruck the knight.

That married the maid that carried the Jew,

That shold (as he intensh to do)

The golden locks and shilver ring's

Of SSratmtflljrmirc and jJfOftrteiljtrtugj? !"

& mts'crte !
Thus having given thanks, he drew
His two-fold weapon cutting true ;

© taiStvit !
And close he dipt, and clean and clear,
From crown and temple, nape and ear.

<B mistvie !
The wind in pity soughed and sighed !
The river beat the river side !

© migzxiz !
The willows wept to stand and see
The sweetest, softest heads that be,

<© tnitizxiz !
In ghastliest baldness gleam dead-white,
And sink unhallowed out of sight !

© migzxlz !
But, lo, you ! Ere kind earth could fold
Their shame within its bosom cold,

<& mitizxiz !
The moon had laupht in mockery down
And stampt a highlight on each crown ! ! ...

<& xntezxiz !
Thrice muttering deep his mystic note,
The stillness of the night he smote :

© tntezxiz !
Then, with a treasure dangling slack
From either shoulder adown his back,

<9 miiexiz !

He, whistling in his whistle, strode,
Nor felt he faint upon the road!
& mtezxiz !

You may be sure that it was not
The road that leads to Camelot !
© mtezxiz !

Fr,D^u »? Willla,™ ""dourr, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Pariah of St. Pancras, In (be Ctinntr o! Middlesex, and Fred-rick Mullett Evans. ->f No. 11. Bouverie Street, in the Precinot of
Vtbitelriars, City of London. Pr titers, at their Office in i.omuxnl Street, in ihe Prec nctiof Whitefnars, City of Lond in and pjblished by them at No.SS, Kleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride. City
if Ijondon.— Saturday, March 24, 18fi6.

March 31, 1866.]

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

129

THE SLANG OF THE STAGE.

Wonderful are the wants one
every day sees advertised, and
of all none are more wondrous
than the wants theatrical !
For example, do just look at
this strange catalogue of some
of them : —

WANTED, an ENTIRE
DRAMATIC COMPANY, at
the close of the present Equestrian
Season, for the Bummer, including
Leading Gentleman, Heavy ditto.
Juvenile ditto, First and Second
Singing Low Comedians, Old Men,
Walking Gents, &c, &c. ; Leading
Lady, Heavy and Old ditto, Walk-
ing ditto, Singing Chambermaid,
Lady Dancer, and Scenic Artist
(BOTH TO ACT), Leader of
Orchestra, and others. Also several
Utility Ladies and Gentlemen,
Wardrobe-keeper, and a Carpenter
and Property Man, both to com-
bine Bill Posting and delivering.
Stamps not required, as silence
must be considered a negative.

It would appear from this
announcement that a leading
man upon the stage is re-
garded as a gentleman, while
walking men are merely con-
sidered to be " gents." Of
the grounds for this distinc-
tion we are not at all aware,
nor do we know how long an
actor continues to be " juve-
nile," nor at what age he is
treated as one of the "old
men." Then, how many
pounds, we wonder, is a man
required to weigh before he
cau procure an engagement as
a "heavy" one? and what
amount of salary could mollify
a lady after the gross insult of
calling her an "old ditto?"
We are not exactly certain who the two persons may be who are in such big
letters wanted "both to act : " but, from the great stress which is laid upon their
doing so, we are led to think that acting is not so much required of the remainder
of the company, and that the walking gentleman and lady may. perhaps be walking-
sticks. Though common on the stage, perhaps, " utility ladies " are not abundant
off it : and we could wish that ladies generally would try to earn the epithet better
than they do. As for a " property man " being wanted in this company, we should
like to know the company that a property man — we mean a man of property — would
not be asked to join. It is not everywhere, however, that a man of property

would be asked to act as bill-poster, as in the above an-
nouncement is the case. But there are things done on
the stage which never would be dreamed of being done in
real life : indeed, the things done on the stage are often
quite as puzzling as the slang of stage advertisements,
whereof what we have quoted is a tolerable dose.

THE PILOT THAT 'S NEAEING THE
EOCK.

I Wished to praise the Budget

By Gladstone framed, my nation,
Still further, as I judge it,

To lighten of taxation ;
And fondly I expected

To sing, for London's pleasure,
Of Commons, well protected

By Cowper's pending measure.

The hope I had contracted

To laud, in verses polished,
Yet more good laws enacted,

And more bad Acts abolished.
But oh, what sad delusion

Shall I have laboured under,
If impotent conclusion

Result from grievous blunder.

Why, Russell, didst thou, heeding

The Demagogue's sole worry,
No haste when there was needing,

A crude Reform Bill hurry P
Plump on yon rock, appearing

So plain, in calmest weather,
With open eyes you're steering:

Confound it altogether !

But, you to wreck thus tending,

Obey no Maelstrom suc'ion :
No, you yourself are sending

Your good ship to destruction.
No iron fate has bound her,

But only choice demented.
Ah ! wherefore should she founder

When that might be prevented P

What, O thou, prone the twaddle,

To quote, of Whig tradition !
Would Mr, Fox, thy model,

Have done in thy position ?
Self-sacrifice, from weeping

Hope's shipwreck, might insure us.
Then overboard by leaping

Oblige us, Palinurus !

A NATIONAL DEBT OE HONOUE.

You are occasionally informed by the newspapers that a meeting has
been held by the Commissioners for the Reduction of the National
Debt. The next time these gentlemen meet they will perhaps take into
consideration, and report upon, a debt of about £6,100 which the nation
owes to the surviving relatives of the late Admibal Pitzroy.

The sum above stated, and rather more, was so much money person-
ally expended by Admibal Pitzboy on the public service, and never
repaid to him. In particular, now some thirty years ago, " this con-
scientious surveyor, unwilling to quit his South American station
without rendering his services in every way complete, had hired two
additional vessels at his own cost to finish off the examination of the
coasts of the Falkland Islands, and subsequently purchased a third,
besides fitting out' the Beagle, to a great extent at his own expense."
Was not this statement made by Sib Rodebick Impey Mubchison, at
the Royal Geographical Society, in his anniversary address to that
scientific body, delivered May 22, 1863? And did not the eminent
speaker on that occasion also relate how, so long ago as 1829, "young
Pitzboy " gained credit by his discovery of the Otway Water in the
Straits of Magellan, insomuch that his commanding officer, Captain
Philip King, very much applauding what he had done, named one of
the chief sea passages Pitzroy Strait ?

Everybody knows the work that Pitzboy did as chief of the Weather
Office ; a capacity wherein, having saved a multitude of lives, he finally,
from over-exertion, lost his own. He died morally worth millions;
fiscally worth less than nothing : in debt £3000. The late Pirst Minister
of the Crown promised to confer a pension on Mbs. Pitzroy, a promise

which was more than he found himself able to perform. Government can
do no more than ask authority from the House of Commons for a grant
sufficient to liquidate the debt which was all that the Admiral left
behind him. The times are so bad ; the nation is so poor, and is
indebted to so many benefactors who had spent more than their all
upon their country before they died !

The progress of a magnificent structure in course of erection by a
grateful country in Hyde Park, shows, however, that Englishmen can
contribute something out of their poverty in acknowledgment of true
merit, even when its claims are not enforced by necessity.

In behalf of the late Admiral Pitzboy's widow and children, the
Liverpool Chamber of Commerce has formed a fund to be called " The
Admiral Pitzroy Testimonial Pund," to whose Committee the Hono-
rary Secretary in London is Charles Shaw, Esq., 55, Charing Cross ;
the Secretary and Treasurer in Liverpool is William Pkeguson, Esq.,
Liverpool and London Chambers; and their London Bankers are
Messrs. Coutts & Co.

Troublesome Things.

There are several varieties of a powder, said to be made of a species
of camomile, sold under the name of Insecticide, or Insect-killer, as the
Insecticide Vicat, Insecticide Dumont, Persian Insect-Powder, and so
on, to destroy parasitical, bed-besetting, and other odious animalcules.
But there is no powder, and, if there is any power, it is, to the disgrace
of the police who possess it, not exerted, to get rid of those abominable
and dangerous Crawlers, by which the streets are infested, the empty
Cabs that creep along the curbstone.

VOL. L.

130

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 31, 1866.

LACE-UP BOOTS ARE THE MOST COMFORTABLE; BUT IF THEY

COME UNDONE ! ! !

ESCAPE OF STEPHENS.

Mr. Punch has received the following letters, and feels it
his duty to make them public. The circumstances preclude
his affixing his voucher to their truth : —

No. 1.

Dear Jones, — Here I am, all safe and sound. For the
last three days before leaving Ireland I had a fatiguing
time of it, as I was perpetually walking about with the
police in search of myself. On Tuesday, previous to my
departure, I had the pleasure of dining with his Excellency
the Lord Lieutenant. We talked about the prospects of
Fenianism, and he said he would give something to catch
Stephens. I told him that I was the Head-Centre, but
he wouldn't believe it. I am having a very pleasant time
of it, as there is still plenty of money left : when it is
finished I shall, I think, take to Spiritualism, or go on the
stage as a star.

The report that Mr. Stephanos Xenos is myself in
disguise is calculated to produce a wrong impression.
I admire the Greeks. Yours truly, Stephens.

No. 2.

Dear Punch, — Send me your next Number. I enclose
my card and address. You may forward the number to me
by a Policeman, if you like. Yours ever, Stephens.

Can I do anything for you in Paris P
[N.B. The card and address" were signed, " H. Walker,"
one of his numerous aliases, " Nusquam Lodge."]

No. 3.

Dear Stodare, — Can you enter into some arrangement
with me for the hire of your room at the Egyptian Hall
during the Season ? 1 propose giving an entertainment to
be called, " Stephens at Home, and the Police Abroad."
It will be very amusing, as I have a large and varied ward-
robe. I shall have a panorama painted, and exhibit a real
live Dublin Policeman, who will dance, sing, and show in
pantomime how he catches Stephens. Your terms must
include the piano. Yours ever, Stephens.

P.S. Talk of your Basket Trick! I'll show you one
worth ten of that.
P.S. Advertise the Sphinx as the Head-Centre.

Yours S.

A SMALL REFORM SUGGESTED.

Mr. Punch,

We are presented with a Reform Bill. I want you to fumigate,
(I offer this word as a substitute for " ventilate," of which, with other
overworked expressions and phrases, " infusion of new blood," for
example, you must be a-weary), an anomaly that I think the proposed
Statute of Victoria migkt redress.

I get into Parliament, after a toilsome canvass in hot weather up and
down unpaved alleys, a considerable expenditure'of wasted money, and
possibly, the torments of an Election petition. I grow tired of Parlia-
ment, say, because the private bill business is too much for me, or my
Constituents are too much for me, with their vigorous appetite for
favours, and places, and pecuniary subscriptions, or the estimates for
the London campaign, engaged in by costly sons and daughters, become
inconveniently heavy.

I determine to resign my seat, and find I cannot be relieved of my
trust, and issue a farewell address to the 153 freemen and other electors
of Slumberwell without accepting the Stewardship of the Chiltern Hun-
dreds, a pastoral appointment as fictitious as mermaids or the divine
right of kings. I apply for 'this eligible situation, obtain it, and am
gazetted as its fortunate occupant.

Possibly some fellow Member, as anxious as myself to escape from
the diversion of listening to Counsel on Gas and Railway Bills, has
already secured this hilly post, in which case I have to content myself with
the inferior dignity of the Stewardship of the Hundred of Northstead,
or it may be, Hempholm. Graced with one of these pretended pre-
ferments, I hear no more division bells. Is it necessary to maintain
this sham? Would our exports fall off if it were slain? Why not
banish it along with decayed oaths and declarations ? Why cannot I
write a letter to the Speaker, signifying my desire to dissolve my
connection with Slumberwell, without being constrained to ask for the
Chiltern Hundreds (a poor exchange for my thousands), or Northstead,
or Hempholm? When a Bishop resigns his see (an unusual occur-
rence, I grant, but it has happened) he does not betake himself to an
imaginary curacy ; when a Judge retires from the Bench, he retreats
into no fictitious Recordership. Would " Supply " be imperilled, if a

Member of Parliament were to disappear from the Treasury or Oppo-
sition ranks without this supposititious assumption of office?

I hope I am not rudely jostling the ark of the Constitution, in
drawing attention to this rusty remainder of antiquity. I am neither
democrat nor republican. I am willing to attend the Speaker's
dinners and levees in a masquerade dress ; I have no wish to see
the Mace broken up and sold as old metal, or the Black Rod con-
verted into fuel. If some real appointment could be assigned to
retiring M.P.'s, if only for the space of a day, I would cheerfully
take it. I would submit to be Chief Acrobat, or a Lord High
Bed warmer, or Umbrella in waiting; but I do protest against being
obliged to accept an office which has no existence, except in the London
Gazette, against the absurdity of being publicly announced as filling a
Stewardship of which I can give no account, before it is permitted me
to discontinue the letters M.P. after my name. It could not be more
preposterous if I were proclaimed as having accepted the tenancy of a
Chateau d'Espagne.

Is there an impassable obstacle to the abolition of this anomaly?
and is it — fees ?

I have my thoughts about a Lord of the Admiralty or Treasury being
forced to seek re-election on taking office and emolument, but perhaps
I am too headlong. Pott Wallop.

STIRRING STRAINS.

Quoth Dr. Macleod the other day at Glasgow :—

" There is no music in the world to be compared with the bagpipe. (Applause.)
* * It is the music a Highlander understands best. * * There is something in
the bagpipe will stir him when nothing else can. (Great applause.)"

Vara true. Dr. Macleod. Here's your gude health, and a' your
familee's ! Dr. Macpunch is a true Hielander, although till now he
did na ken sae muckle of his bluid and bairthplace. As ye say, mon,
"There is something in the bagpipe" whilk sae "stirs him" that he
never can sit quiet when he hears it. Play the bagpipe anywhere in the
Macpunch's neighbourhood, and it speedily will stir the Macpunch
out of earshot !

prarcf) si, 1866.]

Punrff, or tije SLontron Cfjarioaii.

131

% Jtgrnfo nf CantM— $nrt 5 imn ICast. tamaine jfis ^fatana

The castle weeds have grown so tall
Knights cannot see the red brick wall.

& migtvle !
The little drawbridge hangs awry,
The little flowery moat is dry !

<9 migtviz !
And the wind, it soughs and sighs alway
Through the grey willows, night and day !

«9 mtezxiz !
And evermore two willows there
Do weep, whose boughs are always bare :

© migzxiz !
At all times weep they, in and out
Of season, turn and turn about !

© migzxiz I
But later, when the year^doth fall,
And other willows, one and all,

& midexiz !
In yellowing and dishevelled leaf
Sway haggard with their autumn grief,

<B mtezxiz I
Then do these leafless willows now
Put forth a rosebud from each bough !

<& migzviz i
What time (Kautoatne, with spurless heels,
Barefoot (but not bare-headed) kneels

& mtiztiz !
Between ! ... as fits a bigamous knight :
Twice widowed in a single night.

& mi&zvtz !

And then, for that promiscuous way
Of axing Hebrews in broad day,

© migzriz !
He ever uttereth a note
Of Eastern origin remote. . . .

& migzviz !
A well-known monochord, that tells
Of one who, wandering, buys and sells !

© mteexiz !
What time the knights and damsels fair,
Of Slrtjur'g court come trooping there,

© mteexit !
They come in dresses of dark green,
Two damsels take a knight between :

© migzxiz !
One sad and sallow knight is fixt
Dyspeptic damsels twain betwixt !

& mtiexiz !
They speak not, but their weary eyes
And wan white eyelids droop and rise

© mtizxiz !
With dim dead gaze of mystic woe !
They always take their pleasure so

© tnigzxie !
In Camelot ... It doth not lie
With us to ask, or answer, why !

& mi&zxiz !
Yet, seeing them so fair and good,
Fain would we cheer them, if we could !

© mtezxiz !

And every time they find a bud,
They pluck it, and it bleeds red blood.

© migzxlz !
And when they pluck a full blown rose,
And breathe the same, its colour goes !

© mitizxiz !
But with (Kautoame alone at night,
The willows dance in their delight !

€9 midzxiz !
The rosebuds wriggle in their bliss,
And lift them for his lips to kiss !

<& mtezxiz !
And if he kiss a rose instead,
It blushes of a deeper red !

© migzxiz !
And if he like it, let him be !
It makes no odds to you or me !

<& mtezxiz !
O many-headed multitude,
Who read these rhymes that run so rude,

© mitizxiz !
Strive not to fathom their intent !
But say your prayers, and rest content

& mtezxiz !
That, notwithstanding those two cracks
He got from <§autoatne'£ battle-axe,

© mtezxiz I
The Hebrew had the best of it!
So, Gentles, let us rest a bit.

© migzxiz !

132

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 31, 1866.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

ermatians are sec-
tarians in Arabia.
We forget what
their spiritual and
temporal ideas are,
nor does it matter
to the narration
that on Monday,
March 19, British
Spiritual and Tem-
poral ideas came
into collision, as
will occur in a free
country, and no
harm done. Go-
vernment had re-
fused to appoint a
Fast Day as a re-
medy for the Rin-
derpest. But the
Bishops made their
own appointments
to that end. Dr.
Tait, of London,
fixed a day on which
the Head of the
Church had an-
nounced Her in-
tention to hold a
Court, and as it
was thought incon-
gruous that the aristocracy, in gold and purple and fine linen, should be rejoicing at
the Palace, while the rest of the people were in church, the day of penitence was
put back, and fixed for the 20th. Earl Russell moved, to-day, that the Lords'
Committee should not sit, on the Fast Day, until the afternoon, and the pro-
posal was accepted. Not so in the Commons. Me. Gladstone's similar motion
was opposed by Mr. Botjverie, who refused to acknowledge the supremacy of
the Bishop of London. Mr. Gladstone deprecated contention on such a subject,
but Mr. Bright begged him to forget churchmanship and to remember statesman-
ship. The House was not to be subject to the will of a single bishop. Lokd John
Manners wished to go to church. Sir George Grey thought that Members
ought to have that advantage, if they desired it. Admiral Duncombe complained
of the long yarns — we beg pardon — sermons, now usual. Alter more talk the
House divided, and the Bishop's men mustered 259 to 112 Anti-Bishopir.es.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer was questioned as to a Re-Distribution
Reform Bill. _ He stated that Government would not consider themselves ac-
quitted of their obligation until they should have introduced such a measure, but
that they would reserve perfect freedom as to the choice of an opportunity for
so doing. And they would do nothing about Boundaries or anything else, until
they " saw their way " with regard to the Reform Bill. Mr. Gladstone cannot
deny that he and his friends have been obligingly favoured by journalists and others
with the offer of every kind of political telescope.

Lord Hartington, in reply to a question touching big guns, said that he knew
nothing about an Oval Bore. He will know a deal the first time he gets a bad egg.
The Oaths Bill passed, after some Protestant growls from the usual quarter.
Sir John Pakington very properly brought up the terrible story of the loss of
the London, and an interesting debate ensued. The late inquiry was described as
a white-washing affair, stress was laid on the refusal to allow witnesses to be cross-
examined, and the mode in which vessels are "inspected" was represented to be
cursory and careless. Government, as usual, eschewed responsibility.

On Navy Estimates a gallant stand was made for the Old Men. It was declared
shameful to compel a vigorous old Admiral to retire, when it was notorious that a
healthy and (reasonably) temperate party of 70 was a younger man than a party
of 50 who was not prudent. But Lobd Clarence explained that it was necessary
to produce a flow of promotion. His argument will have produced a flow of strong
language from the lips of divers irascible old Sea Dogs.

Tvesday. Two distinguished gentlemen took steps for the purpose of tripping up
the Reform Bill. Neither is a Conservative. One is Earl Grosvenor (heir
apparent to the Marquis of Westminster), who intends to move that it is
inexpedient to discuss a Reform Bill until the Entire Scheme is before Parliament.
The other is Sir William Hutt, who was the other day Earl Russell's Vice-
President of the Board of Trade, and who intends, should Lobd Grosvenor fail,
to move that the Reform Bill, if passed, shall have no operation until Re-
Distribution of Seats shall be made. Two ugly spear-thrusts at the Trojan Horse.
(c Mr. Cabdwell having affectionately exclaimed to the Governor of Victoria,

Come here, Darling!" we had a discussion on the recal. The Colonial
Secretary explained that he had removed Sir Charles because it was impossible
for him to work well with certain influential colonists, and not because he had com-
mitted certain errors.

Mr. Cowpeb, for Government, brought in a Bill for improving and protecting
the 180 Commons within a radius of 15 miles of the Metropolis. He, Sir Thwaites,
and three others are to be Commissioners for the purpose. In the debate Mr.

Sandfobd gave offence to that eternal talker, Mr. Ayrton,
who scolded him for wanting to abolish the statutes of
Merton. Certainly Sandford and Merton ought not to
be hostile. But do most folks know what the statutes of
Merton are, or that from Merton proceeded the famous
Nolumus leges ? Touching the Bill, which is good so far
as it goes, Mr. Punch expresses his and the nation's (which
is tautology) obligation to the Chief Commissioner, and
hopes that the improved and protected Commons will
afford Cowper many a pleasant Winter Morning Walk—
or ride.

People who take offices which a Catholic cannot hold,
have to make a declaration that they do not believe in
Transubstantiation. A Bill is introduced by Sir Colman
O'Loghlen to do away with this. Mr. Gladstone did
not oppose it, but would like to deal with all Oaths and
Declarations, en bloc, and so should we. It is certain that
they hamper only those whose sense of honour would,
without any such nonsense, keep them right.

Wednesday. The Bill for abolishing the tests that exclude
Dissenters from the M.A. degree at Oxford University,
and from its government, was eloquently moved by Mr.
Coleridge, in a maiden speech that exacted applause from
all sides. One of his points was that nobody could remain
a narrow-minded and acrid sectarian in presence of the
glorious architecture and stately traditions of the grand
old place. Mr. Trevelyan, nephew of Lobd Macaulay,
and honourably known as the "Competition Wallah,"
made an excellent speech for the Bill. Sib Staffobd
Nobthcote would admit the postulates but not the Dis-
senters. Mb. Henley thought that you might as well run
after a pig with a soaped tail down High Street, in the hope
of catching it, as expect good from mixed religious educa-
tion, an illustration which might have seemed a little coarse
from anybody but honest old grumbling Me. Henley.
Some Members laid stress upon the value of the present
system, as enforcing education based upon the Bible. But
we are unaware that it is a tenet of Dissent to repudiate
the Bible, and we have some idea that what Churchmen
consult as the best dictionary of the sacred volume has been
produced by a learned Dissenter, Dr. William Smith.
Mb. Lowe stood up stoutly for the Bill and much more,
and Mr. Goschen, Minister, wished to strengthen the
Church by freeing her from artificial supports. On division
the Exclusionists had 103, the Liberals 217.

Thursday. We believe that poor old Lord Westmeath
thinks that he is a Conservative, though he injures the
Peerage deeply by showing how very silly may be a man
who may yet be able to vote on a Bill affecting national
interests. Let him, therefore, oblige us by placing his
proxy in the hands of Lobd Debby, and by amusing him-
self for the future in some toy-shop, instead of the House
of,Lords. His remarkable demonstration to-day, ; when
complaining of street dangers, roused even the kindly Lobd
Stanhope. to call order. Westmeath wanted to "pole-
axe" the Home SECRETARY^because accidents occur. Not
that such accidents ought not to be noticed, and severe
measures taken. But there is such a thing as the accident
of birth, and sometimes its consequences are Westmeaths.

Eael Granville said that various excuses, but not
sufficient ones, had been given for the non-execution of the
Wellington monument. His promise was not very full of
brilliancy — he hoped that about August a model might be
sufficiently advanced to be visible.

The O'Donoghue was cool. He asked the Government
whether they did not think it would have a good effect to
let out any of the captured Fenians who could get bail.
The Attorney-General for Ireland did not think it
would„have at all a good effect, but intimated that any
Fenian, from America, who .had not been seized, and who
wished to bolt, might do so. Treason seems very funny to
certain Irishmen, but Englishmen have worked too long
and too hard for settled institutions and social peace, to
regard revolts as amusing matters. It may be well that
The O'Donoghue, and the Fenians in and out of gaol,
should, understand that if the Irish Government, instead
of only suspending the Habeas Corpus, chose to suspend
the violators of law, an amnesty for the act would pass as
rapidly as did the Act for the former purpose.

Mr. Whiteside made a long attack on the Government
in regard to the escape of the Head Centre. (If that man
has any remorse he will howlto hear that Mr, Punch daily
receives about sixty letters, enclosing the conundrum
about a hair-dresser being a head-scenter). He was duly

March 31, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

133

answered, and told by Sir Bober^ Peel that one of his insinuations
was mean and paltry. There was a row, but Sir Robert was
adjudged not to be un-Parliamentary.

Rather an interesting debate on the selection of architects to com-
pete for the Temple of Justice. The competition was to be limited to
six. Mr. Cavendish Bentinck beat the Government by 101 to 70,
and carried a resolution that such limitation was inexpedient. Mr.
Tite, who built the Royal Exchange, spoke out very gracefully, and
declared that he owed much of his own success in life to open compe-
tition. But he wished that the work had been put at once into the
hands of the ablest man in the profession. So would Mr. Punch wish
if there were an Ablest Man. Were a Sir Christopher or an Inigo
extant, there would be no difficulty. As it is, perhaps, if three able
men could be induced to go into partnership for the single purpose of
producing the Temple, the junction of positives might form a superla-
tive. But we fear that the men are only too positive for this.

Friday. Last night before our Easter holidays. The Chancellor
brought in the Bill for reforming the system of Capital Punishments ;
apropos thereof, Mr. Justice Lush has been awarding very capital
punishments indeed to a batch of scoundrel garotters at Manchester.
They have had sound floggings, and have bellowed like the cowards
such ruffians are. A graphic account of the operation might, with
advantage, be circulated in the form of a tract.

Lord Redesdale made an elaborate exposure of the manner in
which schemers get up Railway Companies, to the detriment of the
public. How many gentlemen who have fallen from honest poverty
into dishonest riches by such swindling must grin over their claret at
120$., when they read his Lordship's speech. The Senate adjourned till
the 12th of April.

In the Commons, Mr. T. G. Baring explained the precautions taken
before granting a licence to a Cabman. They are very stringent, and
all but useless. Among other testimonials, he has to prove that he
" knows the town well." In this very Lent moment we are sneezing
whenever we are not coughing, with an aggregate series of colds caught
by putting out our head in the wet to rave at blockheads for driving in
ridiculously wrong directions.

Some Government announcements brought the early Session to an
end. Mr. Gladstone, according to Mr. Disraeli, changed his front
in the face of the enemy. The Chancellor of the Exchequer, by
way of meeting the menacing tactics of friends and foes, consented to
promise that if the Reform Bill should be read a Second Time, he would
inform the House as to the intentions of Government with regard to
Re-Distribution, and Scotch and Irish Reform. He would do this by
Bills, which, however, he would not proceed with, until the Franchise
measure should be safe. Lord Grosvenor was advised to declare
himself dissatisfied, and to adhere to his motion. ,Mr. Disraeli
charged the Government with incessant change of op nion, with
timidity, and with precipitation; and toucbingly begged them to be
frank with the House. Lent has not produced the best effects in
senatorial tempers, and a good many bitter things were said. Mr.
Gladstone accused his opponents of regarding the Working Men, who
are "our own flesh and blood," as an Invading Army, and Lord
Cranbourne called this " sentimental rant," and reminded the House
that it was the Power of Taxation which it was proposed to transfer.
Mr. Hope said that Mr. Gladstone's language was either an appeal
to popular passion, or was simply rubbish. Mr. Eorster said that the
reference to taxation would make the masses believe that hitherto
taxes had been laid on for the benefit of the superior classes. Mr.
Goschen said that the City rule, in important matters, was never to
haggle. There was more of this sort of thing ; and the only point on
which all agreed, was to secure the Motion for Adjournment, which
was done by an ugly rush from dinners and cigars. The House of
Representatives then was Counted Out until the 9th of April, when we
meet for slaughter.

GOOSE AND SNAKE.

Mr. Tupper has written a Tragedy. The Saturday Review, of
course, hisses it. _ When any man publishes a play he must be prepared
for goose. The ridicule cast by the Saturday Review on Mr. Tupper's
tragedy will perhaps be not very generally considered unjust. But it
is one thing to cut up a book ; another to attempt to stab the writer.
The Saturday Review's criticisms of Raleigh conclude with the following
rather characteristic remark : —

" It is not even funny, and this marks a distinct decay in Me. Tupper's wonderful
powers."

The Editor of the Saturday Review should engage a gentleman to
revise his proofs.

Removal of Rubbish.

WANTED a few good STREET-SWEEPING MACHINES to clear
away the BETTING MEN and other HUMAN RUBBISH, that, contrary to
law, is found encumbering the pavement of Farringdon Street, and other public
thoroughfares in London, and constitutes a Nuisance that ought to be Removed
forthwith.

LITTLE BILL (Born a.d. 1866), and

BIG BILL (Born a.d. 1831).

(& ffiitalofrue.)

Little Bill. I say, big brother !

Big BUI. Brother P How now, Sir? Keep your

distance :
What Hop-o'-my-Thumb is this, that comes no higher than my shoe ?
Little Bill. I'm Little Bill, the child of Russell's age, — I want

assistance,
So I thought 'twas only natural I should apply to you.
Biff Bill. I doubt a blood relationship, so boldly though you claim

one :
Look at my thews and sinews, my proportions, and my size :
You 've but one leg to stand on, and that leg is a lame one,
And you 've but half allowance of arms and ears and eyes.
In short, to judge you frankly by limbs, looks, and proportion,
I must decline all brotherhood with such a mere abortion.
Little Bill. Oh, cruel brother ! what I want is cheering and not chaff

of you !
Big BUI. Then go back to where you came from, and fetch the other

half of you :
When you're all there— two legs, two arms, a whole head on your

shoulders —
I don't object to talk to you, in sight of all beholders ;
But in your present half-and-half condition of existence
I must decline to acknowledge you, much more to give assistance.
Little Bill {plaintively). Oh, this is hard — it 's very hard— and in my

heavy need, too !
When I so want an adviser, and a guiding hand to lead, too !
To raise a mere puff of fair wind, like that which filled your sails full,
To win a sprinkle of the praise, that was showered on you by pails

full !
When I ask aid from a brother, so much bigger, wiser, older,
Instead of a warm helping hand, to be treated to cold shoulder !
Big Bill {contemptuously). And what right, I should like to know,

have you to more from me, Sir ?
If you would thrive as I have thriven, what I was you must be, Sir :
Sprung, like Minerva armed at point, from the great brains that bore

me,
Child of true needs, and furnished for the work that lay before me.
What question might be made of me I stood four-square to answer,
A brawny babe, full-limbed and fair, the makings of a man, Sir !
So I was welcomed by the shouts or those who long had waited,
With joy proportioned to their hate who my appearance hated ;
And in the balanced joy and hate that raged about my cot,
Grim Revolution hovered outside, but entered not.
As that rude storm my cradle shook serene I lay and smiled,
And storm and smile alike foretold I was no common child.
Since then my life has well fulfilled the promise of my birth,
Till hate and joy have shaken hands, and all proclaim my worth.
But you, who crept into the world at a Royal Speech's tail, —
As four had done before you, abortions born to fail, —
Where was the joy or fear that hailed your coming into life ?
What storm-wind wrapt your cradle in elemental strife ?
When they stript off the swaddling clothes that kept you dark and still,
What was the cry ? " What this ! why this is only half a Bill !
Be your baby big or little, give us at least a whole one !
As for half Bills, it isn't worth the trouble to unroll one."
" Half a loaf" may be " better than no bread," if you will,
But certainly the proverb doesn't hold of half a Bill.
You may be, as you say you are, poor little Bill, my brother,
But I can't take one half's word for that until I see the other.
So, go back to those who sent you, and ere you ask my aid,
Beg them to make your other half, and come when that is made.

A LADY HEAD-CENTRE.

" Sister Davidoff, a nun of the Sacri Caur, who has been an inmate of the
Central House in Paris for the last 25 years, has just re-entered social life by par-
ticular indult of Pius IX. She is a Russian, and sister to the Marquise de Gabriac.
For many years past she has, it is said, been practically mixed up with aU the
goings on in domestic or fashionable life."

It would seem that rim n' 'est Sacre pour une nonne brandishing an
Indult. Pity Meyerbeer is gone, as he might have set the " Resus-
citation of a Nun," as a song for the Imperial charade-parties, e.g. : —

Although I 'm a nun,

I am fond of my fun,
Theresa's gay patrons my wishes consult ;

And excellent Pius,

Perceiving my bias,
Indulges my tastes with his holy Indult.

134

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 31, 1866.

LESSONS IN THE VACATION.

Public School-Man. " He-ar, Cabby, we 'll give you Eighteen-pence to take us to Brixton."

Cabby. " Well, I generally do carry Children 'alp price, but I 'm Engaged this Morning, Gents ! "

DON'T NAIL HIS EAR TO THE PUMP.

Some of our penny trumpets have been indulging in blasts of un-
wonted shrillness and sharpness, on the opposition from the Liberal
side of the House to the Bill of the Government for the lowering of the
franchise.

This is all fair enough, within limits. They may pitch into the Times,
and as much as' they! please. It amuses them, and doesn't hurt the
Times. They may describe Mr. Lowe as "hating the people" only
" less than he hates the parsons." Mr. Lowe is quite able to keep his
own head with his own hand. But what Mr. Punch complains of, is
that these " organs " should lump up all Liberals who object to deal
with an enfranchising Bill till they know what the Government purposes
as to the re-distribution of seats, under the same head with Mr. Lowe,
as "recreants," " renegadoes," "stabbers in the back," "traitors in
the camp," " miserable plotters," " wretched hirelings," and so forth.

When Lord Grosvenor announces his intention to move, on the
12th of April, " that this House, while ready to consider, with a view to
its settlement, the question of Parliamentary Beform, is of opinion that it
is inexpedient to discuss a Bill for the reduction of the franchise in
England and Wales until the House has before it the entire scheme
contemplated by the Government for the amendment of the representa-
tion of the people," Mr. Punch. feels himself obliged to say " ditto" to
Lord Grosvenor, because he feels that the motion is a perfectly rea-
sonable one, and expresses very exactly the feeling of nine out of ten
of the truest and wisest Reformers in the House of Commons, or out
of it. As Mr. Punch includes himself in this category, he feels bound
to protest against Lord Grosvenor's being bespattered with all the

Ehials of dirt that either Jupiter Junior or Vox Stettarum can empty on his
ead, because he has put into fwords what Mr. Punch honestly feels
to be truth and sound.'sense on the subject of a Beform Bill.

" Tool," " cat's-paw," " decoy-duck," are very pretty words to fling
at an opponent, but at all events they don't break any bones. But
when our youthful Jupiter threatens us with flood and earthquake,
typhoon and volcano-fire, as the consequence of postponing the
single-barrelled Bill of the Government till the other barrel is added

to it, we must protest, in the words of Horace, that the juvenile
Thunderer

" Per purum tonantes
Egit equos volucromque currum."

He is abusing his command of the celestial bolts, and rumbling and
rattling out of a calm sky, in which we look in vain for portents of the
terrors he piles up so liberally.

Mr. Punch must protest, still more emphatically, against such mis-
chievous and malignant fustian as this—

" Does Lord Grosvbnob flatter himself that the sons of millions of his fellow-
countrymen will leave his son in peaceful and tranquil possession of that colossal
wealth which they have themselves created, if he denies to them the exercise of
those first and just rights of citizenship— a deprivation of which, ever since the
days of the Greek Republics, has implied dishonour and disgrace ? Has he reflected
how easily unscrupulous and violent men will lash great masses of Englishmen into
a flame, by representing that the interests of great aristocratic houses, as inter-
preted by Lord Grosvenor and Lord Stanley, are in antagonism to the interests
of the people of England ? "

Everybody knows the old story of the Irish magistrate, who, seeing
his enemy, the bailiff, in the hands of the mob, called out, "Don't naU
his ear to the pump."

Mr. Punch is glad to think that the writers who try this sort of thing
will find it not quite so easy as they think for "unscrupulous and
violent men to lash great masses of Englishmen into a flame" by
exaggeration and bad logic. In the meantime, as Jupiter Junior, and
those who follow his lead, seem bent on putting to proof their powers
in this line, Mr. Punch can only hug himself in the quiet conviction that
all their efforts to distort objections to a half-and-half Reform Bill into
opposition to a complete one, will be unavailing, and that Liberals in
and out of the House will form and act up to their own views on the
subject, in despite of the truculent and impudent rhodomontade of
these most illiberal organs of "advanced opinion."

OOOD HEWS FOR THE SPIRITUALISTS.

In the Army Estimates for this year a sum was voted for disembodied
Militia.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON_CHARIVARI.-March^1,J866._

PUDDING BEFORE MEAT.

Easl Gb-v-s-*. "WHY, JOHN! BEEF BEFORE PUDDING!"
Dizzy. "HA! HA! WHAT AN ABSURD IDEA!"

March 31, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVAKT.

137

(i

WHICH OF YOU HAS DONE THIS?"

H yes, which of you,
you Quacks P Do you
think Punch is not
down upon you. You
humbugs !

In the Timed Second
Column appears an
advertisement pre-
tending to come from
a Hungarian Baron,
who is troubled with
lumbago, and who
begs that any person
who has been cured
of that disease will
kindly let him know
what remedy was
effective.

In a month or so,
we shall read another
advertisement from
some vendor of Quack
medicine or ointment,
referring us to the
Baron's case, and
perhaps containing
another letter from
him, full of thankful-
ness to Providence
and the Quack for
the remedy which
was kindly sent in
answer to his first
appeal. The Baron,
as a Christian and a
philanthropist, will
feel that he has no
right to withhold from his fellow creatures the glad news that there is
a cure for affliction like unto his.

Again we ask you, Quacks, who is it to be ? Puff, with his Uni-
versal Balm ; Bosh, with his Ubiquitous Essence of Hygeine ; Blare,
with his Solvent Unguent Sedative ; or Skunk, with his Akespho-
roscent Akesodunos ?

We shall look out for you, Quack, whoever you are.

A GIGANTIC SCOTTISH JOKE.

Scotland the Land of Cakes ? Nay, Scotland is the land of better
things than cakes. It was the partially happy remark of an Irish gentle-
man that to post a number of Punch to Edinburgh was sending coals to
Newcastle. The only mistake in what the O'Botherem meant to
express was that of regarding this periodical as a jocular publication.
But he was quite right in the point which he intended to imply : namely,
that Scotland is the Land of Jokes. And here is one of them : —

" The Chairman then proposed the toast of the evening — ' The health of Lieut.-
Gen. Ssie Hope Grant. (Great Cheering.)' He stated that his gallant friend had
descended from a very old iamily, whose name had been mentioned in Scripture ;
but, owing to the use of the letter i instead of the letter r, the name had been
altered, the passage in which it occurred reading now, ' There were giants in those
days,' when the word should have been 'Grants.' (Laughter.)''

This capital jok' was let off in St. James's Hall at a dinner given to
the gallant officer, on whose name it turned, to celebrate his appoint-
ment to the post of honorary Colonel of the London Scottish Rifle
Volunteer Corps. The utterer, and perhaps the author of the fore-
going wutticeesm according to the Post, was a noble lord, the
Lieutenant-colonel of the regiment. Hugh Miller, we know, was a
Scot ; and perhaps Scotland also claims his namesake Joseph. Not
that the joke above quoted about the Giants and Grants is an " old
Joe" by any means. On the contrary it is evidently a new Erank.
Seriously, however, we may remark that there appears to be a Scotch
version of the Mosaic Records. That of Genesis is above quoted. The
Scotch version of Exodus is the one cited by the Sabbatarians.

" The Rest is Silence.'

" A wedding recently took place at Aldborough Church at which the bride,
bridegroom, bridesmaid, groomsman, and two witnesses were all deaf and dumb."

Somebody, having threatened to write somebody's Life, was said to
have added a new terror to death. The above group have lost two
of the terrors of marriage. No scolding possible, and an inaudible
belle-mere.

QUERIES WITH ANSWERS.

Under this heading an able and useful contemporary hebdomadally
answers all sorts of questions on all sorts of subjects : explains the
origin of the custom of eating mince-pies at Christmas ; fixes the pre-
cise date when toothpicks were first used in England ; clears up the
mystery enveloping "Jack Robinson;" reveals the maiden name of
Shakspeare's godmother; settles the question of the authorship of
"Peter Piper picked a peck of pepper;" and displays generally an
amount of encyclopeediacal knowledge only to be out-done by the
erudition otMr. Punch himself.

To that last-mentioned oracle of universal learning, whose shrine is
in Fleet Street, questions are addressed every day and by every post,
on every topic that can disturb the brain or the temper, from cattle-
plagues to cosmogonies, from Reform Bills to Refuges ; and it is through
a desire to satisfy some of his most pressing querists that Mr. Punch
has determined from time to time to ease their minds, by laying the
questions they have raised and publishing them with his own answers
subjoined, selecting in the first instance a few miscellaneous dif-
culties (in the proportion of about one to a thousand of those sub-
mitted to him), for final and authoritative settlement.

" She never told her love." Shakspeare. — Is it known what was the
secret the lady shrank from disclosing to the object of her affections P

Stratforduponayoniensis.
[The older Commentators, Warburton, Johnson, Malone, Steevens,
"Orator" Henley, and Andrew Marvell are confident that
she referred to a Prior attachment to the head of a religious com-
munity. The modern critics, Dyce, Collier, Knight, Halliwell
Cowuen Clarke, Dr. Parr, and William Wilberforce,
are equally certain that she was alluding to false teeth. It is a moot
point, and will probably cause commentators not to speak to each
other for many generations to come.]

" Who first used the expression " to go the whole hog ? "

A Literary Porkbutcher.

[The great Bacon. See his life by George Selwyn, privately printed
at the Strawberry Hill press by Kitty Clive. It is remarkable
that the common phrase of "carrying coals to Newcastle" may
be traced to Bacon's shining rival— Coke.]

" Quotations Wanted : —

1. "And the grave is not its gaol."— A.n.n.i.e.

[Are you not misquoting ? You must mean a line in a well-known poem
by a celebrated American poet.]

2. " The glass of fashion."— Loudley Talkington.

[You will find it, by a careful search, in " The Mirrourfor Magistrates,"
written by the notorious Judge Jeffreys. See Sir William
Jones's Edition, Book xvin., canto lxxxix]

" Can you supply the exact derivation of the word Thraldom ? "

Asymptotes Grandiflora.

[First came into use when Dr. Johnson was so much under the in-
fluence of the clever and fascinating Mks. Thrale.]

" What is the Taliacotian operation ? "— Medicus Expectans,
[Ask your Tailor.]
" The Heir of all the Ages." Tennyson.— What is his exact legal status ?"

Lex.

[State us a case and we will answer it. One thing is clear. He would
be liable to Succession Duty — an immense sum. See Chitty and
Whitty's " Reports."]

" How would you define a first cousin once removed ? "

A Descendant of Bishop Cosin.
[As a relation who lives next door but one to you.]
" Where can I find an account of the oldest Almanacks ? "

Zadkiel Moore Murphy.
[In the Arabian Nights' Entertainments : see the Three Kalendars.]

" Can you, dear Mr. Punch, recommend me a Manual of Domestic
Medicine?"— A Young Mother.
[Yes : The Doctor, by Dr. Southey.]

" I often see the letters C.B. after the names of distinguished persons-
What do they signify ? "—Tyro.
[Cherry Brandy.]

" I have seen it affirmed that a celebrated French Marshal stated he
had been in the Peninsula in 1813-14, and in eleven battles, but never
saw the back of the British soldier. Can you tell me who the Marshal
was ? "—Cordial Intent.

[Marshal Magnan ; and very magnanimous it was of him to say it.
See the back numbers of the Family Stove.']

138

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 31, 1866.

HAIR-DRESSING BY ELECTRICITY.

Searching for the Simple Appliances of

The Middle Ages ;

Cur Artut

And encouraged by the Picturesque Garb
of the Modern Assistants —

Determines on having his
Hair dressed at last.

And away
Altogether

But after being brushed Up and Down —

Forwards— Backwards—

His Hair having been Parted
by a Galvanic Battery ;

He is ready for a Glass-case, a Band-box, or indeed anything
that will preserve him —

AS NEAT AS A NEW PlN.

March 31, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL

139

IT IS OFF WITH THE OLD LOVE, AND ON WITH THE NEW.

GUAED US FROM OUR GUARDIANS.

My Dear Brown,

Thanks to a casual revelation of its horrors, some attention
has been paid to our Poor Law system lately, and let us hope that
public notice may lead to public good. The nation has protested
through its mouthpiece, the Press, against the casual crowding of
Tiaked human beings in sties, where their humanity is speedily effaced.
Where the Poor Law offers shelter it must also offer decency, and must
provide inspectors to see that what it offers is properly supplied.

What manner of men, then, should we elect as Guardians, in order
that the Poor Law may be rightly carried out ? This, as you may
know, is the month for their election : and here are a few words
extremely apropos : —

" We have no hesitation in saying that there is a great deal of false economy
practised by some well-meaning guardians. The very meagreness of the relief
offered compels the recipient to apply again and again ; whereas a somewhat liberal
relief given in the first instance oftentimes prevents the necessity for a second
application. The .' house-test,' as it is called, is too often applied in cases where a
little out-relief would prevent them from becoming that which they too often do
become after entering the house — perpetual paupers ; for if once the threshold of
the workhouse-door be crossed, the workhouse dress assumed, and workhouse
society entered into, then are the seeds of pauperism sown, self-respect lost, and
independence destroyed."

Penny wisdom and pound folly is the voice and vice of Bumbledom,
Small shopkeepers are mostly now elected to be Guardians, and small
shopkeepers are usually not gifted with large minds. As Guardians,
who have the Poor Rates in their hands, they think a great deal more of
the rates than of the poor, and care not how they pinch the latter, so
the former are reduced. I thoroughly admit, therefore, that we have
had enough of them, and should most heartily rejoice to see them make
way for their betters, in the manner here proposed : —

" It would be well, therefore, if the ratepayers at the coming elections would
return gentlemen of respectability, possessed of intelligence and sound common
sense. They should be men who have time at their command, and willing to serve
the Union at any moment. Mere talkers are not wanted."

Respectable, intelligent, well-to-do, and full of zeal and common
sense, these, undoubtedly, are just the right men for the place. But
will they let us thrust the greatness of Guardianship upon them?

Will they condescend to do our Poor-Law dirty work for us ? Will
you, or I, give up our leisure and our brains to go inspecting work-
houses, and auditing accounts? Of course we shirk our duty if we
decline to act, supposing that the post of Guardian be offered us. But
we harden our skins somehow against the pricks of conscience, and turn
a deafened ear to the call of public duty. And, after a good dinner, we
prefer making inspection of the ash of a cigar, to making an inspection
of a Workhouse Casual Ward.

Instead, then, of small shopkeepers, I wish a few big Swells would
now and then consent to be Guardians of the poor, and thereby make
the office a fashionable post. There are Lords who are " respectable "
and not without " intelligence," and I believe that they have mostly
lots of " time at their command." We might do worse than beg of
them to do our Poor-Law work. Their taste for hunting might incline
them to hunt up pauper grievances, and run the varmint "Bumbledom"
once for all to earth. Instead of seeking some employment in directing
Joint-Stock Companies and managing hotels, let them [only condescend
to act as Poor-Law Guardians, and, depend, our workhouse system
would be speedily improved. You and I and others of the higher
middle classes would no longer stand aloof from undertaking Poor-Law
duties, when we found them undertaken by a Marquis or a Luke.

Yours serenely, Epaminondas Smith.

An Old Song.

A Contemporary announces that a new work by Mr. Frederick
Clat, the well known amateur composer, will be played very shortly by
some amateurs for a deserving charity connected with the Guards. The
operetta is called " Out of Sight." Surely the title is more suggestive
of a benefit connected with the Police ?

NO MORE SENSATIONISTS.

" A Supply of Natural Ink has been discovered near Buena Vista
lake, California." Over here with a cargo of it as quick as may be.
Who knows but that it may produce a supply of Natural Writers ?

University Intelligence.— The terms at Trinity will henceforth be
called "Thompson's Seasons." \

140

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Maech 31, 1866.

THE POLICE AND THEIR PENSIONS.

Although upon occasion be may poke a little fun at them, Punch,
as a Great Briton, is proud of his police. He knows them to be hardly
worked, and he cannot belp suspecting that they are hardly paid : and
if perchance they casually sup on his cold mutton, well— cooks will fall
in love with somebody or other, and, after all, it is a charity to help one
off with one's cold meat. As the song, a trifle altered, says : —

" With a helmet on his brow,"
And a truncheon by his side,
Forth struts the bold policeman,
Of Scotland Yard the pride !

Who can wonder that his whiskers should captivate the kitchen?
Who can wonder if flirtation, combined with a good supper, be a weak-
ness of the Eorce ?

Being thus inclined to look with favour on policemen, Punch regrets
to see a statement in the South London Chronicle that they are some-
what harshly dealt with in the matter of their pensions, as well as in
their pay. To their Pension Fund all constables are forced to be con-
tributors. (Doubtest thou, Sir Richard? "Thyself shalt see the
Act.") Every man Jack, or, rather, every man Bobby of them is
compelled by law to pay ; but when he wishes for his pension, it may
happen he won't get it. According to the Chronicle—

" The key to the regulations is supplied by the construction placed upon the Act
constituting the fund, and which provides that every constable must pay, while he
may receive some return. No sooner is a police constable morally entitled to a
pension by long service than he is subjected to a system of espionage. He has
served during a peiind of fifteen years, perhaps, and ought to have a pension of, we
will say, £20 per annum. He remains still in the force. To abandon his post would
be suicidal ; his superiors think him a faithful and most useful officer, and will not
accept his resignation. The wishes of his chiefs bind him with the force of law, and
he cannot afford to sever the connection upon which his slender chances absolutely
depend. But should he by some mishaplose the good opinion of his superintendent ;
or, duiing six years of further duty that should entitle him to a larger pension, be
reported upon by his sergeant, not only the advantage of his extra service, but the
benefit of the completed fifteen years is at once held to be forfeited."

This is bad enough for Bobby; but, if the Chronicle be trustworthy,
" worse remains behind : " —

" Nor is it only when a pension has been earned and purchased, that the proper
beneficiary is deprived of it. Pensions are given, and then exertions are made to
induce the pensioners to give up their certificates, and the ruse succeeding, all
proof of the grant is destroyed. Sick pay— supposed to be charged upon the Fund —
is doled out to invalids, who must submit to the torture of reporting themselves
for duty, and sinking upon their beats, again and again ; a refusal to attempt the
impossible task of doing duty in old age brings prompt dismissal, without a pension.
Full pensions have been actually granted, and have then been stopped, after efforts
to cajole from the men everything constituting legal evidence failed."

Punch sincerely hopes that somebody or other will contradict these
statements as speedily as may be, and forbears in the meanwhile from
making any comment on them. But should they pass unchallenged,
Punch must take them to be true ; and then his truncheon will be ready
to rap upon the knuckles all who have a hand in doling out the pensions
which are due to the Police.

GIANTS IN COUNCIL.

"At an adjourned meeting of the 'Reform League,' present, Captain Rooers,
Messrs. Odgers, Bubb, Gill, &c, &c, it was resolved that the Reform Bill, though
not meeting just expectations, should be supported as an instalment." — Star.

Odgers, Rogers, Bubb, and Gill,
Do not much appi ove the Bill :
Rogers, Odgers, Gill, and Bubb,
Will not give the Bill a snub.
Odgers, Gill, and Bubb, and Rogers,
Go for manhood votes, and lodgers' :
Rogers, Odgers, Bubb, and Gill,
Wait for something better still.
But, meantime, to aid it, club
Odgers, Rogers, Gill, and Bubb.

WHO ARE THE GREEN ?

We copy the following frantic address from the New York papers of
the 1st inst. -. —

" Head-quarters, Fenian Brotherhood, Niw York, March 1.

" Brothers, the timo for action has arrived. The habeas corpus is suspended in
Ireland. Our brothers are being arrested by hundreds, and thrown into prison.
Call your circles together immediately, send us all the aid in your power at once,
and in God's name let us start for our destination.— Aid — Brothers — help— for God
and Ireland. (Signed), " John O'Mahony."

" God Save the Green ! "

We have seldom met with a finer] piece of sarcasm than that con-
tained in the concluding aspiration, and no doubt Mr. O'Mahony
reckons it again and again, as he pockets the material aid furnished by
his deluded followers. Probably when the Fenian excitement is over
many a poor dupe will become well aware of the full significance of the
words, " God save the Green."

MUSIC FOR MISCREANTS.

After reading the subjoined announcement in the obituary of the
Times : —

" On th 20th instant, at 17, Great Cumberland Street, Hyde Park, after a
painful illness and acute suffering, brought on by injuries he received from thieves
in Bishopsgate Street in September last, John Sporgin, Esq., M.D., aged 69,"

— relief must have been experienced by every right-minded person who
also read, in the Manchester Examiner, the somewhat consolatory infor-
mation which follows : —

" Garotters under the Lash. — The garotters whom Mr. Justice Lush senten e
to the lash are being flogged in batches of four a-day."

Gratifying intelligence! Our Manchester contemporary, however,
does not stint us to a statement of the mere fact that certain garotters
are in course of being flogged, but further exhilarates us with the
details of their punishment ; telling us, first, that :—

" Yesterday George Jones, Richard Cole*, James Molloy, and Robert
Williams received — the first two, a dozen and a half each, and the last two a couple
of dozen each."

Eighteen lashes may be thought too few, and four-and-twenty not
many enough to make that impression which the cat-o'-nine-tails ought
on the only feelings that a garotter has ; but there are lashes and
lashes, and it is evident that the above-named rascals were flogged by a
strong arm, with a will : —

" The punishment was administered in the presence of the Governor of the New
Bailey, the surgeon, and two magistrates. The convicts all suffered severely, and,
with the exception of Jones, howled at the first half-dozen."

To anybody who heard them, with an ear for the music of humanity,
and a healthy feeling towards ruffians, their howling must have been
more melodious than an oratorio. Its effect, in fact, was great : —

"Williams, who came last, and had probably heard the yells of the others, was
moved partly by his apprehensions, and partly by the first fall of the lash, to com-
plain to the surgeon that he was suffering from palpitation of the heart."

If Mr. Williams had ever previously had the advantage of hearing
any such music as that which affected him so powerfully when he came
to hear it, he perhaps would, by its terrific influence, have been saved
from having to make any of it himself. Whereas, although his heart
very likely did palpitate with affright : —

" On being examined, he was found rather full in flesh, but quite well, and he
was accordingly sent back to the post — "

— to execute his own solo in due turn, to the great satisfaction of all
his hearers except those who were, doubtless, rather in&tructed than
pleased thereby.

Flogging has this great advantage over hanging, that it may be re-
formatory, and, if it is not so at once, may be repeated indefinitely.
There will, we trust, be no necessity for encoring the'garotters' involun-
tary vocal efforts at the whipping-post, for which thanks are^due to Mr.
Justice Lush. Eor, concludes the narrative of their castigation : —

"The Governor (Captain Mitchell) had visited each convict in his cell, and
considered the flogging had had a very salutary effect."

The salutary effect of flogging would be much increased if the music
which it awakes could be made to vibrate more extensively than it does
on the ears of brutal scoundrels. The spectacle of the process by which
the musical sounds are evoked, would enhance their efficacy. When a
garotter is sentenced to be flogged, the time and place of his destined
punishment should be advertised in low neighbourhoods. A select
number of savages might be admitted by ticket to see him suffer, and
hear him yell, and his whipping might take place close to the prison
wall ; so that the music that it would wring out of him might, being
audible outside, exert its subduing influence on the dangerous classes
assembled there.

TO DINERS-OUT.

It is stated in the papers that the Laureate's new Poem is on the
Death of Lucretius. Whether this be true or not is not of so much
consequence to you, Gentlemen, as the being able, when your pretty
neighbour asks you who Lucretius was, to offer her the information
required. Do not, therefore, say that he was, (as you probably imagine)
the husband of Lucretia. Mention that he was a Roman poet, born
95 B.C., and that he wrote a splendid philosophical poem, on the
doctrines of Epicurus, surnamed Rotundus. Add that he was driven
mad by a love-potion administered by a lady called Lucilta, for reasons
which Mr. Tennyson may possibly assign, and that he finished his
poem in that condition of mind, after which he is thought to have
destroyed himself. Here, certainly you may say, is a theme for another
great poet. Upon second thoughts, you won't be asked the question
now, as all good girls read Punch, but you may as well know a3 much
as your pretty neighbour.

Epitaph on a Physician. — He'survived all his patients.

April 1, 1866.J

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

HI

deterred by your menaces, but because I am in no mood
for jocularity.

Pray, Mr. Punch, suggest a remedy for our miseries, and
believe me, Your attached admirer,

A Citizen with Nekves.

[Does our Correspondent mean to say that the above
atrocities were perpetrated in first-class carriages ? If not,
the subject has slight interest for the Duke of Punch and
his aristocratic! readers. But, if such were the case, we
advise that the matter be brought before Parliament on
its re-assembling. Is it for this that Railway Tyranny is
permitted to ride rough-shod over the British hearth?
Meantime, have " City Gentlemen" no toes to their boots,
and have carriages no doors for the ejection of tormentors ?]

tt

SPOILING IT."

Lord Dalbley. "Wa-al, Streaky, why I've heard— ah— you 'be not goikg to
— (yawns) — have a Pict-iar at the Exhibition !"
Streaky, R.A. "Haw, very probably not, m'Lord. Well, I think it only —

AH— GRACEFUL, M'LORD, WE SHOULD OCCASIONALLY FOREGO OUR PRIVILEGED SPACE
FOR THE SAKE OF OUR YOUNGER PAINTERS — AH ! BESIDES — I QUESTION IF I SHALL
BE ABLE TO FINISH MY PUBLIC PORTRAITS IN TIME THIS YE-AR ! "

GROANS EEOM NOETH.LONDON.

Sib, Mr. Punch,

" Travellers all, of every station " (as Mb. Balfe sings), and I may
add, at every station, as naturally turn to you in the hour of their distress/as they
do in the hour of their joy. Hear a melancholy tale.

The scene is the North London Railway. On Monday' last, I got in at Stepney
(you have heard of the Bells of Stepnee, Sir, and that this is] erroneously supposed
to be the parish of all who are born at sea ?) that I might go to Highbury. I
suppose there is no harm in going to Highbury. "Whenever, as the Scotch
say, but I mean as soon as the train was in motion, a lad struck up"a tune on a
fiddle, and played three or four old airs very hurriedly and very badly, handed round
his cap, and got out at the first station we came to, to get into another carriage
and repeat the nuisance. Several city gentlemen complained most lustily against
such unwelcome visitors. I thought we were lucky to have got rid of him so
quickly. So I proceeded, in the best of temper, to Dalston, where, by some inge-
nious time-table planning, passengers have to change carriages, and wait ten or
fifteen minutes, i There we had a band of niggers, of whom I know that you are
intensely fond.

When at last a train did come, I found I had got into a carriage where there
was a man with a melancholy accordion. He played it, Sir, and begged. Do
you like accordions, Sir? It happens that I don't. Do you like beggars, Sir?
I don't.

Well, Sir, the next day, going in an opposite direction on the same line, I had
to change my seat three times to avoid the same wretch, with the same instru-
ment of torture. Again I found myself on the Dalston Junction Platform,
where the previous days' entertainment was varied by having, instead of the
niggers, a little boy and girl, aged about five and six respectively, with a whistle
and some other instrument. Anything more horrible than the noise they made,
I cannot conceive. It must have been instantly fatal to any quantity of old
cows. I abstain from interpolating a Rinderpest joke, it is not because I am

THE EIGHTS OP THE WORKING MAN.

About the question of Reform,
The public mind appears lukewarm,
And seems to doubt the pending plan
Of extension of the suffrage for the Working Man.
Sing hey, the British Working Man !
Sing ho, the British Working Man !
Extend the suffrage all you can,
By the rule of fair proportion, for the Working Man.

The Working Man ! but who is he,
And differs, how, from you and me ?
All men's conditions if you scan,
There.is hardly any fellow not a Working Man.
Sing hey, &c.

The Working Man, so called, is one
Whose labour by mere hand is done ;
An Operative, Artisan,
Or Mechanic, is distinctively the Working Man.
Sing hey, &c.

We lately heard the Working Men
Called " fellow-creatures," but, what then ?
Why, so 's the grinning African !
That was giving little credit to the Working Man.
Sing hey, &c.

A good Reform Bill would be meant
All classes well to represent,
But not to give a larger than
His due share in Legislation tothe Working Man.
Sing hey, &c.

Por him taxation is no joke,
It falls upon his drink and smoke ;
The Income Tax but just began,
In a measure, .to exonerate the Working Man.
Sing hey, &c.

There's no prerogative in hand,
Of horny palm to rule the land ;
No virtue drawn from putty, tan,
Bricks and mortar, glue, or sawdust by the Working Man.
Sing hey, &c.

Above his last, a Cobbler may
Have something in the State to say,
A Tinker, too, above his pan ;
So a hand in making laws allow the Working Man.
Sing hey, &c.

But handicraftsmen's upper hand,
Will never do to rule this land.
Shall we still match in Freedom's van ?
Then we never shall be governed by the Working Man.
Sing hey, &c.

Talking to the Eye.

A Mb. Bell, of Edinburgh, has invented a phonetic
alphabet, the signs of which can be made to constitute visible
speech. This kind of speech will, for the purposes of
argument and persuasion, have a peculiar advantage. Say
what you will in visible speech, everybody will be^sure
to see it.

VOL. L.

142

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 7, 1866.

PUNCH AND POLYPHEMUS AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE.

ats off, Gentlemen —
a Genius ! " quoth a
friend of Robert
Schumann, when in-
troducing some new-
music by Chopin, the
composer.

Well, if one is to
take one's hat off in
reverence to Chopin,
one ought to go upon
one's knees, at least,
when hearing Han-
del. So, open Sesame,
young Cerberus, and
let me squeeze in
somewhere to perform
my genuflexion, if you
can't find me a seat.

Thus spoke the
Great Punch at the
Little Handel Fes-
tival, which was held
the other day in the
Crystal Palace Con-
cert-room ; and his
magnificent humility
so moved the stern po-
liceman that an extra
chair was placed, on this occasion only, in the gorgeous private box.

My eye, what a crowd ! was Mr. Punch's classic thought, as he placidly surveyed
the worshippers of Handel, who had made a special pilgrimage, all the way to
Sydenham, to listen to his songs. Three thousand chairs at least were all as full as
coat-tails and crinolines"could make them, and there were hundreds of legs standing
at the sides and in the doorways, that the ears which they belonged to might hear
Acis once again.

Once again ! ah, yes, alas ! oimi ! eheu fugaces ! I remember, I remember,

years ago at Drury Lane, Once I heard delightful Acis —
now I hear it once again. Priscilla Horton then was
Acis, and how sprightly she was looking, and how splen-
didly she sang ! Aid how all the town was talking of the
Clarkson Stanfield scenery, and especially the moving
waves that, with innumerable murmurs, broke upon the
stage ! By Jove, too, I remember that dear glorious old
Stannt did it all for love, and wouldn't take a penny from
Macready for his work. I should like to see such artists
now-a-days, by Jove! To show my admiration, I'd let
'em draw for Punch upon precisely the same terms !

Thus prattling to himself, Mr. Punch, had no great
trouble in employing the few minutes ere the overture com-
menced. Then for an hour and three-quarters, excepting
to cry " Bravo.! " once or twice to Polyphemus, he never
spoke one word. Intenius aures tenebat, and he sucked in
the sweet sounds as greedily as aldermen might swallow
those of !codfish. With a fair quartette of singers, and a
not too noisy band, his rapturous enjoyment was undis-
turbed throughout, until the final chorus, when some fiends
in human form came pushing at his knees in their snobbish
scramble out. Mr. Punch intends to stamp out these offen-
sive pests, and he was pleased, to put his loot down on the
dress. of one vile snobbess, to whom he offers no apology
for the sounding rent he made. One male snob feebly
pleaded that he had to catch a train to take him home in
time for dinner ; as if a man had any right or reason to
feel hungry,'1 after H such a feast of the " rare roast beef
of music " as"old Handel had been giving him ! Better
starve, than scramble, snob. Hunger is surely no excuse
for selfish rudeness.

At Sydenham every Saturday, by paying half-a-crown,
you may enjoy^a charming Concert, which, a score of years
ago, you must have paid a'guinea for. " Think of that,
Master Brook," as you sit over your claret; and drink
success to Mr.vManns, the Crystal caterer of music. Re-
membering how many pleasant afternoons we owe to him,
Mr. Punch,'who has not " shwored off" yet, will join you
in the toast. Mr. MANNS,',Sir, here is your goot health
and all your vamily's, and may your pleasant Winter Con-
certs live long-while and prosper !

PAST AND HUMILIATION;

OR, SICK BEASTS v. SICK PAUPERS.

" Past and humiliate yourselves, to avert the wrath of Heaven ! "
How ? As we 're used to fast in Lent, and pray one day in seven ?
The fast, that means our usual meal, plus salt-fish and egg-sauce ?
The prayer, that 's three parts Sunday clothes, farniente, and, of course,
The form prescribed by authority, and the lessons of the day P
As the Pharisees must have fasted, and the Scribes been used to pray ?

Is this " a fast unto the Lord ? " Is this a bowing down
To take the sharpness from his scourge, the blackness from his frown ?
Are these fine clothes the sackcloth that repentant Sin should wear ?
These scents and dyes the ashes that should stain the sinner's hair P
Has Burlesque the Church invaded, having outgrown the play,
Till parsons act, and Punch expounds the Lessons of the Day ?

The Lessons of the Day ? Yes, my brethren, let 's give heed

To their letter and their spirit, that e'en those who run may read :

Where are these Lessons written ? In;the stock-pen, or the byre P

In steamers' holds, where cattle in foul air and filth expire ?

In the sheds where milk.'s made out of grains, and fever out of muck ?

In the heat and thirst and^torture of, the seething railway-truck?

There are lessons here, my brethren — lessons we sorely need —
They are not pleasant reading, but should profit jis to read.
Cruelty falls in curses, as mountain-mist in rain ;
Our cruelty to cattle falls in curse of plague and blain :
But the real "Lesson of the Day's" on " cruelty to man,"
And must be read in workhouse ward, not in hold, byre, or van.

Rare matter here for fasting — not in the salt fish style :
Ground for humiliation — not in broad-cloth and three-pile ;
Here 's misery of our making, or permitting man to make,
That must awaken wrath in God, if God hath wrath to wake.
Here 's plague, with stench its sire, filth and foul air its mothers —
Here 's " cruelty to animals " — those animals our brothers !

There is no lack of these lessons, our newspapers they crowd ;
Reports, inquiries, inquests, leading articles are loud ;
John Bull reads, blushes, shakes with rage or sickens, and so flings
The horror off, and turns the page, and reads less shocking things.
But there's a sheet where such things stand for judgment by-and-by,
Not for slashing social leader, or short sensation cry.

To-day it is a pauper's persistence not to die ;

The hard short bed,: where aching bones and sloughing sores must lie:

The vermin, fat mid hunger,, waxing ripe on human rot :

The ailment nursed as carefully as he that ails is not :

The pauper nurse, the slattern meal, chance-medley, draught or pill,

Till acute disease grows chronic, and a scratch gains strength to kill.

To-morrow, some new misery of untended slow decay,

Till of a living pauper grave-maggots make their prey :

Visiting Guardians arrive — quick, ere they pass the doors,

Have the filth swept below the beds, the sheets drawn o'er the'sores !

Let another death-struck pauper, braving wrath of master, nurse, and

Board,
Reveal the festering horrors of a St. Giles sick ward.

Or 'tis a" dying wretch, turned out just on the edgeof doom,
To the winter cold and darkness of the old men's common-room.
l\B.e groaned and coughed— most of us groan and cough— the groans

grew low,
We heard a rattling inlhis throat, but the door was locked, you know.
One had a candle-end and match — against the rules, 'tis true —
And by its light we found him dead— but what use to make ado ? "

Now 'tis a babe, the child of shame, forsaken and foredone ;

The pauper wet-nurse has her own, and her milk is scant for one.

" 'Tis dead ! "— " No, 'tis so slow to die ! "— " For the grave let 's have

it drest ! "
" What 's the odds of a few minutes ?— Who 's Hillocks, to protest,
And disturb the lady-matron while she has friends to tea,
All because little Green ain't dead when dead she ought to be ! "

Past and humiliation ! Because our cattle die,

Because beef 's up at Leadenhall, we raise our helpless cry !

And all this misery round us, whereof we know the seed,

Not in God's mysterious judgments, but our own neglect and greed.

Down on our knees, or, better far, up to our feet, like men, '

Blush that such things have been, and swear they shall not be again !

Opera Reform.

The greater part of the Pit at the Opera was some years" ago con-
verted into stalls. There may be no necessity to lower the franchise
for admission to the Opera House, but could there not be a Re-Distri-
| bution of Seats P

April

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

143

SCEPTICAL BEAUTY

OR, A DRAMA OF DOUBT.

Distinguished man of science, to
whom the world has much
reason to be grateful, and by
the side of whom the most emi-
nent men may feel their infe-
riority, Professor Huxley, has
recently been teaching that
there is but one kind of know-
ledge, and but one way of ac-
quiring it, that that way of
acquiring knowledge makes
Scepticism the highest of du-
ties, all faith being described as
' blind ' which accepts anything
on any kind of authority but
that of scientific experience.
Imagine the child doubting
whether it ought to trust, and
the woman whether she ought
to love till scientific habits of
mind had verified the creden-
tials ! "—North British Review.

" And wby shouldn't we
imagine it ? "—Punch,

Scene — An elegant draw-
ing-room. Time, Afternoon.
Isabel, a young lady, is
discovered, reading. She occasionally glances at the clock on the
mantel-piece. Her beautiful little dog, Tatters, is on the rug.

Isabel. They are all gone out. I hear the wheels of the departing
carriage. Stay. Mamma may have only said that she was going, and
may be watching in the library, ready to pounce upon dear Augustus.
(Rises and goes to window.) The carriage is certainly gone, if I may
accept the evidence of my eyes, the double reflection upon the retina,
uniting into one image. But for the library. I must investigate.
(Goes. Tattebs icaits her exit, then tears a book to pieces, and returns to
the rug, pretending to be asleep. She re-enters.) No. But where is the
second volume of Falkner lyle? Tatters, you bad dog, this lis your
doing. Don't be a naughty little hypocrite, but "come to his Missis.

Enter Augustus, in elegant morning dress,

Augustus. Am I not punctual, dearest Isabel ?

Isabel (looking at clock, and at her own watch). Yes, dear Augustus,
allowing for the variations of ordinary watches, you are. Why you
should be punctual, why you should be here at all (sadly) are unsolved
problems. Mamma has signified that she disapproves of your attentions,
and 1 must in future refuse to see you.

Augustus (dejectedly). Yet you called me dear.

Isabel. It is a word of common use, and implies that in the absence
of certainty, I think you preferable to the rest of my acquaintance.

Augustus. Let certainty be no longer absent. I love you. My father
is rich, and lives but to oblige me. My sisters are the best girls out,
and are dying to be your sisters. I would strew the path of your life with
flowers, and make every new day happier than the last. The least of
your wishes should be — (kneels, and Tattebs bites his leg). Confound
you, you little beast, I should like to — (rubs his leg) — I beg your pardon,
dearest, but his teeth are as sharp as the de , as needles.

Isabel (mournfully). Is it worth while, Augustus, to test your other
statements, when a trifle like this discloses your falseness P

Augustus. My own Isabel, it was love that made me angry, for if
that little angel should be mad, and I should sink into an early
but suburban cemetery, what hope should I have of ever calling you
mine ? Answer, dear.,

Isabel (smiling). Your logic pleases me, I own. But, Augustus, pardon
me if I analyse your propositions. You state that you love me. Let
us pass over that for the moment, and investigate your second allegation.
You say that your father is rich. I own that he is a courtly and
charming gentleman, and his beard is beautiful, though probably dyed.

Augustus. I assure you, no.

Isabel. I reverence your filial faith, though it is baseless. You have
hardly examined his toilette table, and if you had, the absence of
colouring fluid might only show that he is dyed at his hairdresser's.
But this is a trifle. How do you know that he is rich ?

Augustus. You have been a welcomed guest in Norfolk Square. You
see how we live.

Isabel. His taste and hospitality prove his education and generosity,
but may also prove that he is living over his income.

Augustus. I see his bankers' book. His income is £5000 a-year above
his expenses.

Isabel. I rejoice, for your sake, but where does he put his money?
Bankers fail.. Shares are depreciated. Companies burst.

Augustus. How right you are, but he has faith in Consols only.

Isabel. Purchased by himself? Brokers too; often take a client's
money and spend it, paying him the income, and so preventing suspicion.

Augustus. I have been with him to the Bank, and seen him take the
dividends on £90,000.

Isabel. Lately, darling?

Augustus. Paradise is in the last word, and the last date was in January.

Isabel. He may still have sold out, but I do not like to believe it, and
the next thing, my Augustus, is, am I to believe you ?

Augustus. About my love, or about the Consols ?

Isabel (playfully). Have I not said that we will assume the love, for
the sake of argument only ? Yet why should I ? You are handsome

Augustus. " I would, of course, seem so to you," as the Angel in the
House says.

Isabel. Nay, you are. And your manners are pleasant. Perhaps you
have vanity, and would please many. I did hear something about the
Guards' Industrial Home performances and Miss Louisa Pollenfobd.

Augustus. And you believe it ?

Isabel. No, I believe nothing which is not proved, but given blue
eyes, a fair complexion, and a lisp, and your own declaration (a year
ago, I allow) that you liked a lisp, and you will admit that I have
evidence worthy of examination.

Augustus. Granted, sweet analyst, but I dispose of it by stating that
the Polleneobds all left town four days before the Guards' night.
Assuming that I can prove this- —

Isabel. Then another question arises — what is your interest in being
so well informed of the movements of that family, Augustus ?

Augustus. Simply that my brother Reginald is spoons on Lauba,
the second girl, and bores me eternally with her sayings and doings.
Is Louisa eliminated ?

Isabel. I am too easily convinced, where my heart is interested.
[Augustus makes a rapid motion to kiss her hand, and Tattebs
makes a rapid snap at his other leg.

Augustus. No, you didn't. Isabel, why does your dog hate me ?
Would I could accept the omen I might deduce from his jealousy.

Isabel (caressing Tatters.) He waz a zittle duck, he waz.

Augustus (spitefully). That zoological confusion is unworthy your
intellect, Isabel. How can a dog be a duck ?

Isabel (archly). My Augustus, you do not suppose that I really mean
that he is one of the Anatidm, though he swims so .well that we might
call him one of the Natatores.

Augustus. Forgive me. I also can swim. Call me a duck.

Isabel. I know another bird to which I might compare a gentleman
who is envious of a poor little doggie-woggie.

Augustus. The reproof is just. I am penitent. Now, dearest Isabel,
be true, and trust to my overcoming your Mamma's dislike ?

Isabel. Your tone is grave and earnest, Augustus, and though this
may be assumed (for I have seen how well you play in private theatricals)
I will think you serious, and will answer seriously. How can I know
that you love me ?

Augustus, Have I not said and sworn it a hundred times ?

Isabel. An unworthy reply, dear Augustus, to a pupil of Peofessob
Huxley, but I am sure — at least 1 think— that you do not mean to
insult me.

Augustus. You know that I would shed my heart's blood for you — in
proof, has not Tattebs just bit a piece out of my leg ? I would take him
in my arms, but that he would also bite my nose.

Isabel. I think that you like me. Why should you not ? I am called
pretty, and I have some intellect. We have a baronet in the family,
and we know very good people. Papa is not rich, but he is a Member
of Parliament, and you are a barrister for whom he could get something
from Ministers. And you say, Sir, that you now like dark eyes.

Augustus. Now and for ever, to say nothing of a Grecian nose, and a
sweet voice, and the most graceful figure that ever

Isabel (smiling). Ah! Augustus, when you flatter the jury your
evidence is weak. How can I trust your assertions, which may be
made in good faith, but which may be the reverse ?

Augustus (haughtily). I will be trifled with no longer. One last appeal,
Isabel, and you are mine — or I leave the house for ever.

Isabel. Your manner frightens me, but j et I have strength to protest.
Violence is not argument.

Augustus. I am not violent. But I will give you one proof that I am
a man to be trusted, and, if this fails, farewell for ever, loveliest but
most sceptical of angels.

Isabel (agitated). Speak, speak, Augustus!

Augustus (solemnly). I am a regular and diligent student of Punch.

Isabel. I am yours.

Augustus. Ecstasy !

Isabel. But, my own one, for my own character as a Huxleian, I
must even; have this proved. May I question you on the contents of
his last six numbers ?

Augustus. Willingly. But it must not be a Competitive Examina-
tion. Have I a rival ?

Isabel. Dearer to me for that doubt, for once accept an unsupported
allegation. You have no rival, except Tattebs. Now, Sir.

[The curtain falls as Isabel, seated close beside Augustus, (Tattebs
growling horribly,) points out the last Cartoon, and smilingly
desires him to explain its merits.

144

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Apeil 7, 1866.

"CHILDREN AND FOOLS SPEAK TRUTH."

Mamma. " Now, is there Anything Else I want ? "

Alice {who has watched the toilet proceeding with interest and curiosity). "The Body, Mamma."

MITTIMUS EXTRAORDINARY.

A Policeman disguised in plain clothes lays violent hands on a
gentleman whom he mistakes for a thief, and is himself mistaken for a
thief by that gentleman, who stabs him, acting, as he supposes, in self-
defence. The gentleman is taken to Greenwich. Police-court, remanded
for six weeks, and (finally committed for trial, at the Old Bailey, by
Mr. Traill, who makes a speech, wherein he says that :—

" From the time of the first hearing his opinion was, that the case was of such
general public importance that it ought properly to be sent to another Court, and
this should be done in order that some expressions of the Judge before -whom it
■would have to be tried might be elicited in reference to the employment of police-
men in plain clothes ; for until this were done there would be no alteration."

Of course, the expediency of eliciting some expressions of opinion
from a Judge about a questionable practice, is a very good supple-
mentary reason' to theonly sufficient one for sending a man to be tried
on a criminal charge ; that is to say, the condition that the charge itself
is tenable. Who can doubt that Mr. Traill was satisfied that the
charge on which he committed ,Mr. Ferguson was one which ought,
per se, to go to a jury ? Nobody, perhaps, who has not read what Mr.
Traill is reported to have proceeded to say : —

" There had been in the present case what might be termed a double mistake —
a mistake on the part of the constable in supposing the prisoner to have stolen
property in his possession, and a mistake on the part of the prisoner in supposing
the constable had stopped him on the highway for the purpose of robbing him. He
had, over and over again, in that Court thought it his duty to caution constables in
plain clothes as to the manner in which they performed their duties, telling them
that something serious would happen, by which they would suffer, and which it
would be difficult to punish. The result of the trial would probably be the acquittal
of the prisoner, but for the reason he had stated he thought it right on public
grounds, and with the desire of the Police Commissioners, to send the case to the
Sessions."

In the opinion of [Mr. Traill, there had been, in the case before
him, what^might be termed a double mistake — had there ? Other people
will perhaps be rather inclined to consider that the mistake was triple ;
there having been not only the mistake of the constable, and that of the
prisoner, but also the mistake of the Magistrate ; a mistake, and a very

great mistake, made in committing a man to be tried for a crime on a
ground that had nothing, to do with the question of his guilt or inno-
cence. Who is to reimburse Mr. Ferguson for the legal expenses
which Mr. Trail has obliged him to incur, to say nothing of the
annoyance and anxiety which he has inflicted on him, merely to the end
that expressions in reference to the employment of policemen in plain
clothes may be elicited from a Judge ? What opinion can be elicited
from a Judge other than that, if policemen disguise themselves, and act
in such a manner as to cause themselves to be mistaken for garotters,
they must take the consequences ? Could not Mr. Traill have said
as much as that himself?

Por once a case has arisen which proves the possible use of a Metro-
politan Grand Jury. The bill against a prisoner who, in the opinion of
the Magistrate that committed him, deserves to be acquitted, will surely
be thrown out, and perhaps also some expressions in reference to his
commitment will be elicited from the gentlemen whose business it is to
take care that nobody shall be wrongfully placed in the dock.

FIGURE AND PACE.

Of the following maxim (which we find in a review in the Star) we
cordially approve : —

" A man who aspires to be an artist of the highest class ought to understand that
true art has no business with the hideous."

But just you wait until the Academy opens, and the "Portraits of
Gentlemen" and "Ladies" are revealed. Ho amount of hideousness
will deter an artist from depicting a Guy, if the Guy, or his admiring
friends, can pay a high figure for the high art. We shall illustrate
this fact, when we shall have gone through the Exhibition. Smirking
and scowling parties, look out, if you have been " making 'Art ' hideous."

The Sceptic's Paradise.— Chateau D'If.

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

147

j

\

I

READING AND RUNNING.

Off, the comfort and luxury of .travelling in these times of daily,
hourly improvements ! Specially night-travelling. What equals the
repose of the steady, equal-going "Express" on any narrow gauge?
How you can throw yourself back, and lounge as if you were in your
old arm-chair at home, where your grandfathers sat, as the song says.
How speedily the dull, night is whisked away, while one can read awhile
by the bright light, invariably provided by the company for every car-
riage, or write notes, or draw, or sleep, just as the fancy may take you.
Permit me to give an idea of the almost inappreciable comfort of a
journey to Liverpool (for instance), or
Holyhead ; that is, a five, six, or seven
hours' journey. Night is coming on,
and you have provided yourself with
various papers, which you will now (you
have said to yourself cunningly) have an
excellent opportunity of reading. You
want to make extracts, and have taken
care to bring a note-book and pencil.
You start before daylight has deserted
London, and, after arranging yourself in
your rug, and placing your feet gingerly
upon the hot-water bottle, you will get
out your papers, and, congratulating
yourself upon your forethought, will com-
mence your perusal.

As a beginning, of course, you ge^
hold of the supplement of the Times,
and are frightened lest the readable part
should have been accidentally, or de-
signedly, omitted, j You find it, however,
and probably look round on your com-
panions as if expecting their congratu-
lations. With a feeling of disappoint-
ment at being unable to attract any
notice, you unfold the paper, and, first
of all, light upon " Army Intelligence
from the Gazette," which you don't
want to see. Your eye is next attracted
by a paragraph about "Gigantic Hail-
stones in Normandy," half of which you
read before it occurs to you that what
you really do want to see is the Leading
Article. This, in consequence of some
previous vagary on the part of the paper-
boy, entails much struggling in unfolding
the news-sheets. It is.difncult to execute
this feat without grazing your opposite
fellow-traveller, or digging your elbow
into the ribs of the gentleman on your
left or right hand, as the case may [be.
As you go through the process, you
mentally determine that, for the future,
you'll never travel without a' paper-
knife. Of course, you've often said
yeu'd get it, but never have as yet.
Having made enemies of every one in
the carriage by this proceeding, you look
round, perfectly ready to scowl and be
defiant, but meeting with no open hostile
demonstration, you will attack the Lead-
ing Article. In attempting this, you will
be led astray for a second or two by the
attraction of the Theatrical Advertise-
ments. These you will renounce with
the pomps and vanities of this world, and
settle yourself upon the serious business

of the Article. JBy this time, however, the train- has got "up' its steam,
and you are at full speed. What reading was when you started, is not
what reading is now. The train is wobbling, as if every minute it
would be off the line, and (running over the embankment on its own
account. You try to console yourself with the idea that this won't last
long, and somebody gravely remarks that " there 's some inequality in
the line here," whereupon his fellow-travellers ascribe to him a wonder-
ful knowledge of engineering, and decline any discussion with such a
gifted being. They believe less in him as they find. the inequality con-
tinues, and have set him down for an arrant pretender before the expira-
tion of the next half-hour. The wobbling, increases : if it wasn't for the
arms to the seats you 'd be banged up against one another. The first
question is, therefore, how to sit still ? If you settle yourself in the
centre of the seat, with an elbow on each arm-cushion, and your two
hands holding the paper before you, you will find that you have lost all
control over your head, which waggles about as if you were teaching a
piping bullfinch to sing.

You want to read this paragraph •. —

" If Austria had justly appreciated the policy of Prussia, she might have satisfied
herself that the latter would not be contented with a divided sovereignty in the
territory which she had risked so much to acquire."

You go at it with a will

"had justly appreci '

and letters all together, and runs

You cling to " If Austria," and are mastering

when a violent wobble shakes up the words

you into "a divided sover-

The paragraph will come out slowly in this form : —
Yourself {reading to yourself). " If Austria had just " (bump into the

third line) " divided sover" (You try back, and, after some difficulty,

find the first word, with which you grapple?) " If Austria had justly appre-
ciated the" (bump, lurch into, third line
— r again) "divided sovereignty " (Your-
self to yourself .) Confound that divid

(Bump. You begin at " justly.") _ " Justly

appreciated the pol "(bump into third

line) " divided sov " (bump, and lurch

into five lines ahead) " Schleswig, Kiel "
(You look for the word "justly" again,
by way of a landmark). "Justly" (terrific
lurch sends you into another column) " Mr.
O'Mahony, on the other hand, and

General " Oh, that's about the

Fenians ! (You determine to read about

Fenians). "Mr. O'Mahony and "

(bump back again into first column)

" Prussia have satisfied that -"

and, finally, you give it up as a bad job.

Daylight fails, and is succeeded in
the first-class carriage by the cheerful
oil-lamp. You try your paper once again.
The exertion of holding it close to your
eyes, and as near the lamp as possible,
is too much, not to mention that you
have still to attempt some counteraction
of the wobbling of the carriage. If you
try to make notes while in the rail-
way, the effort to decipher them after-
wards will give you a wearying headache.
Gentlemen Directors, if you can't stop
the wobbling, at all events you can light
up your carriages, in order that those,
who have to run, may also be enabled to
read.

PUNCH'S LEGISLATIVE MYSTERY.

"HERE YOU AKE, SIR!"

" A Disappointed Candidate " asks,
apparently with some groundless suspicion
that he has been hoaxed, if we can
"quote any ipassage from a Latin poet
showing the antiquity of the Shoe-
brigade." Of course we can. Curiously
enough, the line (no doubt) referred to
was upon our lips only the other day,
when we] heard (an old gentleman, a
stranger to London, railing [ because he
" couldn't walk a hundred yards without
being pointed at — pointed at, Sir — by a
parcel of dirty rascals, that bawl at you
as if you did not know where you were."
Here was an illustration of the truth that
a liberal education softens the manners !
If that old gentleman had read his Per-
sitjs, it would have touched him to think
how the race he was maligning, gazed —
probably unabashed — upon a Nero, as
he walked the streets] of Rome ; and how the cynical stoic frankly
avowed his delight in their little ways and their peculiar cry, which
have come down to us, unchanged, through eighteen centuries. But
in vain we murmured in an unclassic ear —

" At pulchrum est dicjito monstrari, et dicier ' Hie es.' "

Those fingers— to which perhaps the feet of Virgil owed that exqui-
site polish which distinguishes them even now — were dirty fingers to
him, and nothing more.

Happening to mention this incident, for the sake of its admirable
moral, to our boy in the Sixth Form, we were assured by him that he
had read the First Satire, and that the fine ended, not with es but with
est. Very possibly a t has crept into the Harrow edition. Boys are
careless with their books ; and who would reject a version of a remark
made 1800 years ago— a version whose truth is strikingly corroborated
by the admitted usage of our own day— because it does not coincide
with another version "to a t?"

148

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Apeil 7, 186G.

SELF-SACRIFICE.

Tom {To his little Cousin Reginald, who only came this half, and whom he
diligently takes care of). " Hullo, Reggy ! what a' you got there ? An Orange ?

WHY THE MOST BEASTLY UNWHOLESOME THING YOU CAN EAT ! — 'T ANY RATE, GIVE 'S
HOLD AND LET 'S SQUEEZE THE NaSTY J DICE OCT FOR YOU !"

THE BOAT RACE.

Crown them with bay — the victors —
For well they 've earned their place :

Crown them with bay, Dame Fortune-
Thy favourites in the race.

But when the shout has died away
That hails the conquering crew —

Up, Cantabs ! raise as loud a cheer,
To greet your drooping blue.

The Laurel-crown and bay-wreath

Are fair — but fairer still
Are patience, pluck, endurance, —

A firm unflinching will.

Some say that there are cravens,
Who '11 fight when victory's sure ;

But give me those who love success,
And can defeat endure.

Who still were staunch and steady,
Though not the conquering crew :

When other hearts were failing —
True Cantabs and true blue.

SPEECHES_BY AN OLD SMOKER.

Don't you marry for money, Sir, without taking care
to have it settled on the survivor, and also being sure that
the affection on which you calculate is organic. Even in
that case you may have a long time to wait. It is aston-
ishing how many years some ladies, old ones too, will con-
tinue to enjoy ill health.

Never try to explain to a woman what she is unwilling to
understand. She will only think you very cruel. Women,
generally resent, as they would a corporal thrashing, the
attempt to beat anything into their heads. They won't
see the thing ; they only feel the beating.

An Additional Instruction.

It should be the aim of the architect who builds a new
National Gallery in Trafalgar Square (patching up the ex-
isting warehouse is of course out of the. question) to make
it the finest sight in Europe.

FROLICS OF THE EENIANS.

The Cuba, the other day, brought news from Yankeedoodledom

that :—

" A Fenian mass meeting, attended, it is estimated by 100,000 persons, was held on
Sunday last, under Mahony's auspices, at Jones Wood, New York. The speakers
urgently appealed for subscriptions to the Bonds, for the sale of which booths were
erected on the ground. Mahoky announced that fighting had commenced in
Ireland, and asked for sufficient funds to enable the expedition to leave for Ireland
in six weeks."

An envoy from the coalhole, or other den, wherein Stephens was
hiding, called Captain M'Cafferty, by way of confirming the fore-
going statement, " declared that in Ireland the Fenians had ready for
battle a disciplined army of 300,000 men : all they required were arms."
The inference which the Captain's hearers might have drawn from this
declaration, if they were capable of drawing inferences, would have
been that fighting had 'commenced in Ireland without arms. And they
would have been right. Fighting with fists, and with shillelaghs, which
are not arms in Captain M'Cafferty's sense, has never ceased, and
therefore had begun for some time. But this was not what the Presi-
dent of the Irish Republic meant to say. The meeting over which, at
least, Mr. O'Mahony presided, resolved that :—

" The suspension of the habeas corpus was an acknowledgment that Ireland was
in a state of war, and therefore entitled by all the rules of civilised warfare to
belligerent rights."

Thus, the British Government and Legislature, in suspending the
habeas corpus in order to summarily apprehend, try, and if necessary
hang Fenian traitors, in fact only constituted those gentlemen belli-
gerents, and put themselves out of court so as to disentitle themselves
to try them, and even so much as to send them to the treadmill : —

" The meeting, therefore, called upon their Government at Washington, without
delay, to acknowledge Ireland as a belligerent."

In the meantime, for President Johnson will probably think a little
before he acknowledgesj.the Fenians as belligerents, Mr. O'Mahony

might try1 the experiment of invading Ireland, hoisting there the
standard of the Irish Republic, and seeing whether the suspension of
the habeas corpus would, if he were caught, prove any bar to the suspen-
sion of his own corpus ; than which none could, be Jitter for the purpose
of the proposed experiment, or any other.
But next, and lastly : —

" The Meeting resolved that all funds should be immediately remitted to John
Mitchell, Paris."

The right man in the right place ! Mr. Mitchell, at Paris, will
doubtless know how to employ any amount of funds with .which any
persons may be fools enough to trust him.

It is rather satisfactory to know that —

" Great enthusiasm prevailed, and $25,000 of Bonds were sold."

Had the amount been larger, it would have been more gratifying.
The Irish-American Fenians are beyond our reach. We cannot hang
or imprison them : but Irish will be Irish ; and they fine.themselves.

" TAKE THAT AMONG YOU."
We find the following paragraph in several of our contemporaries : —

" On the night of March 19, the Prince of ***** and Prince ***** dined at the
«*** Club with a small party of its members as the guests of M. *»*»*, their old
tutor."

We have three things" to say on these three lines, from which we
have expunged the names, for a reason which will probably not occur
to the writer of the paragraph. First, the gentleman lastly mentioned
was not the tutor of the members, as above stated, but of the Royal
personages. Secondly, he is not old, but in the prime of a valuable life.
And thirdly, the party was entirely a private affair, and its being thus
advertised is a new instance of the prevalence of the hideously vulgar
American practice of holding nothing sacred, not even.the Mahogany
Tree.

April 7, 1866.]

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

149

A BIRMINGHAM BIRD.

he House of Com-
mons, as described
by the Hon. Mem-
ber for Birmingham,
in a letter to his con-
stituents, "is never
hearty for Reform, or
for any good mea-
sure." Moreover,
" it is to" a large ex-
tent the offspring of
landlord power in
the counties, and of
tumult and corrup-
tion in the boroughs,
and it would be
strange if such a
Parliament were in
favour of freedom,
and of an | honest
representation of the
people." There ex-
ists in it, also, says
Mr. Bright, " a
dirty conspiracy"
against the Reform
Bill and Earl Russell; a "more dirty conspiracy" than any that
has been seen there for many generations. He keeps harping on .this
phrase ".dirty conspiracy." Perhaps friend Bright does not commit
a breach of privilege in abusing the House of Commons ; but his
reiterated application of the word "dirty" to the Assembly of which
he is himself a member is remarkable. The remark which it! suggests
is a familiar adage relative to the bird that befouls its own nest.

L"BYLES ON BILLS" OP MORTALITY.

Most persons are aware'that ufclassical 'times it was held ominous
and ill-boding to allude to the end of life in a direct manner, and that
softening terms were employed in reference to one's demise. We have,
in youth, been taught the special meaning of the Latin Abitio, and the
Greek Be;8i&>«:e, likewise of vixit, and fiat. Moreover the custom has
been transmitted. to the present day. In 'Prench slang a person who
has left this world is said to have torn the cloth of the billiard table,
that being an offence for which one is utterly banished from its scene.
This display of learning is intended as prelude to the introduction of a
new and happy Idea just invented by Mr. Justice Byles, and presented
by him to an admiring Court at the Somerset Lent Assizes, in the case
of Babey v. Harvey : —

" Mr. Murch. I understand, my Lord, that the plaintiff haa another son, but that
he has been abroad for thirty or forty years, and has not during that time been
heard of.

" His Lordship. Probably, then, he is farther off than abroad by now."

" Farther off than abroad." Henceforth' let that phrase be admitted
into English conversation on the ruling of Mr. Justice Byles. A
remote and delicate Idea.

BELLIGERENTS OF AN IRISH SORT.

We recognised the Confederates as belligerents because the Federals
constituted them such by blockading their ports. The United States
Government cannot, with any justice whatever, attempt to retaliate on
us by countenancing the Fenians. But, indeed, it would not if it
could. The Americans are a magnanimous nation. Even if Her
Majesty's Ministers had made no attempt whatever to prevent British
ship-builders from selling the Confederates vessels of war (whilst other
subjects of the Queen were selling the Federals guns and ammunition)
the countrymen of Washington would be too generous to take ven-
geance on poor us. On the' contrary, they 'would, no doubt, ! study to
return us good for what they might consider evil. But we must take
care that we do not compel them to allow the Fenians, as they com-
pelled us to allow the Confederates, belligerent rights. Therefore, if
General Sweeney and his Irish Republican army invade Canada,
and are captured, we shall be under the painful necessity, in pure self-
defence, of hanging every man Pat of themas filibusters and pirates.

Said the Papers.

The Bank of Holland has reduced its rate to 4i.

Then,'

exclaimed our young friend Ignoramus Studs, " I am blessed if my
laundress ought to charge me more than 4J for washing my Shirts."

A MITRE EARNED BY A MAGISTRATE.

Scene— JJbivis. Simpkinsford and Snigsby.

Simp. If [the present Ministers 'go out, who will be Lord Chan-
cellor ?

Snigs. The Archbishop of Canterbury, if I am Premier. I say,
reunite the Mitre and the Woolsack.

Simp. Well, that is something like making both ends meet. But
why?

Snigs. An Archbishop would be such a capital equity judge.

Simp. What knowledge could he possibly have of equity ?

Snigs. Everything ; by intuition. See how much an ordinary clergy-
man generally shows when he is " under the Queen in some authority."

Simp. Like Justice Shallow f

Snigs. On the rural Bench. His decisions are almost always based on
equity — as contra- distinguished from law.

Simp. And as'understood by himself.

Snigs. Who ought to understand equity better than the preacher of
righteousness ? Cuique in sua arte.

Simp. The Rev. Mr. Gray, for instance, at Inkberrow, who, ac-
cording to the Birmingham Daily Post, took it upon himself to order a
policeman verbally, without giving «.him a warrant, to take Emily
Ballard, aged 10, to the Redditch lock-up, had her confined between
four and five days because he supposed that she had stolen a penny in
church, and then, when she was brought before the Bench of which he
was Chairman, in that capacity wanted to dismiss the case. There was
equity for you.

Snigs. Equity supplying the deficiency of law in punishing a naughty
little girl who could not have been formally convicted and sent to
prison.

Simp. Clerical magistrate's equity.

Snigs. Yes ; and how beautifully characteristic of the clerico-judicial
mind was the little speech, as reported by the local paper, wherein the
reverend gentleman so affectingly tried to place the paternal severity
that he had exercised towards the infant sinner jn an amiablej point of
view, and make the whole affair end pleasantly. s

Simp. In vain.

Snigs. Unfortunately in vain. What did he say ? " He never in-
tended to go on with the case, and he merely sent her to the lock-up
slightly to punish her. He himself considered that a child of her age
was as able to know right from wrong as a child much older, and
especially in the house of God, when the offence was doubly wrong.
He intended to take no more notice of the case, and he hoped and
trusted it would prove a lesson to the child. If a child eleven years
old would steal a penny, she would steal a larger sum. The case would
be dismissed, and the little prisoner discharged."

Simp. The " little prisoner ! "

Snigs. Playful expression.

Simp. " Would be discharged."

Snigs. " And there," perhaps he said softly to himself, " would be
an end of the matter." But no !

Simp. No, unfortunately. The child's friends insisted on having the
case tried • and the reverend Mr. Gray's brother Magistrates regularly
dismissed it. The reverend gentleman may remember this as often as
he has occasion to read of certain other prisoners who jrefused ato be
discharged except with due formality.

Snigs. Poor parson.

Simp. His very brethren rebuked him.

Snigs. _ It was, indeed, painful. But let us trust that he is patient
under his trial.

Simp. Yes ; and that the result of the inquiry into this alleged 'case
of clerical justices' justice, which Sir George Grey said in the House
had been ordered by Government, will, if the case, as published, is
proved, be the removal of the ^Rev. Mr. Gray from the provincial
Bench.

Snigs. To the Episcopal, of course.1

Simp. His mitre not being garnished with a pair of ears.

" SO THE PROUD TAILORS WENT MARCHING AWAY."

We express no opinion on the controversy between Mr. Poole, the
royal tailor, and his workmen. We trust that measures will be taken
to stitch it up. But we must place on record the following statement
made on behalf of the workmen : —

" Mr. Poole had in his employ a body of men that could not be equalled in the
world."

None but themselves could be their parallels. And yet, and yet, the
world knew nothing of its greatest men, though Piece-work has its
victories as well as war. But now we are enlightened, we shall never
omit to take off our hat, when we pass through Saville Row.

The Misogynist's Paradise.— The Isle of Man.

150

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 7, 1866.

A VETERAN !

Civil Service Captain. " "Will— he — ah — stand Pow-dar?"

Dealer. " ' Powder ? ' Why he was all through the Battle o* "Waterloo that Charger was ! !

TOUCHING SEATS, AND THEIR RE-DISTRIBUTION.

Dear Mr. Punch,

1 always appeal to you in my perplexities. I am in one now,
and want your help. Papa and my eldest brother are constantly talking
about what, if I understand them right, they call a " Re-Distribution of
Seats." What do they mean ? Has it anything to do with the pews in
Church, or the chairs in the Park, or the pit-stalls at the Opera, or the
ottoman on which Charles Brandon places me, after a delicious whirl
to the "Juliet" False? {En passant, he declares I/m the best
" Revolver" he knows.) Or are those horrid Radicals going to seize
and divide amongst.themselves, (Mr. Bright to have his choice between
Blenheim and Chatsworth) all the charming country-houses where we
spend such delightful weeks after the Season is over, and have endless
croquet, and archery, and hunting, and private theatricals ?

Yours affectionately,

VlLDA VavASOTJB.

P.S. I prefer to ask you this question, because I know, if I were to
put it to Papa or Eorster, they would give me some absurd answer,
just suited, as they imagine, to a woman's understanding. But if you
don't answer me, I shall attack C. B. He won't laugh at me.

[Miss Vllda Vavasour has uufortunately omitted to give her
address, so with much reluctance Mr. Punch must leave the solution of
her difficulty about seats to_the gentleman who leads her to ottomans.]

Election Committees.

Totnes.— Mr. Pender, having been unseated for bribery, is to be
known for the future as the Ex-Pender.

Yarmouth. — The corruption proved to have existed in this borough
is attributed by the] Radical papers to the Bloatered Aristocracy.

Bridgenorth. — Sir J. Acton says that Bridgenorth reminds him
forcibly of the Bridge of Sighs, and more particularly of the line,
" Make no harsh scrutiny."

SLIP-SLOP OE THE SNIP-SHOP.

There happens to be just now a strike among the tailors ; but this
really is no novelty, for the tailors always seem to be doing something
striking. Eor instance, only look at their extraordinary advertisements.
Here is one, for sample : —

A PANORAMA of NEW TROUSERINGS, in all the most pictu-
**■ resque colourings, for spring and summer wear, is now ready for inspection at
[never mind the name.]

A Panorama of new trouserings ! "What a subject for an artist !
We wonder what great colourist has been entrusted with this startling
and most picturesque design. But our wonder is still more excited by
the following, wherein, for fear of envy, we likewise suppress the name: —

ONE DAY after Remitting 14s. 6d. in Stamps or otherwise, you will
have a PAIR of SNOOKS'S unapproachable TROUSERS sent you, carriage free.

Just for idle curiosity we might be
stamps requested, were it not for the
trousers have been linked. What is
can't get into? for, of course, you
are not to be approached. Well, here
to use, and, doubtless, raise a roar
"unmentionables" and so forth, in
termed the " unapproachables."

" one day" tempted to remit the
strange epithet with which these
the use of garments which you
can't get into trousers which
is a new word for farce-writers
by. Instead of calling trousers
future they may deucately be

Why Printing was Invented.
The following notification to the universe is the last thing out—

" March 26, at St. George's Church, Somerset, by the Rev. Henry Mirehouse,
Miss Savage to Mr. Rich, both in the service of the above reverend and respected
gentleman."

"Who next, and what next ?

Mr. Cardwell's Eavourite Air.—" Charlie is my Darling."

Trlnted by William BradbnrT, of No. 13, Upper Wohum Place, in the Parish ol St. Pancras, In the County ot Middlesex, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 11. Bouverie Street, in the Precinct of
Whitefriara, City of London. Pr titers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct ;ot Whitefriars, City of London and published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City
1 London.— SiTUtt'iAK, April 7, 1866.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

/s-W/

^kikmmr^-M

GALATEA MARRIED.

{Restored by Mr. Punch from one of the Elgin Bas-Reliefs representing the fragment of a Wheel.)

SECOND PART OF ACIS AND GALATEA.

(AND AIL THAT IS "WANTED IS A SECOND HANDEL.)

CHARACTERS.

Galatea (a Sea Nymph}. Ghost of Acis (a dead Sicilian Shepherd.) Damon (a live Sicilian Shepherd.)

Polyphemus (a Giant.) Chorus. — Nymphs and Shepherds.

Scene — Same rural prospect as in Part the First.

N.B. As the First Part, compiled and invented by the late Mr. John
Gay, has not been written more than about one hundred and forty-five
years, the public, always rather slow, may not have had time to become
universally acquainted with the poem. Those who don't know it are
hereby informed that the Poet Punch has followed, with exquisite
accuracy, the verses of the Poet Gay.

Dedicated to Mr. Manns and the Crystal Palace generally.

Overture.

Chorus of Shepherds, fyc.

Now the fame of martyred Acis
Rests upon a watery basis.
He 's a .River and can run,
While we dance and have our fan.

Recit. (Galatea.)
Ye shepherds brown, ye maidens white,
To me your mirth 's distasteful, quite.
How can you dance, how can you sing,
Who saw that rock the Giant fling ?
A grief that finds such rapid healing
Displays an awful want of feeling.

Air.

Hush, ye noisy cackling crew,
Your clumsy larks
And coarse remarks,

They bore me much, they do.

[Rustic dance.

Cease your songs and stop your jumps,
And leave me to my doleful dumps.

Recit. (Damon.)
O Galatea, if I might be heard—
To you I'd like to say a single word.

Air.

The word I'd say is single,

Bat married I would be :
I see your fingers tingle,

To box my ears, ma mie.
Yet is she wise who tarries ?

Remember this through life ;
The nymph who never marries,

Can never be a wife.

Recit. (Galatea.) ]
Don't stand there making those absurd grimaces ;
You're not a patch on my lamented Acis.

Air.

He was a love,

Likewise a dove,
Bat truth 's in what you say.

And taking you,

Without ado,
May be the wisest way.

Go on wooing,

Sighing, suing,
" Buy your wedding suit from Grove,"
And, Yes, I '11 have you for my love.

vol. l.

152

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Apbil 14, 1866.

Duet. (Damon and Galatea.)

Happy, happy, happy " Out,"

We shan't fall out. No, we '11 agree.

Damon, you 're a foolish boy,

Galatea, gal for me,

Exchange a kiss ! All wish us joy !

Chorus.

Happy, happy, happy Oui
That thus transposes G. to D.
{A frightful roar is lieard. Music expressive of a Gianfs stamp.

Chorus.

Horror ! Terror ! Let us scream !
See the Monster Polypheme.
Lo, he comes with roaring clamour,
Stamping like a paviour's rammer.
Oath on oath, and bang on bang,
Comes the great Sicilian Chang.

Becit. (Polyphemus.)

ies ! Here we are again !

I thought I 'd taught you, Madam, how to flirt.

Were you Mlss Pyne,

(And would you were) I 'd wed you, or I 'd try.

Shepherds, were one of you of decent growth, {They recoil.

And worth my stroke, I 'd smack him on the mouth.

But trace to wrath. Behold, I 've sweetly smiled. {Smiles.

I '11 paint my passion, and I '11 draw it mild.

Air.

0 wittier than Miss Cherry !
(In Earquhar's play so merry)

Tour manners quite
With hers unite
The grace of Miss Kate Terry.

Tour eyes my feelings fluster,
Bright as Defeies's lustre ;

Tour hand 's my aim,

Tour heart 's my game ;

1 never tell a Buster.

Recit.
Eairest nymph, I pop the question :
Pray consider my suggestion.

Becit. (Galatea.)
I own there 's force in what you say,
But then you woo in such a way.

Recit. (Polyphemus.)

Thee, Polyphemus loves, by Jove,
Throw over that presumptuous Cove.
Take my worldly goods en bloc,
Three per cent. Sicilian stock,
Diamonds lately set anew,
Proof engravings done by Doo.
And carriage whose cream ponies stand —
Come, take the ribbons in thy hand.

Recit. (Galatea.)

Of " infant limbs you don't make food,
Nor swill full draughts of human blood ? "
What made me think of such a feast,
I can't imagine in the least.

Air. (Polyphemus.)

Sweeter banquets wait for you, Miss,

Iced meringues and golden jelly ;
I 've a cook, a cordon bleu, Miss,

Eit to rank with Ebancatelli.

Recit. (Damon.)

Would you gain that pensive creature,
Telling with what food you 'd treat her,

Is your billet-doux a carte?
Such a coarse appeal addressing,
Really is a course distressing

To a party full of heart.

Air.
I feel much alarm !

A dodge he is trying,
Which perhaps may out-charm

My glancing and sighing.

0 pray don't Ueepon

Her weak point, the sinner

Has found, not in vain, —
She knows a good dinner,

She likes good Champagne.

Recit. (Galatea.)
Peace, 0 peace, thou maudlin youth,
Likewise hear a piece of truth :
Make some other girl say " Yes,"
1 shall be a Giantess.

Duet. (Damon and Galatea.)

The Scotch shall hate their mountains,

Great Punch abhor the Strand,
The Erench praise English fountains

Solo. (Polyphemus.)
I feel much uglier, I declare,
Than Dr. Sclater's new Sea-Bear.

Duet. (Damon and Galatea.)
(thinkme|teasillgj

O- triage '{■j-J be:

Damon. I cannot, passion freezing,
Galatea. Adopt a course more pleasing,
Both. Say, " Lady, you are free ! "

Solo. (Polyphemus.)
I'll say the word that snob will not.
Damon, to Pythias, and to pot !
{The Giant seizes Damon (the scene is in Sicily) and throws him
away in the direction of the Straits of Gibraltar.

Ghost of Acis appears.

I 'm one of Pepper's Ghosts. I shall not sing,

But make one joke. That chap has had his fling.

Eurther remarking I 've no business here,

I '11 take the liberty to disappear,

But bid you (ere my phantom from your eye shoots),

To Astley's, where you'll see me in Der Freischutz.

{Ghost ofAcis vanishes.
Recit. (Galatea.)
Serves Damon right for kicking up a shine,
He is a cure, love, so he '11 like the brine.

Air.

Not exactly of a height,
Polyphemus, faith we plight :
No more rage nor thirst for blood,
That 's, mon ami, understood.
Tou must wash, and go to school,
Tou must have your clothes from Poole,
And be gentle, meek, and mild,
Or— I talk to Justice Wilde.

Chorus.

Galatea, have no fears,
Tonder Damon re-appears.
By his nether garments hooked,
As a sailor he is booked.
Now he '11 learn to fight and brag
Underneath the British Elag !
In the galley, wanting thee,
He will have his Galley Tea.

Smile at that audacious pun,
And our Serenata's done.

PATHOLOGICAL PARALLEL.

A Eierce frenzy sometimes seizes a Malay, impelled by which he
runs amuck and tilts at all he meets. A similar mad malady occasionally
overtakes an honourable Member when shutting his eyes to probable
results he snatches up a rhetorical dagger, and rushes wildly into an
Reform debate, startling one Minister, pinking another, and flooring a
third with rollicking ferocity. If the savage is pardoned on account
of the climate, the senator may perhaps justly complain if we make no
allowance for the fervid atmosphere of the Commons. In any case
much mischief is done by male furies of either class, between whom
there is a very simple distinction— one being complexionally dark and
the other superficially Bright.

April 14, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

153

PIPING TIMES.

Me. Punch, I do not think you are a Scotchman ; I never heard of
the MacPunches of MacPunch, nor do I wish to. Now, be it under-
stood before I write another line, that I think very highly of the
Scotch, and, as often happens to profound ruminants, the more I think
of them, the less I've got to say about them. I only" write about the
Scotch, to protest. Sir, do you like their pipes? I don't mean by this,
the pipes, which, "with solemn interposing puff make half a sentence at
a time enough." Those, Sir, are the tobacco-pipes, but those to which
I allude are the National Pipes, I wince
as I write the horrid name, the Bag-
pipes.

I have been told that they are in-
spiring in the field, cheering the High-
landers on to the fight. I nave no
doubt of their utility in battle ; for such
musical soldiers, as the Prench or
Italian, would throw down their arms,
in order to leave their hands free for
stopping their ears, and run away from
the horrid sounds as fast as their legs
would carry them. Put Signor Mario
at the head of a brigade, and I'll be
bound he 'd rather face sixty bayonets
than one bagpipe. We, nationally, have
to pay the piper, or pipers ; that is, we
support so many of these long-legged,
long-winded gentry, who are attached
to various Scotch regiments, including
the Fusileers. Attached! did I say;
the attachment must be all on one side.
I went to stay in the hospitable
northern castle of an ancient Scottish
chieftain. _ All the people in the place
talked as if they were cracking nuts.
Even the Laird himself had caught
a twang from the pipes. I was
welcomed at the Castle gate by a
dounie wassal with a pipe. We
were summoned to undress for din-
ner (I adopted the kilt out of com-
pliment) by the sound of the pipe ; the
banquet was announced with a flourish
of pipe ; and when the whiskey toddy
was steaming in our glasses, and I
was at one with all the world, my host
said he 'd give me a rare treat. "As he
said "rare," I had no suspicion of his
intention, and signified my readiness to
acquiesce in any proposal emanating
from the chair. He gave a signal, and
there entered in full costume three
pipers, with three sets of bagpipes.
Resistance was useless, politeness was
absolutely necessary. One of them
began by making a low noise like the
humming of gnats ; another emitted a
sound as if a large bee was stuck in the
pipe — (by the way the bee [must have
remained in throughout the perfor-
mance, as only the drone came out) —
and the third's occupation appeared
to me to be that of filling up the inter-
vals when the others paused for breath,
by sending a squeak, ventriloquially,
somewhere up into the ceiling. My
chieftain explained the different move-
ments, historically; he told me about

the Bruce and the Wallace, and " Scots whar wee" or whatever it
is, and at last seeing how much I was delighted, he, not content with
the number of musicians that had sufficed for the Royal Cole's orchestra,
summoned a fourth piper, and commanded a reel. Oh ! I felt so ill.
They piped, and they footed, and snapped their fingers in derision of
any music except their own : and herein I own I encouraged them as
being the only means in my power .for stopping their performance for
some considerable time afterwards. Sir, they never stopped entirely ;
they sparred, as it were, for wind, or blew for breath. And what do
you think they treated us to then? Sir, they played a wail. Had I not
been so utterly wretched I might have made a conundrum out of this,
about gigantic Scotch fisheries, playing a wail, &c. &c. At length they
left us, and, miserable humbug that I was, I thanked them, not for
going, but in so many hypocritical words for their kindness in obliging,
8rc, &c, just as I should have smirked gratefully at Miss Gush-
ington Topnote on her retiring from the grand piano, after

that "charming thing" which it was so kind of her to give us, and
so forth.

In the morning I was awoke by the bagpipe, and bagpipes met me at
every turn. In the evening my host proposed that we should go and
hear Dk. Norman Macleod lecture at a soiree. I agreed, for, inde-
pendently of my 'admiration for the Scotch Divine, I saw a chance of
escape from a repetition of the former night's entertainment. Dr.
Norman Macleod was to say a few words about St. Columba (Gaelic)
Church. No bagpipes here, and a goodly muster of people. A platform
was before us, whence the lecturer would hold forth. A murmur of

delight ran through the crowd.
I craned, expecting Dr. Norman
Macleod. Up the steps, on to the
platform, came — whom do you think,
Sir?— a Piper with his confounded
bagpipes. He was cheered, and he
blew. I quote from the printed re-
port, which appeared next day.

" He played several airs to the evident de-
light of his audience."

What an audience,! I was among the
" evidently delighted." Even bagpipes
must come to an end, and at length
Dr. Norman Macleod ascended the
platform. He commenced his harangue,
and lectured — upon what ? — the
Church ? no ; St. Columba ? no : he
upon the bagpipes. He

us

is no music in the wo:ld to be
with the bagpipe." (Renewed

lectured
said, —

"There
compared
applause.)

Emphatically I agree with him. He
went on :
" You cannot improve the bagpipe."
I am sorry to hear it.

" There is music in nature that you cannot
set down to the pianoforte. It is in the roar-
ing of the winds, in the moaning of the waves,
and in the cry of the wild bird ; and all this
you hear in the bagpipe."

There's a receipt for making the
sound of the bagpipes ! What a mixture !

" There is something in the bagpipes that
will stir him when nothing else can."

I should think so. The next morn-
ing I pleaded business, and returned
to my quiet rooms in Brompton. I
sat down to my modest bachelor repast
thankfully, and, when I had said grace,
beneath my window came two dirty
imitation Scotch boys with the 'Bag-
pipes ! They pretended that they didn't
understand English, and there was no
policeman. So I went to my Club.
Farewell !

HA.PSBURG AND HUMILITY.

Amongst the foreign news relative
to Easter was a statement that : —

" On Holy Thursday, "at the Burg, or Im-
perial Chateau of Vienna, in the salle of the
Chevaliers, their Majesties, with the usual
formality, went through the ceremony of the
washing of feet of twelve poor men by the
Emperor, and twelve aged women by the
Ejipress."

Did the feet of those two dozen poor people require washing? That
is one question to be asked. In the next place did the Emperor and
Empress tuck up their sleeves and honestly wash them ? To the first
of these questions it is not sufficient to reply that the poor people were
foreigners, and probably Germans. Their feet might have been prepared
for presentation to Imperial Majesty. Unless, however, the feet really
wanted washing, and were well washed, there was nothing but the
pride that apes humility in the ostent of washing them. How, then,
we may in the third place inquire without the least impertinence, were
the Emperor and Empress op Austria off for soap ?

Can you recommend me any book containing a good account of the
Royal Academy ?— Peter Paul Pingo.

Yes. Painter's Palace of Pleasure, a curious book which you may
pick up for a few pence at any old book-stall.

154

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 14, 1866.

CONFESSION.

Old Lady (who can't stand her Page's destructive carelessness any longer).
Reason I part with yov. Can you tell me?"

'Now, Robert, I want you clearly to understand the

Robert (affected to tears). " Yes, 'M."
Old Lady. " What, Robert ? "

Robert. "'Cause I'm — {sniff)— 'cause I'm — 'cause I'm so Ugly!!"

LORD RECTOR.

While able and unable talkers, and others of the spouting sort, are
going round the shallow political puddles, and lashing them into one
knows not what mud splash and dirty water storms there riseth, brethren,
in the very midst, as a silver fountain, one calm voice of a wise man.
The Ages shall call him a great man, when much botching-tailor and
Snob nomenclature shall be revised and infinitely corrected. From
Caledonian pulpit speaking unto rough raw lads, that philosopher is
worthy of your ears, even if for some moments you sustain an appre-
ciable loss of Chancellor Silvertongue's rhetoric, or more tolerable
privation of Quaker Bounce's blare. For, regard him how you may,
this Thomas of Chelsea hath the root of the matter in him, while others
do but wave branches, not altogether, it would seem, of olive. He
goes for the Truth, when for the most part men are content to mumble
truism, and not a few run jocundly away with lies. Uncomely may be
the garb or outside form of his teaching,',to those who love the trim
gardens, but the Truth is with him, the magna Veritas. Small effort
maketh he to paint you a rosy-coloured picture, nor is he at all mindful
to light it up with pantomime-ending fires, bringing down the curtain
with frantic plaudit of the unwise. The best he has for you is Work —
and Hope. You who will not be content with this, friends, away with
you, and at the first corner you shall hear what not of your greatness
and goodness and grandeur, and seven-league-bootedness in the onward
course of perfectibility and all that sort of thing.

But this, we may say, is in no respect Chelsea ware. Understand
him, however, before you go off howling, and it may be that such cynic
utterance may be saved. Can we not bear, in this age of eternal butter
and testimonial-plasterings of mediocrity, to be told that for the most
part men who talk might more wisely hold their tongues, and act ? Or,
if to act out of their proper will be not in them, to be led by the wise
and the brave. Is such meat too strong for non-muscular babes, and
must they have well-watered milk, daintily warmed P Be it so, brethren,
and see what muscle shall come of such nutriment.

Assuredly to the lips of the raw young Caledonians our Thomas held
no fantastic pap-boat of compliment. Work, he said, and hope, and
hate lies, and talk not more than there is need. Truly, the lesson
might not have been altogether so needless, for that in the same week
there was a conspiracy of Wind-bags to let loose their contents over us.
Notably bellowed Birmingham Wind-bag, silencing for the hour the
less fatiguing clamour of factory wheels, to proclaim that our English
Parliament is a sham and a farce, and hates all good, evidence, in a
hundred noble laws and material prosperity, notwithstanding. Needs,
one may say, that such blatant balderdash of factory Wind-bag should
have rebuke. Brave old Oliver had rebuked it, after his soldierly
fashion, had such sorry talk come to his knowledge, perhaps he had
rebuked it right out of the way, not without flagellation. For he was
English, our Oliver, and knew that our Parliament is rooted in English
hearts, nor shall its short-comings shake it out of our love and trust,
factory Wind-bags bellow they never so loudly. And Thomas of
Chelsea, in his way, altogether odious to Humbug, hath, scourged
Sham patriotism, and hath not done the work negligently.

One would fancy some able draughtsman presenting Wind-bag in full
blast, and our calm Thomas demanding what kind of hideous object is
he who speaketh fluently but untruly. There is room for such picture,
and it shall be remembered when Wind-bag hath altogether burst. Yet
for those rough Caledonian lads Thomas had his words of manly cheer,
showing that if Life be mostly a struggle, there come sun-bursts for
those who have the gift to raise their eyes, not so common a gift as is
supposed. To be earnest, to be wary, to be hopeful, such were his
noways dim and inarticulate teachings. Brave old man, wise old
man. Amid the cacklings cometh his human voice, and all unspoiled
hearts ring answer and thanks. You, young Caledonians, be proud
that it was to you he said the words that teach the nations. Honour
to you from all of us, from all good men, Thomas Carlyle ! Diceant
Immo quibus placet hcec sententia.

The Centre of Attraction.— Stephens.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI— April 14, 1866.

WISDOM AND WIND-BAG.

Cakitle. " For if a good speaker — an eloquent speaker — is not
speaking the truth, is there a more horrid kind of object in crea-
tion ? " (Loud cheers.)

Bright. " The House of Commons is little better than a Sham
and a Farce. Parliament is never hearty in any good work. It
hated the Reform Bill, it hated the Repeal of the Corn Laws, it
hates this Franchise Bill."

Apbil 14, 1866.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

157

Sir,

GORGONISM IN PARIS.

I Mean to state a fact, and not to make a pun, when I say
that the correspondent of the Morning Post at Paris appears to be
extremely well posted up, in the fashions .that flourish amongst the
ladies there.

That gentleman, in one of his recent communications to that Journal,
gives a capital account of the barbarism into which Frenchwomen are
relapsing in the matter of head-dress; and let me repeat that lam
serious, and not attempting to joke, in applying the word barbarism to
their monstrosity in that particular. Hairdresser is merely a colloquial
synonym with barber ; hairdresser and barber are not convertible terms.
The only artist who shaves the ladies is the linendraper"; and, after all,
it is not the ladies, but only the parties responsible for them that are
shaved. I merely say that a return towards.the fantastic and ridiculous
head-dress prevalent at a period in .the last century is a relapse into a
really barbarous usage. Not that I object to it, myself. On the con-
trary, it amuses me ; and there is something more to be said for it than
that, whereof anon. In the meantime the observer .who writes from
Paris to the Post tells us that in the French capital.: —

" The female head has become a sort of museum for gold bands, cameos, butter-
flies, and pendulous wreaths that hang under the chin. On the forehead of the fair
one may be seen a number of small curls with a comic twist, whilst the back of the
head displays an enormous lump of hair, which, instead of being kept together by
the cabbage-net of three or four months ago, is now allowed to assume a more wild
and picturesque aspect."

Here, Sir, I would, if I had been at my author's elbow, have sug-
gested an emendation of his text. Hair, of the present fashionable
colour, has been of that colour for more than three or four months.
For " cabbage-net " I would have proposed the substitution of a term
in